Work Text:
Ever since Sirius Black was born he has had the words “Remus. Remus Lupin” tattooed on his forearm.
Some wizards are born with the first words their soulmate says to them tattooed onto their skin but as a child Sirius was told that soulmates weren’t real.
Pure blood was all that mattered.
Toujours Pur, the family motto.
Sirius would marry whoever was best for the family name and it didn’t matter whether they were soulmates or not.
But whenever he looked at the ink on his arm, he couldn’t help the twinge of excitement and anticipation that built in his stomach.
...
The red haired girl and black haired boy leave the compartment and Sirius can’t help but feel grateful.
He’s alone in the compartment now with the boy with the messy hair and glasses who seems determined to be put into Gryffindor house.
Sirius thinks about how good that would feel, knowing where you belong.
His family thinks he belongs in Slytherin as there is apparently no other option for the heir of the noble and most ancient house of Black.
But he isn’t like his cousins who had been sorted into Slytherin.
He doesn’t take pleasure in teasing their younger cousins, listening in on their parents conversations about some “Dark Lord” or in the killing of innocent albeit annoying insects.
But his parents want him in Slytherin house.
So a Slytherin he would have to be.
Sirius is just about to strike up another conversation with the other boy, James, when the compartment door opens again.
This time it’s a different boy who enters, Sirius presumes from his height and fidgeting that he is a first year too.
James looks the boy up and down and before the boy can say anything, James has pushed aside the chocolate frogs beside him so he can sit down.
“Can I join you?” The sandy haired stranger asks James but his eyes flit nervously between him and Sirius.
James nods, “Of course” and the other boy smiles widely.
Sirius thinks his smile is pretty.
Then he realises he’s not supposed to think a boy’s smile is pretty.
He thought that before and his cousin Bellatrix ran off and told his mum and dad, their reaction wasn’t pleasant.
But his parents aren’t here now.
“What’s your name?” Sirius asks when the skinny boy sits down.
“Remus.” The boy smiles again “Remus Lupin.”
Sirius’s breath catches in his throat.
Remus narrows his bright eyes at him for a moment before turning to James who has introduced himself and is excitedly asking Remus about what house he hopes to be in.
Sirius stays silent for ten minutes before joining in the conversation.
He wants to tell this Remus Lupin that he’s his soulmate.
He wants to persuade this James Potter to go find the sweet trolley so he can lift up the hem of his sleeve and show Remus his tattoo, his marking that bears his name.
He wants to but he doesn’t.
Because after all they don’t know each other.
Remus’s marking, assuming he has one, would have said “What’s your name?” and anyone could say that to him, lots of people probably have.
He probably didn’t think twice about it when Sirius asked him.
So he’ll wait until they know each other better before he tells him.
But Sirius couldn’t help but think that it would be nice if Remus and maybe James could help him find where he belongs.
...
Months pass by and Remus is one of Sirius’s closest friends.
They are in the same house, live in the same dormitory and they along with James and another boy called Peter spend practically every moment together.
But Sirius can’t seem to tell Remus the truth.
Remus disappears for a day or sometimes more every month. He has excuses of course but he’s not a particularly good liar.
When Sirius and James put the pieces together and realise he’s a werewolf they confront him.
Afterwards the four of them make a promise not to lie to one another again.
Sirius swallows his guilt and ignores the way Remus’s vulnerable eyes makes his heart clench.
...
James finds out first.
Sirius isn’t at all surprised, he knew he couldn’t hide it forever.
He lives with four other boys in a tight space and the truth is marked on his skin for all eternity.
Unless he wishes to have it removed. But the thought makes him want to vomit.
It’s his second year at Hogwarts.
There had been a particularly nasty incident in Herbology and Sirius was forced to go to his dormitory between classes and change.
“Mate? You ready yet? We’re all waiting for you downstairs.”
Sirius freezes, he claps a hand over his left forehand and whirls around to face James.
“Wha- em what?”
James’s eyebrows draw together as his hazel eyes dart from Sirius’s hand to his face.
