Chapter Text
It started out as a rough cough, deep within his chest, leaving him wheezing and sobbing. Jisung gripped the toilet seat tightly, his arms shaking as he looked at the blood and phlegm. What caught his attention the most though, was the single red petal, a telltale symptom of something he had never believed in. Unrequited love so intense the body couldn’t take it. Two options, confessing and hoping the other would fall for you, or death. Jisung gripped his shirt, taking steadying breaths as he stood up, wiping the blood from his mouth. Jisung closed his eyes as he flushed the toilet, a name popping into his head. Minho. Jisung had had a crush on the older man for years and each time those feelings came up, he shoved them down. They didn’t have the time or privilege for romance, they had agreed to that the moment they signed the contract. While they were close friends, he was sure Lee Know didn’t feel the same way, after all, most of their interactions were for fanservice.
Jisung rose to his feet shakily, looking at the door with a sigh. There was no way the others were going to know about this. Not when they had a comeback to prepare for. Not when they were relying on his ability to push through. He bit his lip as he fought back the thought that this might be his last comeback. He couldn’t worry about that right now, he needed to be strong. So, Jisung shakily walked to the sink, washed his hands, and walked out of the bathroom. He was quiet as he walked back to their studio, his hands in his pockets. By the time he looked up, he was at the door, looking in. His brothers were hard at work, talking about concepts and lyrics no doubt. He took a deep breath and opened the door, immediately feeling soothed at the presence of his brothers. Chan and Changbin looked up, smiles growing on their faces when they saw him.
“You took a bit, we were worried you got sick or something,” Chan said..
Han forced out a laugh, moving to sit next to Chan, “You worry too much, Channie. I’m doing okay, I promise.”
“Who knows, maybe he was just constipated,” Binnie teased, giggling in that contagious way he always did. Han’s eyes widened in disbelief as he huffed, punching Changbin in the arm. The larger man scoffed, affronted, “Relax Jisungie, it’s okay if you were constipated, it happens to the best of us.”
“Seo Changbin, if you do not shut up, I am going to shove this pencil up your ass,” Han hissed, raising a pencil over his head and trying to look threatening.
“Stingy,” Binnie pouted, while Chan chuckled at their antics.
“Alright, that’s enough, we need to focus on the comeback now,” Chan said after his laughs subsided.
The rest of the session went by in a blur. They shared ideas, wrote lyrics, joked a bit, but that moment in the bathroom kept replaying in his head. Hanahaki, something that had been extinct for decades. Jisung could feel the pressure growing in his chest with each passing moment, each laugh stressing his lungs. Yet he pushed through, because that was what he had to do, what the boys needed. The walk back to his apartment was one of the hardest things he had ever experienced. He huffed out pained breaths as he finally reached his apartment, thankful, for once, that the Kids had all moved into their own apartments. He didn’t even want to imagine having to deal with one of his brothers constantly over his shoulder, making sure he was okay.
Jisung collapsed on his couch, his lungs aching with exertion. In all honesty, if walking to his apartment was difficult, he didn’t know how he would make it through this comeback. His breath rattled in his chest as he rose to his feet to make himself some instant noodles. Tonight was definitely an instant noodle night. As the water boiled, Jisung let his thoughts wander. He thought of all the things he would miss when he was gone. The grief his brothers and Stay would go through when he eventually passed. It was scary, truly, knowing that his time was limited. His phone vibrating in his hoodie pocket was what broke him out of his thoughts. He checked his notifications, not surprised when he saw a message in the group chat from Chan:
Channie-hyung: Everyone got home safe? Make sure to eat and get plenty of sleep, we have an early start tomorrow.
Bbokie: How early are we talking? I’m so tired I could fall asleep on my feet. >_<
Minnie: I’m on the way home, Bbokei, do you think you’ll survive until then?
Bbokie: I don’t know, I feel this tiredness in my boooooones.
Channie-hyung: We need to be in the dance studio by seven. Sorry, Bbokie, it was the only way I could make sure we have a short day tomorrow.
Bbokie: :((
Han laughed to himself as he placed his phone back in his hoodie, his noodles now ready. Han sat down at the table in silence, staring down at his noodles blankly as his leg bounced. He just didn’t understand how this had happened to him and why it had happened now. It really didn’t make any sense, considering he had held these feelings for years now. He already decided that after rehearsal tomorrow, he would go to the doctor. As much as he hated the thought of having to go, he knew that he needed to know how much time he had left. He shivered at the prospect of not even making it through the comeback. It wouldn’t surprise him, especially considering their comeback wasn’t being released until next month. Unwanted images of him hunched over, coughing up blood in the middle of a concert popped into his head. For the first time since he had coughed up the petal, Jisung felt his eyes water.
Han rose to his feet quickly, disposing of his half-eaten noodles and not even worrying about washing the dishes. A tear slipped down his cheek as he marched to his room, collapsing onto his bed. It was easier to break apart in private, to let the tears and anger out as he punched a pillow. So he let himself cry, punched the pillow until he no longer had the breath to spare. He succumbed to his exhaustion shortly after, not even changing or turning off the lights.
