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Tsukishima Kei was 8 years old when he first met Yamaguchi Tadashi.
He thought he was pathetic. That the tiny, green-haired freckled boy couldn’t even stand up for himself.
And then a few days later, they became friends.
~~
Tsukishima Kei was 14 years old when he first went on a date with Tadashi.
“You got issues,” Tadashi whispered. The wind was cool and the grass was soft and wet, and the volleyball was thrown at a side, forgotten. “And you’ve got too many walls up, Tsukki.”
For once, Tsukishima didn’t bite back with a witty retort or “Shut up, Yamaguchi.” They were sitting on the bench looking at the stars. He could feel the warmth of Tadashi’s thigh pressing onto his, the white mist that left his mouth whenever he opened his pretty pink lips. It was cold, and snow had just begun to fall. Tsukishima thought it was kind of romantic, actually.
~~
Tsukishima Kei was 15 years old when he kissed the love of his life under the stars.
He was breathtakingly beautiful. Tsukishima wanted to kiss every single freckle dotted across Tadashi’s smooth skin.
His face was the universe and his eyes were the suns and his freckles were the stars, scattered in the galaxy. It became his obsession, staring at the little black dots peppered across his best friend’s face. “Why aren’t you guys dating?” Akiteru asked him one day. Tsukishima didn’t answer, but he felt the pang in his heart.
He was in love.
~~
“I’m going to set you and Yamaguchi up,” Yachi told him a few weeks later. “I can’t take this sexual tension any longer.”
They took a bus there together. It was a tiny bustling cafe, with quiet background noise and the amazing aroma of coffee and pastries.
Tsukishima thought that it didn’t really suit them. He liked the dates under the stars more. But Tadashi was happy, and he couldn’t stop smiling, the suns in his eyes lighting up and curving into identical moon crescents. His freckles shone.
They talked about volleyball and math and coffee and stars. Tadashi sneaked tiny smiles at Tsukishima, blushing ever-so-slightly. He made Tsukishima smile, every day. Tsukishima loved him.
They held hands under the sunlight.
~~
Tsukishima Kei was 15 years old when he started dating Yamaguchi Tadashi.
It was the most amazing experience he had had in his lifetime.
~~
They were 17 years old when Tsukishima watched Tadashi deteriorate. Bags under his eyes, undone homework, picking at nails, constant scratching.
It freaked Tsukishima out, to see his boyfriend so unsettled. It was so out of character for him. He knew something was wrong, but he didn’t push when Tadashi refused to talk about it.
Tadashi became more easily irritated, snapping at his friends and then apologising after. Something was going on, and Tsukishima wanted to fucking help his boyfriend, but whenever he tried to pry, he was knocked away.
Tsukishima felt like a worthless piece of shit. He’d never felt that way before.
~~
Tadashi quit the volleyball club. They were barely talking now, he and Tsukishima. Tsukishima wanted to cry. He hadn’t cried in a long time.
It didn’t take long for him to lash out. Tsukishima had tried to corner him in the hallway, but Tadashi didn’t respond. Something in him snapped.
“Do you want to break up?” Tadashi froze. Tsukishima froze too. His blood felt like ice, but skin on fire. He wanted to breathe but he couldn’t and his lungs refused to move, his chest felt tight. You’re the pathetic one, the voice in his hear sneered. He saw the first time he saw Tadashi, crying at the playground. He saw the galaxies and he saw the stars, his freckles.
“Okay,” Tadashi said.
His heart was going to burst.
Tsukishima hated himself.
Nothing else to say, he shut his eyes and walked away.
~~
Tsukishima wakes up in the dead of night to his phone ringing. His phone displays Tadashi, still with the star attached to it. Ignoring the sharp pang of sadness that makes him jolt, Tsukishima wonders if his ex-boyfriend regretting saying yes.
“Tadashi? …It’s 2am in the morning.”
“Sorry, is this Tsukishima Kei, boyfriend of Yamaguchi Tadashi?”
Tsukishima’s heart rate picks up. That’s not Tadashi.
