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“Dean.”
Dean turned around and smiled when he saw Cas standing in the doorway. He dropped his phone on the bed and padded across the floor and kissed Cas gently. Cas seemed lost in thought and just accepted the kiss Dean gave him. Dean reached behind Cas and shut the door then pulled him forward. “I missed you.” He mumbled against Cas’ lips. That seemed to snap Cas out of whatever was holding his attention. Cas kissed him back and brought his hands up to cup Dean’s face. Instead of answering back, he traced Dean’s jaw with his fingers. Moving his hands over Dean’s face as they kissed, Cas lips pushing against him as his thumbs traced their way across Dean’s cheek and down his neck. The act was so gentle, so tender, it sent a shiver through him. Cas slipped his hands into Dean’s jacket and started pushing it off his shoulders. Dean pushed up into Cas’ kiss and shifted so that Cas could get his jacket off. He took a step backward and Cas’ followed him, keeping their mouths connected. He slipped his tongue between Dean’s lips and stroked his tongue, pushing a moan into his mouth. Dean grabbed Cas’ face between his hands and pulled him tight when he felt his legs hit the bed. He wanted Cas to keep kissing him. Wanted them to stay connected. Cas slid his arm around Dean’s back and lowered him onto the bed, seeming to know what Dean wanted, and wanting it himself, because his lips never left Dean’s. He nipped at Dean’s mouth with his teeth gently, then caught Dean’s tongue between his lips and sucked. Damn he liked when Cas did that. He heard Cas’ shoes hit the floor and he tried to kick his own boots off but they were tied to tight. He growled in frustration, but Cas just pulled back from the kiss and smiled.
“Shhh. Let me Dean.” He slid down Dean’s body and grabbed his boot in hand and started untying the laces. While he was doing that Dean decided he wasn’t going to wait, he sat up and pulled his plaid off then whipped his tee off, tossing both onto the floor. He didn’t know why, but he was impatient to get them both naked. Maybe it was because he knew he only had a few hours this time, because he had to get back to Sam. He hadn’t even planned to come out here this weekend but when Cas had called and said he wanted to see him, how could he say no? Cas had never initiated it before, and just knowing that Cas wanted him, turned him on like nothing else. So he’d promised to come out for a few hours. And when he saw Cas walk through the door something in him flipped, and he had to touch him, had to kiss him. He leaned forward and grabbed the other shoe and pulled the strings quickly, wiggling his foot out of the boot.
“I was getting to that.” Cas said pulling the first boot off Dean’s foot and dropping it onto the floor next to him.
“I know. But I want you NOW. We don’t really have time to go slow today, I gotta get back to Sam.” He grabbed Cas’ shirt and started pulling it up. Cas laughed and helped Dean get his shirt off.
He put his hand on Dean’s chest and pushed him back as his lips traced a line on Dean’s stomach. “Don’t rush me. I want to take my time with you.”
Dean shook his head and unbuckled his jeans and lifted his ass to push them down his thighs. “Next time.”
“Next time?” Cas asked and Dean grinned.
“Yeah. Next time. Not as fun having your own words thrown back at you is it?” Dean shifted as Cas grabbed his jeans and helped them off his legs. “It can join all the other next times, like the row of condoms, the blindfold-ah!”
Cas seemed to have enough of Dean’s talking because he’s leaned forward and sucked Dean’s already hard dick through his boxer-briefs cutting off anything else he may have wanted to say. Dean curled his hands in the sheets and bucked up against that hot mouth. Yes. This is what he wanted. He wanted it quick and hot. He wanted Cas over him, touching him, feeling him, kissing him. They could go slower when they had more time. He pushed up against Cas’ mouth again but Cas put a firm hand on his belly and held him down. Going at his own pace, refusing to be rushed. He nosed at Dean’s dick and licked a long line up his shaft to the tip. He sucked at it for a minute, teasing the head with his tongue before he let it pop of his mouth.
“You’re beautiful Dean. So beautiful.” He leaned forward and kissed Dean’s belly button, just under his hand and slid both of his hands down to grab the waistband of his underwear. Dean’s hands shot down to cover his and help him push them down. Cas laughed and kissed his hip and then his thigh as he pulled them over his legs and then off. Cas kissed his thigh again, his hands sliding back up to his stomach and chest. Sliding up and down, his fingers occasionally brushing his nipples, but he kept his hands business like as they ran over his stomach, up his chest, over his shoulders and down to his hands then back up again. Cas was touching everywhere he could get his hands on. He was running his fingers over all of him, still taking his time, drawing it out. He pressed lazy kisses to Dean’s belly, his face inches from Dean’s dick, which was hard and leaking. And Cas seemed inclined to ignore it. Dean’s skin was tingling from all the attention. Every touch was intensified, his whole body sensitive. How did Cas manage to do this to him? Turn him into a quivering mess with the most innocent touches? He grabbed Cas’ hand and pulled it down to his dick and whimpered when Cas’ curled his fist around him.
