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I looked back at my brother. He looked down at me.
“You alright?” He asked, not moving from his standing position.
I nodded before I even thought about it. I mean, I wasn’t dead. And the strangers ravaging me were gone. So I guess I was fine. My hole twitched, it hurt badly but it felt like my emotions were behind a pane of semi-translucent glass. I knew what I probably should have been feeling but all I could do was lay there and make sure my heart kept beating. I felt every pulse from my aching chest. I thought it might stop if I wasn’t checking on it.
He moved to a knee beside me. “Sit up.” His voice wasn’t authoritative or cold anymore, but warm and soft like I hadn’t heard in years. He put his hands on my sides, helping me up. I sat up and we were almost on equal footing. This was much more gentle than he had ever been before. Maybe he felt bad. I looked up at his face.
I couldn’t look away from his eyes. They were dark like mine, but shiny and beautiful. I hadn’t noticed how pretty they were before and I wanted to get lost in them. I looked at his eyelashes and remembered how disheveled I must look with the mascara staining my cheeks. I pressed my head against his chest and took a deep breath. His shirt smelled like him. Not strongly, but enough for me to be comforted by the familiarity. I took another deep breath.
Slowly my body and brain were coming back to me. I wrapped my arms around his torso and held on tightly, probably squeezing him a little too hard. My brain urged me to stop, afraid of another punishment, but another part of me refused to let him go. My joints and muscles strained as if they would rip themselves apart any moment. If only my weakness could turn into violence that way, instead of the wretched collapse into fragility I am repeatedly thrown into.
Bile once again rose in my stomach and I dreamed I would retch the dark, tarrish awfulness that filled me over and over. Not just the assault, but my internal compliance and eventual gratification from it. To eject it from my body felt like the only reasonable option. Get it out, out, out, out, out. I realized I was already sobbing, thick tears falling in disorder down my face. I brought myself even closer toward my brother and choked on my own spit, losing my faltering hold on the miserable noises clawing out of me.
He held me too, gently, petting my hair. “Good boy… good boy…” his voice was like he was talking to some injured animal he was trying not to scare. I suppose I should have been suspicious of this sudden change in character, he was probably just doing this to make my plummet back to earth, back to how he always was even more shattering but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I was too desperate for any sort of kindness that I fell into it, sobbing even harder into his chest. If he would let me drop then so be it, now was all that existed.
Breaths filled with gentle, affirming words filled my ears as we sat together for a long while. He rubbed my back and stroked my hair, careful not to catch any knots or snags. Gradually my sobs quieted and eventually stopped, fading into deep, coarse breaths. His hand moved to cup my face, encouraging me to look up at him. I rested my chin on his chest, tilting my head up to look at his face. I knew I looked like a mess but he looked at me so kindly.
“How are you feeling, puppy?” He asked. I searched myself for a beat, trying not to let my instinct to agree take over again.
“I feel… tired. I… I don’t want to think about what- what just…” I started to well up in tears again and he brought me back to his chest in a hug. “It’s okay, you’re okay” he assured me, rocking back and forth a little to comfort me. “You don’t have to, it’s okay…”
It felt so strange to be soothed by the same person who planned to inflict this assault on me, the same brother who had choked me out and raped me. Who threatened to release pictures of my bloody cunt to the world. Who would probably rape me again. Maybe the joint assault was a punishment, and I took it so this is my reward. Maybe THIS was the punishment. But it didn’t matter, I had nothing else to hope for beside the idea that this kind version of him would last.
“It’s okay.” He repeated. He rocked me back and forth but slowly started to stand up, still holding onto me but looser now, urging me to get up. I followed and he sat us down on the couch, his back against the cushions and my head still nestled on his chest and nearly sitting on his lap without noticing. My legs were curled together and draped over his while my back curled into him, begging to be closer, closer, closer.
I wished I was smaller, without these gangly teenage limbs, and could just be held and be treated like the child I felt like at times like these. To be enveloped by some secure force, higher than me. Maybe that’s what god felt like to people who believed in that stuff. But everything I experienced was achingly human. God didn’t save me before, and God wasn’t saving me now. My older brother might as well be my god, shouldn’t he? He has dictated everything I’ve felt in the past few weeks, the most intense things I’ve felt in my life. He imposed his will upon me and I would follow.
I looked up at him and he smiled. He pushed me back slightly and started to take off the polyester nightmare I had long forgotten that I was wearing. I followed, assisting and taking off the little extras I had on. The long gloves, the frills, the ruffles. I was still taking off the stockings when I realized he was getting undressed too, but more slowly and considered than usual. He typically ripped his off, if he even took all his clothes off. It was often he just unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers, fucking me immediately.
I watched him as his body was revealed. His hairy chest. His thick torso. His stomach. His thighs. His shoulders. Him. Him. Him. Him. It had always been about him before but never like this. Always through force, through his will and my struggle, it was him. Tonight it wasn’t through his will, but just through him. His being. It felt almost sacred. He removed his last piece of clothing and moved close to me, hand on my thigh, and looked in my eyes with an acute sincerity and vulnerability.
“Do you want this?” He kept his eyes on mine.
I swallowed. “Yes… I want this.” I answered with a quiet, breathy voice.
