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Ed has a problem.
Stede would tell him it’s a non-issue, that he doesn’t mind, but, fuck, it’s so fucking humiliating. Ed’s only 50. He’s still a spring chicken. (And that’s a Stede-originated thought, too.)
It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even want to have sex. And that’s a lot. Ed’s normally an enthusiastic participant, the drive behind most of the fucking they do. And yet.
Stede is smoothing his palm along Ed’s flank like he’s a horse. “It’s alright.”
“It’s not alright,” Ed grumps, lying sideways on a towel.
“Ed, I would say that in this situation you are not the one who gets to say if it’s alright or not. You’re biased.”
“So are you. You put up with too much from me, man.”
Stede clicks his tongue. He pushes Ed onto his back. Ed crosses his arms over his chest. Now his soft dick is just out there doing soft things.
“You’re beating yourself up over nothing, Edward.”
“Nothing—“ Ed splutters. “I pissed on you.”
Stede gives him a pitying look.
“And not just once!!” Ed exclaims. “I’ve done it, like, multiple times.”
Stede runs a hand over Ed’s hairy abdomen. “Darling…”
“No. Don’t ‘darling’ me.”
“Baby.”
Ed pouts. It’s not fair that Stede’s being so accommodating. Ed should be sent to the metaphorical doghouse. Since he’s gonna piss everywhere. Put him in the backyard. (Of their fourth floor walkup. [Make him walk the metaphorical plank right down into the city street.])
“Are you sure you don’t want to? We put the towel down and everything.”
The towel. God, the towel is a whole other thing. Ed shouldn’t need a sex towel. He should be able to come on his sheets like a normal person.
“I don’t want the towel,” Ed whines.
“Okay. We don’t need the towel, then.”
“That’s not true. Then I’m gonna piss all over the bed.”
“‘All over.’ Ed, it’s barely anything. Just a little sprinkle.”
“Untrue.”
“True. Ed, I just want to give you what you want.”
“I want a working body.”
Stede pushes into Ed’s space. He kisses him on the cheek sloppily. “Your body works perfectly.”
Ed groans.
“What if I peed on you?”
Ed ignores the little hop his dick does and hopes Stede does the same.
“Would you be upset with me?”
Ed pouts harder. The answer is, of course, no. Ed loves Stede too much to care if any of his bodily fluids touched him. He’s already a willing receptacle for his come and spit. “Guess not.”
“Alright,” Stede says, and he swings a leg over Ed’s waist and sits.
Ed lurches up. “What are you doing?”
“I just have to go a little. It’ll be quick, don’t worry.”
“You’re just gonna piss on me?”
Stede tilts his head. “Yes.”
“Without, like, talking about it first?”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“No,” Ed says quickly. “But. You should want to talk about it. That’s your thing, remember?”
Stede smiles. “I want you to be comfortable.”
Ed’s dick is crushed under Stede’s bony asscheek. He is maybe not that comfortable. Being pissed on will probably make it worse. That said, being uncomfortable is kind of one of Ed’s favorite things. His natural state of being.
“Fine. Okay. Go.”
Stede shifts his weight. His brow furrows. “Hm.”
“What?”
“My bladder doesn’t want to… let me.”
“Way to brag.”
“I’ll try harder.” Stede starts to visibly strain. He stops. “Can you look away?”
“Jesus christ,” Ed says, pointedly looking up at the ceiling. “Getting pee shy right now is crazy, you know.”
“Ugh,” Stede groans. “Maybe if you ask me for it?”
Ed blinks at him. “You want me to, what, beg for you to piss on me?”
Stede shrugs. “Might work.”
Ed sighs. “Stede, can you please piss on me,” he grumbles.
“Not exactly inspiring. Why do you want it?”
“…Didn’t know I needed a whole backstory to get pissed on, man.”
“We’re building a scene.”
“I dunno. I’m. Into it?”
“Are you?”
Ed thinks about it. The hot, wet splash against his skin. The way it’d be a little humiliating. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Huh,” Stede says, smiling. “That’s a far cry from how you were feeling earlier.”
“That’s not the same.”
“Mm? How so?”
“It’s you pissing on me. S’different the other way around.”
Stede considers this. Ed considers his dick.
“Can you hurry up?”
“Oh, sorry,” Stede says, and then, as if it’s nothing, starts pissing on Ed. It hits him in the sternum, splashes a bit up to his chin, and rolls down his sides onto the towel. The stream peters out into spurts and then Stede’s done.
“Oh,” Ed says. He’s got a creepy crawly feeling. Like a sexy piss spider is running up his leg.
“Was that alright?”
“Yeah. Uh.” Ed wiggles his hips a little. He’s definitely getting hard, dick still squashed.
“Mm!” Stede exclaims. “Good. How about I fuck you now?”
Ed grumbles.
“We can wash up before if you’d —“
“No,” Ed blurts. What a waste that would be. He feels delirious. “Let’s just. Like this.”
