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“Hyung, you need to calm down. Tell me slowly.” Taehyun's voice sounded so relaxed through the cell phone’s speaker, so entirely normal that it felt wrong. It felt unmatched, not at all reflective of the incredulous panic racing through Soobin’s veins. The terror that gripped his entire heart. Did Soobin know he was likely thinking a bit… Irrationally? Maybe. That knowledge still couldn’t stop him from feeling that way.
“*slow breath* Yeonjun hyung... I can’t find him.”
“What do you mean you can’t find him?”
“It’s already gotten so dark, but he’s not home yet Taehyun! He’s always home right after sundown. I’ve contacted his boss but-but they said he left hours ago. He’s not answering his phone. No one’s open this late anymore Taehyun so where the fuck could he be?!”
“Okay, Okay. Take another breath hyung. He couldn’t have just disappeared. He’ll be somewhere.”
“He said he’s been feeling off lately Tae. You don’t think…he wouldn’t have… l-left--wwould he?” Fuck. Soobin felt acidic bile rising in his throat just at uttering those words. The mere thought made him feel faint and want to gag. He didn’t even want to think about entering a world without his love in it. Without Yeonjun’s sweet smiles and pet names, his dancing or pictures, the soft feeling of his lips and warm skin pressing against Soobin’s own. Soobin already wants to cry.
“No. Don’t talk like that hyung.”
“He has a history of it Taehyun. He gets sad, and then he just-” Soobin couldn’t finish his sentence. His throat wouldn’t let those syllables choke out, but he also really doesn’t want to speak the rest. Then it becomes real.
“I know he does. He has a history of leaving with you hyung. I’m not saying Yeonjun would never go away somewhere, but he would never leave without you. Ever.”
“What am I supposed to do Taehyun? It’s so cold tonight, and the weather's so bad. I can’t just let him not be here.”
“Have you tried Beomgyu hyung or Kai yet?”
“They don’t know either. He hasn’t contacted anyone at all.”
“*sigh* Typically I would say we need to wait a bit longer, but… it’s not like him to do something-at least not without letting you know. What was the last location he shared with you?”
“It was about 20 minutes away from the studio, just below the ridge. He goes there to take pictures sometimes.”
“We’ll start by looking around there, okay hyung? I’ll call Beomgyu and Kai to help. Please please please be careful though! Don’t just start panicking and running around without any idea of where you’re going, and keep your cell phone charged so we can contact each other.”
“I’ll start heading that way now.”
“Don’t forget your umbrella either. Bring a good one.”
“Thank you Taehyun.”
“Of course hyung. Try not to worry too much okay? You know how he is. He probably just got caught up in the rain or taking photos or something.”
“I think it’s way too late for that, but… I’ll try.”
“I’ll contact you as soon as I know something.”
Taehyun ended the call quite abruptly after that, but Soobin could already hear him shuffling around the background just a second before the small speaker cut out. He was doing the same, haphazardly grabbing a thin jacket and an umbrella. He’s not sure that he’s ever tossed on a pair of boots and rushed out the door so quickly in his entire life. Soobin was immediately hit by large gusts of wind, blowing thousands of heavy raindrops through the blackened sky. The downpour created small ponds in the streets, making it increasingly difficult to catch a cab.
Every second Soobin felt even more sick with worry, only slightly comforted by the fact that he knew he wasn’t alone. He trusts that Taehyun had called Beomgyu and Kai as soon as their call ended, and that they would be honestly searching through the storm with him. Even if they didn’t necessarily believe that something was wrong, they believed in their hyung. Soobin’s gut was telling him that something might have gone horribly awry, and their small friend group would never doubt those instincts. They know how important they are and how serious this is to Soobin. So Soobin can trust that they will take this just as seriously themselves. It does feel slightly better to know that.
Soobin finally hails a cab and tells them the location, already feeling impatient anxiety bubbling through his insides. The driver wasn’t driving nearly fast enough, and he could do nothing but sit quietly in the backseat. Soobin still remembers a time when no one took his concerns so seriously. His entire extended family consisted of 20+ people, but not a single one of them believed Soobin when he swore up and down that he had a horrible feeling. When he had tried to plead with them, insisting that Yeonjun was not okay… They simply laughed it aside and told him that it was an unreasonable claim. Soobin needed to stop being so overdramatic and realize that Yeonjun is an extremely free spirited person. Soobin always said that same thing, and Yeonjun was always okay in the end. Soobin will never forget the evening that they realized how right he was. He will never forget almost losing Yeonjun forever, and he couldn’t cope with the thought of going through that experience a second time.
The cab took 35 minutes to drive to the correct location, claiming that the storm made the quicker roads too treacherous to travel on. Soobin had received several messages from the others telling him what general areas they were searching, but they had yet to find anything. Soobin wasted no time in heading towards the furthest area of the ridge. None of the others had started searching there yet, but Soobin also knew that it’s one of Yeonjun’s favorite photograph locations due to the scenery. It’s not the safest region. The roads leading there are littered with darkened sketchy alleyways and unsavory characters. Especially under the current weather conditions, it provides zero protection from any of the elements. That has also never stopped Yeonjun before, and Soobin doesn’t expect that the elder would let it slow him down now.
