Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Kris can't sleep.

How could they? The last few days have been hell for them, and the loud sound of the music and the laughter downstairs surely aren't helping.

Their problems started years ago, when December Holiday disappeared. That was the night they secretly followed Dess and Asriel to Hometown's shelter.

They’d noticed how the two snuck out weekly, so one night Kris, being the nosy kid that they were, decided to follow them.
They’d slipped inside just as the door clicked shut, expecting to catch Asriel and Dess by surprise doing something they shouldn't. They hadn't expected to find a whole different world confined in the bunker.

That was the day they first entered a dark world but their memories about what occurred inside it are mostly obfuscated. Except for the most important part: it was all their fault. THEY led that creature right to Dess, THEY stood frozen while that same creature attacked her and killed her, and THEY did nothing while it ripped and devoured their soul.

The memories of what happened next are a jumbled mess. They remember Asriel’s desperate cries, their inability to speak for a whole year and the therapy sessions that they attended regularly after that accident.

When they finally spoke again nothing improved. Their parents divorced, they distanced themselves from Noelle and then from everyone else.
It was like they’d died in that bunker too, and what walked around now was just a hollow thing wearing their face.

The only person they still spoke to openly was Asriel. Partly because he was the only other person at the time who knew about what happened, but mostly because they thought he was the only one that understood them and the only one who could ever forgive them for what they'd done.
Shit! Not even they could forgive themselves; how were their parents, or Noelle, or Rudy, or Carol supposed to?

When Asriel left for college, things got worse. The depression deepened. That numb, passive feeling grew stronger.

They tried to deal with it by self-harming, but that only ever brought temporary satisfaction followed by even more shame.

Eventually, they just… gave up. Accepted it.
Accepted that they were a fuck-up.
Accepted that they had no one.
Accepted all the taunts and insults that came from Susie since they deserved those.

Then, two months ago, something happened.
Their mother sent them to Asgore’s shop to pick up some forgotten paperwork. But when they opened the door, their father wasn’t there. Instead, they found Carol Holiday, standing stiffly among the flowers.

“Good evening, Kris.” Said the doe coldly. “Asgore didn't inform me of your presence today.”
Kris stared at her for a few seconds before uttering meekly. “H- Hi, Carol.”
They were staring at one of the flower pots near her. After what happened to Dess, they physically couldn't bring themselves to look her in the eyes for more than a few seconds. “I only have to pick up something for mom then I'll be gone”.

Carol's only answer was a slight nod.
Kris took a seat.

The silence that followed was suffocating. Time crawled. They hadn't seen Carol in years and had heard from others how she had become cold over the years but seeing who they once viewed as an aunt barely acknowledging them broke their heart. And it was their fault that she became like that.

At that moment, guilt hit them harder than ever.
They started sobbing.
Carol turned around, surprised at the human’s sudden outburst “Are you... alright?”
Because of them Carol and Rudolph lost their daughter, Noelle lost her sister and Asriel lost the girl he loved.

Then, without thinking, they revealed everything to Carol amidst tears.

They watched her face shift from confusion to anger and then to grief, before she turned away. When they finished, she didn’t speak. She just walked out.

Kris knew she wouldn't forgive them, wouldn't even believe them probably, but they were happy that they could finally tell the truth to someone else.

A week passed. Nothing changed. Noelle acted normal. Their mother didn’t mention anything. Maybe Carol hadn’t told anyone.

Then, as they lay in bed, their phone buzzed:

The music downstairs has stopped, but Kris still can't sleep

The day they went to the Holiday manor, they didn't know what to expect. But long story short: Carol already knew about the Dark Worlds. In fact, she had been the one to tell Dess about them, who then told Asriel. What she hadn’t known was the real story of that night. The version of the truth that Asriel had told her in private carefully omitted any mention of Kris’ role in her daughter’s death.

But Carol hadn't screamed at them. Instead, she wanted to make a deal with them.

She told them all she knew about the other word's secrets. For years, she’d been working on a way to bring Dess back. And now, finally, she’d found it.

She just needed Kris’ help.

So for weeks, they’d snuck into the Holiday manor in secret, conducting experiments, poring over research. This was how they found out about the Soul: how it is a gateway to another universe, how it had replaced their own soul when they’d lost it that night in the bunker. They didn’t know why someone had put it inside them. Only that it was the reason they were still alive and that it was the key to Carol's plan. That's why their goal, other than occasionally helping with the dark fountains, was to keep the Soul under control.

For the first time in years, Kris had purpose. A chance to make things right.

So they endured it all: the atrocities Carol committed in the name of their mission, things they didn’t let themself question. The constant battle against the Soul’s control even when it tried to do good. The lies they had to tell to their new friends.

They were hopeful, until what happened in Cyber World.

Suddenly their phone rings
They growl. Who the hell could be calling me at 4 a.m.

But their heart stops for a few seconds when they see that the one calling them is Noelle.

They stare at the screen for a few seconds, unable to move.

Why is she calling me? Maybe it's because of the festival… But why this late at night?

After their phone rings for almost a minute, they reluctantly decide to answer it.

Silence. Only Kris’ shaky breaths fill the air until-

“Hey Kris!” Noelle’s voice is flat, stripped of its usual warmth. “I'm outside, wanna come?”

Their pulse spikes. Why is she here? Did I mess her up so badly she couldn’t wait till morning? A surge of anger. Damn that fucking parasite. Why did it have to use Noelle? All I wanted was to fix what I did to Dess, but now I’ve hurt her sister too.

“Kris, please. Answer me.”

Their throat tightens “Noelle… what are you doing here at this time?”

“I wanted to talk with you, Kris. Right now”

‘Why don't we talk tomorrow? It's really late and I want to go to bed. You should too.” Kris says, hoping that the conversation would die there. Unfortunately for them, it doesn't.

