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It’s one of the rare evenings when the crew is complete. Since Luffy became pirate king, surprisingly little has changed, apart from the Thousand Sunny becoming more of a part-time residence for the crew. Most of them split their time between the ship and their respective homes on land. The ship circles the four seas, picking up and dropping each member where they please - but none of the Straw Hats can resist the call of the Grand Line for long.
Earlier they had picked up Usopp from Syrup Village, after a fairly long stint of living with Kaya in her mansion. She had been invited to join, but declined, not wanting to leave her patients as a newly qualified doctor. The crew had been glad to be complete for the first time in months, and it felt like even Sunny was pleased, gliding smoothly over the waves. They had stopped at a small island, both to stock up and to begin with the inevitable reunion party.
They’re parked in a surprisingly busy bar, a couple hours deep into the night. Sanji is surprised to see that Nami seems to be feeling the effects of booze for once - it’s rare to see her even tipsy, but she must be joining in the celebrations in her own way.
Nami leans back on the leather seats of the booth they’re sitting in. Her cheeks are clearly flush with the booze and her eyes are glassy but sharp as they stare speculatively at Zoro. The Mosshead is foolishly playing a game of darts with Usopp, and cursing every time Usopp manages to knock Zoro’s darts off the board with surgical precision.
Sanji takes another sip of his beer and glances at her. He wonders what could be so interesting about their game that Nami has been fixated on Zoro for the last five minutes. It’s just the two of them left sitting, the rest of the crew having wandered off on various hijinks.
“Are you feeling alright, dearest?” He eventually asks. Moving with the kind of sloppy speed that she only has when she’s really buzzed, Nami whips her head around to stare at him with a strange intensity. He squirms slightly, reveling in the gaze of his angel, but confused as to what could be provoking such focus.
Nami sways gently. She appears to be working herself up to say something and Sanji braces himself. He prays she isn’t going to vomit.
Finally, her mouth opens. “Does Zoro wear his bandana when you two are fucking?”
Sanji blanches. “Wha- what? Nami!” He squawks.
He throws a panicked glance at Zoro, and sure enough the ever-present bandana is still tied around his arm as he lines up the next dart.
Nami, seemingly now committed to her questioning, blazes ahead. “I was just wondering.” She shrugs. “I mean, he always wears it when he’s reallyyy focused, right? And you guys are kind of loud, so I assume it’s pretty intense.”
Sanji feels his blood run cold. He buries his head into his hands, hoping that this is all a dream.
“How did you hear us?” His voice, muffled and plaintive, finally leaks out from between his fingers. “I thought we were…”
“Oh you’re pretty subtle.” Nami pats his shoulder in comfort. “Definitely less obvious than Robin at least. I just walked into the kitchen at the wrong time. Heard you in the pantry.”
“Oh my god.” Sanji wails. It’s true that the pantry has been a… pretty frequent spot for him and his boyfriend. But he had been so sure they had never been caught, usually pretty good at predicting when the crew would be out of the galley.
“It’s okay, Sanji!” She says cheerfully. “I see Robin’s hand grabbing Franky’s ass pretty much everyday, so I’m kind of used to it now.”
Sanji moans pitifully and drags his hands down his face.
“Returning to the question-” She continues. Drunk Nami is a very focused Nami. “I just thought if you guys were being so loud, Zoro’s probably putting a lot of effort in, right? But then, he would probably only wear the bandana if he’s topping, and I don’t know which one of you tops. Is it Zoro?”
Sanji stares at her blankly. She’s speaking quickly, but looks completely serious. Nami has never been a prude, but he’s never heard her speak so casually (or at all really) about the finer details of sex.
Noticing his confusion, and generally utter embarrassment, Nami leans over to pat his cheek. “Oh, don’t be embarrassed, Sanji-kun. It’s just a bit of girl talk, no?”
“I didn’t know I was included in girl talk.” He manages.
“Awww, come on.” She pouts. “There’s no one to talk about this stuff apart from Robin, and she gets way too graphic. Luffy is an asexual reincarnation of the God of the Sun, Chopper’s a teenage reindeer, Brook’s a perv, Usopp is a prude, Jinbe is like my grandpa, and Franky and Zoro are… stinky boys.” She screws up her nose. “So they're all out of the running. Is it too much to ask for some juicy gossip?”
