Chapter Text
Conrad lets himself into his apartment. Aside from a slight layer of dust, it looks and feels the same. The only evidence of life is his lone fern that sits on the small kitchen bar that divides the space. Looks like Agnes took good care of it this summer.
He closes the door behind him, and he lets his bags fall to the floor, the exhaustion of the past 48 hours finally catching up to him. He lets out a deep exhale he didn’t realize he’d been holding.
He stands there for a few minutes practicing a few deep breathing exercises he learned in the wellness class Stanford requires of all first-year medical students. He can’t peel himself away from the door. He covers his hands over his face. The heel of his hand is attempting to keep the tears that threaten to fall at bay. But no, maybe letting go of the emotion of the past couple of days is exactly what he needs. That’s kind of the whole point of all the therapy work he’s been doing, right?
His tears and his body fall at the same time. He just sits against his front door for a moment. He cries himself to even more exhaustion, which feels a lot like relief. Feeling marginally lighter than when he first entered his apartment, he reaches into his coat pocket for his phone.
He opens the client portal for his therapist. If he can’t have Belly right now, he might as well continue the work. The real work he hasn’t told his therapist. The parts he left out about her. If anything, to continue to relieve the pressure from the pain thinking about her causes in his chest.
He schedules an appointment first thing Monday morning.
The second text he sends is to Agnes.
Conard: Ferdinand the Fern looks good. Thanks for looking after him this summer. Let’s get that drink I owe you. Tomorrow? Our usual place?
Agnes: Welcome back. Yes, let’s do it. Tomorrow at 8 pm?
Conard: See you then.
Conrad lets out another exhausted sigh. All he can do right now is take one step at a time. With that thought, he gets himself up and starts to get ready for bed.
—
The next morning, Conrad laces up his shoes and goes on a run that both revives him and exhausts him until his heart is nearly bursting out of his chest. He doesn’t want to go back to his apartment yet, and he has hours until he meets up with Agnes. He finds a familiar bench that looks out over the lake near campus. He closes his eyes and just lets his mind go where it always does. Where it always wants to go: Belly.
Flashes of the summer pass through his internal visions like viewing one of the old movies they used to watch together.
The intense pull he felt when she helped him with his leg. He’s never wanted to kiss her so badly. He could feel it from her, too. There was no denying she felt it. The fact that she did deny it ripped him to pieces. But Conrad knows better deep in his heart. He knows she loves him still, too. He saw it. He knows her looks. Feels her energy. Even after all of these years. Even if her words were saying something different the morning after Conrad confessed to her on the beach. There was no mistaking how her eyes changed after he mentioned Christmas.
Fuck. Christmas.
That was the moment things shifted for both of them. They were both reminded of the deep bond they share. This unspoken language that’s never gone away. The safe feeling, yet the electric buzz that is being together. Always. They can run away from it all they want, but when they are in the same room, it’s there like a goddamn phantom limb.
His thoughts drift to how he tried to memorize the shape of her face as he said his goodbye. He slowly opens his eyes and squints up at the sun. What a mess everything is now. But he remembers: just one step at a time. He looks around him. People are starting to show up on the trail. He rises from the bench and runs back home.
___
Conrad pushes open the door to the dark and slightly seedy (for Palo Alto) dive bar that Agnes and he have made their spot since undergrad. It’s where they’ve decompressed after exams and study groups, gotten into ethical debates about hypothetical medical situations, and celebrated any successes they’ve accumulated. It’s the best place to recap the summer.
He spots the top of her red mane right away. Always the back booth. Like clockwork. That’s comforting to Conrad in this moment. At least this is the same. Agnes stands as he approaches the table. He can see she already bought the first round, even though this one should be on him.
She looks like she’s about to punch him in the shoulder, but at the last minute, she brings both arms around his waist for a hug. This move makes him laugh.
“You look like shit,” She ribs.
He can always count on her to be honest. He pulls back from the hug to look at her.
“Yeah, it’s been a wild couple of days.”
“Did exposure therapy go as we hoped? You didn’t really give me much to go on all summer.”
They both sit down on opposite sides of the table. Conrad scoffs. “Exposure therapy…” he repeats as he shakes his head and grabs his beer.
He takes a sip before he looks at her again. “Yeah, this was something I figured I’d probably should tell you after the fact, in person.”
“Oh, it sounds like we’re going to need more than one round tonight.”
Conrad grimaces and gives a nod.
Agnes waves over the waitress and preemptively orders a few more rounds. After their order is taken, she leans in.
