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Embarrassment goes a long way for Kurt when it comes to friends. He replays the conversation that he and Blaine have about sex in his mind probably once every other hour. He feels--ridiculous, and overwhelmed, and he really wishes that the topic had come up in a different way. He could've had that talk with any close friend but no, it had to have been Blaine. Gorgeous, confident, experienced Blaine, Blaine who is gay and there and likes him and--
God, some days he just wants to dig a very deep hole, crawl into it, and never come out again.
He never counted on this--issue coming up at Dalton so fast but he supposes that he should have seen it coming; he's surrounded by guys now all day and night. There's a constant loop of intimacy and closeness and though it is largely platonic he sees little gestures here and there that let him know that some of the guys are involved. He hears knowing chuckles in regards to couples covering for each other so that they can be together and avoid the room checks. He even walks in on a two boys making out in one of the study rooms once.
It takes hours for the flush of arousal pounding under his skin to go away. The funny part about being as fabulous as he is is that the reality of acting on his sexuality is something that he's never really thought about. Being physical with another guy in his mind is part of some hazy, faceless, undefined future in which he does a lot of things--designs a new, cutting edge fashion line, has his debut on Broadway, that sort of thing. All of it will happen, but the hows and whos and whys are complete blanks.
And now suddenly, thanks to Blaine, this specific thing isn't a blank. He walks around school with a constant flush at his cheek--not only because of his ridiculously obvious crush on Blaine, but because of everything that Blaine is bringing to his attention. His completely undeveloped sexuality begins to twitch and shift under this attention. The freedom to at the very least glance at other guys without fear of being slammed into a locker or called a faggot is intoxicating, and--
Blaine is always there, to be looked at, laughed with, and even sometimes lightly touched. Though Blaine is usually the one doing the touching--and it's never more than a pat on the knee or the shoulder or a brush of their bodies as they walk side by side. These little gestures are lovely and they keep Kurt's blood rushing but what really gets to him are the looks.
Blaine looks at him like he is the only thing in the room sometimes. Those huge, round, golden hazel eyes have the power to literally break something open wide inside of Kurt. Blaine has so much goodness and openness inside of him; it's contagious. Kurt has never been so continually turned on before, and the feeling is as emotional as it is sexual.
He's not sure that he'll ever feel sexy; but sexual is something else. Sexual is feeling constantly like his skin is buzzing, sexual is waking up to an erection caught between his hips and the bed, sexual is giving in to the urge to touch himself in the middle of the day between classes because he just can't stop thinking about the last time that Blaine had slung an arm thoughtlessly around his waist and walked two whole hallways that way before taking his arm away. Sexual is tugging his weekend outfits a little off the shoulder or a little tighter across his ass because he knows that Blaine looks sometimes, even if it's completely unconscious. He isn't hideous, and if Blaine sometimes lets a naturally wandering eye glance over him, he wants to look good when it does.
All in all, though, he feels clueless and stupid and sort of the way it felt to waddle around outside mid-winter in a snow suit; uncoordinated and limited and in the end you ended up falling on your ass.
*
"I'm going to need to cram all night for this French exam. I've been so bad this week about studying," Blaine says, twirling a pen in his right hand and tabbing through notes on his laptop with the other. He's sitting on Kurt's bed.
"I can help," Kurt says, hating the way that his voice breaks. "Um, I'm pretty caught up."
"Are you volunteering your overnight study buddy services?" Blaine asks, fluttering his eyelashes playfully.
"O-overnight?"
"Yeah, we do that all the time. The Warblers, I mean. We put together kickass study playlists and someone gets snacks and we'll just hit the books." He smirks. "It usually involves turning study notes into songs because--well. You understand."
"Oh, so, everyone will want to...?"
Blaine smiles. His eyes go soft. "Uh, I dunno, I thought it might be just the two of us this time? We'll work up to study groups. I wouldn't want to overwhelm you."