Sanji takes a minute to answer, stunned silent by the (accurately) bizarre assessment of their crew.
He picks at the label of his beer bottle while Nami bats her eyes at him expectantly. While it does feel strange to talk about his sex life with Nami - sweet angel incarnate - he feels an odd urge to share. She’s right, there’s really no one in the crew to talk about this stuff with.
“Well…” He ventures. She stares at him encouragingly, wide eyes shining.
He swigs his beer. Fuck it.
“He, uh,” He falters. “He does top. Sometimes. And, uh, the other times, it’s me. Obviously.”
She nods sagely. “Ah. So you switch? That makes sense for you two.”
Sanji swallows nervously and glances over at his boyfriend, who is ordering yet another bottle of sake at the bar. He doesn’t think Zoro would particularly care about him sharing the details of their sex life - shame is not in Zoro’s vocabulary - but it does feel vaguely scandalous to be talking about it with Zoro, and the rest of the crew, are wandering around the bar.
“So?” Nami prompts. “The bandana.”
Sanji feels his cheeks heat up for the first time. “He doesn’t put it on for sex specifically. That would be stupid. But… he has been already wearing it, when we um, start.”
“Ooo.” Nami leans forward in interest. “Like after a battle? That’s kind of hot.”
Sanji whips his head around in surprise and she holds up a hand in defense. “Not that Zoro is hot. Ew. But the concept in general.”
He relaxes slightly. “Yeah.” He says slowly. “It- kind of is. We. We do that kind of often. After fights I mean.”
Heat flares slightly in his stomach as he recalls the (several) times they’ve had sex after battles. Zoro, blood splattered and sweating, eyes intense under the dark shadow of his bandana… kicking away limp bodies as he strides to Sanji, where he grabs him by the arms and shoves their gasping mouths together. Sanji still charred from his flames, veins humming with adrenaline and wanting nothing more than to absolutely tear Zoro apart.
He zones back into the bar and looks at Nami’s wide eyes.
Her eyebrows raise. “Oh, actually that also makes a lot of sense for you guys.”
Sanji groans, feeling the embarrassment hit him fully. There’s somewhat of a thrill with sharing these details, but also the crushing weight of being perceived.
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that!” She insists. “It’s borderline normal compared to the stuff Robin tells me! You do not want to know what she does to Franky with all those hands.”
Sanji shudders and purposefully does not ask any follow up questions. She’s right. He really doesn’t want to know.
“Is the girl talk over yet?” He asks tiredly.
“Wait, I have more questions.” She taps her chin. “Oh, I’ve always wondered if you guys are as mean to each other when you’re alone as you are in public.”
He shrugs. Actually that’s a fair question, he would probably wonder as well. Even he doesn’t always understand their dynamic, but he’s learned not to question it and just let it work.
“No, not always. He can be really sweet, surprisingly enough. Sometimes we’re actually pretty close to normal.”
She squints at him. “‘Not always’?”
He swallows. “Um. Well, a lot of the time we’re exactly the same as we are in public, to be honest.”
She seems fascinated. “What, like you’re mean to each other in bed?”
“I guess.” He says, mostly to the table instead of Nami’s face. What he means is definitely. They are definitely mean to each other in bed. In several ways.
“Like how?” She pushes, eyes gleaming.
He groans and holds up a hand. “I would do anything for you Nami, but I need to be far more drunk to go into that much detail.”
She slumps back into the booth seat easily. “Fair enough.”
They’re both quiet for a moment, and Sanji thinks the line of questioning is finally over.
“So you do it in the pantry, right? Where’s the freakiest place you’ve had sex?”
Sanji blows out a puff of air. He’s genuinely not even sure how to calculate the relative strangeness of the places they’ve had sex. “Huh. I don’t even know where to start with that… Oh.”
He starts guiltily as a memory hits him. Nami perks up. “You thought of something!” She says excitedly. “Where was it?”
“Ummm.” He looks away. He really shouldn’t. It’s not a good look for either of them.
“Tell me!” She demands.
He relents, unable to deny Nami anything. “Uh- do you remember in Wano-”
“Where in Wano?” She demands. “The soba stand?”
“No. Well, actually also yes. But that wasn’t what I was going to say.” He feels his face colouring. “The castle…”
“No!” She shrieks, bouncing in her seats with bright eyes. “No way! You’re nuts! During the Kaido fight?”
