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“What am I even doing here?
I’ll tell you what I’m doing here: we got people wounded at Thunder Mountain, I’m in the middle of building a freaking army, we’re on the cusp of war with Daniel’s group and…and I’m stuck here in a swamp, in the middle of the night…being eaten alive.
Why? I’ll tell you why.
Because I loved her, because I didn’t want to let go, because I haven’t let go even after all this time. I didn’t …let myself talk about her, didn’t think about it.
She’s gone…she’s gone…she’s gone.
I don’t think I realised until right now, how badly I was holding on or much I need to let her go, or I can’t be what she wanted me to be, what she can never be locked in that room…and that’s; free.”
Markus’ words ran through him again and again. He wanted to kick himself for turning back that night, leaving Smith the only one to get his wish. Then he wanted to kick himself for that thought.
Markus didn’t believe in the supernatural, only what was flesh and blood.
Markus didn’t believe in God.
Markus didn’t believe he would get a break in the entire calamity that had become the world.
But if he had of stayed, was there a chance he could have had Meaghan back?
For the first time, since she had fallen, he came to terms with what he had felt for Meaghan. How much he really did care for Meaghan. For the first time realising how much he had lost now that she was gone.
True, they had never had any physical affection, being cruelly separated by glass and fear, but Markus knew that there was something very special between the two of them. Something that seemed even the Big Death could not come between.
When the Big Death occurred, he was one of the oldest children who survived. From the sanctuary of the Mountain, he watched the world crumble. Watching his parents die in each other’s arms, knowing there was nothing he could do.
Perhaps that is why he decided to help her and keep her alive. When he had first met her, he had been intrigued and more than a little frightened. An orphaned child in the World of Orphaned Children with great power no child should have.
Before he had wondered why he never killed her off. It would have been a logical move in keeping Thunder Mountain safe, one that not even Meaghan would have begrudged. But now he knew why. She had been an interesting case, that’s for sure. But even from that very first moment of meeting her, he knew she was more special than anyone, even than Erin.
The moment he laid his eyes on the woman, a friendship was started. A bond that Markus knew he would never have with another person. He could tell her anything and she would listen. Not just because she was trapped in the room, but also because she cared for his kindness.
Kindness of which her sanity depended; Markus brought her books, clothes and trinkets from the outside world. As well as food. Even though she must have put pressure on the not endless resources of the Mountain, he still brought her things she needed and wanted. But most importantly; his time. He was a very busy man with precious time to spare. So taking the time he did have out to talk to her was really something.
But now, she’s gone. She’s gone from her room. Markus had not been able to return there since she had stepped out to secure the survival of the Mountain. He could not bear to return to the window where he had watched her smile or laugh from. A window whose sole occupance cared for parts of him no one else valued. A window, where he held up his palm on the window and she returned it. Wanting, needing to feel physical connection. And now she was gone...
The river swallowing her up as if she never existed.
“I kept her safe for fifteen years.” Markus told no one. “Fifteen years ago…” Markus sighed, rubbed his hand through his hair.
Then he lifted his head to the ceiling. “This is enough now, okay? Enough! Meaghan was trapped in that room. She could never be free. She was safe, but not free. I loved her more than anyone I’ve ever met, but we could never truly have each other.” He stopped and breathed, forcing air into his lungs, while refusing the tears that threatened to form in the corner of his eyes.
In barely more than a whisper, Markus choked out. “What happened to Smith, I don’t know. But I know I wouldn’t have gotten her back. Hers was one life that should have been lost a long time ago. The dead don’t come back. I’m not angry. I’ve just had enough. Enough.”
The word stung his mind. Forcing air down deep, he stood up. His hand was on the doorknob without thinking and before he knew it, he was standing in Meaghan’s room.
“Meaghan, I just wanted to say that I love you. More than anyone else. But I do think it is time to say goodbye now. I hope this is enough of a goodbye and that you think of me. Doubtless I’ll be up there soon with you anyway…”
Staring through the glass into he room, he took in every detail. Each dress, each book, each prize. Each smelled of her. The room smelled of her, as if she was still there. He placed his palm flat on the window as he had done before. The closest to touching they had ever gotten. He imagined her palm touching it back. And looking up to where he expected her smile to be, he could almost see it. In fact, he could see it.
Tears streamed down his face as she smiled down at him, mouthed the word ‘goodbye’ and suddenly Markus felt alone.
Nothing had physically changed in the room, but Markus knew she was now gone. It felt empty. He removed his palm, letting her go. The phantom imprint of his hand fading away as her essence faded away. Breathing deeply, he knew that it was enough and now he had work to do.
It came as a surprise to him when he found Smith outside of the door. He had the serene look he sometimes held. Smith gently placed both his hands on Markus’ shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. “You don’t need to feel bad now, God told me that Meaghan is now at peace and is now watching over you as you did her. You gave enough of a goodbye to help her move on, letting her be free.”
Markus raised his eyebrows and stepped away, not wanting to be in such close contact with the man ever again. As he moved away, Markus looked up and whispered, “I will miss you.”