He did keep in mind what Taehyun had said earlier, but he also couldn’t stop the deafening fear that prevented him from genuinely following all of dongseang’s requests. Every moment Soobin walked past another empty road or a closed shop another memory came to his mind. A memory of Yeonjun giddily explaining the new dance move he had perfected that day, or showing Soobin how he got the lighting just right in his most recent photograph, or kissing each other underneath the moonlight stars. Then Soobin thought of what it would be like to not experience any of these things again, and the resulting terror propelled his feet to scurry across the pavement ever faster. The umbrella was only protecting him from a portion of the heavy onslaught, and he was beginning to feel increasingly lost as he delved closer towards the ridge.
Soobin had nearly walked past all of the closed up buildings in this area, now nearing the end of the long forgotten roadway. He was already starting to consider alternative options. There had to be a different location that no one had checked; one that Yeonjun would like to be at on a rainy afternoon. He reached the final alleyway, this one a bit more expansive than many of the others. Colorful graffiti letters paint both sides of the walls. Many forgotten missing persons flyers are posted towards the front, and several large garbage bins are towards the back. The bins have been locked shut tightly by the building’s owners, but the large containers still create a ledge near the back of the open space. Soobin recognizes this locale from some of Yeonjun’s photographs. Due to the bins, it was difficult to see around every small corner of this alleyway without actually entering the first half of the alley. Soobin knew that he could never risk potentially missing something important, even if it was simply a lost cell phone or an abandoned piece of jewelry, so he stepped forward without any hesitation.
His pace was initially hasty and pressured, until a picturesque scene displayed itself in front of Soobin. A sight that stifled his very bones where he stood. His tight grip around the clear umbrella loosened and its new position caused even more droplets to pelt against his shoulder. The oxygen halted inside of his lungs so quickly that it hurt. His stomach was churning. The unrelenting storm continued pouring down on every corner of the dim alleyway, but near the back it was settling itself on top of the thin body of a dancer. Soobin could recognize the unique apricot hair color anywhere, just as well as he knew the pristine pale skin that was now melding with the torn up concrete. The clothing was clearly the same outfit that Yeonjun had worn when he left for work this morning. A plain white t-shirt underneath a black leather jacket, highlighted by gaudy animal print pants and a shiny silver choker that wrapped around his neck. The remaining silver chains still dangled over his torso loosely, resting ontop of a chest that no longer appeared to be moving in large and steady motions. His body was so still, laying across the concrete without a single twitch daring to ignite warmth through the muscles.
“Y-yyeonjun--h--hyungg?! Baby!!” Soobin had never felt so petrified before. Soobin’s body instantly scurried forward just seconds after he shouted, but the pace was faster than his legs could carry. Within the short time it took to reach the back of the alleyway Soobin was already tripping over his feet, stumbling into the concrete right beside Yeonjun’s body. He didn’t care how much it stung as he collided with the ground. His brain felt like it was stuffed to the brim with wads of cotton. Soobin’s fingers were trembling as he reached towards Yeonjun's body, now able to sit beside him and touch the fabric he wore. He ran his fingertips along the skin across Yeonjun’s neck and cheeks, cupping the side of his face gently with his palm. The silver studs on either side of Yeonjun’s eyebrow looked like they were glistening from the rain. Tears dripped past Soobin’s quickly reddening eyes, the umbrella already forgotten beside him. Yeonjun’s skin felt so cold to the touch, his entire body soaked down to the bones. The fabric of his clothing was sticking to his skin, the thin white t-shirt now entirely see-through. It revealed every small detail of Yeonjun’s chest, as well as the small studs of silver jewelry that were usually only meant for Soobin to see. Yeonjun’s eyes were shut so gently that it almost looked like he was sleeping, although the pale color of his lips served as a horrible reminder that he wasn’t.
“Yeonjun! Hyung pplease, it’s Soobin. I’m here baby.” Soobin struggled to sniffle back the wetness in his voice, but his tears remained aberrantly obvious. He was entirely unable to hide the way his voice stuttered and choked through every syllable. “Pplease wake up. Please.” Soobin grazed his thumb just beneath Yeonjun’s eyes, pressing in just slightly as he did so. He tried to reposition the umbrella so it could shield his love from some of the rain, but it wasn’t enough to make a significant difference. Soobin watched a tear drip down to Yeonjun’s skin as he squeezed his loves shoulders, joining the heavy droplets that now bombarded them both.
Soobin’s breathing hitched as he watched Yeonjun’s eyelids fluttering, a weak groan resonating from his slightly parted lips. A large crack of thunder could be heard in the distance. Soobin was startled by those large noises only several minutes ago, but he hardly took any notice of it now.
“That’s it Yeonjun. Come on hyung pplease--*choke*--please come back to me.”
Yeonjun’s head slipped to the side, his limbs sluggishly moving mere centimeters. Another pitiful groan could be heard very faintly, followed by slightly larger gasping breaths as Yeonjun tried to gather enough strength to open his eyes. When he finally did so the lids almost stuttered open, his pupils taking several seconds to focus before eventually falling to rest on Soobin’s expression. Yeonjun took longer than usual to absorb the sight of his lover’s features, but then a fragile smile cracked along his lips.
“Darling, please don-cry.” Soobin couldn’t help but to return a smile, his fingers continuing to gently stroke the rain away from Yeonjun’s face. The comment did nothing to stop his tears. Yeonjun’s voice didn’t have the full and confident tone that Soobin had always adored. It was frail and wavering, as if every single part of Yeonjun had been entirely drained of energy.
