Chapter Text
Nearly everything her eyes could see was red. Tendrils of crimson blanketed the sky. The once shimmering blue water now replaced by a terrifying ocean of blood-hued miasma. All of it was accompanied by an ominous hum, as if everything around her was one single entity, alive and observing.
But the only familiar thing before her was a tall woman with olive hair, gazing out into the distance.
And so she approached. Cautiously, as if she was afraid of confronting the individual despite the sting of longing in her heart.
“I’m so sorry for failing you, Orpheus…” The woman spoke softly, still staring outward.
The younger girl took another step closer as a heavy, hot gust of air blew back her red hair, giving off the sensation of a humongous creature breathing directly onto them.
“I wanted to save you from having any more burdens, but all I did was add to them, in the end.”
Isolde turned to face Orpheus, offering a small, regretful smile.
Orpheus sucked in a deep breath through dry, cracked lips.
“I’ll suffer the nightmares, burdens, regrets… All of it, if it means I can protect Orphie from them.”
Isolde began to close the distance between them until the two women stood facing each other. Then, gently, she took Orpheus’ hand and placed it upon the silver flower pinned to her black uniform.
“Don’t make your life about weathering pain in her stead. Find happiness wherever you can. Maybe then some light will shine through in your dreams… Maybe then you won’t have to just relive this pain over and over…”
Orpheus felt a trickle of warmth on her wrist, soon finding her hand now clutching the knife embedded into Isolde’s chest. The blue in her eyes began to fade as she weakly placed her hand upon her old subordinate’s head, smiling in an attempt for comfort.
But Orpehus couldn’t make it out through the tears.
“Isolde!!”
She was jolted back to reality. The next thing she saw was some sort of… workshop? She tried to calm her heaving breaths as she tried to move. But the realization hit her quickly. She was no longer in her ‘body’. She was once again just a program inside of a weapon.
“Magus!!” Came the familiar voice of a silver-haired young man as he rolled his chair to better face her.
Another nightmare. Figures.
Wait. Couldn’t move? She may not have a body but she could still move when attached to Orphie’s tail.
“Wha.. Orphie!? Where’s Orphie!?” She growled, the reverberation in her mechanical voice amplifying the already intimidating anger bubbling behind it.
“S-she’s okay! Thanks to you! Do you remember? You were fighting in the Hollow. An exploder Ethereal came out of nowhere and you smacked it away at the very last moment to save her. Damaged you in the process… She said she felt safest if I was the one to… patch you up, so to speak. So… yeah, you’re here in our video store.”
“Where is she!?” Magus snapped, seemingly entirely unconcerned about her own position or what led to it.
“I let her sleep in my room. She didn’t want to leave your side but… it has been… many hours.” Wise emphasized by gesturing to the energy drink cans piling up on the desk.
“Your room?!” The crimson firearm’s fury was somehow only growing as he added more detail to the situation at hand; The fiery red in her eyes squashed any other possible interpretation.
“I’m- I’m not going to be in it with her!!! If I got to the point where I couldn’t keep my eyes open I was just going to use that sofa over there!” Wise waved his hands submissively.
Magus took a deep, heavy breath.
“S-sorry… Huh, you weren’t kidding. You really do look like you’re about to collapse… You’ve really been pushing yourself just to fix me…?”
“What do you mean 'just' to fix you? I was worried about you. We all were. Especially Orphie, of course.”
You were?
“...Ugh, this is terrible. I really should let her know I'm okay.”
“Absolutely. Let me clean out the rest of the temp diagnostic files and you should be good to go.” The smile Wise offered put her at ease, a detail that Magus herself found particularly uncommon these days…
“Thanks, Proxy...”
-
Wise diligently went back to work, but as the silence lingered, Magus began to feel an oppressive weight, progressively building upon her like an ominous fog.
Loneliness.
She was never apart from Orphie, and even in the uncommon instances where she was awake and Orphie was asleep, there was comfort in knowing she was always right there beside her. She found her attention constantly floating back to Wise, perhaps in hopes that his presence could temporarily alleviate the growing sense of detachment.
