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“I have a question for you,” Ivan started as he and Alfred sat on the couch.
“Shoot,”
“Why do you hold back?”
“Hm? I mean, I’d rip things apart if I didn’t — “
“I meant during sex,”
“You know what happens when I lose control; breaking your spine isn’t hot in the heat of the moment,” Alfred sighed, pausing the TV, “Didn’t we go over this like a century ago? Am I not doing enough?”
“No, no, you…you go to kiss my wrist and then you stop and tense up before moving away. Or you dig your nails in enough to leave marks before letting up. Or scrape your teeth against — “
“I get it, I get it. But it’s um…you don’t need to worry about that,” Alfred laughed, “It’s just a fantasy, anyway,” A really dangerous one at that — he kinda hoped he wouldn’t have noticed.
“You know we can stretch fantasy pretty far with some of my ideas, Fedya. It’s only fair if we try one of yours. What is it?” There was genuine curiosity in Ivan’s voice, but Alfred fought to keep strong.
“It’s not a good idea. It’d probably be too much for you,”
“I’m three times older than you, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do,”
“You’ll get hurt,” Alfred countered, “Not an ‘if it goes wrong’ situation, either,”
“I’ll be the judge of that,”
“You — “ he let out a growl of frustration, “I’m going to bed. Forget about it,” He pushed away from the couch and stormed upstairs, still taking care to not slam the door off its hinges. Maybe if he went to sleep his partner would forget about all that in the morning. He felt Ivan climb into bed behind him shortly after, shivering at the chill now lining his back.
“I’m not letting this go; I can’t stop thinking about it,” Ivan whispered, “How dark of a fantasy it must be that I don’t know about it? The thought itself is exciting,”
“It’s uh…pretty dark, I think,” Alfred replied.
“How does it start? Can I know that at least?” Ivan’s cold hand ran across his side, stopping where the bare skin met his boxers. He could probably…tell him this part…
“We’re both naked, of course,” he said.
“In bed?”
“No, um…laying on a tarp. I usually see it where the table is in the kitchen,”
“So it’s messy?”
“...Extremely,” This mental path was well-trodden, and he could already feel a bit of pleasure deep in him. Ivan’s hand sliding into his underwear didn’t help in that regard either.
“And where am I?”
“Laying down, spread out. I’m…crouching over you, sorta off to one side,” he jerked as Ivan wrapped his hand around his hardening cock, his thumb slowly stroking the base.
“Keep going. What do you do next?”
“I pick up your arm,” — Well, this relationship was nice while it lasted — “And rip back your skin and arteries and veins with my teeth until it reaches your shoulder,” A squeeze along his shaft spurred him forward, his secret fantasy spilling out like a waterfall, “And then I lick the bone clean and watch the tendons snap off before moving to the other arm, and your legs and watch the layers of skin and fat on your thighs split apart and skin my teeth in before ripping your torso apart and shove my hands between your organs before fucking the gaps and drenching them in white and then I claw them out one by one until it’s just your heart left — “
“And what do you do with that?” Ivan asked, stroking him faster and faster, “Do you split it open?”
“No, no, I never hurt your heart. I…Okay, I usually finish before getting to that point to be fair,” It was getting harder to think as the gnawing pressure kept building.
“Doesn’t it feel better that you told me? How long were you keeping that in?”
“Since 2000…uh…” Alfred groaned closed his eyes, forcing his hips to not move so he wouldn’t break Ivan’s hand, “2001,”
“More than two decades; I think you deserve some relief after that, hm?”
“Vanya, please,” he panted, his body tightening like a spring as he imagined the beautiful masterpiece of blood, gore, and guts splayed under him. With a bit more focused pressure, Alfred bit back a moan as he came in his boxers, the extra bit of fluid letting Ivan’s hand glide along to ride it out.
“Good boy!” Ivan giggled.
“Oh, Christ, don’t get me started again; it’s late enough,” Alfred groaned. Also holy shit he just confessed he wanted to basically tear his partner limb from limb and fuck the remains. He tensed in the opposite way as before when reality came in like a tidal wave, and he couldn’t help his breath speeding up further as silence settled between them. Ivan withdrew his hand and he resisted the urge to teleport to the middle of a national park.