“*sniffle* How could you ask me not to cry right now? I-I didn’t know where you were hyung. I thought-...-I thought you were de--dea-.” Soobin couldn't manage to finish his sentence. He couldn’t suck back the sorrow as much as he knew he needed to.
“No. I wld never leave you Bunny *breath*.” Soobin’s eyes abruptly jumped to Yeonjun’s fingers as they wiggled back and forth, doing their best to sluggishly indicate that he wanted Soobin to lean closer. Yeonjun’s neck felt too stiff, his head having grown too heavy for him to move it on his own. Soobin grasped the hand Yeonjun had moved into his own and then leaned forward, inching ever closer until Yeonjun could reach. Soobin felt his love’s lips start to graze against his own, Yeonjun’s tongue just barely slipping forward into his lovers mouth. Yeonjun himself could taste the metal of Soobin’s lip ring, adoring the feeling of it rubbing against his delicate skin once again. The kiss was so unbearably gentle that Soobin added far more movement just by returning it than Yeonjun had been able to give. Even his lips felt chilled and stiff. Soobin parted just several seconds after the kiss started. It was just too difficult; like he could feel and taste everything that was wrong about it.
“What’s wrong hyung? Te-ell me how you feel.”
“I mean *breath* ben beter.” Even his words were slowed dramatically, as if his body was unable to complete any motions at a healthy pace.
“Are you in pain?”
“Not at all my love. Jus--really tired.” Alarms continued to blare inside of Soobin’s head, every fiber of his being screaming that he couldn’t afford to let his love close his eyes once again. This didn’t feel like the right time for him to rest.
“Bare with it, okay? We-we need to call Taehyun baby. Don’t you dare fall asleep!”
“Whtver you say my love.”
Soobin struggled to pull out his cell phone and found it even more difficult to type in the correct contact. His fingers were still trembling, his dexterity poisoned by the continuous fear that was beginning to make his head ache. The increasing amounts of water only made it more challenging. Soobin could tell that he was starting to feel chilled. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine how Yeonjun must have been feeling.
“Hyung, how is everything going?”
“ I-I’m with Yeonjun- he-he’s lying on the ground and-hhe wasn’t moving. So-somethings really wrong Taehyunnie.”
“Okay. Take in a slow deep breath, and then tell me what you can see hyung.” Soobin desperately clung onto every small speck of comfort that he could retain from Taehyun’s calm voice, sucking shaky breaths deep into his aching lungs. Speaking with someone that sounded so composed only served to remind Soobin that he wasn’t. He silently urged Yeonjun to do the same, continuously adding pressure to Yeonjun’s cheeks and shoulders with his palms. He did everything he could to ensure that Yeonjun remained awake throughout the call, the older watching Soobin with a sweet but increasingly sad smile as the conversation continued.
“*shaky breath* I ffound him lying on the ground Hyunnie. There’s no blood or anything, b-but he can’t move very well. He just seems le-lethargic--I guess--and hi-hi *gasp*-his breathing is really slow. He’s soaking wet.” A small sob tried to force itself out of his throat, Soobin needing to screw his eyes closed in order to force a hot painful tear past his cheek.
“Can he talk hyung?”
“Yes, but it’s all a little bit slurred together. He said he’s not hurting, but he feels really tired.”
“Okay. He’s going to be fine hyung. I just need you to listen very carefully.”
“Why-why isn’t he shivering? His skin feels so cold Hyunnie. He should be shivering right now.”
“Soobin, listen. There’s a possibility that Yeonjun hyung is suffering from hypothermia.”
“What?! No. No-no-nno. It’s not below freezing, it's-it’s not cold enough outside yet.”
“It doesn’t need to be below freezing. With the cooling temperatures and this much rain pouring down, that could potentially be enough. Especially if he’s been out there for a few hours. His body might have stopped shivering to try and conserve energy.”
“H-hypothermia? You can die from that right? Oh my god. No. Nno pplease no. CCould he be-”
“Stop right there. If Yeonjun is still awake and talking to you then it might not be that severe yet. It’s reversible, but you need to stay calm enough to listen to me very carefully hyung.”
“*breath* Okay. Wh-what do I need to do?”
“The most important thing is to get him into a dry and warm place as fast as possible, even if it’s just the Jeep for now. Find somewhere with heat, get him out of all the wet clothes, and then wrap him up in warm blankets of some kind. When you get home he can use dry warm compresses and drink a few hot drinks. Just make sure that you watch his breathing closely, and don’t let him fall asleep for a little while. The human body produces less heat when you’re sleeping.”
“Whe-when he gets warmer *gulp* he’ll-he’ll be okay right?”
“He’s gonna feel like shit for a while. He’ll probably be exhausted and you’ll need to watch him very carefully, but he’ll be fine.”
“*breath* Thank you Taehyunnie. Thank you-thank you-thank so much.”
“You don’t have to do that hyung. Just-..” There was a brief pause in Taehyun’s voice, as if he was heavily contemplating what words to say next. “…. be very careful when you move him. He won’t have the strength to help you. It’ll probably be like carrying around a heavy wet noodle, so don’t let yourself have a panic attack when you feel it. If you start freaking out you could drop him.”
“I would-never let him fall.”