“We’re waiting for you so we can go to class. Sirius what are you doing?”
“Nothing. I’m getting changed. Leave me alone.”
James’s eyes widen and he walks towards Sirius.
“Do you-“
“James please-“
“You have one” James’s eyes widen and he grins brightly. “You have one! But…but I thought only Remus had one! Why did you never say?”
“It doesn’t matter, can we just leave it?”
James’s lips form a smirk, “Why? What does it say?”
“James-“
“A swear word? Something worse? Come on just show me!”
Sirius gulps.
The truth was, he’s dying to tell someone.
He had pointedly left out Remus’s name in any conversation with his parents about his friends, even though there weren’t many, just encase they remembered the name of his soulmate.
But it would be nice to talk about his feelings with someone.
Someone who wasn’t Remus.
Because he just wasn’t ready for that yet.
“Promise you won’t tell?”
“Promise”
“Not even Remus and Peter?”
James nods, “I solemnly swear.”
Sirius hesitates for a minute before taking his hand away and holding his arm up for James to read.
James pushes his glasses up his nose and peers at the italic writing.
It’s only a few seconds before he says anything but to Sirius it feels like hours.
“Remus…”
“Yes.”
“His…his soulmate’s first words were ‘what’s your name?’ it's on his skin, he showed us.”
Sirius nods
“You two…you two are…?” James stands up to his full height again and his face is blank
“I think so…”
“You knew, all this time and you never said?”
Sirius nods
“Remus has no idea does he?”
Sirius doesn’t answer but the way he avoids James’s gaze and pulls his long sleeved jumper over his head roughly tells him everything he needs to know.
“Oh Sirius…” Sirius looks up to see James grinning at him “You’re so screwed”
Sirius freezes for a minute before laughing and shoving James out of the way,
“Shut up and let’s get to class.”
...
Peter catches sight of it in third year.
The four friends or Marauders as they are calling themselves now, are lounging outside on the castle grounds when it happens.
It’s a Saturday afternoon in early April and the sun appeared out of nowhere and began beating down on them.
Sirius unconsciously rolls his sleeves up in an attempt to cool down the sweat dripping down his arms.
It’s only when he spots Peter’s quizzical frown as he stares at him that Sirius realises he didn’t cast a glamour charm on his arm this morning.
Hurriedly, Sirius pulls down his sleeves, shakes his head in warning at Peter and casts a cooling charm around himself instead.
Peter shrugs and never brings it up but Sirius can’t ignore the pitying glances that are sent his way for the rest of the school year.
...
Shutting the door to his room, Sirius tries to drown out the sounds of his parents arguing with a spell he shouldn’t use outside of school but he can still hear his mother’s shrilling voice and father’s booming tone over the protective charms.
He sits on his bed and takes pleasure in ripping open his latest letter from one of his friends.
The Marauders found a way to send him letters so that his parents wouldn’t find out after first year and Sirius could not be more grateful.
Especially when the handwriting on the envelope matched Remus Lupin’s perfectly.
Sirius’s parents point blank refused to let him see any of his friends over the summer and it was killing Sirius to have to wait another month until fourth year starts so they can all be together again.
His friends always did a great job of cheering him up with each letter they sent, James would tell tales of his plans to get Lily Evans to say hello to him when they return to school, Peter wrote about the holidays his parents were planning and Remus always made sure to ask how he was doing with his family.
Remus was the only one who knew just how bad his parents could be and in every letter he sent he always subtly asked if he was okay. Remus didn’t know everything his parents did to him but Sirius was sure he suspected. Other than that Remus would tell him about the latest book he was reading and the new muggle things his mother was trying to encourage him to be a part of.
Letting his eyes trail along the delicate writing, Sirius begins to read,
‘Sirius,
How are you? Sorry I haven’t written back sooner, my mother wanted to take me shopping in Diagon Alley early and I couldn’t say no. She bought me two new books so I’m happy.
We met our new neighbours last week, they’re muggles. They have a daughter my age and she asked what my name was when we first met.