“Alfred, can you turn and look at me, please?” After an internal countdown, he flipped over and was face-to-face with Ivan, wincing at the now-cold spot in front of his boxers. His eyes darted around Ivan’s face searching for disgust or rage or even fear —
“Breathe, Fedya. I’m not going anywhere. I mean it,”
“Yeah, but it’s gross and weird and creepy and…yeah. It’s stupid,”
“If it makes you happy, I don’t see why we can’t try it,”
America slammed the front door with enough force to make it echo through the house. Today was rough; he was thrown around everywhere, scattered between ten different agencies and departments that all needed his help at the same time. He made it through, but fuck, it was exhausting. He set his briefcase down in the kitchen and ran through his to-do list on his phone. Some of this he could technically get done at home, so after —
Someone else was here.
He could hear soft breaths coming from behind the kitchen island. The table had been moved over to one side, and there was a very faint crinkling coming from there too. He turned the corner and —
Oh, he’s so fucked.
Ivan was laying down like a starfish on the tarp, naked and shivering.
“Took you too long to come home,” he complained, “It’s cold,” Alfred couldn’t think of a response as he stared down at his partner. It was just like his fantasy. Was he actually suggesting they do it?
“I was watching the news and figured today would be a good day for it. And I know how to mitigate the pain if you’re concerned,”
“…How?” Alfred’s brain finally rebooted enough to respond.
“Why don’t you get undressed and find out?” The clothes he was wearing should count their lucky stars that Alfred liked them enough to not rip them seam to seam to get out. He was undressed in no time flat, the clothes piled on the floor, and he crawled on top of Ivan. His heart was racing already with anticipation, so he put his hands on Ivan’s chest to help warm him up a bit.
And boobs.
Also that.
He pressed and kneaded the two mounds, occasionally rolling a nipple between his fingers or pulling. Ivan was turning a cute shade of pink and kept trying to talk, only to be cut off by another yank.
“I-If you’re done,” he eventually managed, “The pain thing,”
“Hit me with it,” Alfred showed some mercy and stopped actively agitating the pale flesh.
“Start rubbing right in the middle of my chest. Like you’re…fingering it would be the best way describe it. Or trying to open me up,” With one hand, Alfred did as he was told while the other still massaged the pec he was holding. Eventually, he lifted his finger and saw a small red slit.
Oh.
“You want me to take your heart out?” He asked.
“It makes me numb when it’s out, so yes,”
“But…” he drew his hands away, intending to sit up so they could talk about all of this. It’s appreciated, just sudden. Ivan’s hands darted out and pulled them back in to where they were before.
“Just give in, America. Destroy me like you wanted to for decades,”
“Okay, it wasn’t decades, this little urge only started happening — “
“I didn’t freeze on a tarp for an hour for you to get cold feet,”
“Fucking fine then, asshole. You asked for this,” Alfred dug his fingernails into the slit, pulling a gasp from Ivan. The wound meant more exposed nerve endings and more territory to torture. Blood started slowly leaking out as it grew, and when Alfred switched hands to give the other pec some attention his eyes widened as he painted them red with Ivan’s own blood. The colors matched perfectly and let his hands glide across the surface.
Once it was big enough for two fingers, he started pressing them lower until he felt resistance. It must had been Ivan’s heart from the way he jolted at every touch. He pushed and prodded at it, dragging his fingernails across the muscle fibers, watching Ivan squirm and hold back a scream. He was turning a darker shade of pink as more blood came seeping out. Alfred didn’t know how big he needed to make the hole, but he wasn’t planning on stopping anytime soon. Ivan’s whines took on a higher and higher pitch as it opened up and frost started spreading around them. Now they were having a good time; he hadn’t made Ivan lose control of his magic in a while. He look behind him and saw Ivan’s cock at full mast, dark red and begging for release.
It was big and deep enough to reach his hand in and pull the heart out, so he fully immersed it in Ivan’s body and cupped the organ.
“Should I even let you come before I pull this out? Maybe — “
“I deserve it,” Ivan cut him off, leveling a glare, “Don’t you dare,”
“Have you really been a good girl?” Ivan shut his mouth with a squeak; Alfred loved using that secret weapon. Making his 6’somethin’ partner completely shut down and submit with just a few words always gave him a rush like no other.
“I-I have. Please,”
“Say it back then,”
“I’ve been a g-good — “ Alfred cut him off with a hefty squeeze of the heart and watched Ivan unravel underneath him. Ivan closed his eyes and tilted his head back, and Alfred eyed his neck. The collage of exposed scars made him want to bite into them and add another. He felt Ivan’s hips bucking underneath him and some warmth coating his back. He kept alternating between squeezing the heart and a nipple as Ivan rode it out, letting up when he noticed a wince. Alfred let him come down from the high and for his breathing to level out before he spoke again. Like, yeah Alfred was hard. He can’t just rile Ivan up like this and not have a reaction. But it wasn’t enough.