“I know. *breath* You’ll take really good care of him hyung. You always have. But… please don’t make any rash decisions tonight. For me.” Soobin was given no opportunity to even begin forming a reply. Taehyun ended the call as soon as he decided that the last important word had already been said, once again leaving the couple to act on their own.
Taehyun’s words brushed across Soobin’s brain, but they got stowed away just as soon as the cellphone was. Soobin’s entire being felt frantic and rushed, his head flipping through Taehyun’s instructions and screaming that time was of the essence. He didn’t have the spare energy or consideration to give the final sentence much thought. Soobin's attention wasted no time in turning back towards Yeonjun, who was now gazing up at him with a sorrowful expression. Soobin could tell that it had been a struggle for his love to stay conscious, but he had done it anyway. His body continued to remain entirely limp, Yeonjun’s lidded eyes drifting down slightly as his head lulled to the side. Soobin let his palm slide down Yeonjun’s cheek with the rain to hold him steady, as well as to reassure himself that his hyung was still there with him. A crack of lightning struck somewhere in the distance, illuminating the scene that shattered the fracturing pieces of Soobin’s heart.
“Are you o-kay m-love?” With his face now briefly illuminated by the flash of light, Soobin could see that Yeonjun had started crying. He could have been slowly dying, but the only experience that could make him cry was watching his boyfriend be so upset and scared. While knowing that it was all his fault. A heavy sob wretched through Soobin’s throat as he saw it, the emotions so strong that it made Soobin gag. His head very briefly collapsed due to an unseen heavy pressure, one that threatened to tear his entire body to pieces before he was able to shove the feeling deep down into his chest.
“No. Nnot even remotely. But we will be baby. Just keep talking to me, and you’re bunny’s going to carry you home alright?” Soobin tried to collect every small piece of strength in his body, trying to decide what the safest way to hold Yeonjun would be. His own comfort was not even a small factor in the decision, but Soobin did know that he would need to be able to steadily support Yeonjun’s neck and legs. Potentially for a long distance depending on where his hyung had parked the Jeep this afternoon.
“Im-so sorry darling. I shouldn-ve scared you so bad. Is not good for you Bunny.”
“We-we ccan discuss my not so minor heartattack later babe.” Soobin quickly decided that it would be best to carry Yeonjun bridal style, that way he could support various parts of his bodyweight while also keeping his hyung close to a warmer body. It wouldn’t be nearly enough, but Soobin hoped that it could potentially give Yeonjun some form of warmth until they were able to reach the car. “I’m reaching under your head and knees so I can lift you bab-”
“Wait.” Soobin’s body instinctively halted everything, even though his brain was pounding that he should just ignore the words and continue acting. No matter what Yeonjun was about to say, the chances seemed high that it would be unreasonable in comparison to the value of his life.
“I don’t think we can wait my love. Taehyun said-”
“Can’t-lleave my camerab-babe. Iknow I left it smwhere-” Yeonjun's voice began to trail off, his eyes momentarily drooping to a closed position. Soobin was immediately pinching his cheeks, the sting reminding him to force them open once again. Soobin knew that was a clear indication that everyone else would’ve taken. In the end that piece of technology didn’t mean very much to Soobin, certainly not enough to risk Yeonjun’s safety for any longer. It also wasn’t his own thoughts that were important right then. To Yeonjun, that camera was just as much a part of him as his toes or fingers. It may actually mean more. Neither of them would be able to rest at night knowing that they allowed a piece of Yeonjun’s soul to get washed away with the storm.
“I’ll find it baby, but yyou have to-to keep talking to me.” Soobin did his best to lean the umbrella against Yeonjun’s chest, the now tattered plastic only covering portions of Yeonjun's neck and face. It was at least better than nothing, and it gave Soobin time to stumble around the darkened alleyway searching for any forgotten photography equipment. The entire time he made a sustained effort to keep up a constant conversation, continuously glancing back at Yeonjun to ensure his condition hadn’t changed at all. “Where did you ppark-ark the Jeep?”
“It’s-little hard to think rnow love. Probably in thestudio lot right?”
“You’re actually trying to kill me aren’t you? Why in the world woould-would you walk that far knowing that we wwere supposed to have a rainsttorm tonight?”
“-wasn’t worried about it. I like the rain.” Soobin found himself leaning his body weight into one of the large garbage bins, his brain slowly crumbling in on itself. His vision had become blurred by tears, making it unfathomably difficult to find a small camera in a torrential downpour.
“*hitch* I can safely asssure the both of us that I-I have definitely been traumatized by the rain. Hearing a single raindrop eever again might make me burst into tears from this day forward.”
“Isokaylovely. I’ll sing to you when it storms, and pet your hair. An-one day we’ll waltz through the rain together while-I kiss the panic away.” It started to feel like the world was crumbling down ontop of them, and yet some part of Yeonjun’s voice sounded like he had genuinely enjoyed this experience. To a certain degree.
“I-I don’twant you to be happy about this hyung… *tear* Why?”
“Can’t help it. Was nicefor a bit--I-*breath*-I got to watch lightning strikes in the sky.”
