Chapter Text
Tonight was like any other night.
As was yesterday,
and the other day,
and the other.
But tonight, my phone exploded with requests for me to finish small, mundane tasks for idle people. My phone screamed for attention, and like an cowardly addict, I gave in immediately. I'd lost count of my fufilled tasks of the day, my list overpiling right before my eyes.
And despite it being too tall to support itself alone, I never raised my voice higher then theirs, I never told them to hang on for a day or two, instead letting myself drown in their attention and longing, leaving my legs to buckle under the metaphorical weight I constantly allow others to pile onto my back in exchange for praise and attention.
I was fucking disgusting.
I am fucking disgusting.
Yet, I still let them walk over me, using their praise to cover my wounds, allowing myself to suffer from the prolonged pain in whatever spare second I have.
Sometimes I dont have time for myself for weeks. The wounds just fester, untreated, conflicted feeling compressed down, left to linger with the shadows of my past self. The shell of who I used to be.
The real me.
I dont know who she is anymore, cant bring myself to remember.
I'd just finished one job, and immediately find myself hopping in the car to start another. I could go on like this for months.
Years even.
And I'd never grow bored of the showers of praise they pour over me. Never stop hiding th evidence of my tiredness and heartbreak.
Work is relentless.
But then again, so is debt.
I pull up at the house, greet the parents and walk inside their house like it's my own. They drive off, absorbed and in love with eachothers company, not a single doubt in their mind. They leave me alone, with kids upstairs who never stir, let alone disturb me, and the deafening silence.
They leave me to contemplate my life and how the fuck I'm going to make life any easier for myself.
Answer is: I'm not.
So I live my life the same everyday. Routine is the only thing holding the small, fraged pieces of my life together, ensuring they don't snap and wither away from existence. Its the only thing keeping me sane.
So yeah, my life is always the same.
Work
Leave
Drive
Fucking repeat