But he was focused on his task. He didn’t know. How could he? Her bond with Orphie was unique - Alien, even. It was foolish hoping him to placate the dependency that she couldn’t deny that was almost… childlike in its nature.
What she didn’t want to admit, even to herself, was that the feeling had slowly been itching in her mind as Orphie matured - Both as a soldier and as her own person.
Of course, the redheaded girl showed no interest in becoming independent from her Captain in any way. There was never a sense that she was even the slightest bit annoyed or uncomfortable in their constant connection. But that didn’t really make Magus feel any better. If anything, she worried even more - Was it really all right to oversee the entire rest of her life, attached both literally and emotionally?
On one hand, their connection could allow Magus to provide advice, guidance, attention, and love… In a way, she could correct or avoid mistakes she herself had made in the past. On the other hand, the constant surveillance prevented Orphie from truly experiencing life on her own. It went against her own words:
Orphie, my life was far too boring.. You should live your own life.
Magus’ life was cut short, but she had still grown up as an individual. Boring or not, her experiences, accomplishments, and mistakes were what shaped her. If she were to never leave Orphie’s side for the rest of her days, would it only result in molding Orphie into her own idealized self, the one she never got a chance to be?
Was it really okay to have that level of control over another person?
Orphie had still managed to develop her own interests, tastes, and preferences that sometimes were anathema to her. She’d chastise her ‘younger self’ for the oft-immature indulgences, but it was frequently just to keep up appearances. In secret, Magus was comforted by these divergent passions, still frequently trying to encourage her or even going as far as pretending to be offline so her companion could partake with considerably less guilt.
But Magus could tell at least a little guilt remained. After all, to Orphie, she was doing something she ‘shouldn’t’ or at least something Magus disliked, and Orphie was intent on pleasing Magus whenever possible - even if it meant foregoing something she was enjoying. And there was rarely any complaint. Their dynamic was all Orphie ever knew. What reason did she have to complain?
“Captain Magus, you all right?”
Wise’s voice startled her in its suddenness. So much that she initially struggled to respond.
“H-huh? Wha- yes, I’m just… running my own self-diagnostics. You’ve done well. No issues detected…”
The young man’s eyes searched her, genuinely concerned and seemingly unconvinced by the excuse. Her current form prevented her from being as expressive as a human, having only a fraction of the body language to display much discomfort or unease. How was he still able to sense the worries that had been running through her mind?
She sighed. Trying to deflect further would probably just cause the Proxy even more concern.
“I’m just thinking… That’s all.”
“I know I’m not even remotely as in-tune with you as Orphie, but… if you ever have the urge to talk to someone else about something bothering you, I’m always willing to listen.” He offered a reassuring smile… and surprisingly enough, she did find it reassuring.
“Heh, trying your hand at being a therapist to an intelligent construct?”
“More like trying to lend an ear to a friend.”
Friend… Apart from the squad, when was the last time I… made a friend?
“You don’t have to worry about me, Proxy, I’m tough as they come. But… thank- AH!”
She was interrupted by how suddenly Wise disconnected the cable linking her to his computer. Wise flinched in response, his expression instantly turning apologetic.
“Sorry! I should have said something. Are you all right? I shouldn’t really be doing anything without your consent now that you’re awake…”
“No, it’s okay. Not much different than someone poking you on the back unexpectedly, that’s all.” She reassured him, kind of endeared by the deep breath he took as he relaxed.
“Yeah, but… I shouldn’t make any assumptions about what you do and do not feel, or in what capacity you feel them.”
“If it makes you feel any better, it took some time to get used to all of it… It was my new body but I didn’t always know what to expect when it came to… new interactions that didn’t have any correlation to a human body.” Magus explained, the angle of her eyes drooping slightly.
“I kind of get it. The way we control Eous in the Hollow is actually directly connected to our brain. Not quite the same though. He still has a standard humanoid form - even if stocky.”