“Hyung-this-this conversation isn’t making me feel any better. *sniffle*” Soobin frantically rushed his hands back and forth ontop of a slightly precarious ledge, the top portion of it hidden by an overhang created by the building next door. If Yeonjun wasn’t so sick right now Soobin would’ve already slapped him. He puked inside of his mouth as a horrible thought entered his mind. For even a brief while, his boyfriend would’ve been okay if he died all alone just so that he could watch some lightning. Yeonjun could have complacently accepted never seeing his bunny again, and he had been okay with that for a brief moment. It felt like Yeonjun had chosen the ephemeral beauty of a thunderstorm over his own boyfriend.
“I don’t think Taehyunnie would’ve wanted you to get worked up, in’t right darling? Yousound-”
“Pplease, stop talking about this ffucking subject baby! I-I ccan’t find your stupid fucking camera anywhere and I-I feel like fucking shit. Fucking god, I could be-be killing my boyfriend just because I-*choke*-can’t find this fucking-”
“It’s your turn to stop now bunny. I’-promise I’m-not go’ng -o leave you.”
“Yyou can’t tell me that! Not when you’re having a hard time even saying that fucking sentence!”
“I’m going t-be okay Bbunny…”
“Just SSTOP IT!! Please just-*weeping sob*… Stop… *gasp& Let me find this goddamn camera and take you home hyung... Pplease.” A brief pause kindled throughout the soggy air for a moment, and Soobin’s heart stopped beating. His legs began to quiver, nearly collapsing into the pavement exactly where he stood. He couldn’t resume existing again until Yeonjun’s too soft, too still voice once again began trickling through the air.
“Ookay.”
“*sniffle* I-I’m sorry baby. I ddin’t mean to-to yell at you.”
“Bunny, you litrly have no reason to -- *breath*-- to be s’ry right now. You're scared. Ppanicking. Thisissmy fault. I can take responsibility… for that.”
“*gulp* That doesn’t mean I nneedd to yyell at y-you.” Soobin was less than a minute away from breaking Yeonjun’s paling heart and giving up entirely. To act first and ask for forgiveness later. He was running out of the time and mental strength to mess around with this.
“Tll me about your afternoon… darling.” Soobin sniffled as he audibly scoffed, tossing his head back in utter contempt. He knew what Yeonjun was doing. Even as his mind and reasoning had been washing out with the continually pouring rain, his organs slowing freezing inside of a chilled watery coffin, he still wanted to protect Soobin. To calm his mind in any and every way that he still knew how. To Soobin, it felt so wrong. To be mundanely discussing his afternoon at home as if nothing had happened, as his boyfriend slowly fades away behind him. He wasn’t sure how much he could handle this idea.
“...I-I didn’t do anything baby. Just ssat there-aand thought about yy-” At that very moment, as if the heavens were speaking to them both, a bright white strike of lightning broke through the thick clouds. Shattering the darkness in a brief awestriking demonstration. Soobin’s heart actually broke a little inside, his lungs hitching inside of his chest. For that brief second of illumination, Soobin had imagined Yeonjun watching it. He had imagined Yeonjun's heart soaring and sinking for something that wasn’t him, and Yeonjun thinking that this is ‘worth it’ as the unrelenting rain continued to soak into his skin. This time his feet did falter, his legs crumbling into the unforgiving concrete surface once again. It’s almost impressive how much it hurt, down to his very bones.
“Ssoobin. Bunny, ‘reyu okay?” For the first time since Soobin found him, stress was seeping through Yeonjun’s fluttering tone. His eyes had begun to droop down, his mind feeling more and more like thickening sludge with every passing second. Then he heard the crash, heard the sound of Soobin falling, and nothing could’ve gotten him back faster. Soobin’s breath was already quickening with the pace of the rain. His mind was trying to answer, but his voice wouldn’t let him. Nothing would come out, other than massively unhelpful thoughts that Soobin had no desire to entertain. “Soobin, darling.”
Another strike of lighting pierces through the air, illuminating the sky in a mirage of white light. Yeonjun wasn’t even trying to watch it this time. Soobin wasn’t either, his gaze fixed on the corner of the alley. His vision was fuzzing at the corners. Just briefly, as fleeting as the lightning was, Soobin could’ve sworn he saw something. Something that looked like a sideways little black box, just resting right there. Laying and waiting for someone to grab it. When the dense shades of darkness came back the little box was suddenly gone, but Soobin remembered it. He could remember where he had seen the hazy image, using any sense of urgency that he had left to scurry closer along the concrete.
Finding the camera honestly didn’t feel as glamorous or inspiring as Soobin thought it was going to be. There was no spotlight moment, or a picturesque movie image of the little electronic box perching and patiently waiting. It was just a small black box, blending in with the deep darkness it had fallen into, until it didn’t anymore. Then it was there. Unimpressive, and in such an obvious manner that Soobin felt stupid.
“Ffucking… *breath*” Yeonjun released a slow heavy breath of his own.
“It’s-kay buunny. Nothing’s going to happen to us. I’m- rright here.” He was. For now. Every stuttering slurred syllable seemed to be a reminder of that. It was the only thing ringing throughout Soobin’s mind. For now his one-and-only true soulmate is here, but that doesn’t have to equal the eternity that Soobin needs it to.
So just as rapidly as his brain had started scattering apart, Soobin wrapped his hands around the little camera, his stomach filling up fear and regret, and he forced himself to stand. He forced his muscles to strengthen just a little bit more, making them pretend to be strong so that he could scramble forward and safely carry them both. It was far beyond time, and he was so fucking sick and tired of the rain.