We came home and my mother burst into tears and was practically squealing with excitement, she’s convinced this girl is my soulmate. Dad wants me to talk to her more, every morning he gets me to go to her house with some excuse of helping them move in.
I think they’re just afraid I won’t find someone because of my furry little problem.
She’s nice though and pretty but I’m not sure whether I like her like that or not.
Anyway did you hear about James’s plan for our prank at the feast on September first? I think it’s brilliant. We just need to get Peter on board.
I hope you are doing well. Are you and Regulas getting along any better?
I’m looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!
From Remus'
Sirius stares at the parchment, rereads it over and over again until tears sting his eyes.
Tension, jealousy and anger flood his body and before he realises what he is doing, Sirius has torn the parchment to shreds.
It’s 2 am that night and Sirius is curled up in bed, quietly murmuring the words to a spell that mends the letter back together.
The ink has smudged but he can still make out the words that cause his hands to shake.
“She’s nice though and pretty.”
Sirius scoffs under his breath.
It didn’t matter whether he and Remus were soulmates or not or if Remus even liked this muggle girl but Sirius Black could never be nice and certainly never pretty.
Placing his wand and the letter in the drawer beside his bed, Sirius resigns himself to sleep.
He has two choices, he can either tell Remus the truth or he can keep lying to him.
All Sirius knew was that he would get hurt either way.
Unless he was very, very lucky.
...
“So Remus! What ever happened to that muggle girl then?”
James, Remus and Sirius’s eyes all flit to Peter who has one eyebrow raised at Remus.
Remus is sitting innocently with his feet up on the seat beside him, back to the train window and taking a bite out of one of his many chocolate frogs.
“Who?” Remus asks and Sirius rolls his eyes.
Of course Remus would forget about the person who Sirius hasn’t been able to stop thinking about. He hasn’t even met the girl but he can imagine what she looks like. Average-height, pretty eyes, probably brunette he could imagine Remus having a thing for brunettes.
She probably likes classic novels and watches those muggle stories on the moving picture box thing that Remus raves about.
James shoots Peter a warning look but Peter’s too oblivious to even notice,
“The neighbour who your parents thought was your soulmate.”
“Oh her”
Oh her? Sirius is practically seething in his seat.
All Sirius has thought about for the past month was Remus going to his neighbour’s house and helping this faceless girl move in. Eating dinner with her family, taking long walks in the town, kissing or just whatever it is muggles do when they’re on a date.
Whatever Remus would do if he were on a date.
“Yeah she’s definitely not my soulmate.”
Sirius’s fingers stop fidgeting and he stares at Remus in shock.
“How can you be sure?” Peter asks
Remus shrugs, grabs another chocolate frog and opens it, “Because I’m gay.”
Peter and James not so subtly glance at a gaping Sirius but Remus takes no notice as he grabs one of the books from his bag and opens it.
After a moment or two of silence he looks up at James’s amused expression, Sirius’s shocked stare and Peter who’s determinedly looking out the window.
“Is that… a problem for you guys?” Remus asks hesitantly
Peter shakes his head and smiles genuinely at him.
James shrugs, “Love is love Remus I don’t care. You’re just one less bloke I’ve to fight off for Lily’s attention now.”
Remus smiles softly at them but his gaze is brought back to Sirius who hasn’t said a word.
“Sirius I…” Remus tugs on his ear, “I know with your family you might not-“
“What?” Sirius shakes his head and his eyes widen in alarm, “No! This is great. Really. Ignore me, I’m just still in a daze that I’m finally getting away from my family after the summer.”
Remus lips twitch upwards but he doesn’t look entirely convinced.
“Really Moony.” Sirius grins “We love you no matter what. Now what chocolate frog card did you get? Because I’ve got three Dumbledores and I swear he’s looking at me funny, I need to swap.”
...
Sirius tries to forget the soulmates issue. He really does.
But no matter how many ways he tries to distract himself the pull he feels towards Remus never seems to go away.
