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“Move the fuck over,” Karkat spits out, a whisper-shout. He’s probably trying to keep his voice down so that John doesn’t wake up. “You’re clinging to John like a human baby. It’s fucking ridiculous and you need to move your fucking fleshy human body further away from him.”
You are so ready to punch your kismesis right now. You think that’s a good thing? Well, anyway, you are pretty attached to John. But that’s only because he’s so attached to you . His arms are thrown around your neck and his legs are tangled with yours; you know Karkat is pressed up against his back because his hand is in a fist and it’s right at your face. You’re pretty sure that he’s attempting to punch you without waking your boyfriend up. “Stop trying to hit me over John, you fucker,” you whisper-shout back. Karkat growls at you, not unlike a dog. “He’s trying to fucking sleep, dude. Just shut up and deal with the fact that he loves me more.”
That gets you another growl. “He’s my matesprit, asshole.”
“And he’s my boyfriend, your point?” You shoot back instantly. “He loves us both but I’ve known him for longer. End of story. Case in point. John loves me more than you, and that’s the end of the story. That’s it bro. John and I are deeply in love and he only kinda-loves you.”
“I watched him grow up, you motherfucker,” Karkat gives in return. “From a little wriggler to an annoying-ass teenager who is sadly the most adorable human in the history of humans. Technically I’ve known him longer, which means he loves me more, you insufferable prick.”
John yawns. You and Karkat both freeze up. “Guys?” He mumbles sleepily, and God, are you weak for his sleepy voice. It’s high and nasally like his normal voice, but it has this edge to it that makes it absolutely precious. Or maybe that’s just because you think John is absolutely precious, just as a person. He yawns again and his arms tighten around your neck, which makes Karkat’s arms tighten around his torso. “What are you doing?”
“Nothin’, John,” you respond, cringing when your accent slips out. You do your best to conceal it, but that doesn’t mean it always works. “Go back to sleep, you pure innocent angel.”
John blinks a few times, his long lashes dusting over his pale cheeks, and then he’s looking up at you with big blue eyes and a soft little smile. You love this boy so much that it hurts. “Dave, don’t tell me what to do,” he says, yawning again. You feel him curl his hands, and then he’s playing with the hair at the nape of your neck. “Are you guys fightin’ again?”
“Just a little bit,” Karkat responds this time. You glare at him over John’s head. He gives you the finger and keeps talking. “We’re in the black quadrant, John. That’s pretty normal.”
John yawns again, and you note that he kind of sounds like a baby kitten. Oh, hell, fuck that; John Egbert is cuter than a baby kitten. “Yeah, but not when it’s s’posed to be sleepy time. It’s like three in the mornin’ and y’guys are fighting about me. I’m gonna go sleep on the sofa if you keep up this black flirting while I’m tryin’ to sleep. Can you get all of your black flirting now, since I’m awake?” John takes a pause to yawn once again. You wish you had been counting the amount of times he had yawned; you like counting things, it keeps you calm. “Just, go to town.”
Karkat is looking at you over John’s head, trying to gauge your reaction. You nod at him and he nods back. Then the flirting commences. You’re sure that John is going to giggle about it, but you don’t mind. You think it’s cute that he thinks your black flirting is funny. “You’re a fucking assmuncher and John loves me way more than he loves you.” Is the first thing you say, and you’re pretty sure that’s a good place to start.
Karkat reaches his hands over John to smack you in the face. It doesn’t hurt very much since he isn’t overly close to you, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you angry at all. In fact, it makes you pretty fucking mad, so you reach over John to hit him back. All John does is yawn and let out a cute little laugh at your flirting, almost like he thinks it’s just playful and you guys genuinely don’t hate each other, even though you’re as pitch for him as the night. “Fuck you, you’re a fucking dicksucker and I hope that your dick gets burned off in a tragic incident. John loves me way more than he loves you and that’s fucking final.”
John chooses this moment to cut in. “Guys,” he says, a giggle on the edge of his voice. “You’re arguing about who I love more? Why? I love you guys equally, you should know that.”
“Yeah, but I knew you first. You’ve been my best bro since we were nine.” You say.
“I watched you grow up.” Karkat says.
“You’re both dummies,” John says, turning over on his back. He swings one of his arms around your shoulders and the other one around Karkat’s, and then he tangles one leg around your legs and one around Karkat’s. “I love you both a lot, and that’s it. That’s the story, guys. I love you both a whole bunch, so much that it’s painful. Okay? So black flirt about somethin’ cool, and something other than me.”
He knows you won’t do that, that you and Karkat will forever be arguing about him, but you know that he’s doing his best to be optimistic. He turns his head toward you and buries his face in your shoulder, and Karkat glares at you so hard that you think it might burn a hole in the side of your head. You give him the bird. John snuggles so close to your neck that his hair tickles your chin.
He falls asleep first. You look at Karkat, debating whether or not you should start hate flirting with him again. Usually, John is a pretty heavy sleeper, but he doesn’t always sleep through your arguments with Karkat. When you look to Karkat he shakes his head and you nod. You decide that your hate flirting can wait until morning.