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Blue Lock v. Team Building Exercises

Summary:

"Shut up," said Ego. "This is exactly what the problem is. We've been getting complaints about how vile you girls are. They're saying it's inappropriate for young ladies that are to be role models in the world of sports. The network has told me to relay this message to you: tone it down. Perhaps you don't need to call each shitheads every three seconds. Me? I will do so as I please. But you? No."

"Wait," Isagi started slowly. "So they… they want us… to stop using frequent profanities."

"Essentially, yes."

"…"

"…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Bachira, falling into Isagi's hold.

Basically: that assembly scene from Mean Girls, but Femlock.

Work Text:

All Blue Lock players have been gathered onto one of the fields usually used for playing, and not whatever this is. Anri stands before the clumpy sea of teenage girls seated on the grass, a clipboard loose in her hand, now chatting amicably with the players because she finished taking attendance.

"Oooh! Oh! Miss Anri!"

"Yes? Bachira?" Anri called. Bachira put down her raised hand.

"Are we gonna play soccer?"

"Well— later, yes. But not right now."

"Oh." Bachira especially looks disappointed. Isagi, sitting right next to her, looks the same as well.

"I know. I'm confused too," Anri reassured sympathetically. "Ego… literally told me nothing. She just said to gather all the players somewhere here, and she was really grumpy about it."

"This is a waste of time," said Rin, sitting considerably distance from the main clump of players. "A lukewarm waste of—" Bachira started to speak the same sentence at the same time as Rin, but once Rin noticed what she was doing, she stopped herself to shoot an alarmed glare at Bachira.

"How did you…" Rin gawked.

Isagi quietly let out a snort of a laugh.

"I heard that!" hissed Rin.

"Soooooo…" Chigiri drawled. "We're just… waiting?"

"Pretty much," confirmed Anri.

Nanase raised her hand; Anri nodded at her.

"How's yer day?"

"It's been mighty fine!" Anri jankily moved her arms in a strange swinging motion, responding with an imitation of Nanase's accent. The awkward smile on her face immediately fell after she finished saying that, cringing at her own voice. "Okay, maybe not so mighty fine. My day has been shit. Next question. Gagamaru?"

"I miss Naruhaya…"

"Right, like how I miss Imamura. Who cares. Kiyora?"

"What's for lunch? Like, are our side dishes still gonna be decided by rank?"

"Yeah!!" Igaguri agreed fervently, as if Kiyora were speaking the wisest wisdom to ever be. "I'm so tired of eating the same thing everyday!!"

"Um, I don't know. Ask Ego. Nevermind, Ego definitely doesn't know. Uh… ask again later? Though let it be known I have been trying to get some specialists in to create custom meal plans for each of you. Same with some actual professional chefs— Ego's just kinda stubborn about that too, for no reason… something about you girls not deserving flavors."

"My personal assistant is in contact with some chefs that work with athletes," Reo spoke up. "I can put you in contact with her, if you'd like."

"Huh!" Anri exclaimed. "Sure, that sounds great."

Kiyora blinked. "We have chefs?"

"No," Anri smiled.

"Then how…"

"Think about it," said Kurona, seated next to Kiyora. "We've never seen another staff member here, here."

"Yeah, but—" Kiyora sputtered. "I mean, there's gotta at least be— a janitor, or a nurse or something—" Kiyora looked back at Kurona to see that her eyes were scary and voidlike now. "Ah."

"Blue Lock is for crazy people."

"Egoists," Kiyora hummed.

Yukimiya decided this was a wonderful time to speak up. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed the many Geneva Conventions violated by Blue Lock. It may not be my place to speak up about it, but—"

"Let's not talk about that!" Anri exclaimed forcefully. "You all want to be the best striker in the world, don't you?"

Bold confirmations of this statement ripple through the crowd.

"Then let's not talk about that!" she chirped, then sent a sharp look to one of the cameras as if to tell the BLTV editors to cut out that part.

"Okay!" cheered Bachira.

"Okay!" agreed Anri. There was a brief pause before she scanned the crowd again, eyes spotting another raised hand. "Raichi?"

"We gunna get food or anything for this?" Raichi waved her hand in a circle. "'Cause I'm hungry, and Ego's taking forever."

"Again on the food," Anri said with exasperation. "The answer is no."

"Damn."