“Sorry. Was I ignoring something?” Cas asked kissing Dean’s stomach again.
“Cas. It’s called a quickie for a reason.” Dean hissed as Cas leaned forward and licked the tip of his dick.
“My apologies.”
Dean nodded and brought his hand up to Cas’ head and curled his hand in his soft black hair and held on. “S’okay.”
Cas opened his mouth and slid down Dean agonizingly slow. Sucking his way back up and smacking his lips together when Dean popped free. He grabbed the base of Dean and held him up for his mouth again and slid all the way down and swallowed. He sucked his way back up and let go of Dean with one hand, slipping it up Dean’s stomach and up over his chest. He slid his thumb back and forth over Dean’s nipple a few times before he laid his palm flat against Dean’s chest. Dean knew Cas could feel his heart beat against his palm. Dean could feel it pounding under his skin. Dean’s fingers grabbed at Cas’ head tightly and his body arched without his say so. Cas really knew what the fuck he was doing. Deep throating alone would have been enough, but running his hands all over him, getting his extra sensitive first? Fuck. Give this man a medal. Cas slid back up, teasing the underside of Dean’s dick as he did and swallowed him down again.
“Cas. Fuck. Stop.” He pulled on Cas’ head to get him to sit up but Cas just stayed where he was and licked at Dean’s shaft, running his lips over it gently.
“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Cas asked and Dean growled. He sat up and kept his hold on Cas’ head with one hand and grabbed his arm with the other. He pulled him as hard as he could away from his dick. Cas smiled, licking his lips as he sat up. Dean slid his hand to the back of Cas’ head and pulled him in for a kiss.
Cas kissed him back, opening up and allowing Dean to lick every single inch of that sinful, beautiful mouth. He pulled Cas over top of him and once Cas was straddling him he growled when he realized Cas’ pants were still on. He unbuckled Cas jeans and tried to cup him, but the angle was to awkward and he ended up with his hand squished between Cas’ body and his jeans, his fingertips barely grazing Cas’ dick.
“Get your pants off Cas. Come on.”
“How do you want it Dean?” Cas asked leaning down and sucking gently at Dean’s neck. He bucked into Dean’s hold causing Dean’s hand to slid down a little further. His fingertips now circling Cas’ dick. Cas’ HARD dick. He groaned and tilted his head, pushing up against Cas’ mouth. Damn, he loved when Cas kissed him like that.
Cas unzipped his jeans and pushed them down his hips, allowing Dean to wrap his hand around Cas fully. Cas sucked at Dean harder making his groan. Damn, he shouldn’t be that damn sensitive to Cas’ mouth, but he was. Honestly, he could probably come with Cas touching and kissing his neck alone. Something else to try next time. He slid his hand down Cas’ dick and tilted his face to kiss Cas cheek.
“However you want me.” He whispered in his ear and arching his back when Cas sucked on his neck again.
“So gorgeous. So damn gorgeous.” He pulled back from Dean, pushing off the bed, slipping out of Dean’s hold and Dean saw him barely contain a shiver. He grinned and sat up, watching Cas look around the room until he saw Dean’s backpack. He grabbed it and dropped it onto the table, rummaging through it.
“Forgot your own bag?” Dean asked and Cas just shook his head absently as he pulled the lube and condoms out.
He turned back to Dean and dropped the stuff next to Dean’s hips as he cupped his cheeks again silencing his teasing with another kiss. He bit Dean’s lip gently then dropped his head and sucked a nipple into his mouth.
“Ah-Cas.” He squirmed under that talented mouth and grabbed the condoms next to him and ripped one off from the others and grabbed Cas’ dick in his hand and slid it down quickly.