Stede gives Ed a smile that is definitely floating around the realm of smug.
“And you don’t mind the towel?”
Ed rolls his eyes. “It’s already soaked, man, what’s a little more?”
“Too true,” Stede says as if this was his plan all along, bending down to kiss Ed on the nose. He scooches back off of his lap and spreads Ed’s legs.
He makes quick work of fucking Ed open on his fingers and then he’s pushing inside. Maybe, just maybe, a little touch of pissing himself is worth it for this, Ed’s favorite thing. His head tips back on a moan.
“How’s that?”
“Good. You really don’t care if I piss on you again?”
“I don’t mind at all.”
Ed frowns. “I just want you to be sure.”
Stede smiles. “That’s very sweet of you, but, darling, nothing you could do to me would turn me off.”
“Is that a challenge?”
Stede leans down to press a kiss to Ed’s cheek. “I love you.”
Ed purrs. He hitches his hips up against Stede’s. Everything is nice and normal, a classic missionary style fuck with his husband. Maybe Ed won’t even piss himself this time. It’ll be like old days.
But the pressure starts building up, and Stede’s dick is nudging against his prostate just so, and Ed is going to come, and God, is he lucky he’s not single and navigating casual sex right now with all of the caveats that come with him, the piss and that finicky hemorrhoid that won’t go away and the way his leg will cramp up if it takes too long for him to come (more and more frequent these days).
“Fuck,” Ed gasps.
“Are you close?” Stede asks, sweaty and pink.
“Yeah,” Ed nods. “Yeah, just a little more.”
Stede fucks him harder, face screwing up in that way that means if he let his guard down at all he’d come. Ed thinks it’s supremely sexy.
“Fuck, fuck, shit, I’m —” and Ed is pissing himself. Like Stede said, it’s not a lot. It’s just… It’s a nonzero amount. Any amount of piss is kind of substantial when you’re not trying to piss yourself. Ed whines, loud and long.
”Fuck,” Stede grunts as he all but collapses into him, hips thrusting forward hard one more time with a low groan. Ed feels him come inside him. Stede tucks his face into Ed’s neck and Ed holds him tight.
“Hey,” Ed nudges him in the ass with his foot. “I still need to come.”
“Mm,” Stede agrees, wiggling a hand in between their bodies to wrap around Ed’s dick (which has softened a little post-piss.) He awkwardly jerks him off, the movement crushed between their bodies. Ed purses his lips.
A few seconds. A minute. Five.
“I might not be able to,” Ed says, frustrated, wiggling his hips into Stede’s hold. “This is so unfair.”
Stede smacks a wet kiss against Ed’s shoulder and pulls out. “Are you sure? I could go down on you.”
“Nah,” Ed grumbles. “I think I’m too annoyed to come.”
Stede’s fingers walk down his body to his messy hole and push inside. “Just give me a little more time with you, and we’ll see if we can’t make it happen.”
Ed’s neck stops holding his head up as Stede prods at his prostate. “You’re just gonna make me piss myself again.”
“Is that such a bad thing?” Stede’s other hand creeps along his side and then presses down on his bladder.
Ed peers down at him. “You’re such a pervert.”
“Mm,” Stede confirms, eyes sparkling.
“You’re not gonna get anymore out of me.”
“No?” He presses down harder. Ed’s dick aches.
“Mmph,” he mmphs. Stede presses down on his prostate hard and, hey, like an orange that’s never truly squeezed dry: Ed’s dick dribbles a little more against his belly.
The hand against Ed’s bladder moves to his cock as Stede starts jerking him off, other hand still fucking him. “How’s that?”
Ed’s breath picks up. “Yeah. Fuck, more.”
Stede fucks more. Ed whimpers, pushing down against his hand, and then (“Et fini,” the little Stede in his brain says) Ed is coming over Stede’s fist with a long moan.
“There we are,” Stede says, patting Ed’s piss sticky chest. “All done.”
“Do you think there’s any chance putting the towel down actually did anything?”
Stede crawls up Ed’s body and lays his chest flat against his. “Oh, to shield the sheets? No. We’re probably going to have to steam clean the mattress again, as well.”
“Ugh,” Ed groans.
“It’s alright,” Stede says, stroking Ed’s cheek. “We’ll get waterproof sheets. It’ll be great.”
Ed, having trouble keeping a pout on in the face of Stede’s unwavering love, smiles a little.
“How are you feeling?”
“Mm. Gross.”
“Shower?”
“In a minute,” Ed says, bringing a hand up to play with Stede’s hair. “It was kind of hot.”
“Hm? What?”
“Y’know. You pissing on me.”
“Mmyou liked it?” Stede asks, voice going a little mushy. He’s about to fall asleep. Ed should stop him. He should get him up for a shower.
“Yeah. You know how I am.”
“Yes,” Stede says, hand still at Ed’s cheek motionless now. “Ido.”
“We should get up.”
Stede snores. And that’s fine. Ed can lie here, squeezed out and wet, for the foreseeable future.