“Y- uh, no, we actually… we broke up just recently. Did… did something happen to him?”
The speaker at the other end of the phone makes an affirming noise, so soft that Tsukishima barely registers it. There’s a long silence when he’s rifling through the possibilities of whatever happened to Tadashi. Injured? Missing? Maybe even-
He coughed, clearing the scattered thoughts away. Without warning, the speaker talks again. His voice is laced with gentle, soothing tones. Something is wrong, Tsukishima knows and his worst suspicions are confirmed when the personnel takes a breath and speaks.
“I’m so sorry that you had to find out like this, but… Yamaguchi Tadashi has passed away at 1.47am, on August 23.”
~~
Tsukishima Kei was 15 years old when his whole world came crashing down.
~~
It was suicide.
Everything was a blur at the funeral. Tsukishima had started crying within the first 15 minutes, ran to the bathroom and puked. He couldn’t, he couldn’t take it anymore. Tadashi, lying in a black suit trapped in a half lidded coffin. Tadashi, who always got the same order at the same cafes. Tadashi, who had freckles like the stars. Tadashi, whom Tsukishima had loved.
I still love you, he said, over and over and over again. I still love you, so please come back. I still love you, it wasn’t supposed to happen, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
I made him go, he thought. I didn’t tell him that I loved him.
I didn’t help him when he was struggling. I should have tried harder.
The last thing he needed was a breakup.
I’m so pathetic. It’s all my fault.
I still love him.
~~
Tsukishima finds himself in the Karasuno High gymnasium again, standing at the service line with a volleyball in his hands. He’d quit the club after Tadashi’s death.
He looks down at it, tracing a thumb over the familiar ridges. Tadashi used to stand here, every match. He can still picture him pinch serving for the first time in a real match, face scrunched with anxiety and stress. And then he’d grown so much, scoring a whole 10 points for his team. Tsukishima was glowing.
The memory fades and a high-pitched ringing sound fills the gym. It’s Tsukishima’s phone — Tadashi’s mother is calling. He wonders what she wants now.
“Tsukishima? I need you to come over. We’ve found something that you might want to see.”
Ah.
~~
He steps into of the threshold of Tadashi’s used-to-be house, because he doesn’t have a house anymore. He’s dead.
It’s been 3 months, and Tadashi’s parents finally have had the courage to look through his old room. When Tsukishima enters the room, he’s struck by how familiar it looks. Nothing has changed – Tadashi’s jersey still hangs on the wall by the door, his white cap hooked on the corner of his computer monitor. The set of 24 watercolour pencils Tsukishima had gotten for his birthday are still on full display on his desk, red pencil still sticking in the sharperner. And beside it, there’s a letter.
It’s white, A4 printing paper that Tadashi always drew on because he refused to buy himself proper art supplies. He had always been a frugal spender, that boy. The star stickers he refused to use since 13 years old, they were stuck all over the paper envelope that Tadashi had probably searched online to learn to fold. Tsukishima didn’t want to look at anything else; it brought back memories. Still, he pocketed the letter, took one last look at the room, and left.
At the place where they had their first date, Tsukishima sits down and reads.
It’s lonely, sitting on that part bench alone without Tadashi.
He reads and he cries, crying for his best friend to come back, to his first crush, first boyfriend, first ex-boyfriend, first person he loved, first person who had died in his life.
Tsukishima feels like a part of his soul has left with Tadashi. Partial coconut, he thinks, and then laughs bitterly. God, he misses him. He wants to apologise, for ending things and for not being there for him. Tsukishima hates himself so, so much. Why did he act blindly on the spur of the moment? You thought you were doing the right thing and it was what Tadashi wanted, but-
But the stars were beautiful in the sky, and they reminded him of his freckles.
They shone pretty bright, particularly tonight.
“Tsukki, how do you think I’ll die?”
Tsukishima snorted. “Probably doing something stupid.”
Tadashi’s twinkling laughter filled the air.
“If I die, though, you promise you won’t forget me?”
Tsukishima hummed, brushing a finger over his boyfriend’s freckles.
“...I won’t forget you, Tadashi.”