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Tamba laid in her bed, she stared at the ceiling.
There was no reason for her to get up, really. Her career was over. She'd never do gymnastics again.
Her life was over.
She laughed. Ironic, I wanted to go home so badly, I wanted to live. And now everything just feels pointless.
More than anything Tamba wanted to move on. She wanted her life to go back to the way it was, so she cut contact with the others, if she did that then maybe she could gain some kind of normalcy.
It wasn't just that though, deep down Tamba knew that if she'd stuck around, soon enough she'd lash out at them. Blame them for what happened, even though she knew it wasn't their fault.
Tamba knew that what she was doing wasn't going to work. Even if she didn't talk to the others anymore, she knew she'd never forget them, never forget what happened. And yet she tried anyways.
She picked up her phone to find a text from her girlfriend.
Hey baby, just wanted to check on you.
Tamba stared at the text for a few moments. It had been sent in the afternoon, it was evening now.
not doing well, sorry i didn't check my phone earlier i was sleeping
She waited for a response, but nothing came.
She sat the phone back down, rolling over on her side. She was quiet for a few moments, she wanted to cry, but her body refused to. She'd shed enough tears over what happened.
I can't do this anymore I can't keep living like this. Maybe it's time…
She sat up and opened the drawer on her night stand where she'd been she'd been taking painkillers from the bathroom cabinet. Her parents would notice the bottles going missing, and would buy new ones. She had two bottles of them in her drawer. Enough to…
She stared at them like she did every night. But tonight she'd actually do it. She thought about Wada, he died alone in his shitty apartment. He rotted in there for weeks. She thought about Hayashi, about how she promised to protect her. About how much she missed her. How much she loved… She thought about Ken. What he'd said to them before he was executed.
"All of you deserve to die."
He was right, she deserved to die. She shouldn't have lived. Why did she get to live? Why was she still alive, while Kamimura, Hayashi, Wada, and everyone was dead? She didn't deserve this life. She didn't deserve it at all.
She dumped out one bottle and shoved them all in her mouth. She had to stop herself from gagging on the bitter taste of them as she chewed.
She decided that they'd be enough. If she woke up she'd use the second bottle.
She picked up her phone and sent one last text to her girlfriend.
im sorry, i love you so much
Once that was done she got out some paper and a pen and began writing letters. She told her parents that it wasn't their fault and that she loved them.
And then she wrote the letters to the others. Making sure to put at the top that her parents would have to unblock them from her phone so they could contact them and let them know of her passing.
Finally, she laid down and stared at the ceiling, smiling to herself.
"I'll see you soon, everyone…"
•••
Hiroaki was drunk off his ass. He called Yanagi again, he was someone he could rely on.
He loved Ojima, he did, but he didn't want him to be worried about him. He didn't want them to get into a fight about something like this. Because Hiroaki was fine! He's coping with everything perfectly!
A familiar car approached, and Hiroaki smiled. It had been freezing outside and he couldn't wait to get into that warm-
He froze as the car pulled up. Ojima was sitting in the front seat with Yanagi. And Ojima looked pissed.
"Oh shit."
Hiroaki started running, there was no way he was gonna have a conversation about this.
Unfortunately for him he was so drunk that he tripped over his own feet falling face first into the grass.
Ojima got out of the car and lifted him into his arms, placing him into the car, he sat down next to him in the backseat. Nodding to Yanagi once he got both of them buckled.
At first it was silent, but then Hiroaki glared at Yanagi.
"Why the fuck would you tell him?!"
Ojima glared at his boyfriend. "Oh no, don't you start. You've been hiding this from me for how long exactly?!"
Hiroaki stared at him. "Uh… I can't remember right now."
Ojima pinched the bridge of his nose. "Unbelievable. You've been going out and partying, getting drunk, and instead of I don't know relying on me you decide to hide it from me and drag Yanagi into this too!"
Hiroaki glared at him. "That's because I knew that if I called you the first time we'd get into a huge arguement about it!”
Ojima scoffed. "Oh well we're having a huge arguement now, is that preferable?"
Hiroaki crossed his arms. "Not really, no.”