He often wonders if Remus feels it too but since the werewolf has shown no signs of interest in him, Sirius decides he will have to figure it out on his own.
So that’s how he ends up in the library every weekend. He tells the Marauders that he’s researching about turning into animagi but the majority of the time he is reading ancient and recently published books about soulmates.
Professor McGonagall, or Minnie as the Marauders call her, catches him reading in the restricted section one winter evening. She was about to issue him a detention when she noticed the title of the book he was reading.
‘What to do when you find your soulmate’
Instead of punishing him, she smiles and walks away, pretending not to have seen anything.
She certainly doesn’t encourage a house elf to go bring the poor boy a plate of biscuits while he read so he wouldn’t go hungry.
Pages upon pages, books upon books, filled with questions he had never even thought of when it came to soulmates.
How it all began, whether it’s real or not, if fate is involved, what happens if you never meet you soulmate, what happens if your soulmate dies?
Then there are other questions that resonates more with Sirius’s situation,
How to tell someone you might be their soulmate, what if your soulmate has no interest in you and the most important question, do soulmates always fall in love?
Due to his extensive research, he discovers that no not all soulmates fall in love.
Some soulmates are simply friends, best friends, like he and Remus.
That could work.
So with this information Sirius decides to pay more attention to girls.
He takes notice of the girls who giggle when he passes by or the ones who always seem to do a double take when they catch sight of him in the hallways.
But he soon realises after he snogs a few of them that he’s into blokes.
Just like Remus is.
However it’s not until after he has one or two brief encounters with one of the few openly gay guys at Hogwarts at the beginning of fifth year that he realises that he only wants Remus.
He can accept that. He can accept liking boys instead of girls and liking one boy more than any other.
He can finally accept that he and Remus are actually soulmates.
Something that would be a lot easier and a lot less painful if only Remus liked him back.
...
The smell of Remus’s leftover tea and half-eaten chocolate fills the Gryffindor common room on a late Sunday evening.
There is a gang of third year girls gossiping in the corner and two sixth years debating over a game of chess at the table by the stairs but all Sirius can focus on is the sound of Remus gritting his teeth together as he scratches the quill religiously along the parchment over and over again.
“Moony?” Sirius says quietly “Maybe you should take a break, yeah?”
It’s the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts, their OWL’s are just weeks away and anyone can tell from the endless amount of books in his bag and the bags under his eyes that Remus Lupin is panicking.
“Not now Padfoot.”
James and Peter retired to bed an hour ago, both suggesting that the other two should follow. Remus insisted on finishing his charms studying and Sirius couldn’t bear to leave Remus alone to be buried under books and ink.
Sirius could never understand what Remus goes through before exams because Sirius never studies. It wasn’t because he’s particularly lazy or uninterested in his education but he simply doesn’t need to. He can memorise notes in a few minutes or excel in spells after a few tries that took others weeks to learn.
He isn’t proud of it, Sirius wishes that Remus was like that too so maybe he wouldn’t worry so much about trivial things like exams.
It wasn’t that Remus wasn’t clever, he was exceedingly clever, far more than he gave himself credit for. But Remus was good, he worked for every Outstanding grade he got and tripled his efforts when he only got an Exceeds Expectations.
Sirius knew why Remus tried so hard of course.
It was difficult enough to get a job as a werewolf in the wizarding world but if you didn’t have perfect qualifications then you had almost no hope of getting and keeping a decent job.
But just because Sirius understands why Remus stresses so much doesn’t mean he agrees with it.
Sirius stands from the couch, walks over to Moony and shuts his tattered charms book with a loud bang.
“What? Padfoot!”
“You’ve read that entire textbook five times Moony! You need a break. You can start again in the morning.”
“But-“
“But nothing.” Sirius says sternly “You’re going to take a walk with me, clear your head and then you can go to sleep. Tomorrow you can go back to studying, alright?”
Remus opens his mouth to argue some more but thinks better of it and nods,
“Okay, thanks Sirius.”
Thankfully they have their map with them and so they head to the Astronomy tower.