You already do that, Kurt thinks, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He knows that his eyes have gone wide and that he's blushing. Blaine is so good at brushing off his overreactions. "S-sure. I guess I'm the snack getter in this scenario?"
Blaine laughs. "Nah, I've got it covered."
He must somehow take care of the bed check, too, because no one comes by that night. Kurt's nerves almost hope that someone does--he's not sure how he's going to survive this with his dignity in tact.
Blaine had shown up with a tiny cooler full of food and diet soda, wearing a pair of tight jeans and a cardigan, his hair only loosely styled. He had stood there leaning against Kurt's door jamb and Kurt had just stared at his bright smile and even brighter eyes for much longer than necessary.
Once they get studying, it's easier; Blaine's study playlist is indeed excellent and they get through a lot in a very short amount of time. Blaine is the best friend he's ever had; talking to him is just so easy.
They start out with Blaine sitting at his desk and Kurt sitting on his bed, but slowly they migrate toward each other until they are lying on their stomachs side by side over one textbook and laptop. Their sides are touching and they keep brushing fingers over the book and Kurt is so warm that he almost can't breathe right.
Blaine just--feels so good right there next to him, warm and masculine and smelling like aftershave.
Around two in the morning, Kurt starts to fall asleep over his textbook. He wants to stay up, he really does; it's Friday night and Blaine is still alert and reading beside him, but he's exhausted.
Blaine nudges him. "Sleepy?"
Kurt blinks, feeling his eyelids dip slowly. "Um." He laughs. "Yeah, sorry. I'm kind of an early to bed sort of person. And I haven't even gone through my moisturizing routine."
"Okay," Blaine answers. "You go do that. I'll change and set up my sleeping bag."
He blames his almost-asleep state when he blurts out, "Sleeping bag? You don't have to sleep on the floor." He doesn't wait for a response; he stumbles into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and only realizes what he'd just said when the cold facial cream wakes up him a little.
Oh geez.
He hopes that Blaine doesn't think he's--making a move, or whatever.
For what that's worth; he walks back into his bedroom and the sight of Blaine curled up under the blankets of his bed causes a reaction to immediate that he has to duck back into the bathroom and wait for it to stop.
Of course, nothing happens. In fact, Blaine is already asleep by the time that Kurt joins him. They don't touch. They don't snuggle in the middle of the night. They aren't anywhere near each other when they wake up, and neither of them notice each other's morning erections.
Kurt is equal parts relief and disappointment.
*
Which each sleep-over that follows (sometimes related to studying, sometimes just because they want to watch a series of movies or choreograph dance moves to a particular song), though, they do become more and more comfortable with each other.
They don't bother starting out at opposite sides of the room. They don't react visibly if Blaine lies his head on Kurt's back or stomach as they share a book or a laptop. Touching each other casually becomes normal. Blaine stops bringing the sleeping bag. Sometimes they even talk before falling asleep, Kurt's fingertip tracing circles on the sheet between them, wishing that he could reach over and touch Blaine instead.
Especially now, when Blaine is sleepily singing the chorus of the song they'd just been listening to, all soft and close, his voice skipping across the pillow between them. He looks adorable like this, open and warm and almost unconscious, the gel washed from his hair which is drying up into curls and wisps around his head.
Kurt's body aches with the desire to reach out for him. It could be just a hug or the clasp of his hand; he just wants so badly for them to be physically connected some how.
The following morning, Kurt rushes through his routine. He'd left Blaine asleep in bed, but there's a new coffee place opening up today and they have plans to try it out. He's halfway to the bed and wondering where he'd left a particular scarf that he wants to wear when he notices that Blaine isn't awake--but he is moving and making noise in bed.
Kurt freezes, breath going still in his lungs.
Blaine is on his back. Kurt can see that his knees are spread wide under the blankets, and that he has one hand between his thighs. He's--touching himself. Asleep, but touching himself, face screwed up, un-gelled morning hair puffed around his head, little puffs of breath huffing in and out of his mouth.