There was silence in the car, neither of them said anything.
Yanagi spoke up for the first time since Hiroaki got into the car. "Let's just get you home. You guys can talk about it in the morning."
Hiroaki nodded. "Yeah, okay.”
Ojima rested against the seat, looking out the window, watching the outside pass by.
Eventually he felt a weight on his shoulder, and he looked over to find Hiroaki resting against him.
He sighed, but pulled him closer. Despite being angry with him, he couldn't deny the fact that he loved him.
"I'm sorry," Yanagi said.
Ojima looked up. "I'm not happy with either of you at the moment, but we'll solve it later. Right now let's just get home. You can stay the night at Hiroaki's I'm sure he won't mind."
Yanagi nodded. "Alright."
Eventually Ojima nodded off, when he awoke, Yanagi was shaking him. "We're here."
Ojima nodded, lifting Hiroaki into his arms.
He placed him in his bedroom and laid down beside him, taking him into his arms.
He kissed the top of his head, sleep taking him not long after.
"Hey Ojima-"
Yanagi stopped in his tracks, smiling at the two. He knew that they'd work out their issues, they always did.
He went out into the living room and laid down on the couch.
He grabbed his phone and opened his messages. He clicked on Tamba, he had a feeling she'd blocked him, but he still tried texting her everyday. Maybe one day she'd see them.
He typed one last text to her, before attempting to sleep.
We're always gonna be here Tamba, come to us when you're ready. Good night.
•••
Yanagi awoke to the sound of raised voices.
He let out a groan. There's no way they're arguing at… whatever time it is.
He stood, deciding to make breakfast for the three of them. Once they were done he was sure they'd be hungry.
"I just don't understand why you hid this!"
Hiroaki rubbed his head. "I already told you why. It's because I knew you'd make a big deal out of this."
Ojima's eye twitched. "A big deal out of it? Of course I'm gonna make a big deal out of it! You were lying to me! I only found out because I called Yanagi last night and he was acting weird!"
Hiroaki sighed. "Takeshi, listen can we just agree that I was in the wrong and move on?"
Ojima looked like he was about to lose it. "There's no way you're acting like this right now! I have a right to be upset, you've been lying to me for who knows how long! And… I can't believe you don't trust me."
Hiroaki froze. "What?"
Ojima stared at him, anger still evident in his eyes, but also sadness. "You don't trust me."
Hiroaki shook his head. "No that's not- I do trust you Takeshi, I swear."
"Then why have you been lying to me?"
Hiroaki stared at him. "Because I knew we'd argue about this. And because I don't want you to be worried about me."
Ojima glared at him. "Well I am worried! You've been going out to parties, getting drunk, and lying to me! How am I not supposed to be worried?!"
Hiroaki reached out. "I…"
"I don't understand why you're doing this, Nakamigawa, please explain it to me."
Hiroaki looked away. "Takeshi…"
They heard a loud clang sound and the two ran out.
They found Yanagi standing there staring at his phone. His eyes were wide, the frying pan he'd been holding was on the ground.
"Shigeki, what's wrong?" Ojima asked.
Yanagi stared at the phone, he looked horrified.
Hiroaki snapped. "Shigeki."
"Tamba…"
Hiroaki and Ojima exchanged a look.
"What about her?" Hiroaki asked.
Yanagi didn't answer.
Hiroaki took the phone out of his hands.
He looked down to find a message from Tamba, when he read it he froze.
"We need to go." He said.
Ojima frowned. "Woah, what's going on?"
Hiroaki grabbed his hand. "Tamba's in the hospital we need to go."
Ojima's eyes widened. "What?! What happened?!"
Hiroaki shook his head. "I don't know. The text was sent from her mom, so we're heading to the hospital."
Yanagi still stood there, frozen.
Hiroaki turned. "Shigeki, come on.”
Yangai snapped out of it. "Right, we need to go."
The three got into Yanagi's car and started their drive.
"We don't know what happened?" Ojima asked.
"No," Hiroaki said. "Her mom just said that she was in the hospital and that she mentioned us.”