The Astronomy tower became their unofficial spot over the past few years.
It was where Sirius found Remus after the Marauders confronted him on being a werewolf. It’s where Sirius broke down to Remus in third year after a particularly cruel howler from his mother.
The two of them would come here when Peter wouldn’t stop annoying them with his ridiculously bad jokes or when James just wouldn’t shut up about how beautiful, flawless and perfect Lily Evans was.
Sitting on the open window ledge, Remus cast a charm so they won’t fall backwards and Sirius smiles at the protective gesture.
“Everything will be okay, you know?”
Remus turns to face Sirius who swallows when he takes in just how close they are.
“Yeah…” Remus runs a hand through his hair in what could be a perfect imitation of James and sighs, “Yeah you’re right.”
Sirius smirks, “Aren’t I always?”
Remus laughs.
They talk about their plans for the summer. Sirius’s plans to prank his brother and dreadful cousins and Remus’s hope for a massive bonfire in which he burns all of his school textbooks and his millions of parchment notes.
They laugh over James’s goal to woe over every muggle girl in his local village and Peter’s unfortunate role as groomsman in his creepy cousin’s wedding.
Sirius contemplates telling his parents that he’s accomplished becoming an animagus but rationalises that they would probably laugh in his face.
Remus’s eyes flicker with sympathy for Sirius and utter disdain for the majority of the Black family.
“You don’t have to go back there.”
Sirius snorts and looks at the ceiling, “Where would I go?”
“You could always stay with me.” Sirius hopes he isn’t imagining the hope in the other boy’s voice
“Yeah?” Sirius says wistfully
He could imagine that.
Staying with Remus over the summers. Having dinner with his parents, getting to know his decent, humane cousins, pulling pranks on that stupid, stunning muggle neighbour.
Yeah, living with the Lupins would be quite nice.
“Or James’s of course. You know you’re like a brother to him and his parents adore you. Wormtail would let you stay with him but he might have trouble convincing his parents.” Remus lips turn upwards “They think you’re a bad influence on him”
Sirius scoffs, “Me? Never!”
Remus laughs before he forces himself to be serious again,
“I don’t think it’s safe for you to go home Siri”
Sirius shivers at the exclusive nickname but shrugs at the comment.
“The war is only getting worse, we both know your parents are involved with the wrong side. You can’t…I hate to see you having to go back to people who keep hurting you.”
Sirius frowns.
How does Remus know what his parents do to him over the holidays? The marauders know his home life is rubbish but he never went into detail about it with them. Remus knew more than the others how bad they could be but he still never told him the extent of it.
He was always so careful to hide the bruises…
Sirius’s silence unnerves Remus and causes him to fidget with his robe,
“I’m sorry I just…I kind of assumed that’s why you’re always so wary about people seeing you…undress. I don’t mean that in a bad way. Merlin this sounds wrong but I just…noticed over the past few years. We live in the same room and you always change behind your curtains, even when we were kids. Even if you were just changing your shirt.”
Remus looks away and tries to think of how to phrase his next words.
“There’s obviously nothing wrong with that but I’ve hardly ever seen you in a t-shirt and when you’re in one you always look so nervous. I’d think you were insecure but how could you be?” Remus cheeks flame red “You’re…well gorgeous. So I thought maybe your parents-“
“It’s not that” Sirius whispers.
He can’t deny what Remus was saying. His parents and other family members had left multiple marks and scars on his body. But there was a much bigger reason why Sirius was so secretive about his skin and it had something to do with the three important words written on his forearm.
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me.”
“No I-“ Sirius faces him, Remus’s eyes are vulnerable and nervous, his cheeks pink with embarrassment, his hands are pale with the cold and are covered with enticing, intricate scars.
“Do you remember the day we met?” He says instead
Remus smiles so wide that Sirius can see his teeth, “Of course, first day of Hogwarts in our first year.”
Sirius swallows, “What else do you remember?”