Sanji hides his face in his hands once again. “Remember when Zoro was injured, and I had to go bandage him up?”
Nami laughs incredulously. “How? He couldn’t move?”
Oh god. Sanji blushes harder. “He, um, yeah, he didn’t move much.”
Nami shrieks again, and he shushes her hurriedly as Zoro looks over at them quizzically. “Shhh! I’m not proud of it, okay? It was a stupid time to do it but- we hadn’t been alone in so long-”
Nami giggles. “I can’t even be mad about it. I’m impressed. Definitely ballsy.”
She starts laughing harder. “Oh my god, what if you had gotten caught? Imagine if Kaido had found you! What would you say? ‘Sorry, Mr. Kaido, can you just give us a minute to finish up here?’” She falls to the side, winded by her own laughter.
Sanji can’t help grinning sheepishly. Honestly, it had been a stupid risk during an important battle and he’d felt guilty about it for years. It's kind of nice to see one of the crew could laugh it off.
“Zoro says it helped us win.” He says. “But I always felt bad about it.”
Her laughter finally fades and she straightens up again. “Nah, don’t feel bad.” She says off-handedly. “Me and Vivi fucked on her throne once.”
He gasps. “What?”
She shrugs. “I wanted to try it once. Perks of dating a princess. It was just kind of awkward though, schematically.”
Trying to hide how scandalised he feels, Sanji takes another drink of his beer. “I’m not surprised. Not a lot of maneuvering room.”
A giggle escapes from Nami. “Well. I’d rather get caught by some palace servant than Kaidou of the Beasts, one of the Four Emperors of the New World.” She descends into another fit of laughter, slapping a hand against the table.
Sanji groans. He hopes desperately that his face isn’t as red as it feels. “You won’t tell anyone about this, will you?”
She pinches her chin and looks up thoughtfully. “Hmm… Well, I’ll definitely tell Vivi. She is my partner, and I technically have to tell her everything so that’s a given. And I’ll probably tell Robin. Girl talk, ya know. And she might tell Franky. And we both know he can never keep his mouth shut. But no-one else, apart from that, of course.”
“Of course.” He says weakly.
She smiles sweetly. “You don’t mind, right Sanji?”
She bats her eyelashes and Sanji sighs. “Of course I don’t mind anything you do, Nami dearest.”
“Oh good.” She beams. She picks up her glass of neat rum, apparently happy to return to her drink now that “girl talk” is over.
“It’s fun to talk about this stuff though, isn’t it?” She chatters, swirling the ice cubes in her drink. “Love talk? I never had anyone to talk about it with before me and Robin shared a room.”
He hesitates. “Okay, fine.” He admits shyly. “It’s… a little bit fun.”
She grins and claps her hands. “Right? It’s so juicy!”
He leans back. “I guess it’s just nice sharing about, uh, “love talk” with someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone about this stuff. And I don’t think I ever expected it to be you of all people, Nami dear.”
“How come?” She takes another swig of her rum.
“Oh.” Sanji blinks. He avoids her eyes, suddenly unsure of his own reasoning. “I guess… I never thought I should talk to you about things that are so- so crude.”
“Because a lady’s ears shouldn’t hear such vulgar crass, right?” She says dryly. “We are all pirates, Sanji, I’m hardly some ideal of purity and innocence.”
“I know that!” He protests. “I just, I don’t know…”
He trails off. He doesn’t know how to explain himself. Truth be told, he knows Nami isn’t some innocent flower. He’s seen her fighting, seen her swearing, lying, stealing. He knows she shares a bed with Vivi every time they visit Alabasta. He’s never given it a second thought, just accepted it as it comes. But something deep within him still feels the need to censor himself around her and Robin, to hide anything that could possibly be interpreted as “un-ladylike”.
He frowns at the thought.
She’s staring at him expectantly, an eyebrow raised.
He picks some more at his beer bottle. “I suppose I thought I shouldn’t talk about those sorts of things with you. But, I- I guess that’s unfair, isn’t it.”
They both drink again, silently. They watch Usopp make another bullseye while Zoro scowls.
She breaks the silence suddenly. “Sanji. I know I’m your ‘Nami-swan’ and you like taking care of me and pretending that I’m some princess you have to follow around… But you know we’re like friends, right? We can drink beer and talk about this kind of stuff.”
Sanji looks down and smiles softly. “You’re as kind as usual, Nami dear. And yeah. I know.”