Kurt slowly, slowly backs up into the bathroom. He doesn't close the door because he doesn't want to make any noise, so he can't help but listen when Blaine finishes, when his throat produces this broken whimper and then he--goes still and quiet. Kurt gives it another couple of minutes, then blunders loudly into the room.
Blaine springs up. "Bathroom free?"
"Yeah."
He hikes his boxers up and jogs into the bathroom, closing the door.
Kurt falls back onto the bed, closing his eyes tightly.
He really hopes that Blaine is fast, because now he has a problem of his own to deal with.
*
He guesses that it happens because they've been sleeping over at least once a week now. He has no idea whether he or Blaine are natural cuddlers; he knows that Blaine hasn't had a boyfriend and he's never really slept with anyone, so it's entirely up in the air.
He wakes up in the middle of the night and realizes that Blaine's pelvis is snug against his ass, and one of Blaine's arms has found its way around his waist. He freezes--the warmth of the bed and Blaine's body has brought the temperature way up, and the room is pitch black except for the glow of various appliances, an alarm clock, and the night light that Kurt has by the bathroom.
God. God, why now? Blaine feels--so good, it's almost criminal. He's warm and hard and--Kurt can't help but react. He wiggles back into Blaine's warmth, feeling a sleepy, positive response.
Blaine's breath puffs out. He murmurs Kurt's name and cuddles closer, sliding one knee up between Kurt's legs.
Oh. Oh, god. Oh god not now--
Blaine has no idea what he's doing, he tells himself. This is not fair. He cannot take advantage. Blaine would be mortified if he were awake. They are just friends. Just friends. Just friends.
He gets hard in his pajamas so quickly that the blood relocation makes him dizzy. Blaine's fingers are spread across his stomach. So close. So damned close.
Going back to sleep had been an option before he got hard; now it's just out of reach. He lies there, throbbing between his legs, cock swelling to full hardness in just a minute or two. He can't tell if Blaine is, too; he just knows that it's the most intimate thing he's ever experienced, and--has no idea what to do. He's kind of terrified.
"Kurt," Blaine whines in his sleep.
And Kurt just--can't. He shakes Blaine awake.
"Blaine. Blaine."
"Sorry, is it--sorry. Kurt? Oh." He shifts back a few inches, and Kurt exhales. "Sorry."
"It's okay, you were just--making noise so I thought--"
Blaine tenses up. "Um, yeah. I'm fine. Go back to sleep."
Kurt pretends to, but he's still awake when Blaine disappears into the bathroom for far longer than it would be necessary to pee and come back to bed.
*
He wakes up again, same time, same situation, only they are facing each other this time. He can feel Blaine's breath against his face, can feel the shape of Blaine's knees just an inch or so from his. He opens his eyes, jumping in his skin when he sees that Blaine's eyes are open. It's seriously freaky for a second, and his heart races.
"You scared me," he murmurs.
"Are you awake?" Blaine asks.
"Now I am, god, that was creepy."
Blaine stares at him. "You um. Do you remember earlier?"
Kurt blinks, shakes his head. "Earlier?"
"You, uh, you kind of--hugged me in my sleep? And--rubbed against me a little?"
Oh shit. And of course he doesn't remember.
"I--I did?" He panics. "I'm so sorry. Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore, I mean it's--I thought it would be fine, we're fine, but I can't--when I'm asleep I just, how can I know if I--"
"Kurt," Blaine whispers, touching his cheek. "Kurt, stop."
Kurt's heart begins to race. He can feel tears burn behind his eyes and he's not quite sure why. Something about Blaine's eyes right now--he just can't.
"You--drive me crazy," Blaine sighs into the darkness.
"Blaine?"
Blaine's hand is warm against his jaw. His thumb traces the rise of Kurt's round cheek. "Come here," he whispers, tugging just a little, and Kurt can't refuse.
Blaine kisses him. It's firm and sure and warm and completely the opposite of what Kurt had dreamed it might be. It's so much better than that. He tenses, and inhales loudly through his nose, and feels a lash of heat and sensation crack down his body.