“Spill.”
Conrad takes a deep breath and leaves no detail to spare about what went down in Cousins this summer.
For a full minute, Agnes doesn’t say a word after Conrad finishes.
He stops playing with the label on his beer bottle to make sure she’s still there.
Her mouth is ajar. Her eyes are wide. Finally, she gives her head a small shake to come back to the moment.
“Holy Shit, Conrad.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s a lot.”
“A lot? That’s a shit ton of chaos. Unlike anything I’ve ever heard.” She covers her mouth with her hand as she’s still mulling everything over.
Conrad shrugs and lets out a laugh. “Um, go big or go home?” He says it as a question that might not be the appropriate response to any of this.
Agnes laughs at that.
“Yeah, you took exposure therapy to the extreme. But I’m also proud of you. You felt your feels and you told your truth. Once the dust settles, no one can blame you for that. And I agree with Belly’s best friend, Taylor. You’re not the only one to blame here. It sounds like Belly and Jeremiah lost themselves a little bit in all of this. They are just as much accountable for things blowing up as you are. I might be biased because of my loyalty to you, but I think you did everyone a favor. You made them confront their relationship and their part in this whole story.”
Conrad lets out a relieved sigh. Like that’s exactly what he needed to hear. Someone who was on his side.
He looks down at his bottle again. “Thank you, Agnes. Really. Thank you.”
She pauses before she continues. “So what’s next?” She asks with pursed lips as she points her bottle at him.
“I’m going to listen to Taylor. For now. I’m giving Belly space. And to be honest, I need some space too. I need to process everything. You know, start talking to Ryan again about all of this."
“Good. I’m glad you’re not falling back into old patterns. Have you made an appointment with Ryan yet?”
“Yup, first thing tomorrow.”
“Good, I’m glad.” There’s a comfortable silence that settles between them.
Conrad looks up. “You ready to go?” Conrad asks as he takes a final sip of his beer.
On the sidewalk outside the bar, Agnes puts her hand on Conrad's bicep to stop him from walking back to his apartment. He turns to look at her.
“I know this sounds cliché and maybe it’s a bit of a platitude, but I need to say it.”
Conrad raises his eyebrows and turns to give her his full attention.
“You’re going to be okay. It might not feel like it now, but you’re going to be okay. There are so many people here who just want you to be happy. And I know that there are people on the East Coast who still want that for you, too. Don’t dismiss them forever just because you feel like blaming yourself. I’m willing to bet they don’t blame you as much as you do. Just know, you have people in your corner here…and there. Don’t forget that, Conrad.”
He gives her a small smile and nods. “Thanks, Agnes. Good night.”
“Good night, Conrad.”
—
The next morning, Conrad arrives 15 minutes early for his therapy appointment. Ryan opens his door.
“Conrad, you’re up.”
Conrad rises from his seat in the waiting room of Ryan’s small campus office. Ryan closes the door behind Conrad as he heads for the couch near the windows.
“I’m glad I saw your name on my client roster today. It’s been a while. Catch me up. How was your summer?”
Conrad laughs. “Oh boy, where do I begin?”
Ryan looks up from his yellow notepad. “In our last session, we walked through what your mom’s garden dedication ceremony would look like. Why don’t we start there?”
Conrad leans forward and rubs the tops of his thighs, and nods. “Okay, here we go…”
Conrad tells him everything. Ryan stops to ask probing questions along the way, but much like the night before with Agnes, Conrad tells Ryan every last detail. Everything with Jeremiah and especially with Belly. Finally.
“Okay,” Ryan says, pausing his note-taking.
“I’m curious, Conrad. Why haven’t you mentioned Belly before?”
“I think I just wanted to forget about her. And I thought I could if I never talked about her with people who don’t know the whole story, which is pretty much everyone here. School has kept me focused and, I guess, distracted from dealing with anything about her.”
“That makes total sense,” Ryan affirms.
“So is Belly something you want to “deal with” now? Do you think you’re ready to do that?”
“Yes, I think I need to. If I ever believe I have a shot of being with her in the future, I have to deal with everything that’s happened up until now. How our relationship unfolded. The aftermath of my mother’s death on both of us, and what happened this summer.”
“Good, Conrad. I’m glad to hear you say that. That’s progress for you. And I’ll be here every step of the way to help you process what you need to.”
“Thanks, Ryan. I’m ready. I want to make changes.”
“Great. Let’s make a treatment plan and go from there.”
Conrad gives a relieved nod of agreement.