“Ready for part two?” he asked. Ivan gave a small nod and Alfred ripped the heart out. The instant it left Ivan’s body he could see the light fade from his eyes. He set the heart near Ivan’s head, making a mental note of all the crazy reactions he had when manhandling/fingering it.
“So…you really can’t feel anything?” Alfred went back to messing with a nipple, “I mean, I’ve seen you be emotionless without your heart, but does it really extend to physical stuff?”
“Why did you think I left my heart on the rooftops when I jumped off of them?” Alfred froze in place. He didn’t want it to go there. Seeing Ivan’s body in the snow, bent and broken from meeting the hard concrete underneath, the frantic search for his heart so he could heal —
This was different. This was intentional. This was — he was in control this time when Ivan breaks again. He’s in control. Alfred carefully picked up an arm and turned the wrist so it faced him. There were faint scars littering his entire body, this part no exception. He could see small scrapes from forest creatures, the jagged lines from shackles, nicks from knives. He wanted to add to it like the ones on his neck, claim his spot in the gallery. His mouth opened and he hovered an inch away from the thin veins, perfectly positioned to bite down and rip them out.
But…it felt hollow. Undeserved. Too much like it was served up on a silver platter. More of an examination than —
Than what?
Ivan sighed and Alfred’s heart raced. Was Ivan regretting it already? Would he call it and just jerk him off, and then they both clean up and fall asleep facing away from each other? Would this linger as a sour note in a sour week, an opportunity squandered?
He was not expecting the punch to his nose that followed. In his distraction it hit him dead on, spraying his own blood on top of Ivan’s. Alfred pinned down the other arm in a flash, still careful to not shatter the bones.
“You need to break me more than that to stop me,” Ivan said with a grin. He twisted his hips to throw Alfred off and swung a kick at his stomach that left Alfred scrambling to get back control. He pressed down hard into the different parts, leaving the limbs bent at odd angles while he gripped Ivan’s hair and pulled.
“I could rip you limb to fucking limb, so watch it,” he growled.
“Then do it,” Ivan tried pushing up and Alfred felt the delicate bones in his wrist crunch as he resisted it.
Fuck. It was the satisfaction of popping a million bubble-wrap bubbles. He crushed the other one for good measure and got the same thrill. Would his ankles do the same? There was a manic grin on Ivan’s face, a far cry from the pain he should be in. His wrist looked much more appetizing now, the small bones clearly shifted from the pressure of his hand. It made it difficult to find the veins again, but with two of his teeth he found them and jerked his head back to pull at them. It created a chasm along the arm, twisting around the bones as blood started pooling onto the tarp. His fingernails punctured the skin as they dug in and pulled back the layers down to that stark white. Completely unblemished until he pressed down in the middle. The snap was…quieter than he thought. So he did it again, and again, and again, and —
“I have other body parts, you know,” Ivan chimed in, as if he was birdwatching, ”Do you need some encouragement?”
“No, I — “ With his broken wrist, Ivan reached over and pressed a hand into his side, cold enough to give him frost nip at the first touch, “Motherfucker, you — stop it!” Alfred dug his claws into the offending arm’s shoulder and pulled, watching in awe as the skin ruptured and broke when the limb was removed from the body. It reminded him of it was freezing that day, some snow but not enough to cushion the fall. Ivan’s shoulder was dislodged at an odd angle, laying more on his side due to half his skull being smashed by the pavement from the force of impact. He was too late. Too late. He couldn’t —
He was in control. He was the one breaking Ivan, so he would be the one to put him back together again. Not gravity. Alfred resolved to inspect and destroy every part of Ivan’s body but the head. He couldn’t even consider crushing the skull without heading straight into panic attack territory.
“Breathe, sunflower. I’m not going anywhere,” Ivan whispered, “Come back and forget about it,”
“It’s…kinda a hard thing to forget when your shoulder still gets sore in the rain from it,” Alfred admitted.
“Then go lower,”
With a final deep breath, Alfred obliged and shifted so he was lower on Ivan’s body. In almost a moment of premonition, he grabbed each of Ivan’s legs and held them in place. They squirmed and jolted like he was about to kick.
“Caught ya this time, you bastard,”
“And if I sit up and get you?”