They break for air, and Kurt's left hand which had flared open in surprise now closes into a fist around Blaine's back.
"Oh, god," he breathes into Blaine's mouth. His face is burning. He's getting hard. He--understands, suddenly, all the things that Blaine had tried to talk to him about weeks ago. The thing is, Blaine had said a lot of things. And Kurt has been told a lot of things, and read a lot of things, but he'd never found anything that brought it all together. He'd never related to any of it. But now it's there, right in front of him, the way that his skin heats up and his body reacts and his mind fills with images and urges, and the way his heart--
It's too late to even wonder. He's in love with Blaine. He's been in love with Blaine probably since the moment he met him. And that love can have lust in it, too, without being anything less. It's okay to let his body feel it, because--because it's Blaine. It's always been Blaine.
He surges forward and kisses Blaine again, sliding his arms around Blaine's waist. "Don't stop," he begs between kisses, and before he knows what's happening Blaine is on top of him, holding him and kissing him and making him feel like he fits inside of his skin for the first time in his life.
They kiss until they literally fall asleep, and the next morning they kiss until they have no choice but to go to class.
It's as if someone had taken a cloth to the glass that separates Kurt from the world, and suddenly everything is brighter and clearer.
*
"God you feel so good," Kurt gasps, tangling his fingers farther into Blaine's hair and writhing just a little harder against him. He's straddled over Blaine's lap and they're in Blaine's room and they've been making out for literally over an hour and Kurt is going to fall apart any moment and he loves it.
"Oh, my god, Kurt, are you sure you've never done this before because--" Blaine gasps, shaking, one hand at the small of Kurt's back. They're fully dressed but they might as well be naked for how close they both are.
"I'm sure," Kurt answers, sucking another mark into Blaine's throat and then kissing at it frantically.
"You couldn't even make a sexy face," Blaine says, astonished and breathy.
Kurt laughs. "You're my muse."
"I'm going to come in my pants," Blaine adds, just as blankly.
"Okay," Kurt replies, thrusting against Blaine, and Blaine cries out and keeps that promise.
What had seemed impossible, embarrassing, messy and dirty, is now as easy as reaching out for Blaine and just letting things happen. That's the part that Kurt had never counted on; that these things are just natural, that his urges can translate so easily into action, that everything that he does with Blaine just feels inevitable and right.
"You know, you're kind of--a sleep sexer," Blaine says one night.
"Oh god, does that make me a rapist?" Kurt drops his headphones.
Blaine's face twists up. "N-no, honey. No. I just mean--you're so uninhibited when you're asleep. Not that you're--you know, weird when you're awake, but even now when we're in bed and you wake me up for--" Blaine blushes, and inhales deeply. "For fun. You're so--sexy. Kurt, you do know how sexy you are, right? You're--so sensual."
Kurt fusses with his laptop. "Um. Thanks. You are, too, it's just--you're like that all the time. I'm only like that when I'm with you."
"Do you--do you mind if I--encourage you, when you're half-asleep?" Blaine bites his bottom lip, and Kurt wants to be sucking on it, like right now. "I don't want to take advantage, but I think it could be--"
"Um, sure. If I--feel weird later I'll let you know."
*
The first time Blaine takes him up on that, he wakes up from what he'd thought had been an awesome dream with Blaine's mouth sucking at his throat and Blaine's hand pumping his cock in his underwear. He floats to the surface on a haze of heat and dampness, and a moan crests at the back of his throat before he even realizes that his dream hadn't been a dream.
Blaine's lightly humping his hip, rubbing his own erection against Kurt's leg while he jerks him off with his right hand.
"Oh my god," Kurt groans, stretching out, letting his legs part.
Blaine is panting against his ear. "Come for me, come on, you're so close."
"Blaine," Kurt sobs--he is, and he has no idea how long Blaine's been jerking him off, and suddenly it's the hottest thing he's ever experienced. His mind catching up to his body is so fucking erotic, he can't even--
"Can I--can I swallow it?" Blaine groans, slowing down. "God, I want to taste your come."