Yeonjun wasn’t, but it still felt better to have Soobin hovering above him again. To feel his presence so close by, shielding him from whatever droplets that he could. And to see his loves gorgeous, caring, yet pain-stricken face through his own hazy tilted perspective. Soobin’s cheeks were now equally as ghostly white as Yeonjun’s skin.
“Yyou need to… chill a bit my darling.”
“*scoff* If-if you ever used the world ‘chill’ aagain in your lifetime… I might just check my-myself into the psych ward.”
“Okay. You… you need to stay calm then bbunny.”
“You nneed to shut up hyung. *breathe*” Soobin swallowed what felt like a mixture of nerves and bile, his stomach still doing sickening flips as his limbs trembled. It felt like words were just tumbling out from his mouth without any thought or permission. “J-just stay still so I can carry you.” Yeonjun sniffled, very slowly nodding his head in agreement as Soobin precariously perched the camera on top of his still too motionless chest.
Soobin’s arms still had some warmth as they wrapped underneath Yeonjun, his body having more strength left than either of them expected. To Yeonjun every second felt like heaven. Soobin just wanted it to be over. Wanted to be at home, inside of their warm dry apartment, an unending cascade of fuzzy heated blankets, and with Yeonjun tightly wrapped around his torso. Safe and sound and not even a little bit close to being dead. Because as he often was, Taehyun had been right. Soobin lifted Yeonjun as carefully as he could, cuddling whatever resemblance of body heat he had left into his boyfriend’s soaked side. It wasn’t enough. Yeonjun skin felt icy to the touch. Every centimeter of his body that wasn’t directed supported by Soobin limply flopped downwards. Every ounce of his weight was resting in Soobin’s arms, was struggling to stay conscious while also trying to keep his still freaking out boyfriend sane. Every step made Soobin want to move faster, but every little centimeter also made him feel that much more burden and pressure. Taehyun told him to be prepared, to not panic. He didn’t listen. Every moment hurts more than the last, but if he falls this time Yeonjun gets hurt with him. He would do anything to not let that happen.
“*sniffle-heavy breathe* Hyung.”
“Huh?”
“Ddont close your eyes. Pplease… don’t. Not-again.”
“I wsn’t. I won’t darling.”
“You were hyung.” Even as he denied it, Yeonjun eyelids continued drooping. Soobin starts moving a little faster. “You said- *gulp*- said tthat you parked the jeep at the- at the studio lot right?”
“In’t really know darling. Probably… I think.”
“*hitch* Wh-...” Soobin’s voice faded. Finally, something inside of him stopped his tongue before the words split out.
“What darling?”
“Nnothing.” Yeonjun’s reply was too slow. Too heavy and trudging.
“Yyou can tell me mylove. I wonnt be offendeddd.”
Soobin’s breath paused, his movements doing the opposite. Yeonjun says that, but everything inside of him is telling Soobin not to. Telling him that it’s a stupid, mean, and downright cruel this to say. Something that shouldn't be excused away by how numb and static his fingers have become. Soobin thinks they’re gently cradling the back of Yeonjun’s soaked apricot hair, but he can’t feel it. His heart has skipped so many beats it’s a wonder that it’s still beating at all.
“Bbunny, are you stilll with mme?”
“*gulp* How… *cries* how could you do this hyung?” Soobin’s tone hitched upwards at the end, trembling with the force of the fresh tears clouding his only source of vision. Of their safety. His voice was too steady otherwise. “How could you so easily let yourself ggett into this condition? *gasp-choke* It’s too fucking simple hyung. You take photos, the-then you get wet and cold and go fucking indoors dumbass. *trembling breath-sniffle*” The last thing Soobin wanted to do was curse at him. Yeonjun was sick, his body overtaxed and failing. He doesn’t need this sort of burden laid onto him, and yet Soobin couldn’t stop himself once he started.
“I… I’nt know drling. I guess I just… got ttoo entranced.”
“I’m sorry hyung. I-I-I love you so fucking much-*sob*- mmore than anything.”
“I know bunny. *tear* I love you too, more than annyyy-.... thing.”
“I need you to figure this shit out baby. I-I can’t handle this. *cough-cough*”
“Shh-shh, bunny. Iknow.” Soobin could barely see. He only hoped that he was still moving closer to the car. Yeonjun was trying too hard to comfort him, trying everything that his addled mind could think of. Somehow, knowing that only felt like it hurt more.
“I-I-I-I can’t handle seeing you sick--s*COUGH*-seeing you hurt yourself. Nnot again.”
“I-I dintmean to baby. Notthistime. I ‘romise.”
“That doesn’t make it okay!!!” Soobin’s scream pierced through the air for all the wrong reasons. It was obviously not directed at Yeonjun. It was so clear. Not meant for any one person, or the situation, or even the rain that had been so desperately trying to take his soulmate away from him. It was just pure unbridled panic. Previous trauma, stress, and so much fear. It was the kind of scream that resulted from being scared out of your mind, because you just love the other person that much. And Yeonjun hated every second of it. Even if it made Soobin’s feelings about him lessen, he would’ve done anything to make sure that Soobin never had to feel that way.
“Bunny…”
“I’m sorry bbaby. I’m sorry-I’msorr-I’msosorry. I don’t wanna yell at you. I-I-I-I-I-I don’t wwanna to make you feel bbad.”
