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Bellara stared at the blank page in front of her.
The blank page didn't stare back. It didn't have eyes, which Bellara knew, but she couldn't quite shake the feeling that somehow it was judging her anyway. She was half tempted to close the journal and not deal with the blank page, but somehow that felt like letting it win. She groaned, burying her face in her hands. "Fenedhis."
In truth, she'd bought the journal from a vendor in the Hall of Valor on a whim more than because she actually knew what she wanted to do with it. The dragon destroying Minrathous and the Venatori subsequently seizing control of the city meant it was going to be dangerous for her to return for at least some time, and it was such a stupid thing to fixate on when the Shadow Dragons had been decimated and Neve had left to try and rebuild her home, but—
Bellara wouldn't be able to read her serials. It wasn't like she'd read them often anyway, before Neve had been kind enough to offer grabbing her copies from the newspaper sellers, but back then it had just been because she was in Arlathan Forest, and it wasn't like the Veil Jumpers got newspapers from Tevinter, and even if they had tried no seller would have sold to Bellara anyway, and… she was spiraling.
Bellara took a deep breath, running her hands through her hair and flexing her fingers to try and ground herself. Focus. Don't lose the thought. She'd bought the journal for a reason, and she wasn't going to spiral over the dragon in Minrathous or the fact that the Venatori now had control of Minrathous. Not right now, at least.
She'd bought the journal for a reason.
She took another deep breath, then parted her fingers to peer at the journal. It had been such a simple idea, but she'd thought… why not try writing her own serial? She wouldn't be able to buy them for now and honestly, as much as she had liked the romance and drama of Tevinter serials, it got a little tiring to always read about a human or dwarf protagonist. What if she tried writing a serial about an elf? Maybe even a Dalish elf?
It wasn't like she was even the first Dalish elf to have the thought, though she was going in a different direction with it; there was a Dalish Warden who had started collecting the stories of the elvhen people into a journal, and had published several tomes out of Amaranthine. Where that Warden though had been focused on the past, Bellara wanted to… not focus on the future, exactly, but do something new? Maybe?
It wasn't a bad thing, was it, to want to write new stories for her people? The old stories were… complicated, now. They were still shared and spoken and read, but they weren't easy anymore. They hadn't been easy now for a long time, and now Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain walking Thedas again meant maybe they would never be easy again. Maybe focusing on something new would help, at least a little bit. Give them a chance to look at something else, so one day they could come back to the old stories with fresh eyes.
It had seemed like a good idea, at the time. Then Bellara had opened the journal and seen that blank page, and then she'd remembered: Oh. Right. She actually needed to have an idea to start writing something new.
Fenedhis.
Bellara sighed, letting her fingers fall from her face. The only thing worse than overthinking something was realizing she was overthinking it, and now she was sitting here wondering if she should even bother. She already had her hands full with the Nadas Dirthalen, this wasn't something she needed to do.
It was something she wanted to do, though.
After a moment, Bellara scooted closer to her desk, hesitantly picking up her quill. It wasn't like she needed to write the story, right? People who wrote made up outlines and jotted down notes all the time. She could come up with an idea that way, this could be her… idea journal, or her outline journal, or something. That didn't seem nearly as scary, and the tip of her quill finally touched that blank page as she started to write.
First things first: her hero. That was easy enough; Bellara wanted this story to be told through the eyes of a Dalish elf. Maybe a mage? Give other elves something nice to read about their magic, after what they had learned about the Creators. A reminder that it wasn't all bad, that there could be beauty in it. Yes, a Dalish mage would be perfect—she wasn't sure yet if the hero would be a Keeper, or a First, or maybe even a Second, but she could worry about that later.
Not a Veil Jumper, though. Bellara had nothing against the Veil Jumpers—she loved the Veil Jumpers—but the Veil Jumpers also spent a lot of time studying the past and uncovering the truth behind their history, and Bellara wanted to let that wound heal a little bit instead of pressing down on it. After a second of thought, she added down an additional note: definitely a Second. Seconds had magic and a little more freedom in their clans compared to Keepers and especially Firsts, making her hero a clan Second made sense for whatever plot she settled on.