"Oh shit, ohgod, y-yes."
Blaine bends over his body and sucks the head and a couple inches of Kurt's cock into his mouth and Kurt comes instantly, thrusting up and filling Blaine's mouth. Blaine swallowing around him feels off the charts amazing, and he just keeps coming.
"Oh my god, that was--how long was I asleep?"
"A while," Blaine says, grinning, licking come from the corner of his mouth. "Was it okay?"
"Are you kidding?"
*
The first time that they--go all the way, it's less than perfect. The problem is that they'd just spent too much time waiting and talking about it, and by the time that they're actually ready, and they have condoms and lubricant (long, embarrassing story), and they have time and privacy, it's--been built up so much that neither of them even really want to do it. Blowjobs and handjobs have been so much fun, and this is a whole different thing.
After, lying there, Kurt sighs, "Too soon?"
Blaine frowns. They are very sticky and Kurt is very sore. Being close had been lovely, but beyond that it had just been an uncomfortable mess. Blaine had come probably two minutes into it, which hadn't helped.
"Um," Blaine sighs. "I think we just--I think maybe we should wait to try again, you know, for a time when it fits in better with what we're already doing--" He pauses. "Okay, that's a terrible choice of words right now."
Kurt blushes and tugs the blanket higher around him. "Uh. Yeah. Maybe it's just--a thing we're not very good at?"
"No, no, I think it's something you have to kind of be in the mood for and we--we planned this out way too well."
"The flash cards were a bit much," Kurt says, sighing again.
"Er. Yeah."
"Hey. Hey, look, don't feel badly, okay? We've got all the time in the world to figure it out." Kurt kisses Blaine and tries to make him smile.
They rotate around each other awkwardly for about a week, and finally Kurt loses patience and drags Blaine into an abandoned classroom and sticks his hand down Blaine's pants.
"Okay, I'm over it," he says, biting Blaine's earlobe. "Can we go back to this please?" They can perfect anal sex later; he just misses Blaine, and the past week has been so weird.
"God, yes," Blaine agrees, and pushes Kurt across a desk.
*
One evening Kurt wakes up to Blaine's mouth around his cock. He comes out of almost complete sleep to fully awake so fast that his heart thuds almost painfully against his throat, and he has one hand down on Blaine's hair in seconds. It's dark enough to still be the middle of the night, and all Kurt can do is breathe out and settle into it.
"Blaine," he whimpers, and Blaine's thumb is stroking just underneath his balls, and it feels so good. "Oh, god." He feels--wet. "Did you already--"
"Yes," Blaine gasps, sucking one of Kurt's balls into his mouth and then dropping it. "Is that okay?"
Kurt, still half asleep, doesn't have a problem with that, and he whines softly when the pad of Blaine's thumb presses against his entrance, circling in tight little circles. "Oh that feels nice," he breathes.
Blaine bobs up and down the shaft of Kurt's cock wetly, and at the same time slowly pushes his thumb inside Kurt's body. It's nothing like the first time they'd tried, jerky and slowly and a little cold and weird.
"Fuck, you're so tight, so hot, Kurt," Blaine moans.
Kurt bends his knees and brings his feet flat on the bed, arching his hips up. "Oh god, right there. Right there, right there, oh my god what are you doing--"
"Not a clue," Blaine admits, licking and sucking alternately. "Can we...?"
"Um," Kurt breathes, mind whirling. One of the things he'd hated about the first time was the position; lying flat on his back just hadn't cut it. "Can I kneel?"
Blaine groans. "Shit. You can't just say stuff like that, oh my god."
"Here," Kurt says. He kneels facing the headboard, putting his back to Blaine; he braces his hands over the top of the headboard, bending so that his ass is out and his back in.
"Fuck," Blaine hisses, coming up behind him on his knees and kisses the back of his neck. It's sweaty. "Condoms, hold on."
Kurt blurts, "Don't. I--didn't like it. I didn't like the condoms."
"A-are you sure?"