“You’re nnnot…. Youcoudnever.” Soobin couldn't believe him at the moment, but Yeonjun meant it. With his entire soul. Soobin’s words may be able to hurt his feelings, but feeling bad was something entirely different. His entire body only felt filled with lead, mentally and physically, every second hanging inside of his brain like an ailment. But Yeonjun didn’t have to think very hard to know. Soobin was only speaking out of fear, out of experience. Because sometimes, somehow, no matter how hard he tries not to… eventually… Yeonjun’s reasoning always leaves him behind. He always gets hurt, eventually. Sometimes it’s on purpose, and sometimes it’s not, and then sometimes it was a legitimate accident-that Yeonjun just didn’t exactly try very hard to stop. It seemed stupid now, but Yeonjun had never realized how deeply his actions had hurt Soobin. The one person that he truly loves more than anything. The only reason he continues to wake up and love living every single morning. He had been hurting him too, for so long… and it took nearly freezing death of hypothermia in order to realize that. Yeonjun had never felt heavier. Never felt more sorrowful, enlightened, and regretful in his entire life.
Soobin was audibly struggling to suck back his tears. To stop sobbing, stop spilling his heart out at the worst fucking moments. The last thing his sick boyfriend had needed was this.
“*cough-looong breath* Ggod… what the fuck am I doing?” Soobin actually started laughing, his tone unnaturally twisting and dropping with every chuckle. “Mmaybe I really have lost it.” When Soobin had angrily stormed out of his last job, he never would’ve imagined he would soon be proving his ex-boss right. In less than a week.
“Bbunny… no. You’re--.... You’re right. I-I haven’t been very kinddd to myself… or toyou. I really am so-so srry bunny. I fucking love you, so much. I’m gonna wrk on nit. Really..”
“I-I sshouldn’t have brought it up hyung. Right now, *gulp*- I only need you to focus on not-not dying in my arms. You think I’m fucked up now… just want unntill that happenss.”
Yeonjun’s giggling is too gentle, too soft and hushed. “HowcldI evr die when you’re aggressively having a… … very vvocal panic aattack right nexxt to me.” The comment probably didn’t mean that much to Yeonjun, something his brain only barely came up with in passing. To Soobin it meant the world. It described exactly what had been happening, exactly how he was feeling, in words that Soobin hadn’t come to himself.
After what felt like actual eons, finally Soobin could hear the loose gravel of the studio’s parking lot crunching under his toes. His toes kept finding potholes, every single one reaffirming his mind that while frantically jogging, weak, hyperventilating, and half-blind, he had somehow made it to the right place. Lady luck may not have abandoned them entirely. Soobin’s vision was still hazy around the edges, blurred and wobbling from steadily dripping tears. It was still difficult to look around and see the jeep immediately, so instead he rushed around the mostly empty parking lot just as hurriedly. Just as hastily and wild, because it has to be here. It has to be. There’s nowhere else that the car reasonably could be.
Then again, Yeonjun wasn’t well known for acting reasonably.
It truly felt like the heavens were finally smiling down upon them when Soobin managed to unceremoniously stumble into the Jeep, quite literally. The Jeep’s steel harshly collided into his battered skin. It hurt more than he would ever admit, but it didn’t even matter. It was here. The car was here, the keys stabbing into Soobin’s ribcage through Yeonjun’s thin pocket.
“Ookay. Okay, we’re-we’re close hyung. Just, just a few more momentss.”
“Hmm.” Soobin spoke for himself just as much as he did for Yeonjun. Several stumbling moments passed, Soobin floundering for the keys and struggling to open the back door as distraught sniffles echoed throughout the air.
The moment Soobin opened the door he leaned Yeonjun in first. The sound of beautiful soft pitters started echoing against the ceiling instead of his clothes. There was a cushioned comfortable surface behind his torso. The very air felt different, and Yeonjun’s entire body sank with relief. He hadn’t realized that a little, all-be-it smaller bit of him, had been missing this.
“Just-just hold on hyung. Stay awake okay? I’mmm going to turn on tthe car.”
“Hmm…” Suddenly, forming words had become so much harder. Soobin’s footsteps rapidly clicked against the gravel as he ran around the car, thrusting the front door open before shoving the beaten up key into the ignition. Honestly? Yeonjun only remained motivated for Soobin’s sake. Being here felt infinitely harder without him, instantly not as worth it to labor through consciousness as it was before. The sinking feeling striking apart the inside of his chest felt too familiar. It all happened too quickly as Yeonjun realized, he feels this way a lot without Soobin’s presence, Not just when he’s weak, but when he’s strong too. Whenever he puts his jacket on and steps outside for work in the morning. The world becomes harder, heavier. Overwhelming without the person he loves beside him.
Soobin could hear Yeonjun coughing, silent tears dripping past his cheeks in the backseat as the engine sputtered to life. With a few dial turns the heater was easily cranked to max. It almost felt too laughably simple. As if all the struggle and heartache until this point was useless.
Just as quickly as that thought had arrived, Soobin was distracting himself by rushing away from it. Yeonjun wasn’t safe yet. Wasn’t dry, wasn’t wrapped tightly into a suffocating warmth. Soobin still had too much work to do before relaxing inside of his own stress, which honestly felt like his permanent state of living on most days.
The door crashed behind Soobin as he scooted into the back of the car, both now sheltered and protected by each other's presence just as much as they were by the object. Both in ways that they couldn’t have explained only a couple hours before.