“This is what you want Dean?” Cas asked lifting his head and kissing Dean again. Dean smiled into the kiss and nodded. Cas the ever considerate one. Always making sure Dean was comfortable. Yeah. Hell yeah this is what he wanted. He grabbed Cas’ shoulders and gripped tight. Cas smiled against Dean’s mouth and grabbed the lube next to him and popped the cap. He slicked his fingers and rubbed them against Dean, who squirmed, he was so close already, he didn’t think he could handle much more prepping. Thankfully Cas seemed done teasing him, he slipped his fingers around him and inside him just enough to get him slick. Then he poured some more on his dick and rubbed it around. Dean scooched back onto the bed to give them some room and Cas followed him, crawling onto the bed and over him. He grabbed Dean’s thighs and pushed them apart and slid right in. Dean hissed but pushed down against him. Damn that felt good.
Cas grabbed Dean’s hands that had curled into the bed and untangled them, instead twining their fingers together. He pushed Dean’s wrist into the bed next to his head and leaned down to capture his mouth again. Dean’s heart beat loud in his own ears. Cas was holding him down, but his grip was loose, like it was a suggestion more than a demand. Dean could pull away at any time. Which he did, but only to wrap his arms around Cas’ neck and pull him closer to the kiss. Cas was so damn considerate, to considerate.
Dean kissed him hard, pulling him tight. Trying to tell him without words just what he was feeling. Admiration? Respect? Adoration? All of the above. Cas brought his hand back to Dean’s chest and rubbed him gently as he started to pull out of Dean slowly, then pushed back in.
Cas pulled back from the kiss smiling and nuzzled his neck. “Dean.”
“Yeah. Yeah.” He pushed back against Cas. He started a steady rhythm of pushing into him hard and then slowly pulling out, before pushing back into him. His fingers curled on Dean’s chest and he cupped Dean’s face with his other hand, tilting his face up. He caught Dean’s eyes and then refused to look away as he increased his thrusts. Dean’s breath caught. Fuck. This was too much. Cas was filling him, touching him, staring at him, like he was looking into the very heart of him. He felt exposed, way too exposed. He closed his eyes and turned his face in Cas’ hand to kiss his palm. He wasn’t ready to deal with the kinds of things that stare was asking of him. Cas leaned down and kissed Dean’s neck again as he tilted his hips and snapped up, smacking right into Dean’s prostate.
“Cas!” He curled his fingers against Cas’ shoulders and held on as Cas did it again. He pushed into Dean again and again, listening to his noises to guide him. There was too much to focus on. His prostate getting pinged on every upstroke, his nipple gently rolled under Cas’ thumb, and Cas’ lips kissing and sucking at his neck. He pushed back against Cas just as Cas’ other hand, which had been cradling Dean’s face, suddenly stroked up Dean’s dick. He was done. His back arched off the bed and he was coming on Cas’ hand and stomach. He felt his ass muscles clench and then Cas grunted above him as he started coming too. The rode out the wave together, Dean’s heart still speeding away, which Cas knew because his hand was still laying on his chest. And Cas panting above him, barely holding himself up if the tremble in his hand was any indication. Cas took another deep breath and finally pulled out of Dean slowly. Dean closed his eyes and tried to calm his own breathing. He laid there for a minute before he felt the bed dip and Cas laid down next to him. Dean instinctively rolled onto his side so Cas could lay behind him. Cas’ arms came around him and he kissed Dean’s cheek gently.
“That was awesome.” Dean finally managed and Cas laughed.
“Awesome.”
Dean ended up just lying there enjoying the moment quietly trying not to fall asleep. Cas’ warm hands rubbing his chest while he pressed soft kisses to the back of his neck and shoulder were a temptation all on their own. But reluctantly he finally rolled in Cas’ arms and kissed Cas lazily.
“I have to go.” He started to shift back but Cas grabbed his face again and pulled him back in for another kiss. He kept his hands on either side of Dean’s face, something he seemed to be doing a lot today, and kissed him hard. He kissed him again, and then again, but slowly his kisses became gentle and started to trail off. Dean leaned in and kissed Cas one more time. “Now I really have to go.”
Dean got up and started grabbing his clothes and Cas did the same. They got dressed in companionable silence when Dean finally finished tying his boots and smiled at Cas, but Cas wasn’t smiling.
“What’s the matter?” He asked.
“I have to tell you something.”
Oh god. That was never good. “Okay.”
“I…Uh…” Cas said then ran his hands through his hair until it was standing up on end. He finally cleared his throat and looked Dean right in the eye. “I want to end this.”
Dean felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. What? End what? The sex? Their friendship? Where was this coming from all of a sudden? “Wha…what are you talking about Cas?”
“I can’t do this anymore Dean. I was number crunching the other day and I realized how much work I miss because I’m with you. How many clients I’ve been turning down to accommodate you. This game we play is getting in the way of my real life. My work. I just…I can’t do this. This isn’t real.”