“I’ll break you’re spine,”
“Oh, really? How?”
Alfred thought for a second, his eyes drifting across Ivan’s lower half. They landed on his puckered hole, still unaffected from everything happening. And old memory came to the surface, and Alfred dipped a finger in some of Ivan’s blood nearby before gently pushing it in. He felt Ivan’s thigh relax as he worked his way in, losing himself in the way he clenched around his finger.
“I can’t feel anything right now, you can just push in if you want,” Ivan said.
“But you’re so pretty when I open you up like this,” He coated two other fingers in blood and did the same, slowly relaxing the entrance. It was a bit of a shame Ivan couldn’t feel anything because Alfred knew he was hitting his prostate dead on over and over again through the past century and some change of practice. Satisfied, he pulled out and cupped another handful of blood and —
Fuck fuck fuck this was really happening. He was coating his rock-hard cock in his partner’s blood to —
Holy shit, he’s so lucky.
His hands were shaking with excitement as he rubbed the blood along his shaft and lined it up to push forward. Since Ivan couldn’t feel anything, he had to be consciously tensing up to give him some nice pressure. One of his hands dug into Ivan’s creamy thighs and pressed his nails in to make it bleed.
“If you rip out those muscles I can’t clench around you,” Ivan mentioned, though he didn’t seem too bothered by the idea. With a sharp yank, he tore through the flesh with ease and pulled the muscle fibers out of place. It felt a bit looser around his cock, but he didn’t need that to achieve his goal.
“All you need to do is be a hole,” his heart sang at Ivan’s laugh accompanying his remark. The muscles twitched in his hands as he gave a few experimental thrusts. Blood wasn’t the best lube, but it worked and he had plenty to replenish it when it started to coagulate. He shifted his hands to Ivan’s hips and dug in, helping to press their hips flush together. He kept hitting a mental wall with each thrust, something that had been formed the first few years they were together. He had to learn to carefully balance letting go and perfect control of his body to not hurt Ivan again, subconsciously protecting him from the incident he thought of when he saw Ivan’s hole today.
Now, he had to break through it and redeem his younger self. For once, breaking his spine in the heat of the moment would be exactly what he needed.
He imagined it as a literal brick wall, each motion another sledgehammer to the foundation. A few thrusts later and he knew it was bruising him, which they sometimes got to on rougher nights. He needed to go beyond that.
Finally, one of the thrusts had more give to it than normal. He didn’t hear a crack like he did with the arms, but he knew he broke something. Good.
Alfred moved Ivan’s legs up to his shoulders to get them out of the way and to help press in deeper and deeper. Ivan’s stomach was squishing with how far up he could move given the now-broken pelvis. He sped up, chasing that final crack, the final break, the last piece —
With another push, Ivan’s legs went limp as the nerves disconnected and his back turned at weird angle when his spine snapped. Nations were naturally more resilient than humans, but Alfred’s super strength overrode it by the millions or more. He finished at the sight of it, closing his eyes and fully riding out the orgasm that had him flung across the room centuries ago when he broke Ivan’s spine the first time he topped. It was a struggle to keep himself from collapsing on top of Ivan, making it more like a controlled fall.
It was weird laying on Ivan’s chest and hearing his heart beat from outside of him. It was a slow, steady pace, unaffected by the carnage around it. He slowly pulled out, wincing at the sudden rush of cold air.
“You alright?” Ivan asked.
“I should be the one asking that given…everything. But it’s been — “ Alfred cut himself off and sighed, “Fuck, it’s been really fuckin’ good. Still no pain?”
“No. It’s been fun watching you, though,”
“Good, because we’re not quite done yet,” He gave the heart next to Ivan’s head a pat and made another mental note of how Ivan jolted at the sudden touch. Ivan’s neck was soooo close, he could almost taste it. He should, actually. Alfred brought his mouth closer, teeth bared —
“гласность,” Ivan said. Back off, slow down. Neck was off limits. A little disappointing if he was honest, but not show-stopping. Given how he treated the rest of his flesh it wasn’t exactly surprising either. He sat back up and looked over Ivan’s body. The limbs were all thoroughly destroyed, besides the head, so that left his torso. He pressed Ivan’s pecs (okay, tits. They were basically tits with how big they were. And he loved them.) together and rubbed his cock in the valley between. They weren’t quite big enough to fully enclose him, but the sight alone had him back in action in no time. Once he was satisfied with his hard on and the lovely red streak down the center of Ivan’s chest, he put his hands on either side of the slit he opened earlier. Before he could stop to think about it, he ripped Ivan’s chest cavity open and pulled down to expose his lower abdomen too.