—
It’s been a month or so since the wedding that never was. While fall in Palo Alto is pretty perfect, it doesn’t hold a candle to the fall fireworks of the East Coast. Conrad misses the deep oranges, yellows, and reds that color his childhood memories. Fall aside, Conrad fell into a good rhythm and routine since he returned. He busied himself with class, study groups, and occasionally being social with Agnes and other classmates, and, of course, therapy.
In October, after a particularly brutal anatomy midterm, Conrad’s phone buzzes with a text. He reaches into his caramel-colored wool coat to retrieve it as he walks to his car. He nearly drops his phone on the pavement when he checks his messages. It’s a text from Steven. With the aftermath of what Conrad did and Stevens' response, he’s the last person Conrad thought he’d hear from. He had to read the text a few times before responding.
Steven: Hey, bro, I know it’s been a while. I wanted to let you know that Denise and I will be in Silicon Valley next week, pitching our startup to a few VCs for funding. Even though we left things as we did, I can’t be so geographically close and not see you. What do you say? You willing to catch up? Taylor’s coming too.
Conrad feels relieved to know all is not lost with Steven.
Conrad: Hey, Steven. Of course, man. Do you need a place to stay? What days and times are you going to be here? BTW, it’s really good to hear from you. I’m glad you reached out. I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear from you again after…
Steven: I know. We can talk about everything when I’m in town.
They text logistics back and forth for a bit, and once everything is settled for the visit, Conrad allows himself to feel cautiously optimistic.
___
Conrad’s been anxious all week. Not panic attack anxious, but he’s just been a bit on edge knowing Steven, Denise, and Taylor will be in California tomorrow. Even though he’s worked on expressing himself and having difficult conversations, nothing prepares you for the real thing.
Conrad’s glad Steven turned down his offer to stay at his place. They are staying at a posh hotel in San Francisco and renting a car to get around. Their pitch meeting is in two days.
Taylor and Denise are getting their nails done today. Steven and Conrad will meet up with them for dinner in downtown San Francisco later. Conrad swings by to pick up Steven. He gets in the passenger seat and reaches over the console to give Conrad an awkward bro hug despite everything that’s gone down.
“Hey, Connie. Good to see you, man.” Conrad quickly gets over his surprise at the gesture.
“Yeah, man, Great to see you too.”
They make a quick stop at Conrad’s go-to coffee chain to grab drinks, then he drives out to his favorite hiking trail, Land’s End. They snag a bench that overlooks the coast with some of the best views of the Golden Gate Bridge. Conrad takes a long sip of his coffee, really not sure how to start this conversation. He’s somewhat relieved when Steven speaks up.
“Hey man, about everything that went down after the non-wedding event. I’m sorry I was so harsh. At the time, I had no idea Jere cheated on Belly in Cabo. I mean, fuck, he hurt my little sister, and in my book, that’s hard for me to forgive. I know I can’t throw stones when it comes to cheating, but man, it’s Belly. Come on.”
Conrad doesn’t say anything right away. He just stares out at the water.
“Nah, I deserved a lot of what you said that day. I think we’ve all done our fair share of hurting each other.” He pauses. “Do you think we’ll all ever be able to move on and forgive each other for this mess?”
Steven takes time to think about it before he responds. “I think so. I mean, we’ve all been friends with each other for all of our lives. We can’t just throw that away just because things got fucking hard and chaotic. Right now, I can’t speak for Belly or Jere, but I know I want to forgive and move on. That’s why I wanted to see you, man. I miss you. I miss our friendship. I think we can repair this. Don’t you?”
“Yeah, I want that.”
They let a comfortable silence settle between them. Conrad’s not sure if he’s allowed to ask about Belly. But he shoots his shot anyway, while they both seem to be in a vulnerable mood.
Conrad takes a deep breath in and out before he asks.
“How’s Belly?”
“She’s good, man. Really good. I think Paris suits her.”
He doesn’t elaborate further. Conrad knows that's all he’s going to get. That’s all he’s allowed for now. Wounds are scabbing over and turning into scars, but it’s not time to rip off the band-aid. Not yet.
Having to be satisfied with Steven’s answer, Conrad nods his acknowledgement.
“How about you, Conrad? How are you? California seems to be your jam.”
“Yeah, I love it. School’s intense, but good. I love medicine. It makes me feel useful. Like, I have this higher purpose now. It keeps me going.”
“That’s awesome, man. I’m happy for you.”
There’s more silence. The flow they once had will take time to come back. But both guys have faith it will return.
