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The door shut softly behind him as he followed her into the apartment, the sharp air between them putting their anger on full display. The quiet dinner they had planned, came to a full stop with that one sentence.
“The truth is you don't, you don't hurt me”
The internal guilt and shame bursting out of every pore of her body, led Ziva to leave the table and walk away. Tony shoved more than enough money to pay the tab and quickly followed.
“Ziva, what is happening? I don’t understand what just happened in there!”
Still walking and not looking back, Ziva managed to get out
“Let’s just go home, Tony”
“No!” He said, catching up and pulling her around to face him “Tell me what happened, I can't fix it if you don't tell me what I did wrong!”
“What you did wrong?? Tony, it is not what you have done, it is only what I have done and continue to do! How can you stand there and tell me I have not hurt you, when everytime I see you with Tali, I think of all I have done wrong for the two of you! How can you say that I have not hurt you and that I cannot hurt you when I kept our daughter from you! When I let you pretend that I was dead, When I left you to raise our daughter alone for 4 years. Can't you see Tony that no matter what I do, the hurt I have caused does still affect us!”
Tony grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her close. “You had to go on the run, you had to go on the run to protect your family.”
Ziva pulled away exasperated “Tony just yell at me, get mad at me! Tell me I was wrong to keep Tali from you, tell me I should have relied on you instead of hiding myself away. Why can't you just be angry with me?!”
Tony stared at her, the wheels turning in his head, a decision being made. “Fine Ziva” he said with certainty.
“You want the truth, Ziva? I am angry, I am angry at how selfish you were, how selfish it was of you to keep our daughter from me. All of those firsts that I missed because of your selfishness and bad decisions. Not only did you make me leave you in Israel, you made me leave behind my daughter, whether you knew then or not, when I left Israel, I left two people behind. I left my 2 people behind. I left my family behind. How could you even think that was the right thing to do? What in the absolute fuck were you thinking?” his voice raising, disregarding their very public, out in the open presence. “Why the hell didn't you come to me? When you thought you were in trouble, why didn't you come to me! We could have protected Tali together, we could have spent the last 4 years figuring everything out together instead of having to go on with my life like nothing happened, like the love of my life wasn't running for her life while i'm attending Gala events and putting on a smile for a whole company” He was screaming at this point, tears running down his face. He paused while looking into her eyes and in a whisper asked. “How could you have done this to me?”
She saw the heart break and pain in his eyes “I am sorry, Tony. I am so very very sorry.”
“I can’t even look at you right now, how did you expect to get all of this out of me and we just continue like normal?? Like nothing even happened? Like the dam that I've been building for years so we could have a happy reunion didn't just burst open? I need space Ziva, I need time to myself to think”
Ziva nodded and hesitantly turned and headed towards the apartment. They walked in silence, The tension thick and heavy between them. He followed behind her as they walked up the steps and let themselves into the apartment. The dark apartment is a reflection of their feelings.
Tony broke the silence “I am going to grab a shower and sleep on the couch tonight.”
Ziva nodded in return, untrusting of her voice to not betray her. She left for the bedroom, sure of what her next decision was to be.
While Tony showered and got the couch ready, Ziva stayed up and ripped a page out of her notebook and started writing, pushing her feelings down as much as possible to not break before she gave Tony the out he needed from her.
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My dearest Tony,
I hope you know how incredibly sorry I am. I never intended to hurt you in all of this, it was not my intention. Yet I still did. I take responsibility for that. We have been tip-toeing around the truth, we are not ready to be together. It will hurt us, but more importantly, we will hurt Tali. I cannot do that to our little girl. She would be better with 2 parents who wonderfully coparent than with 2 parents that force themselves to be a happy family. It will strain us. I love you Tony, I always have and I always will. But what you and I need right now, is space. You need space. I need space. I need to find myself and my place in the world without danger around every corner. I love you and I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I will give you time to think and every day, for the rest of my life, I will do what I can to make it up to you and to Tali.
Ziva
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She put the pen down and sighed, It wasn't much but it would have to be enough for now. She gathered some of her things, listened out for the signs of the shower that Tony was still reveling in and with one deep breath, quietly slipped out of the apartment she had never fully considered hers.