***
It was still dark when Han was awakened by a heavy pressure in his chest and a scratching in his throat. He raced to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet as he gagged loudly. The petal scratched his throat as he coughed, punching his chest to try to dislodge it faster. It felt like an eternity before he finally coughed it up. There was more blood than before and the petal was bigger. Jisung leaned back, taking steadying breaths as tears rose in his eyes. He hated this, the pain, the way his chest felt heavier with each passing hour, the fact that he had to endure this all alone. Jisung waited until his breaths steadied to rise to his feet.
When he turned on the light, he winced at his reflection. He looked like shit, his hair a mess, blood trailing down his chin, and dark circles under his eyes. He barely recognized the person looking back at him. Han took a deep breath as he grabbed a paper towel and wiped the blood off of his chin. He’d buy tissues later so he could wipe the blood off quicker, hopefully without the Kids noticing. As Jisung walked back to his bed, he checked his phone, groaning when he saw that the time was 6 am. Definitely no way he could go to sleep now.
Han went through his morning routine agonizingly slow, noting that he definitely did need the extra hour if he wanted to make it out of the apartment in time to head to JYPE. It was 6:45 by the time he left his apartment and began the short walk. It was chilly but comfortable, definitely hoodie weather. Han took in a deep breath of the fresh air, immediately regretting it when his chest ached and he was fighting back more coughs. Damn, this sucked, he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. He found himself wheezing by the time he stopped in front of the dance studio door.
It wasn’t until he was sure that he had caught his breath, that he opened the door and stepped inside. Aside from Minho and Chan, Han was the first one there. The two older men smiled at him when he walked in and he could tell just by looking at them that they were tired. They all hated morning rehearsals, sure, they normally woke up pretty early, around 7:30, but it still sucked waking up an hour early. Han gave his hyungs a smile before sitting down and beginning his stretches. Through his stretches, the other members started filing in, the room slowly filling with the sound of early morning conversation. It was comforting being around his brothers, even when they got so loud that he sometimes needed to take a break.
He hadn’t noticed how deep in his thoughts he was until Felix sat next to him and poked his side, “You doing okay, Sungie? You look really tired.”
“Yeah, I’m fine, Lixie. Just didn’t sleep that well last night,” Jisung replied, leaning onto Felix’s shoulder and closing his eyes.
They stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s silent company. Han enjoyed moments like these, it gave him time to think without getting too absorbed in his thoughts. Jisung sighed, leaning further into Felix’s side. It was comforting knowing he would always have his twin to lean on. Jisung hadn’t noticed he was drifting off until Felix was gently shaking him, “Hannie, it’s time for dance practice.”
Jisung groaned and rubbed his eyes, blinking blearily around the practice room. The boys were all standing around, the fact that they were waiting for him apparent. He leapt to his feet, bowing to his hyungs and saying a quick, “Sorry.”
“It's fine, Han. Let’s just get started, yeah?” Chan replied, quickly rushing over and easing Jisung back up. Han gave his hyung the best smile he could, though he knew it was probably weak. “Alright, Minho, you ready?”
Lee Know smiled and nodded, announcing to the group that it was time to get up and start dancing. Dance practice felt like it took forever, his lungs heaving with the effort. He knew it was obvious that he was struggling to keep up, with the way the boys looked at him with barely hidden concern through the mirror. When it was time for their thirty minute break, Jisung fell on his ass, his breathing ragged. His ears were fuzzy as he closed his eyes tightly. He could feel the familiar itch in his throat, a warning of the fact that he was about to cough again. He was just about to push himself to his feet so he could stumble to the bathroom, when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Through his mental haze, he recognized Changbin’s worried face.
“-ungie? Jisung, is everything okay?” despite Changbin speaking quietly, Han could hear the concern in each word.
Han nodded, swallowing down the lump in his throat. When he spoke, his voice was raspy, “Just not feeling the best. I think I caught a cold.”
Changbin looked like he wanted to say something else, but he simply sighed and let go of Han’s shoulder. Jisung gave the older man a small, forced smile before quickly walking out of the practice room. As soon as he was in the hallway, he bolted to the nearest restroom, his chest burning with agony. He dropped painfully to his knees in front of a toilet just as he started coughing. He tasted iron as the first few petals scratched their way out of his throat, doing nothing to relieve the aching pressure in his lungs. Tears dripped down his face as he clutched at his chest, mentally praying for the fit to end. It felt like forever before his coughing finally dissipated.
Han leaned against the stall wall, wheezing as he tried to catch his breath. He hardly noticed the feeling of the blood on his lips as silent tears slipped down his cheeks. He would be a liar if he said he wasn’t scared, scared of the fact that this might be his last comeback. That he couldn’t let his brother’s know he was suffering. He couldn’t do that to them. Not at such an important time. So, Jisung rose shakily to his feet, blinking away the black spots that lined his vision, and grabbed a piece of toilet paper, wiping the blood from his chin. He then took and deep breath and opened the stall door. He grimaced when he looked in the mirror. He looked pale and shaken up, and his eyes were still red-rimmed with tears. Jisung sighed, trying to ignore the way his breath rattled in his chest as he schooled his expression and walked out of the bathroom. He didn’t know how much longer he had left, but he knew damn well he would work hard to make sure that nobody else found out.