Okay! Dalish elf, mage, clan Second. This was coming together nicely, now that she was getting into the flow of it and not thinking about it so much. She just needed one last thing for her hero… well, two last things, but Bellara was not going to force a romance. She'd read enough of those in her lifetime, thank you. It was only the first story! There was no reason to push a romance this early! If she did she could potentially throw off the pacing and ignore any previous characterization, and she ran the risk of the romance outweighing whatever plot she settled on—
Ahem.
Bellara shook herself. She didn't need to think about the romance yet, but since she also kind of was… she quickly scribbled down a note about her hero being female. If she was, theoretically, going to write a romance at some point she might as well save herself the trouble and commit to her hero being a woman and the potential partner also being a woman. Call Bellara simple but her only real relationship so far had been with Irelin, and they'd both been women, so… writing what she knew was easier.
Bellara paused, tapping the tip of her quill against the paper for a moment. She didn't want the focus of her story to be a romance… but since she was still thinking about this, why not expand it a bit anyway? The plot itself wouldn't be a romance, but in her mind the best kind of romance was the one that was worked into the plot instead of sticking out like a sick halla in the herd.
This was only her first story, so the plot didn't need to be super complicated. Her hero was a Second of her clan, so maybe… Bellara tapped the tip of her quill against the paper a few more times before she started writing again. Not an elf born Dalish, but one adopted, perhaps? Yes, that could work—her magic had come in at a young age, and her parents had fled the alienage in the dark of night to try and find a clan instead of letting her be taken to a Circle. Instead of making it safely to the clan though with no troubles, maybe they crossed paths with patrolling templars, and in the resulting chaos the Second's brother was separated from the family and they couldn't afford to go back for him—
Bellara stopped writing, blinking at the words on the page.
They weren't bad words. She felt like this was a pretty solid idea, all things considered. It was just… she was kind of writing about herself, wasn't she? She'd once been that young city elf whose magic had come in, and her parents had been willing to take their chances with the Dalish instead of losing her to a Circle. The only difference was, well, Cyrian hadn't been taken by templars. They'd all made it to Clan Morlyn safely.
For all that had mattered in the end, considering Bellara's parents had returned to their lives as soon as she and her brother were old enough to take care of themselves, and Cyrian was…
Bellara swallowed, her grip briefly tightening on her quill before she took a quiet breath. She held it for a few seconds, then breathed out slowly. Only when her hand was steady did she start writing again.
It was a plot, for as much as it made the old wound on her heart sting. A clan Second, old enough now and powerful enough to leave the clan and discover the truth of what had happened to her brother after spending years blaming herself because he had caused the distraction that had separated him from the family just to keep her safe. Her fault, and now she could make it right.
It was a plot. Now she just needed to think of a way to weave something more out of it.
A mage traveling alone was clearly in danger, so Bellara decided after some thought that her hero would need a traveling companion. Someone who could keep an eye on her and vouch for her if they were noticed by the Circles or the Chantry, so she could continue her search without being locked away for the rest of her life.
Nessa had mentioned that among the Grey Wardens, mages had more freedom than they did in the Circles. They were willing to do whatever it took to end a Blight, after all; apparently her former lover had been a blood mage. That could work, when she thought about it—perhaps her hero would purposely seek out the Grey Wardens, striking a deal and agreeing to be recruited into the Order once she found her brother, and in exchange a Grey Warden would travel with her to keep her safe. It solved her concerns about romance, too; if she made the Grey Warden her hero's love interest, she was woven into the story from the start and the two of them could grow together across the journey.
Now she just needed to nail down the details of the Grey Warden, and she would at least have her two main characters set. Maybe after that she would take a small break; that seemed like a good stopping point. She didn't want to wear herself out so early in the process, especially when she hadn't actually started writing the story itself yet.
Bellara tapped the tip of her quill against the page again for a few seconds before she started writing. Any Grey Warden would do in terms of description, she assumed all if not most of them were used to fighting with mages since Nessa never even blinked when she was out in the field with Bellara or Neve or Emmrich, but for the purpose of… not conflict, exactly, more like the best chance for bonding, perhaps a dwarf would be best. A dwarf Grey Warden would have seen magic, but she could still be from Orzammar, it could still be something she'd had no experience with before she was recruited, and even then…
Bellara paused, taking another quiet breath.