Conrad breaks the quiet. “Hey, our reservation is soon. Let’s start to head back so we can pick up the girls for dinner.”
Steven stands up. “Right, that sounds like a good idea." He turns to Conrad before they start to walk the trail. "We good, bro?” Steven holds out his hand for a proper handshake. Conrad takes it firmly and smiles.
“Yeah, man. We’re good.”
They walk the same way they came.
“So tell me about your pitch with the VCs. What’s that all about?” Conrad asks. Steven slaps him playfully on the shoulder.
“Oh man, I’m so pumped about this game. And Denise is scary good at the business of all this. I think we have a real shot…”
Steven continues as they get into the car. Conrad's paying attention. Kind of. Belly is never too far from his thoughts. As he’s attempting to get excited about Steven’s excitement, he can’t help but replay what Steven said earlier. Paris suits her.
Man, does he miss her. Even more than the 4 years they stayed out of touch. Seeing her this summer, despite how it all ended, seeing her again, it was like giving a hungry man food.
Now to hear about her again from Steven. He has to take One. Step. At. A. Time. Conrad is able to nod in all the right places as Steven jabbers on about their pitch.
Conrad gets nervous again as they pull up to the hotel to pick up Taylor and Denise. He hasn’t seen or heard from Taylor since the night outside the bar when she told him to give Belly space. They pop into the backseat and settle in, strapping their seatbelts in as Conrad pulls back into rush hour traffic. He feels a small hand on his shoulder.
“It’s good to see you, Fisher.” Taylor gives Conrad a small smile in the rearview mirror. That wasn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be. Once again, relief floods his system.
The banter is light as they make their way to the restaurant. Denise fills in more detail about their pitch, and Taylor chimes in with a funny story about the spa day they just had. The merriment continues as they valet and get seated at the fancy Italian restaurant. One of Conrad's favorites.
When drinks and cocktails are in hand, Steven pauses everyone to give a toast. He raises his glass and encourages everyone else to do so as well. He makes intentional eye contact with Conrad.
“To old friends and new memories. And to quote e.e.cummings, ‘For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it’s always ourselves we find in the sea.' To the sea on both coasts and around the world."
“And to our pitch this week,” Denise adds.
We cheers, clink our glasses, and share laughs at Denise’s insistent addition.
As Conrad takes a sip, he has a deep knowing of what that poem means to his family and Steven’s family and their history together. And it gives him a sliver of hope that things just might be okay. Maybe not immediately. But someday.
Feeling overstuffed from dinner, the group decides to walk around the city before heading back to their hotel for the night. Steven and Denise are walking ahead, strategizing more about their meeting. There is a rare but comfortable silence stretching between Conrad and Taylor. They didn’t talk much one-on-one during dinner. But Conrad can tell there is something she wants to say.
They are walking along when Conrad feels her hand on his forearm. “Hey, I know I said that night that I would tell you when I was in touch with her, and I’m sorry I haven’t, but she asked me not to initially. But last week, when she heard from Steven that we are coming to San Francisco and we were going to see you, she said to say hello."
She continues. “Now, I’m not saying you should read too much into that. But it might be a good time to reach out. It seems she might be more open to hearing from you now that she is more settled in Paris, and is gaining some confidence back.”
“Should I text her? Call her?” He asks with a sense of eagerness that makes Taylor laugh.
“Whoa, buddy. Slow your roll, my dude. You know Belly. She likes old things. Old movies, vintage things, etc. Have you ever thought about writing her old-fashioned snail mail letters? That might be the best pace for the two of you right now.”
Conrad let that swirl around in his brain. He liked that idea. A smile started to spread across his face. He looked down at Taylor with appreciation. “Thank you.” He whispered.
“You’re welcome. You know I haven’t always been Team Conrad, but even I can’t deny the connection between you two. This might sound strange coming from me, but don’t give up on her. I think deep down, she loves you back. She just needs to find her own way first before she can live your love out loud with you.”
He laughs with his full chest at this. The warmth of this thought spreads throughout his body. The spark of hope that Steven lit with his toast just got a bit brighter.
On his way home, he stops at a stoplight, and he looks up and catches a quick glimpse of Venus. It’s an evening star this time of year. He smiles to himself as he hears a quick honk from the car behind him as the light turns green.
He gets home and goes straight to this desk. He opens the top drawer and grabs a piece of his monogrammed stationery from its perch in the front. He grabs a pen and, with a slightly shaky hand, he starts his letter…
Dear Belly,