Chapter Text
“Step forward and state your name.” It was a familiar command. By this point, he knew how these court proceedings went, he had participated in them countless times. But he had never expected he would be on this end of it.
“Let’s say that, hypothetically, it was necessary for me to state my name. Would you agree that that implies you did not already know my name? So, in this scenario, you wouldn’t know my name, even though I have served this government for many years? Any reasonable person would assume that you would, in fact, know my name, so you asking me to state it is contradictory. Facts don’t care about your feelings,” he spat back.
There was an uproar. “SILENCE!” The judge, Adin Ross, roared, as he slammed his gavel down. “Mr. Shapiro, do you wish to accrue more ill will from this court? Answer the command.”
Ben growled, but he stepped forward, and stated his name. “Benjamin Aaron Shapiro.” The stenographer dutifully scribbled away, the courtroom sketch artist hurriedly typing their prompt into Grok AI.
“Mr. Shapiro, you have been accused of high crimes against these United States,” Adin continued, in an uncharacteristically cold tone. “How do you plead?” he finished, his jaw returning to his mew streak as soon as it was closed.
“Let’s say that, hypothetically, I was guilty. If that were the case, it would only hurt my case to lie, and so any reasonable person would conclude it was the best option to plead guilty. However, I am not guilty, so it therefore must logically follow that I plead not guilty.”
His logic was impeccable, and there was murmuring in the audience as they recognized this. Adin, however, was still unconvinced. He addressed the opposite bench next. “The prosecution may begin.”
The state prosecutor, YandereDev, rose, taking a sip from a chalice filled with some sort of white liquid. “Your Honor, I am committed to keeping this great nation safe,” he began, keeping his eyes trained on Adin Ross. “Safe from men like Ben Shapiro. You see, America was founded on Judeo-Christian values, and we have labored for a long time to protect this fact,” he continued.
This much was obvious. But that was how court proceedings were, and always had been, with stating some vague nonsense about why this case is somehow the bedrock of democracy. Ben knew exactly what he was being charged with, and he was fully prepared to defend himself.
“Mr. Shapiro.” YandereDev’s address to him brought his attention back to reality. “You famously tweeted on The Website Formerly Known as X, that you believed rap music, is not real music, correct?”
“That’s correct. Fact: rap is not music, if you believe it is, you’re stupid. Let’s imagine, hypothetically–” he was cut off in the middle of his defense by YandereDev, who turned to relay this to the audience. “Of course!” he crowed, taking another swing from the thick, creamy liquid filling his chalice. “Rap could never be real music. It’s just a bunch of artless thugs talking about drugs, and hoes.”
The jury nodded. Even Justice Ross seemed placated, at least for now. But the coup de grace was coming. YandereDev couldn’t help but smirk as he fired back with his prepared line. “And yet, on January 26th, of 2024, you released a rap song, title ̈́Facts.’ Tell me, Mr. Shapiro, is this not true?”
Multiple gasps echoed from the jury, one woman even fainting. But Ben could hardly keep himself from smiling. Of course, the poor game developer had played right into his hands. “Hypotethically speaking, let’s say I was responsible for a piece of rap. In this hypothetical scenario, would that somehow make rap actual music? I think anyone sensible would agree that it didn’t. So, given these parameters, I would be responsible for making something that isn’t music. But, even in this hypothetical, I would not have committed any actions against the Trump regime. Facts don’t care about your feelings.”
The jury gasped again, even louder this time. The woman that had fainted immediately snapped back to consciousness. Even Justice Adin Ross’s eyes went wide at his logic. YandereDev froze where he stood, his back to Ben. He was slightly shaking. No, not shaking, he was…laughing.
YandereDev chuckled as he turned back to Ben. “Oh, but of course. But that’s not the most damning piece of evidence, is it?” He grinned malevolently as he spat out the words. “Tell them your secret, Benjamin.”
Ben faltered. His…secret? He wasn’t prepared for this. Still he retorted easily, not losing his cool. “Hypothetically speaking, if I were to have a secret—” but he was cut off by more laughter from YandereDev as he pointed an accusing finger, a malicious gleam in his eyes. “You’re a JEW!”
Both men and women fainted. A dog threw up. Justice Ross banged his gavel incoherently, as a cacophony of noise flooded in. “ORDER, ORDER!” he bellowed, red in the face. “You’ve made a serious accusation, YandereDev. This is no laughing matter!”
YandereDev still grinned cockily as he took another slurp of the thick fluid filling his chalice. “Oh, but it’s true! Tell ‘em, Ben! Tell ‘em your dirty secret,” he spat, hot wads of the milky substances dripping down his cruel lips as he smiled.
Ben’s eyes narrowed. This was all a power play, wasn’t it? He could handle this. “Hypothetically speaking, even if I were Jewish, that would only strengthen my connections to this great nation. We’ve established that the United States of America (pbui) is founded on traditional, Judeo-Christian values, what any reasonable person would expect to be the foundation of a stable democracy. The Judeo- half of–”
He was cut off by an unhinged shrieking from YandereDev. “OBJECTION!” he gasped out, his breath coming in uneven heaves as he cackled manically. “Just because there’s a JUDEO in JUDEO-CHRISTIAN doesn’t mean that’s what it is! By your logic, there’s a ‘man’ in ‘woman!’ I declare to this court, that this “man” is not only a Jew, but a TRANSGENDER!”
Utter shock swept through the court like a red wave taking back the swing states. The women and men who had fainted immediately returned to consciousness, pissed themselves, then fainted again. The dog died instantly. Even the normally composed Adin Ross recoiled in horror, and from the acrid smell of piss suddenly emanating from the jury box.
“I’ve heard enough!” he roared, pointing his gavel at Ben with a vicious look in his eyes. “I find the defendent—GUILTY!” He pulled his shirt over his nose as he continued the sentencing. Somewhere in the jury appeared to have shit themselves, as well.
“I sentence you to DEATH! By ratio on twitter!” he gagged. “Bailiff! Please– UGH!” Ben’s eyes watered too as he struggled to process what had just happened. This country–he had served it endlessly, and now he was dying because YandereDev had a clever line? He opened his mouth to say something, but immediately he was struck by the awful smell of shit pants.
This couldn’t be natural, right? There was no way one man was responsible for all of this. And everybody knows girls can’t poop. Ben’s suspicions were confirmed when the bailiff, attempting to stand up, shuddered and fell to one knee. A Gas Attack! He barely had the frame of mind to dive under his desk before the wall caved in.
Something tore through the wall. He vaguely recalled the news of rebels moving around in this region; but they couldn’t–it was impossible, this place was too well guarded!
Well, the rubble falling around him was a stark reminder of the opposite. A crumbling piece of the ceiling landed on his leg, nearly blinding him in pain. Ben screamed (very masculinely) as he could feel bones breaking. As everyone else turned towards the exits, or pulled out their weapons to face the hole in the wall, where a few figures stood, shrouded in dust, he could feel something take a hold of him, shifting the weight on his leg.
He could only scream in pain, but suddenly he felt a cloth gag roughly shoved into his mouth. He tried to twist around, but he couldn’t get a good look at his attackers…or perhaps his saviors. His vision was…blurring, anyways. Distantly, he became aware that the rag in his mouth tasted oddly…chemical. That was all he could remember before he blacked out.