Dean swallowed hard; he knew this was Cas’ job. He did. He just…well, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t forget sometimes. It was so easy to pretend with Cas that it was something else. Something more. Something that he wanted. It smacked him in the face then. He did want more with Cas. He pulled in an unsteady breath.
“Then let’s make it real.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Be my boyfriend for real Cas.”
Dean knew he sucked at relationships. That was why he’d wanted to call someone like Cas to begin with. But the more time he’d spent with Cas it had become more than that. Cas wasn’t just some warm body to make him feel better. Cas was someone he really cared about. Someone he looked forward to talking to. Someone he wanted to spend all his free time with. He wanted it all with Cas. And he’d known eventually he’d have to make a move, change the relationship they’d built, but he was scared. What if Cas didn’t want that too?
Cas shook his head and shut Dean’s suggestion down. “You just want things to stay the same. You don’t want to lose this bubble we made to hide from the world. It doesn’t work like that Dean. In here being in a relationship is easy. There are no expectations. No pressure. That doesn’t carry into a real one.”
Cas was right of course. What they had wasn’t a REAL relationship. They hadn’t had to worry about their friends or family interfering or going on real dates or making time for each other consistently. What they’d had was play time. But Dean WANTED to do all those things. He wanted Cas to meet his brother. He wanted to take him out somewhere and show him off. He wanted to bicker with Cas about not being able to make it back for a weekend and promising to make it up to him. He wanted all of that.
“Cas, I want to try a real relationship with you. I know it’ll be hard, I move around a lot but maybe-”
Cas shook his head again. “Dean you never wanted a relationship. You only want one now because you’re scared.”
Dean wanted to growl in frustration. Cas didn’t understand, he’d changed his mind. He wasn’t just scared. He wanted more with Cas.
“Dammit Cas listen to me!” He reached out to grab Cas but he moved out of the way, the move stung more than anything because he’d always been able to touch Cas. To hold him. But now Cas was pulling away from him.
“No. You listen to me. You told me in the beginning that you wanted this with a guy because there was no risk of feelings getting involved, that no one would have lost anything when it ended. Maybe we kept this up a little too long. That’s my fault, I enjoyed being with you, it was fun. You’re fun. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to get back to real life. I can’t keep staying in a fantasy. I’m ending it now.”
Dean honestly felt like Cas had slapped him. He was ending this because there weren’t feelings? It’s not like anyone would be hurt? That was it then. Cas didn’t care about him. Dean had been wrong. All the times they’d laughed and talked and Dean had started to care for him, Cas hadn’t felt that at all. Had he seen what Dean was feeling? Was he breaking it off because Dean broke the rules? Because he knew Dean wanted him? He’d fallen for his own con. He was the one who started this with a guy because he didn’t want someone falling for him. Joke was on him. He was the one who fell. And he’d hit the ground.
He stood, “Fine. You’re right. It’s not like we’re in love or anything. No feelings right? So why not end it now? Not like we’re losing anything.”
Cas’ face was blank when he agreed, “Exactly.”
Dean tried to control himself. Take a step. Then another. He grabbed his bag and headed for the door. But something made him pause. Even if it was all fake, Cas had still given him a safe place. A place he’d looked forward to. A place he felt cared for. It wasn’t Cas’ fault he’d become a clingy mess. He looked back at Cas and swallowed hard trying to get the right words out.
“Thanks. You know. For everything until now. It was fun.”
“It was.”
Dean nodded because what was left to say? He tapped the door frame before waving.
“Okay. Well. I’ll see yah.” Except he wouldn’t. Not after this.
Cas waved back, “Yeah.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
Dean made it to the car and threw his bag in the backseat before he felt the first tear roll down his cheek. He swatted it away and put the car in gear. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to be any more of a sissy than he already was. He drove half of the way back to the motel he shared with Sam when his feelings slammed into him full force and he had to pull over. He’d never see Cas again. Never see his smile, those blue eyes, hear his laugh or feel his touch. He’d never get to hold him or be held by him again. Never hear his voice again. He let out a hollow laugh. He’d never kiss Cas again. Cas had known that was the last one but he didn’t. Maybe that was why he’d let it go on so long, so Dean would have something to remember. Why he’d taken such gentle care with him. Because he knew it was the last time and he’d wanted Dean to enjoy himself one final time before he ended it for good. Because no matter what, Cas was considerate, always kind. Whether he meant to or not Dean would remember. He’d remember all of it with Cas. He rubbed his chest and felt his breath come short. He checked the road and when he was sure it was completely deserted, he laid his forehead against the steering wheel and let the tears fall.