"We're both virgins. We're--boyfriends. It's okay, isn't it?" Blaine's cock is hard and resting on the up curve of Kurt's ass; he's panting, shaking, pressing close.
"God, okay," Blaine breathes, sliding his hands around Kurt's waist. He smears pre-come all over Kurt's skin as he humps up against him.
"Finger me again?" he asks, voice breaking. He's staring at Blaine over his shoulder, knowing how flushed and silly he must look. Blaine kisses him, breathing out harshly.
It feels--so much better than before, like Blaine has figured out what to do or Kurt's body is just more receptive. Blaine's fingers gently fuck into him, down and in and--so fucking good, right there, Kurt spreads his knees and thrusts back into it.
But he gets impatient, and groans into the bend of his own elbow, "Okay, okay--god, please, I'm ready." Blaine has been rubbing the shaft of his cock up and down Kurt's ass the whole time and he can't stand it anymore--he needs more. Blaine whines, kissing him, wet and dirty. He locks eyes with Blaine, hissing, "Come on, fuck me. Put it in me."
Blaine shudders. "God, Kurt--" He shifts back and then returns, pressing himself to where Kurt is open and slick. "Oh my god, Kurt, you're--"
It's easier because he can bear down so nicely in this position; he pushes back just as hard as Blaine pushes in, and his cock is thick but it doesn't hurt at all this time. Fully seated inside, he pulls back out, and then thrusts back in, hard.
"Oh god," Kurt moans. "Oh god that feels--"
"Better? Okay?" Blaine gasps.
"So much better, oh my god, don't stop."
It feels better when Blaine goes faster, though Kurt isn't sure why. They stop talking for a while after that, and Kurt--Kurt loves how it feels, all spread on his knees with Blaine warm and hard and slamming into him from behind. He feels--dirty and wicked and hot all over, and Blaine's cock is perfect, and he loves the way he can feel the fullness of it deep in his belly at the end of every thrust.
After about ten minutes of this, Blaine slides a damp hand around his waist, down his pelvis, and takes Kurt's cock in hand.
"Blaine," he sobs. "Oh god."
"Can you come while I'm inside of you like this?"
"Oh my god in like two seconds if you don't stop," Kurt gasps, all in one breath.
"I'll keep--I'll keep doing it, I just want to feel you come around me. Want to feel you fall apart, Kurt."
Kurt keens, and Blaine takes that as a yes, and begins jerking him off, fast and rough. Kurt listens to the wet squelch and that's all it takes; he pushes back onto Blaine's cock and comes with a shout, splattering the headboard and Blaine's fist alike.
"Jesus," Blaine hisses. "Oh fuck that felt--"
"Keep fucking me," Kurt gasps. "Keep--keep--" And he comes again, dribbling weakly, spasming everywhere. "Oh my god--" He comes like that twice more--having no idea how--before Blaine stops dead.
"Can't," he breathes, shaking, sweat-smeared hips grinding into Kurt's ass cheeks. "Can't oh god, Kurt, I'm--let me pull out--"
"No," Kurt growls, fucking back onto Blaine's cock. "No, come in me. Come in my ass."
"Ohfuck--Kurt--fuck--" He tenses and slams forward hard just once, spilling and spilling and spilling. Kurt can't feel it, but he does clamp down hard around Blaine's cock and ride it for all he's worth. "FuckfuckKurt."
They collapse on the few feet of bed that aren't covered in wet spots, panting.
"Broken," Blaine moans.
"Did you read a manual or something?" Kurt asks.
"Um. Would you laugh at me if I said yes?"
"Oh my god you did."
"I just didn't want to--disappoint you again."
"Blaine, you never disappointed me. I just think we weren't ready, is all." Kurt strokes a hand across Blaine's chest, curling up next to him. "The--the sleep sex thing helped."
"I'm glad," Blaine says, sighing happily. "I--think we'll be good now, I mean, better, you know?"
If it gets any better, Kurt may not make it to adulthood. But that's a conversation for another time.