Even then, somehow, making this Grey Warden a dwarf felt important right now. Lace was connected to a Titan, and Nessa had been helping her with that even though they all knew how nervous this new magic made her. Maybe she could channel Nessa's uncertainty into something a little more understandable, a dwarf who had never seen or rarely been exposed to Dalish magic. That could work, yes. Something close to what she was seeing right now but not exactly the same.
Bellara nodded to herself, then kept writing.
The details of her love interest came fairly easily, from there; a dwarven woman from Orzammar. She wouldn't need to reveal everything about her right away, but Bellara figured taking notes wasn't a bad time for her to nail down the little details so she could keep track of them later, so once she was set on that she kept going. A runaway from one of the noble Houses, perhaps? Nessa had told her that happened sometimes, if someone in a family didn't like their place and didn't have the stomach for violence. Being born into a noble House would also explain how she some archery before she joined the Wardens, Nessa had mentioned off-handedly that she'd initially picked up her own skills to do little tricks at noble gatherings—
Bellara stopped writing for a moment. She blinked, processing what had just been running through her mind now for the last few minutes, then leaned in a little bit to reread what she had just written down about her love interest.
A dwarven archer? That wasn't unusual, dwarves could really have any type of training except for mage training. A Grey Warden? She'd already reasoned that out but the logic still held: her hero would need someone to protect her from the Chantry, since she would technically be an apostate regardless of her Dalish training, and a Grey Warden treating her as a recruit did that nicely. Running away from a noble House was a bit… specific, perhaps, yes, but it wasn't like she'd choose the House Nessa had left behind, Nessa often joked about how she was really only minor nobility at best and that was why it had taken so long for anyone to even notice she was missing and—
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, she was just making her love interest Nessa, wasn't she?
"Shit," Bellara whispered, because some thoughts just had to be said out loud. The words didn't magically disappear from the page no matter how hard she stared at them, and even though she felt incredibly stupid doing it, she leaned back, set her quill down, and carefully closed the journal like she feared that it would grow teeth and snap at her if she moved too quickly. She waited a few seconds, then just as carefully opened the journal again.
The words were still on the page.
Bellara shoved the journal away and groaned, burying her face in her hands as she felt a blush start to spread. "Dread Wolf take me," she hissed, because she had been trying to ignore this, dammit. She'd been trying to ignore her… her dumb little crush on Nessa because sure, she was absolutely gorgeous and she was honest and thoughtful and she always listened when Bellara rambled but now wasn't the time, they were dealing with the Evanuris and Minrathous had just fallen and—
And Nessa would never look at Bellara the way she wanted her to.
Oh, sure, Nessa flirted with her, but that wasn't special. Nessa flirted with everyone except for Lace, and considering the feeling of their friendship Bellara suspected she only didn't flirt because they'd already slept together and had decided they were better as friends. Nessa always found the time to talk with Bellara and she liked bringing her along when they went out into the field, but that didn't mean anything. It couldn't, because Lucanis and Neve had both been around from fairly early on too and they were both incredibly attractive and very sweet in their own ways even if right now Neve was upset about Nessa choosing Treviso, and Davrin—
Bellara grimaced.
Well. Davrin was perfect, was the thing. A Dalish elf like her but he was a warrior, so he could actually go into the front lines and protect Nessa instead of having to hang back with her. A fellow Grey Warden even if they had never worked together before, so they had that in common where all Bellara and Nessa really shared was a love of happy ending serials.
Here in reality, Bellara knew she had no chance with Nessa. She'd already had such a small chance with Neve and Lucanis around, but Davrin's arrival meant her small chance had basically dropped to zero. She liked Nessa and she knew Nessa liked her too, but Bellara really liked Nessa, and Nessa… didn't seem interested in that kind of thing, as far as she could tell.
She wasn't writing about reality, though. She was writing her own story, telling her own adventure, and even if the characters she'd made up so far were based off of herself and Nessa, that didn't mean it had to end the same way. They would never be together in reality, but in a story she'd chosen to write…
Bellara chewed her bottom lip. She picked her quill back up.
There was no harm in a little fantasy, she thought. Even if it didn't happen in the first book—at least in the story she could get the girl.
That would be enough.
It had to be.