Ojima leaned his head against the seat. “God…”
Yanagi’s hands shook as he drove. “You don’t think she’s-“
“She’s fine.” Hiroaki said.
She has to be.
Ojima seeming to sense what he was thinking took his hand, squeezing it gently. Hiroaki squeezed back, he knew that their conversation was far from over, but he knew that even if they were angry with one another he could always rely on Ojima.
•••
After a few hours (and occasionally running through stop lights) they arrived at the hospital.
The three of them went inside, Ojima was gripping Hiroaki’s hand, and Yanagi looked absolutely terrified to find out what had happened to their friend.
The lobby was filled with people, but the ones that stood out the most were a man and a woman yelling at a woman.
Someone walked over and spoke in a hushed tone, the man and woman shoved something into her hands, before turning away, and walking off.
Yanagi could just tell that they were Tamba’s parents she was a spitting image of them.
“Excuse me, we’re the friends you contacted about Tamba we-“
Tamba’s mother scoffed. “Go talk to her my husband and I are done here.”
Yanagi blinked, stunned. “What, but what happened, how did she-“
“We’ve had enough time here. She’s already disappointed us enough as it is. Go talk to that… friend of hers if you want more answers.” Her father said.
And with that the two of them walked out.
Hiroaki turned to look back at them. “Wow, did any of you know that her parents were like that?”
Yanagi shook his head. “She said some things, but I didn’t expect this.”
Ojima sighed. “We’ll figure it out later. For now let’s go talk to the woman they were talking about.”
The three of them approached the woman her parents had been talking about.
She looked at them. She had light blue hair that went to her shoulders, brown eyes, and had tan skin. She was slim, but muscular, and was about average height.
“Is there something I can help you with?” She asked.
“We were looking for Tamba we are the friends her parents contacted.”
The woman blinked. “Ah, I see. You’re the people who…” She trailed off, before shaking her head. “Ah never mind. You should be able to see her.”
The three exchanged looks with one another.
Ojima sighed. “So what exactly happened?”
The woman hesitated. “She… it might be better if you hear it from her honestly. I’ll come with you guys, just in case she wants me to explain some things.”
Hiroaki raised one of his eyebrows. “Sorry, but who exactly are you?”
The woman looked away. “I’m just a friend of hers. Now come on, I’m sure it took all of you a while to get here.”
The three men exchanged another round of looks. They knew Tamba had plenty of friends, but why was only one here?
They said nothing however and checked in, before following a nurse and the woman down the hall.
When they arrived the nurse turned to them. “She still might be out of it a bit. So don’t overwhelm her please.”
With that the nurse left.
The woman opened the door, and the sight the men were met with made them feel almost sick. Tamba was lying down in bed, her face pale, turned to the side.
The woman approached her, putting an arm on her shoulder. “Hey, your friends are here.”
Tamba turned to look at them, her eyes were wide, and she looked upset.
She clung to the woman’s arm. “Kanna, what are they doing here?”
Kanna placed a hand over Tamba’s. “Your parents contacted them.”
Tamba looked up at her. “What?! Why would they- I only wanted them to be contacted if it worked!”
Kanna sighed. “I know, I know, but they thought it might help.”
Tamba couldn’t help but laugh. “Help? They thought that would help? Of course they’d think that, right after the conversation we just had of course they’d do something like this…”
Hiroaki crossed his arms. “So are you gonna explain what exactly happened to land you in the hospital?”
Tamba looked at them. “I… you guys should go.”
Yanagi shook his head. “Absolutely not! You expect all of us to just go home after we drove all the way here to see you? After how much I’ve tried to text you? No! We need to talk.”
Tamba stared at the three of them, she had a defeated look in her eyes. “Fine, we’ll talk.”
Tamba looked over at Kanna. “Can you explain some of the stuff that happened?”
Kanna nodded, squeezing her hand gently. “Of course.”
“Pause,” Hiroaki said. “Before we get started who exactly is this?”
Tamba sighed. “This is my girlfriend, Kanna.”
Hiroaki’s eyes widened. “Oh, okay.”