Ivan craned his neck up to see inside himself, his violet eyes fixated on the way he could see his lungs fill with air.
“Never seen yourself like this before?” Alfred asked, trailing a hand down Ivan’s liver.
“Have you?”
“I mean…I’ve thought about it a lot,” Imagining it was one thing, but seeing it? He was holding parts of his partner no one had ever seen before, let alone touched. They were flawless, shining with blood and begging to be caressed. He wanted to keep his dick occupied while he was exploring though, and the intestines looked like a good place to put it. They were moving a lot more than he was expecting, so they perfectly slid around his cock to keep it warm. The subtle motions gave it a light massage almost and definitely kept the blood down there flowing.
He grabbed the heart and ran his hands across the muscle. Ivan squirmed the best he could underneath him, averting his eyes.
“I wonder what other places I could shove this in between. Maybe between your liver and stomach?” He pushed two fingers in the space and sighed in fake annoyance, “Nah, too much give,” He kept moving the fingers between the organs, tracing out the curves. His fingers glided over them so smoothly, it was almost relaxing.
“Alfred…” Ivan whispered. He looked up and saw Ivan beet red and trying to turn away. If one arm hadn’t been ripped off and the other wasn’t torn to pieces, he probably would’ve been throwing his hands on his face to cover it up. He wasn’t even touching the heart too much, so —
“Wait, can you feel this? I thought your heart out meant you couldn’t feel anything?”
“I-I think it’s different since you’re inside me,” Ohhhh he’s stuttering, so he really feels it. Poor thing couldn’t even jerk his hips since Alfred broke his spine. But since it didn’t snap the connection of his blood vessels, he still saw Ivan’s cock rise behind him at the stimulation. He put his hand under the small gap between the ribcage and the lung, his eyes growing wide as he could feel them press against his fingers. He caught Ivan’s eyes and his heart somehow soared when he saw fear in them.
“What’s gonna happen when I press down on this? Would it be like choking but without the baggage?” When he saw Ivan tense and that fearful look remain, he eased up and just ran his hand along it instead until Ivan got the memo that he wouldn’t actually do that to him.
He set the heart down near the base of his pelvis, right near where his cock was submerged in Ivan’s small intestines. With both hands free, Alfred ran them over every crevice, every nook and cranny, every possible inch of flesh. It was the world’s best stress ball (well, second best. Because Ivan’s tits existed.) as he squeezed and massaged every organ he could get his gross, bloody hands on.
“I’d like to come eventually, if you wouldn’t mind,” Ivan eventually said. Alfred drew his eyes back up to Ivan’s, noticing that the blush had migrated down to the skin of his neck and shoulders.
“Then why don't you?”
“Because you snapped my spine. The nerves can’t make the connection,”
“Fair enough. I’ll finish, just for your sake,” He started rolling his hips more into the intestines, testing out different spots to see where it slot in best. He particularly enjoyed when it bordered the large intestine, the ribbing on one side meshed well with the writhing on the other. He drove into it and picked up the heart again to not damage it. His teeth grazed the muscle fibers and he got a symphony of whimpers and whines in response from its owner.
“There we go, good girl Vanya,” Alfred switched to Russian for just a moment, and cackled when he saw the exact time Ivan would’ve come if his body physically could. His entire body tensed up and it was the last push Alfred needed for his release. It wasn’t painting his insides white like he imagined, given most of his cum spread between the corners and rolls of the intestines, but it was still an image that would be burned into his brain for the next few decades.
“Your turn now! Here ya go,” Alfred pulled out and slid the heart back into place. Ivan’s eyes went wide and they both realized the flaw in their plan:
Replacing the heart meant that he could feel again. Feel everything again.
And now he was probably in the worst pain of his incredibly long life.
Ivan took in a gasp to scream, but his body instead went limp and shut down.
Alfred didn’t know what to do; it was like he was pulled out of a deep dream. There was blood everywhere, the tarp barely did anything to cover the furniture around it. His partner was dead to the world for all he knew and completely torn apart. He did this to him. He was the reason he was in enough pain to pass out. He took joy in the fearful look in his eyes when he threatened to bite his neck or pop a lung and from how easily the flesh and bones gave under his strength. He loved it. And now he’s kneeling over his abused partner’s body and he has to find the heart so he can be put back together again. The blizzard is strong enough he could barely see the building Ivan jumped from, so how on Earth would he be able to find it?