"I think my butt fell asleep," Nagi said, her back curled up against Reo. "Can't get up anymore…"

"Like I said," Raichi groaned, waving her arms up manically. "FOREVERRRRR."

"At this point, we should just be playing soccer!" Shidou shouted with vigor, already starting to stand up. "We really could've been doing that the entire time! Come on, I know you're all up for a little crazy fun free-for-all!"

"Shidou, sit down," Anri warned. "I promise she'll be here soon."

"Soon," pouted Shidou. "Soon. Not now. Maybe if we start beating each other up, she'll get here faster."

Shidou looked at Isagi. Isagi frowned deeply and shook her head. "Let's not do that," she suggested.

"LITERALLY FOREVER," Raichi chimed in again like a rabid dog.

"You know what we could do while we wait?" suggested Hiori. "Hook Beat Saber up to the projector and take turns watching each other."

"I'm down," piped up Karasu. "Dunno where we're gonna get the stuff for it, but I'm down."

"I could makes some arrangements," Reo said, pulling out her phone and thinking this would be a great way for Nagi to show off her rhythm game skill. "How does delivery by helicopter sound?"

"NO!" Anri exclaimed frantically. "No VR! No helicopters! We're— just, waiting! We're just gonna wait!"

"…" Everyone looked a little disappointed.

Reo sighed. "Alright…"

"She's never gonna get here," Raichi barked, just as Ego walked through the door. She looked like a mess, which is to say she looked how Ego normally does.

"Hello, my diamonds in the rough," she started, lumbering her way to stand where Anri was.

"Fucking finally!" screamed Raichi. "You couldn't have picked a better time?!"

"Shut up," said Ego. "This is exactly what the problem is. We've been getting complaints about how vile you girls are. They're saying it's inappropriate for young ladies that are to be role models in the world of sports. The network has told me to relay this message to you: tone it down. Perhaps you don't need to call each shitheads every three seconds. Me? I will do so as I please. But you? No."

"Wait," Isagi started slowly. "So they… they want us… to stop using frequent profanities."

"Essentially, yes."

"…"

"…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Bachira, falling into Isagi's hold.

"Shh, don't worry," Isagi said comfortingly. "It'll be okay."

Rin looked disgusted. "This doesn't even affect you."

"No, not really," blubbered Bachira. "But I feel bad for Isagi! And Barou! And Raichi! And Reo! And you! What are you gonna do?! That's like, like taking away your freedom of speech! It's so sad… wahh!"

"I know," Isagi sighed. "Really, if we were all guys, this problem would be practically nonexistant…"

Everyone glances at the camera.

"…but alas."

Bachira sniffled. "At least Barou can still call people donkeys."

Barou narrowed her eyes. "Hey."

"And Rin still has lukewarm, and NPCs, and half-baked… wait, unless they're gonna take away all insults from us?!"

Ego sighed loudly. "Listen up, strikers. Once we get this…" Ego shuddered with disgust. "Group activity, workshop, whatever you want to call it— completely performative, I assure you— out of the way, then we can say we've completed our end of the deal, and we can pretend this whole incident never happened. So—" Ego waved her hand a little at the audience. "Um. Do that."

"…What?" asked Isagi.

"I can't take this anymore," said Ego. "Anri. You're up."

"What?!" gaped Anri. "You make us wait 20 minutes for your grand entrance and now you're putting this all on me?!"

"Yes. I don't want to lead this shitty exercise. Anything you come up will likely be enough to satisfy the network, so just… do what it is, that you do."

"UghhaghahgahgahguGHHH!!!" Anri took a moment to scream into her hands. By the time she lifted her face up, there was an aggressive smile on her face. She shoved her clipboard into Ego's arms and took a few steps forward. "Okay, then. Everybody close your eyes." Anri received some weird looks. "Just do it."

"I want you to raise your hand if you've ever had someone trash talk you on the field," she continued. "…Open your eyes."

Everyone's hand is raised.

"Alright, now close them again. This time, I want you to raise your hand if you've ever trash talked another girl on the field… now open them."

Once again, everyone's hands are raised.

"This is to be expected," said Anri. "You're strikers, aren't you?"

The crowd murmurs, Ego especially nodding in agreement.