Yanagi frowned. “I see…”
Ojima looked over at Kanna. “It’s… nice to meet you.”
Kanna nodded. “Likewise, I just wish it wasn’t in such circumstances.”
She looked over at Tamba. “Let me know when you’re ready.”
Tamba squeezed her hand. “I’m ready.”
Kanna rubbed her thumb over her knuckles. “I got a text last night from Tamba. My phone went off and I looked at it. It said that she was sorry and that she loved me. I was worried so I went over to her house and knocked on the door. Her parents weren’t happy to see me, but I showed them the text.”
Hiroaki knew where this was going, and he felt sick.
“Her parents said I couldn’t come in, but that they’d check upstairs to see if she was alright. She wasn’t, they found an empty bottle of painkillers next to her bedside table.”
Yanagi stared at her. “You… you tried to-“
Tamba looked away. “Yeah, I did.”
Kanna sighed. “Do you need a minute?”
Tamba shook her head. “No, you can keep going.”
Kanna nodded. “Alright. We took her to the hospital and the doctors got her stabilized. Her parents decided to go through everything, including her phone. They found some stuff in there that led to a… disagreement. That’s what you walked in on in the lobby. And that’s about everything.”
The three men sat there shocked and horrified with what they just heard. Tamba tried to commit suicide. She would’ve succeeded if it wasn’t for the fact that Kanna saw her text.
Hiroaki was the first to speak. “Jesus Tamba, why would you do that?”
Tamba stared at him, before turning to Kanna. “Can you leave for a few minutes? I wanna talk to them.”
Kanna nodded, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Of course.”
Kanna left the room, leaving the four survivors alone.
Tamba looked back at them all. “I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve to be alive. That’s why I did it.”
Yanagi felt ill. “How could you say something like that? You deserve to live Tamba, you-“
“No I don’t. They did, they deserved to live. They were good people, they had their lives ahead of them. I don’t, I’m useless, I don’t have anything that I’m looking forward to in life.”
Ojima shook his head. “That’s not true, what about Kanna? What about your parents? What about being a gymnast?”
Tamba shook her head, a sad smile on her face. “After what happened today I don’t think my parents will ever want to see me again. And I love Kanna, but she deserves better, she’d be better off without me.”
Hiroaki noticed how she dodged the last question. “What about being a gymnast?”
Tamba looked down at the bed. “That’s over.”
Hiroaki was afraid to ask his next question. “Why?”
Tamba glared. “Because of my knee! It’s messed up, it just got worse and worse and now I’ll never be able to do gymnastics again!”
Hiroaki stared at her, guilt immediately flooding him. “I’m so sor-“
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
It was quiet.
“Ken was right.”
The three men didn’t know how to respond to this, so they just stared at her, shocked.
“I deserve to die, I’m a horrible person. He was right about me.”
Ojima walked over. “No, no he wasn’t. Listen I know everything’s bad right now. That everything’s fucked up. But listen to me, I promise you Ken was wrong. And we’re gonna figure this out. All of us, we’re gonna figure out how to deal with this. How to cope with it. But that means we can’t keep hiding things anymore. We have to stick together because we’re all we have. We’re the only ones who can understand what we went through. Do you understand?”
Tamba stared at him. “But how are we gonna figure it out. How do we even do that? How do we move on? I’ve been trying, but it’s not working.”
Ojima stared at her. “I… I don’t know, but that’s what we’ll figure out together.”
Hiroaki stepped forward. “I’m sorry, Tamba, you aren’t worthless. I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but I mean it, you have worth outside of gymnastics.”
Tamba stared at the two of them, tears threatening to slip out.
Yanagi walked over to her. “Tamba, please stay. We’ve already lost enough people, I don’t want to lose someone else.” His voice broke. “I’m begging you Tamba, don’t leave, don’t go.”
That’s what broke her, she let out a sob, pulling Yanagi into a hug. “Okay, I’ll stay. I promise, I’ll stay.”
The four of them embraced, holding onto one another, knowing that they were each other’s life lines. They had to take care of each other. Because they were the only ones who could understand one another. And maybe staying together was their first step towards healing.