BONUS – What was really going through Cas’ mind
“Then let’s make it real.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Be my boyfriend for real Cas.”
Castiel didn’t realize how much he’d wanted to hear those words until Dean spoke them. But Dean wasn’t gay, he’d said so a hundred times. So he may be willing to have sex in private, because nobody would know, but what this boiled down to was Dean was reaching. He was making offers because he didn’t want to lose Castiel and the comfortable thing they had together. No pressure, no feelings, all the fun. But Castiel broke the rules. He DID have feelings. He wanted to be with Dean all the time. Constantly thought about him. His laugh. His smile. His noble streak. His love for his brother and everyone besides himself. His selflessness, his eagerness to please, to learn. He wanted more with Dean. He wanted nothing more than to take Dean up on his offer and be his boyfriend for real. To know what it was really like to be loved by Dean Winchester. But that’s not what this was. Castiel wasn’t a regular guy Dean met on the street. He was a hooker. Dean was paying for him.
Well, thought he was paying for him. Castiel had set up a separate account that he put Dean’s money in after the first time they kissed. He knew even then that he was falling for him. He didn’t want to ask Dean to stop paying, because Dean had wanted this because it was a business transaction. Wanted the no strings part, so he could leave whenever he wanted. If he thought Castiel was getting clingy he’d have broken the ties right away. And Castiel wasn’t even ashamed to admit that would have broken his heart. So he kept the money, but had every intention of giving it back one day. He didn’t know how, or when, but he would. He wouldn’t accept money for doing things he wanted to do. Things that gave him more pleasure and happiness than anything else.
Castiel shook his head to dislodge his feelings. If he was going to do this, it was going to be now. “You just want things to stay the same. You don’t want to lose this bubble we made to hide from the world. It doesn’t work like that Dean. In here being in a relationship is easy. There are no expectations. No pressure. That doesn’t carry into a real one.”
“Cas, I want to try a real relationship with you. I know it’ll be hard, I move around a lot but maybe-”
Castiel shook his head sadly. “Dean you never wanted a relationship. You only want one now because you’re scared.”
“Dammit Cas listen to me!” He tried to grab Cas, but he moved out of the way. If Dean touched him, he’d give in. He’d do whatever he asked.
“No. You listen to me. You told me in the beginning that you wanted this with a guy because there was no risk of feelings getting involved, that no one would have lost anything when it ended. Maybe we kept this up a little too long. That’s my fault, I enjoyed being with you, it was fun. You’re fun. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to get back to real life. I can’t keep staying in a fantasy. I’m ending it now.”
Dean pulled back like Castiel slapped him and stood up. “Fine. You’re right. It’s not like we’re in love or anything. No feelings right? So why not end it now? Not like we’re losing anything.”
Castiel almost cringed at his harsh words but managed to keep his face blank. “Exactly.” He watched Dean snatch his bag off the table and didn’t say anything when he headed for the door. But Dean paused when he reached the thresh hold and turned back. He looked at Castiel and swallowed hard.
“Thanks. You know. For everything until now. It was fun.”
“It was.” Dean had no idea how much Castiel meant those words. But he nodded anyway and tapped the door frame before waving.
“Okay. Well. I’ll see yah.” Except, because of Castiel he wouldn’t. They wouldn’t see each other again. He wouldn’t see Dean’s beautiful green eyes ever again.
Castiel waved weakly, “Yeah.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
And just like that Dean was gone. Castiel knew he had to do it. To spare his own heart. But right now it felt like his heart was breaking anyway. He knew this was necessary, had planned it out beforehand. Except when he’d walked through the door he hadn’t planned to have sex with Dean again. He’d planned on just ending it, to spare himself falling any further. But when Dean had kissed him and pulled him back he’d been unable to refuse. He’d used it as an excuse to memorize every inch of Dean’s skin. If this was the last time, he’d enjoy it. Just one last time. He’d have this memory to keep him warm at night. He sat down on the bed that they’d shared so many times before. All the times they talked, played games, teased each other, been intimate, laughed, kissed, shared, all of it. All of the times he’d watched Dean sleep in his arms. He looked around the room and knew he would never see Dean in it again. He would never walk through the door to see him waiting. This was Castiel’s decision, his fault. Even though he knew that, it didn’t stop him from dropping his head into his hands and crying.