“Maybe it sounds odd, but in a way I still ‘feel’ my limbs, but it’s like I’m… suspended in air. Not just those, but a chest for ‘breathing’, a ‘heartbeat’ especially during moments of intense emotion… My voice is electronic - a speaker - but I still feel like I have to exert my vocal cords.”
“It makes sense. You were human for so long, your mind was naturally used to interacting with the world in a certain way. It likely is compensating for lost appendages and organs to keep things as familiar as possible. Maybe you could compare it to Phantom Limb Syndrome.”
“I’m not an engineer, programmer, or biologist. I couldn’t even begin to tell you why or how it works. But… one thing I do know is that after all this time… those feelings have gradually started to numb…
“Proxy… I-... If I ever lose those sensations completely… If I ever finally lose hold on the remains of humanity my mind clings to… will I still be the same person?” Magus’ voice was uncommonly soft. He had to wonder if she had ever voiced these worries to anyone before…
“That’s… a complex question that I don’t have a specific answer for. I think… what it means to be ‘alive’, or what it means to be ‘human’, is considerably more nuanced than a physical form.
“Your consciousness - thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, regrets - that's all real. I see how genuine your connections are to the squad, to Orphie. You have a strong sense of duty, but also a strong sense of morality - not being afraid to bend the rules to do the right thing and protect people, even ones you don’t know. Those are your beliefs. They weren't programmed into you.
“I can’t tell you whether or not you’ll ‘change’ in the future, but not all change is bad, even if it’s scary at first. What I think matters is that people cared about you in the past, that the people you're here with right now care about you in the present, and we’ll continue to care about you in the future - Soldier 11, Trigger, Seed, Orphie... Me. Hold onto human connection that way, and I believe you’ll be just fine.”
The people who care about me… includes you too?
Magus was quiet for a moment before letting out a brief laugh.
“You might be in the wrong line of work, Proxy. Good therapists are hard to find, and that’s why they can afford to charge a high price.”
“Oh? Would you pay me for this?” He smirked.
“Not a chance. It costs 4000 dennies to see a therapist, but it’s free to just tell yourself ‘It be like that sometimes’.”
“...I think I’m starting to understand where your stubbornness stems from.” Wise deadpanned.
“Seriously though… I don’t talk about this kind of thing much with anyone, even Orphie. I guess I don’t want her to worry too much about me. So… it’s kind of refreshing.
“Thanks Prox-... Wise. Sorry I got all uh, existential on you all of the sudden.”
“I told you, you can talk to me anytime you want.” He reiterated before grabbing a nearby cloth, “I notice I missed a spot when cleaning some of the residue from the explosion earlier. Mind if I get it?”
“You cleaned me, eh? Do you make a habit of bathing unconscious women, Proxy?!”
The silver-haired man almost instantly became a statue - face flushed, mouth hanging open - as his brain desperately tried to formulate a response that could do anything to alleviate the sense of dread that crept up his spine.
“Wh-wha… No! I…”
Kind of cute when he blushes…
“Heh, I’m just messing with you. Calm down!”
“...I’m uh, I guess I’m not used to you making jokes…” He breathed deeply, letting the relief wash over him as he dabbed the cloth against Magus’ frame.
“I know people get a bit tense around me sometimes, so Orphie told me sprinkling in humor from time to time could ease the mood. Uh… I guess I need more practice.”
“...We’ll work on it. Pretending to be mad might not be the best angle. You are a living gun, after all. Making me feel like I did something wrong means a potential laser to the face.”
“Hey, I know I... get a bit heated but I wouldn't do that to you!! Whatever, forget that for now. Probably best I get back to Orphie. She’d probably be upset if she found out we were yapping all this time without telling her I was okay first.”
“Very true… but it was good talking to you. Is it… okay if I pick you up?” Wise tentatively reached out, waiting for approval before moving further.
“Yes, yes it’s fine! Just… don’t forget to use good trigger discipline!”
“Noted.” He chuckled softly. As Magus felt the warmth of his hand around her, it provided an unusual sense of comfort, and perhaps a tinge of something else she couldn’t quite place…
And she couldn’t help but find that part a bit frightening.
I’ll be fine once I’m back with Orphie… I hope.