He smiled and moved his hand to my jaw, softly cupping cupping my face and bringing it toward him. I held my breath, this had to be a trick. He looked down at my lips. I closed my eyes and he kissed me. Fireworks shot in my brain. I knew this was wrong, this was so so wrong but I couldn’t care and just wanted to kiss him back. I put my hands on each side of his face and did just that (to the best of my inexperienced abilities). We kissed softly while he pulled me back into his arms, but this time on top of me while I lay back on the couch. The weight felt nice for once.
Experimentally I let my mouth open slightly and he took the opportunity to swipe his tongue in my mouth. Never had I felt hunger like I did in that moment. I wanted to devour him whole and never let him go. I kissed back hard, clumsily shoving my tongue in his mouth and whining just to show how much I needed him to keep going. He pulled back and laughed good- naturedly.
“Feeling excited, puppy?” I only whined and locked my arms behind his head, trying to pull him back in as a response. He gave in quickly and gave me what I wanted. He kissed me deeply and I kept my arms behind his head trying to pull him closer, closer. I moaned and licked and tried to mimic his movements without realizing I was running out of breath until I had to pull back and gasp. He ruffled my hair.
“Remember to breathe.” He smiled at me. He looked down to in between our bodies, “Why don’t you lay a little further back?” He asked, getting off of me and sitting back on his heels, a smile still on his face. He looked like one of those pictures of Jesus in church where he was holding a lamb. I thought of mercy. I nodded and moved back, opening my legs and letting my bare, dripping cunt be exposed to him. It was shaved for the… previous events, and was still a pink red and tender. I hesitantly placed a hand over it.
“Please… be gentle.” I requested with a mousy voice. I had just been fucked hard by multiple people, the evidence still dripping out of me, but it still felt like my first time. Like I was being touched by him for the first time even though I had a bruise on my stomach saying something different. He moved forward, bringing my knees up and dragging the tip of his cock along my cunt, coating it in the wet mixture. I winced slightly.
“Just-” I put one hand on his shoulder, “Just don’t do it like they did…” I begged.
“Don’t worry, puppy, you’re all mine now…” He breathed, slowly pressing himself inside me. My cunt hurt badly but it felt good, like a burn after a workout. My own wetness and the cum still inside me acted as a lubricant, letting him enter me easily but still he took his time. He paused for a moment when he was fully in me and winked. I looked away, feeling my face get red. This was ridiculous, this was my rapist and brother. He stayed at home in his room all day playing Dead by Daylight and League of Legends. And I was blushing because he winked at me. God save me.
He started moving again but at a drawn out rhythm, like he had all the time in the world. I realized I had never had sex that didn’t feel they were trying to hurt me before then. It felt so nice like this. Maybe sex was supposed to be like this. Intimate. I let out quiet breathy moans to show my gratitude.
“God, I wanted this so bad…” he moaned, “While they were fucking you all I could think about was getting you to myself.” He thrust harder, deeper. “Using their cum as lube, this is so dirty, isn’t it?” he groaned, still keeping a slower pace but pushing himself deep inside me, filling me exactly right.
“I don’t care” I whined out, “I don’t want them, I want you. I want you.” My high pitched moans filled the air as he hit deep inside me again and again. The thought of him groping me as he waited for the guests entered my mind. The disgust I felt, but it couldn’t have been right. That disgust was nothing compared to the ecstasy I was feeling now. I must have been wrong. He fell forward, letting his elbows prop him up on either side of my head as he kept fucking into me.
“I love you.” He almost whispered. Whatever I was feeling earlier was wrong, this was right, this was love, my big brother loved me. I moaned and wrapped my arms around him, keep him close. I needed to feel all the love he was willing to give me and more. I did what I was supposed to and now he loved me the way I wanted. This is what it was all leading to, all that I needed to make things the way they were meant to be. My suffering would lead to absolution.
“I love you.” I whispered back. I looked at him and he opened his eyes, ours meeting but quickly closing again as we fell into a passionate kiss. We kissed and moaned against and held each other as he continued to thrust into me, picking up his speed as our kiss got more and more intense. My mouth opened wider than the kiss as he hit the spot inside me that sent a rush through my cunt every time it was hit. He tried to hit it over and over but his sloppiness almost felt better than if he were mechanical. I feel so good, he can’t even focus on keeping his hips straight. He likes me that much. I couldn’t help but feel special.
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.” He moaned over and over as I could tell he was reaching the peak of his pleasure. I clenched my cunt around him, eager to make him feel as good as he was making me feel. I owed him that much. He noticed and quickly pressed his cock as deep inside me as he could as he released himself inside me. His cock twitching and slowly softening within me was a feeling I savored, and tried to burn into my mind.
It was all over quicker than I wanted it to be. I didn’t come but that wasn’t why I felt that way. A part of me was just hoping I could stay in that perfect, close place for longer. Maybe even forever if I was lucky. I guess that’s what people say about marriage. I suddenly felt a wave of overdue exhaustion overtake me as I struggled to keep my eyes open. My mind went fuzzy. Maybe it way okay to drift off. Maybe my big brother would notice and cover me with a blanket and cuddle me. I would just be grateful if he loved me that much.
And maybe. If I was lucky. Someday I could marry my older brother who raped me.