Remus laughs and looks away as he tries to put the pieces back together from so long ago,
“It was on the train, I couldn’t find anywhere to sit and I saw two people who turned out to be Snape and Lily exiting the last compartment and going into another so I figured I’d try the one they left. Sure enough there was only you and James in it. I asked if I could sit there and both of you said yes.”
“James said yes.” Sirius says hurriedly and Remus raises an eyebrow,
“What? You didn’t want me to sit there?”
Sirius shakes his head, “No, of course I did but…do you remember what I said?”
Remus frowns and after a minute he admits, “No. I don’t. Why?”
Sirius gets captured by the confused, curious green eyes and figures that if he doesn’t say it now then he never will.
“I asked what your name was.”
Remus’s expressions shifts, his eyes widen and his mouth open but no words come out.
Sirius breaks eye contact and takes a deep breath, pulling up the sleeve on his left arm.
“I never told you…you never asked and I never wanted to bring it up. I was…afraid what your reaction would be.”
Remus hesitantly looks down and Sirius can hear the sharp intake of breath when he sees his own name imprinted permanently on his best friend’s skin.
“You knew? All this time, all these years?”
Remus’s voice is soft but Sirius is too afraid that his best friend will be disgusted and walk out of his life if he says anything so he simply nods.
“Oh Pads” Remus’s words are followed by a fingertip gently tracing the slanted words on Sirius’s forearm, “It’s always been there? How could I not have noticed?”
Sirius swallows, Remus’s touch is sending small shockwaves through his body but he tries to remain normal and remember how to breathe.
“I used glamour charms sometimes but…I didn’t like covering it up so that’s why I was wary around you in the summertime or when we would get changed…”
Remus nods in understanding and Sirius bites his lip.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Their eyes meet again and there’s something in his Moony’s eyes that Sirius can’t quite decipher but it persuades him to tell Remus the truth.
“I was scared.” Sirius whispers, looking down to where Remus’s fingertips were still dancing along his skin, “I was sure that you didn’t like me like that and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to be with me because of some…stupid fate, soulmate thing. I thought about it, Merlin I never stopped thinking about it but there was never a right time or a right way to say it. I didn’t want to risk our friendship.”
When Sirius looks up again, Remus is wearing a smile that could also be deemed a smirk in his beautiful face,
“You were wrong.”
Sirius sighs, “I know. I should have told you earlier but-“
Remus shakes his head and his smirk has turned into a genuine smile, “I wasn’t talking about that.”
Sirius frowned but before he could question it, Remus’s hand slides down Sirius’s arm and he interlocks their fingers gently
“You were wrong when you thought I didn’t like you like this.”
Sirius’s hopeful eyes dart up to Remus’s cautious ones and he can’t stop the overwhelming grin that spreads across his face.
“What, really?” The excitement in his voice is rather pathetic but Sirius can’t find it in himself to care.
Remus laughs and leans his forehead against his.
“Really. I’ve liked you for ages.”
“And you never told me?” Sirius can’t help but taunt in a poor imitation of Remus.
“Oh shut up” Remus teases.
Sirius searches Remus’s eyes for a minute before murmuring, “Okay” and he presses his lips to Remus’s.
It takes all of two seconds for Remus to start kissing him back, his free hand curling in Sirius’s long hair while Sirius’s free hand cups Remus’s cheek gently.
Remus’s lips are soft and slightly chapped and Sirius isn’t sure it can get any better but then Remus deepens the kiss.
Sirius moans and Remus chuckles but Sirius couldn’t help himself.
Because Moony tastes like chocolate. He tastes like pure Remus and chocolate.
If he said that he hadn’t been dreaming about what Remus Lupin would taste like for the past five years then he would be the world’s biggest liar.
It’s not a perfect kiss.
Neither of them have experimented that much with others to be an expert on this sort of thing but despite the shortness of breath, clashing teeth and a strand of Sirius’s long hair getting caught up in their intimate moment, it’s just perfect because it’s them.
When they eventually pull apart, breathing heavily, leaning their foreheads against each other, their hands still interlocked, Remus whispers,
“Some part of me always hoped it was you.”
...