"I guess…" Anri shoots Ego an unsure look. "We'll do team building exercises… even though we kinda already do that all the time considering the whole soccer camp thing… but we need to keep up the illusion that we're doing something about this. So!" Anri clapped her hands. "Talk time!"

Anri wracked her brain for the shittiest of team-building exercises. Never did she ever think that she would actually have to apply these in her field of work. After organizing all the players and making them sit in a big circle, they were to pass around a ball— but not like, pass as in kick. They were to pass the ball with their hands. The whole gimmick was that whoever had the ball would talk about their feelings, and everyone else would have to listen.

"And do you feel disrespected by how Rin treats you, Nanase?" urged Anri.

"Er, not really? I'm grateful, if anything— she was generous enough to help me!"

"Tch," tch'd Rin.

"Right," sighed Anri.

Nanase passed the ball to Nagi.

"Your turn, Nagi," reminded Anri. "So? How do you feel?"

"Uhh.. fine, I guess," Nagi yawned.

Anri eyed the state of the girl, melted into a blob against a certain someone. "Uh huh… do you perhaps feel as though you rely on others too much?"

"Kinda?" answered Nagi. She did not elaborate any further, and just passed the ball to Barou, who just immediately passed the ball to Isagi with a withering glare.

"Ah, haha, my turn…" Isagi said with a nervous chuckle, rolling the ball in her hands. "I… don't think that all of us need to be here. Some of us need this workshop way more than others, and the rest are more like victims to those geniuses— who could really be using this time to practice instead."

Anri hummed. "That's probably true. How many of you have felt personally victimized by Isagi Yoichi?" Anri nodded, a tight smile on her face as she looked upon everyone's raised hands. "There you go."

"Oh," said Isagi. She just passed the ball again.

A corny trust fall activty commences, where one must apologize to someone they've hurt in the past, then fall off the platform with their back turned to the crowd.

"Yukimiya," said Isagi. "I'm sorry for telling you to pleasure yourself as you die alone on a sinking ship."

"Totally crazy how the finer details of that insult are lost in translation!" Bachira whispered to Rin loudly. Rin just rolled her eyes.

Next.

"Nagi," announced Igaguri with a serene air of wisdom. "I'm sorry for calling you lazy and stupidly clingy towards Reo. I see now that it is more complex than that."

"Who are you again?" asked Nagi.

Next.

"To my homegirl, Karasu," said Otoya. "Sorry for saying your ass is fat, even though it's true. But it's okay, because your boobs are flat, so it evens out. Fat or flat, it's all good… man, I'm some kinda poet..."

"Do we have to catch her?" asked Karasu.

Next.

"I am not sorry," said Barou.

Next.

"Raichi," said Reo. "I'm sorry for fouling you that one time, and then yelling that I barely touched you. I recognize that that was objectively untrue. And I'm sorry for bringing it up again, right now."

Next.

Chigiri's turn. "Igaguri. Isagi. I'm sorry for stealing your trade with Kunigami, forcing you have to have to deal with your pickled radish and natto as a result. To be fair, one could view it as me saving Kunigami from your so-called side dish, but I digress. I'm sure you don't care about this at all, since it was ages ago—"

"I accept your apology!" Igaguri proclaimed passionately. "It is much appreciated! Hail the three treasures!"

Next.

"Kurona," said Hiori. "I'm sorry for accidentally using your toothbrush to scrub my cleats—"

"WHAT, WHAT?!"

Next.

"Rinrin!" sang Shidou, a wide electric grin spread across her face. "I'm sorry for—"

"DON'T. Even. Say it."

Next.

"Yeah, um, Reo," started Raichi. "I guess I'm also sorry for saying I'm your stalker that's gonna haunt your bloodline forever. I was man-marking you, what else was I supposed to say?"

Next.

Nagi doesn't even say anything, instead choosing to just freefall into the crowd.

Next.

"I just wish that elimination from Blue Lock didn't mean giving up your chance to ever play for the national team," sobbed Naruhaya. "Isn't Blue Lock about opportunity? Why would you give such an over the top consequence?"

"She doesn't even go here!" someone yelled from the back. It's probably Zantetsu.

Anri frowned. "Weren't you eliminated?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Okay, uh, we need to get you home, then…"

The team-building exercises come to an end. The network better be pleased with this, because this was most likely the best that they would get from Blue Lock. She genuinely doesn't know what else they expected from soccer-crazed teenage girls.