“Please Kris.” Her voice cracks with tears. “You can't just treat me like shit and then ignore me.”

“I’m sorry.” Their own tears threaten to spill. “Tomorrow, I swear-”

“You’re a liar.” Her sobs intensify. “You promised to protect me, but you hurt me the most. Just- just talk to me. Please.”

Kris opens their mouth to refuse, then stops.

Carol said to keep Noelle in the dark… but the Soul already dragged her into this. I can’t undo what happened, but I can tell her the truth. Maybe we could find a solution to the problem together.

“I’m…” They glance at the pale, dormant Soul. “...coming.”

“Thank you, Kris.” Relief seeps into her voice.

The Soul’s glow is faint, not the usual vivid red. Carol had said its control wasn’t constant. It had never reactivated suddenly at night (except in the TV World, and that was planned). Still, Kris hesitates before putting it back into their chest and slipping out the window.

The doe’s face lights up when they land on the ground.

“Noelle, I need to tell you-”

She crushes them in a hug before they can finish. “Thank you.” She whispers, tears soaking into their sweater. Kris stiffens, then slowly hugs back.

When they pull away, Kris tries again. “There’s something I-”

Noelle presses a hand to their mouth. “Me first.” Her mood shifts unnervingly fast. The tears are gone, replaced by an almost angry look. “I called you here.” She turns around. “We’re talking somewhere private. Follow me.” She heads towards the woods.

“It’s dark. We could get lost.” Kris mutters.

“Oh please. We played here all the time as kids.”

They're not used to how Noelle is acting, but they decide to follow her anyway.

Minutes pass in silence, broken only by the crunch of leaves underfoot. Noelle weaves between the trees, occasionally pausing and changing her direction.

She begged me to come talk. So why isn’t she saying anything?

Kris’ earlier resolve withers. The silence grows unbearable, thick like smoke in their throat. The cold air gives them goosebumps.

Even if she believes me… will she ever look at me the same?

Noelle stops abruptly. “Remember playing here as kids?” Her voice is soft and nostalgic. “I miss that. Do you?”

The enby is caught by surprise by the sudden sentimental question, before slowly nodding.

“Nice to know that.” Noelle replies. “If Dess were here, I would've invited her too. And Asriel.”

Kris’ chest constricts at Dess’s name. She doesn’t know it’s my fault.

Noelle’s voice hardens. “Dess’ disappearance left me devastated. But I held onto the hope that you’d be there for me. Like always.” She stops and faces Kris, tears glinting. “But you weren’t.”

They feel as if they were stabbed. “I-I’m s-sorry-”

“Why?” She steps closer. “I tried to stay close, Kris. You pushed me away.”

This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I was going to explain, to fix things-

“Sorry… I’m… sorry.”

Noelle’s face twists. “That’s all you can say? You ignored me for years and only came back recently to use me.” She grips their sweater collar, shaking. “Did you ever care?!”

“I do!” Kris grips her shoulders, tears falling freely. “I swear!”

“THEN WHY?!” She screams amidst sobs. “WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY DID YOU HURT ME?!”

Kris breaks. Their voice shakes as they confess it all: Dess, the horrors of the Dark Worlds, and their own role in her death.

“So.” Her voice is lethally calm. “You’re saying you didn’t just hurt me. You killed my sister.”

Suddenly, she surges forward, grabbing their sweater’s collar and pinning them down.
“We can bring her back!” Kris blurts out as fast as they can.

Noelle freezes and then pulls back. “What?”

“Carol has a plan. We can fix this. Trust me.”

Noelle stares while Kris scrambles to explain. "I care about you, I swear I do. After what happened to Dess… the guilt was eating me alive. I couldn't… if I hurt you too..." Their hands tremble violently. "That's why I stayed away. I couldn't bear to hurt you too.”

Noelle keeps staring impassively before saying: “If you care so much, why did you hurt me these last few days?”.

After the question, they remove the Soul and hold it in their hands. “This made me hurt you. It’s not mine, it controls me.”

Noelle shouts: “Then how can I know that it's actually you talking instead of that thing?”

“Don't worry, I can manage to keep it under control.” They point at the soul in their hand. “See? When it's not inside of me it can't control me.”

However, Noelle’s expression doesn’t change. They stare at each other for a few seconds, the silence being interrupted only by the leaves’ rustle.

“Then why didn’t you do this before?” Her eyes penetrate them. “In the Cyber World? At my house?”

Kris falters, unable to speak.
Why didn’t I? I felt powerless, but… I could’ve tried.

“You liked it.” Noelle’s laugh is hollow. “You wanted to hurt me.”

"NO!" The word tears from their throat, raw and ragged. She's wrong, I hated every second of it. "I wasn’t in control at those times. I couldn't! I tried, I swear I-"

"Oh, how convenient," she spits, each word dripping with venom. "Always in control except when it matters.”

Sobs wrack Kris' body as their knees hit the dirt with a thud. If I really cared, wouldn't I have fought harder? Found another way? But I didn't-Their arms lock around Noelle's legs, "Please… please," they choke out between gasping breaths, "I never wanted… I'll never… Forgive me! I beg you!”

But their crying outburst doesn’t move her. “Before, I was scared of you.” She tilts her head. “Now? You’re just pathetic.”

Kris wants to be angry at her hurtful comment but can't. She’s right

Noelle crouches, cupping their chin. “However, there's something you can do to make me forgive you.”

“I'd do anything!”

“Really, anything?” Her thumb brushes their cheek, smearing tears.

“Anything.” They confirm desperately.

“I’ve been so stressed lately. Dad’s sick. Mom’s stressing me out. And then this-” She gestures vaguely. “I need… relief.”

Kris doesn’t understand, until Noelle hikes up her skirt.