Nami smiles back. “Well. Good.”
Reverting to more familiar ground, she suddenly says bossily, “That doesn’t mean you should stop making my special pancakes in the morning. We can shoot the shit, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need princess treatment.”
Sanji beams. “Of course, Nami-swaaaaan. I would never hold back for you or Robin dearest.” He claps his hands under his chin and feels the familiar heart eyes popping up. “Would you like waffles with your pancakes tomorrow? And fruit? I can cut an apple into a swan! Not that it would ever compare to your beauty, my angel!”
Nami rolls her eyes, but she smiles.
His heart eyes are quickly crushed as a warm heavy weight falls onto his shoulders. “Oi.” Zoro’s gruff voice filters into his ears from where he’s flopped onto Sanji’s back. “Cut the bullshit, cook. Need you to help me beat Usopp at darts.”
Sanji scowls and swats at Zoro’s arms as they settle onto his chest. “Nami’s breakfast wishes are not bullshit! And no! You’re the stupid one who decided to challenge the Pirate King’s sharpshooter at darts.”
Usopp lets out a long and triumphant laugh from somewhere behind them. Zoro huffs and curls further around Sanji. “No one cares about swans made from vegetables, dipshit. Come help me.”
“What?” Sanji wiggles out of his arms and turns to glare at him furiously. “I said an apple! An apple is not a vegetable, you absolute brute! You know that, right?”
Zoro stares back deadpan. He shrugs. “Whatever. Same difference.”
Sanji’s mouth drops. He stands from his seat and starts to wave his arms wildly. “Same diff- No, it is not the same difference! I can’t believe this Marimo, did they not teach you the difference between fruit and vegetables in whatever cabbage-brained place you came from?”
Zoro shoves forwards to get into Sanji’s face and opens his mouth to deliver some idiotic comeback, but they’re interrupted by Nami bursting into giggles. They both turn to look at her as she flops to the side and wipes away a stray tear.
“Oh Sani,” She says fondly. “I can’t believe I ever thought you were really in love with me. The way you act when you’re in love is far too different from how you treat me.”
Sanji splutters, feeling a blush rise once again. “No.” He protests. “It’s not like that-”
He’s suddenly pulled back into Zoro’s chest as the man grabs his waist and wraps his arms around his stomach. “That’s right.” Zoro declares proudly. “Cook loves me so much it makes him stupid. Stupider than he was before, that is.”
Sanji growls and starts to thrash in Zoro’s inescapable grip. “Shut up, Mosshead! You’re so dead!”
Zoro squeezes harder and hooks his chin over Sanji’s shoulder. “See, he can’t deny it. He loves being a dick to me. Gets him really riled up-”
He’s cut off by Sanji’s foot launching into his chest, and subsequently being catapulted across the bar. Rising quickly, he bares his teeth in a feral grin and throws himself back at Sanji, knocking him onto the ground. They start grappling on the bar floor while Nami sighs and throws back the rest of her drink. Zoro somehow breaks a table in half, and then one of Sanji’s kicks busts a hole in the wooden floor. The other customers quickly start to scream.
Amidst the chaos, Usopp frowns and starts to gather up his darts. “Why does your foreplay always get us kicked out of places?” He says tiredly.
Nami brightens. “Oh, let me tell you-”
“Nami!” Sanji yells, a little tensely, from where he’s got a struggling Zoro pinned against the wall. “Please!”
She sighs. “Oh, you’re no fun at all.”
Luffy materializes from thin air, laughing uproariously. “Zoro and Sanji are fighting again!” He crows, swiping Sanji’s leftover beer. “Silly! They can’t beat each other!”
“Wrong!” Zoro and Sanji yell in unison from where they’re wrestling on the ground.
“Wings of the pirate king my ass.” Usopp mutters.
The bartender emerges from the stream of customers running from the bar. “I don’t care if you’re all the prince of piracy or whatever nonsense this is!” He roars. “If you break my shit, you pay for it, and then you leave!”
“Aw, I can fix the place up super for you!” Franky swaggers over to the group, unbothered by ruckus. “You can’t kick us out before I finish my cola!”
The bartender’s eyes bug out of his skull as he registers Franky’s speedos, today in a garish shade of neon pink.
“Put on some clothes, for god’s sake! I can tolerate the talking skeleton, but I cannot allow public indecency in my bar.” He says through gritted teeth.