“Ookay, okay llets get you these wet clothes off of you. I-I think… you probably have a set of practice clothes somewhere right?”
“Mmm.” Yeonjun’s head flopped to the side as Soobin started scoring around the back seat. His mind felt so dense, so mushy, and also more full with thoughts than it had in a very long time.
“Bbaby, if you ddon’t start talking with words I’m going to start screaming at you again.” Soobin stuttered less with that sentence. Yeonjun was for the 100th time reminded that his heart soars like this every-single-time that he hears his love’s voice.
“You cld… you knowww.”
“Yeah…” Soobin gulped. He knew it had been stupid to say all those things. “Well, I don’t want to so… sshape up already damn it.”
Yeonjun’s laughter was practically inaudible this time.
“You jst wntto get me naked then.” Soobin audibly stuttered as he saw the fuzzy outlines of a familiar black drawstring bag hidden beneath the front seat. Just as he had hoped, a set of jet black shorts and a white sleeveless tank top was hurriedly shoved inside. The clothing smelled awful and was damp with sweat, but it was still infinitely dryer than anything that either of them currently wore.
“Hmm… get naked for me then and we-we’ll see if you’re right hyung.” Yeonjun was actually smiling, ear to ear. The most at peace and genuinely content that he had felt in a long time.
He couldn’t exactly help extensively, but without any contest Yeonjun let Soobin undress him. It was done just as unabashedly unkempt as the younger had split his heart out before. The only way that Soobin really knew how to do anything under this much duress, and yet… for the first time all evening Yeonjun didn’t see any tears actively dripped past his swollen and stained cheeks. Soobin wasn’t shouting, or sobbing, or sorrowfully apologizing with such guilt and regret ridden throughout every syllable. He wasn’t calm either, but something somewhat closer to it than he was before.
“Ccan I askew sothing Bbunny?”
“*sniffle* I-If it means that you’ll stop closing your eyes and let me cuddle you, then yes.” Yeonjun actually found the strength to nod, shocking even himself with the action. He still felt just as exhausted as before. The jeep’s heater was ancient, barely puffing out any warmer air at this point. Maybe it was only because Soobin was there, close-by, and had successfully gotten Yeonjun naked in the backseat. But even with just this much, Yeonjun’s heart… his bones already felt a little bit warmer. Yeonjun had almost forgotten what that felt like. Without any warning, at least not one that Yeonjun could process, Soobin was taking his own drippy soaked shirt off, his pants being thrown as far as possible next. Then the two were practically on-top of each other, skin-to-skin. Sharing body heat through a method that Soobin had 100% seen in a movie over the course of the past week. Previously found dirty clothes already forgotten.
“Do-do you rem-mber leaving Ansan?”
“*breathe* This is rreally whatyou want to talk about hyung? Now?”
“Yes.”
“*heavy sigh* Of course I remember… My parents were sso upset.”
“Yeah… they ffforgave you-- though.”
“Yours didn’t.”
“Ehh, neverthought they were going to.” The words hung through the air for a moment, both of them flashing back to that time. Something they couldn’t forget, no matter how desperately they had been trying to for a very long time now. “I-I…. I’ve-I didn’t…… Back then… I was so grateful thtyou followed me.”
“Hyung… of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?”
“C-”
“Baby, my-my-my entire being is actually killing me slowly rnow.” You still feel too cold inside of my grasp. Soobin had almost said that, but he stopped himself. He’d done enough to make Yeonjun feel like shit already. “My knees are scrapped all to hell… I-I have bruises everywhere. I don’t really wanna talk about this right now.”
“Then don't. I just….. I need to know tht I told you. Evn though I’ve meant to-I’ve alwys done a supershittyjob at repaying you for what you did for me. You’ve given me way too much my darling. I thought thaat keep-keepining you safe and calm would be enough. It’snot. Not by a long shot.”
“It should be. Keeping me even remotely calm is like, a herculean-sized task baby. Even I know that I’m a fucking mess...” Soobin cuddled Yeonjun's chest into his own even tighter, as if just saying the words had made him feel more anxious.
“Clearly I am too bunny.”
“No shit.” This time, Soobin could hear the laugh. Little and tired, but real and so-so sweet. It seeped in through his ears like music.
“I’m srry I never kept true to my intentions…. That I acted selfishly back then. That I keep doing things forme an- me alone. I’m sorry that I keep doing this to you.”
“Hyung seriously, stop. Pleease. You don’t need to apologize. You never have needed to never-never will. I followed you because I wanted to hyung. Because I love you too much for your own good. You ddon’t owe me anything. *gulp*”
“Ccan I be selfish one more time then? For the last time… and I rlly truely mean it this time.” Soobin could finally feel some warmth sinking into Yeonjun’s body. He finally started to feel like a legitamate living human again, allowing Soobin’s entire being to start complacently melting away. And Yeonjun, he actually thought his head might feel totally crystal clear. More shiny and new than it had even before the rain tried to wash him away.
“What the fuck are you even going on about?”
“Soobin, my love… My Bunny… ”
“Baby? Y-you’re scaring me.” The moment Yeonjun spoke, all that worried fear was instantly siphoned away. It dripped through the floor with their chill and wet hair, being replaced with pure and utter shock.
“Will you run away with me again?”