No, that’s not now. Turn on the heat. It needs to be warmer, that’ll help. His body was already slowly slotting the organs back in place. It’s fine. He’ll heal. He’ll be okay. It’s his fault. It’s still his fault that he wasn’t fast enough to stop him. Fuck, was the heart at the top of the building? What if someone takes him while he’s gone and then he really won’t wake up?
What’s he supposed to tackle first? The heat? No, cleaning up would be best. How does he even start that? Does he get Ivan off the tarp first and wash him? But he’s still not sealed up and the heart! There it was, right on the ledge, beating incredibly slowly. Alfred cupped it in his hands and squeezed it tight to his body, barely holding back a sob. Why? Why again? What else could he do? He couldn’t fix the suffering of another Nation’s citizens…but it was sort of his fault. It’s always his fault something bad happens. Everything he touches is ruined, which is why he needs to get the heart back into Ivan as soon as possible and away from him.
His brain was stuck in a loop between everything. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. The scent of his destruction was everywhere, choking him. He couldn’t move. He destroyed him.
He couldn’t move.
He wiggled his fingers and toes, relieved that all of them felt intact. His heart was beating in his chest, and he felt a new connection to his other organs after the ordeal. Everything felt like it was in the right place again. His back and sides were sticky, so Alfred probably hadn’t gotten to that part yet if he was cleaning up.
Ivan opened his eyes and saw Alfred still hovering over him, eyes glazed over and tears streaming down his face. Which…he hadn’t seen his partner cry in decades.
“Sunflower, what’s wrong?” he asked. When that didn’t spark a reaction, he crawled out from under him and winced at the sensation of the drying blood. He lifted Alfred up as gently as he could and make way for the shower. It would be easier to handle everything once they were both clean. Ivan grabbed the small shower chair they used on particularly bad pain days and sat him down once the water was warm enough. He slowly worked the blood lose on Alfred’s face from the nosebleed, and felt some tension loosen in his chest when Alfred leaned into him. Hopefully it meant that he was coming back to himself, because it was kind of difficult to get the blood off of the middle of his back without his partner’s help.
He managed to get most of it (the rest flaked off and stained one of their towels) and carried Alfred back to their bed. The tears had stopped, but he still hadn’t said anything yet. He clung to the older Nation as soon as they were settled, nestling right up against Ivan’s chest.
“You did good, I had fun,” Ivan whispered. Alfred gave a slightly deeper breath in response, “Such a good job. You took care of me, I wasn’t hurt — “
“Shut. Up,” Alfred finally said, “I ruined fucking everything. Again,”
“Again? But we’ve only done this once,”
“It’s…it’s this and everything else. I always ruin it. I don’t know how you don’t hate me,” What the fuck was going on? Why was he acting like this? It was too much to deal with after being knocked out cold from one of the most interesting sexual experiences in his life.
“Do you think I let just anybody hold my heart and rip me apart? How could I hate you if I let you do that?” Ivan offered.
“I guess…but see how I’m ruining this, too? You probably just wanna sleep,”
“You having emotions doesn’t mean you’re ruining something. Stupid America,” That at least got a huff that Ivan interpreted as a laugh. Alfred pulled his head away from Ivan’s chest to finally look him in the eyes. They were clearer now, but still filled with pain.
“You’re alive,” Alfred assured himself. Ivan brought a hand up and gently ran his fingers through Alfred’s hair.
“I am,”
“You’re not gonna jump off a building again,”
“I haven’t felt the urge in a decade or so,”
“You don’t hate me,”
“Quite the opposite,” Ivan finally saw most of the tension leave his body and the exhaustion from today settle in, “We’ll prepare better for this next time,”
“Next time? You’d…really want to do this again? After all that?”
“We can alternate between fantasies. Or save it for bad days to make them better. I don’t see what’s stopping us,”
“I — ,” Alfred cut himself off, “Okay. We’ll clean up the rest in the morning,”
They cuddled closer to each other and Alfred quickly fell asleep, drained emotionally and physically. Ivan knew this wouldn’t be the end of the conversation. He didn’t realize how affected Alfred was from his 1990’s depression spiral, but if they had switched places Ivan would be hole up in some cave in Siberia out of shame for not being enough. They had to fix it before something was irreparably broken.
But that was a tomorrow problem.