Usopp jerks a thumb towards Zoro and Sanji. “Yeah, you’ll definitely want to get them out of here within the next ten minutes then.”
Sanji doesn’t dignify this with a response. He is occupied trying to strangle Zoro, and also slightly distracted by the lecherous grin that Zoro is giving him. If he cops a feel of his chest while they’re wrestling, well, who could blame him.
The bartender’s face starts to turn purple as he splutters.
Luffy, because he’s Luffy, is not at all offended by the random civilian threatening the Pirate King and his crew.
“Sorry, mister!” He pats the bartender on the back, which seems to only enrage the man more. “We’ll go home.”
“Straw Hats!” He bellows cheerfully. “Back to the ship! Sanji,” He adds, “Is there any meat on the ship?”
Sanji has Zoro in a triangle choke, and Zoro is pretending not to love it. “Fine!” He snaps in Luffy’s direction. “But we need to buy more tomorrow!”
Nami immediately cuts in. “With whose budget?” She demands. “We already bought food on this island. No more spending my gold!”
Luffy whines. “Nami!” He cries. “I want meaaaaat!”
“Crazy how you can become the King of the Pirates and you still don’t have enough money to budget in extra meat.” Usopp says sarcastically. Nami glares and smacks him on the back of the head.
“Don’t give him ideas!” She snaps. “That’s my gold that he’s going to waste.”
“How is it your gold?” Usopp complains, rubbing the back of his head. “Didn’t we all earn it?”
“Shut up, long nose!” She hisses.
“Get! Out! Now!” The bartender bellows, waving madly towards the door. The bar is now completely emptied of customers.
“And you two!” He points at Sanji and Zoro, who are now blatantly making out on the dirty floor. “Stop that! Are you people all animals?”
“Only Chopper is an animal.” Luffy tells him seriously. “But he’s a reindeer, not a raccoon.”
The man closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Please.” He says weakly. “Please just leave.”
XXXXX
They all stumble out of the bar, Nami still slightly drunk and hanging onto Usopp’s shoulder. Sanji and Zoro’s clothes are ripped, and they’re holding hands.
They find Robin, Jinbe, Brook and Chopper right outside, sitting on the singular outdoor table. Chopper has passed out on Robin’s lap, while the others are somehow sharing a pot of hot tea with a full set of china teacups.
“Ah, hello.” Robin says pleasantly when she spots them. “Hometime?”
“Sure is, babe!” Franky whoops. “Got kicked out again!”
“Naturally.” Jinbe chimes in. “Who was it this time?”
“Wasn’t me!” Luffy says proudly. “It was Nami! She was asking Sanji about sex! So he started fighting Zoro!”
“Hm.” Jinbe raises one of his thick eyebrows. “Even I’m not sure that I’m following that one.”
Nami starts giggling. Luffy laughs with her. “Silly Jinbe! Sanji was embarrassed, because in Onigashima-”
“Luffy!” Sanji says desperately. “There’s meat on the ship! Lots of meat! I’ll make it for you!”
Luffy whoops and jumps onto Jinbe’s back. “Come on, Jinbe! Let’s go! I’ll tell you on the way!”
Jinbe chuckles and stands, carrying his captain down the road towards the docks. Sanji hangs his head and sighs. So much for that plan.
The rest of the crew start to trail after Jinbe. Nami squeezes Sanji’s arm as she and Usopp pass them. “Love you, Sanji.” She croons. “You’re one of the girls now.”
“What are you talking about?” Usopp huffs under her weight as she flops over his shoulders.
“Oh, I’ll tell you all about it on the walk home.” She says sleepily.
Sanji groans. “Love you too, Nami my dear.” He mutters. She hums back sleepily.
Sanji and Zoro, hands intertwined, dawdle behind the rest of the crew as they all make their way up the path. Once they’re a distance away from the group, Zoro turns to him and raises an eyebrow.
“So you told them that we fucked in Kaido’s palace?”
Sanji looks away shiftily. “Um. Yes. It was just Nami, but I’m beginning to think everyone will know by morning. Or potentially sooner.”
“Okay.” Zoro seems to digest this for a moment. “Did you tell them that it was fucking hot?”
Sanji smiles ruefully, and kisses his boyfriend’s bruised cheek. “No. I didn’t. But I’m sure you can tell them that.”