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Tiffany didn’t expect that this would be how she met her again. That she was going to ever meet her again, period. But here she was, and here they were.
It was supposed to be another normal day for her, really. She went to work, tripped on her way to the elevator like she always did, and when the lunch break came around, she grabbed her usual coffee order and went for a lazy walk around the park nearby until it was her time to go back to work. And that’s where she met Jessica Jung, like a ghost (totally not a blast) from the past.
Tiffany knew, realistically, that it was stupid to be still upset about how things ended between them all those years ago. God, how long was that? Seven years? Yes, it’s been several years since she last saw her. And here she was, looking at Tiffany with a slight surprise in her eyes and the beginning of a smile on her lips. She was also walking over to her. And her belly was… not how Tiffany remembered it.
“Hi, Steph!” Jessica told her with that pretty voice of hers and those dark eyes that smiled at her, which were still as soft as Tiffany remembered.
Tiffany tried to keep it together; she really did. But it was kinda hard when her ex-girlfriend (first-ever girlfriend, first love, first almost everything) was standing in front of her, looking too pregnant and too happy to see her. Was she in the Twilight Zone right now?
Because in the last memory Tiffany had of her – well, the last memory when they were still talking to each other – Jessica didn’t look happy, and her dark eyes weren’t soft anymore, and she was just… Sad. And a bit angry. Tiffany broke up with her on that day.
It was… not her best moment, but not for that reason. She was just very upset and angry herself, and while Jessica was always Tiffany’s first love, Tiffany was never Jessica’s. She knew that, of course she did. Jessica’s eyes, whenever she stared at Tiffany, were always filled with affection and adoration but never love. And it really hurt; Tiffany couldn’t lie here.
And, hell! She was pregnant? Jessica, who’d always tell her how her name and “kids” could never go in the same sentence? How was that even possible? How could she look so mature all of a sudden – well, not really, – so steady, so sure of herself and her life when Tiffany felt like a damn mess right now? She looked like she didn’t break her heart (her stupid, fragile heart), albeit unintentionally, all those years ago and give her some relationship trauma and a bit of trust issues?
“… Hi, Jessi.”
And okay, fine, they were kids back then. How old were they, 17? 18? Something like that. But Tiffany knew that it wasn’t really about the age; it was never about the age, and Jessica has always been bad with feelings and all that.
Tiffany could still remember it vividly: herself, with wet eyes and tear-stained cheeks, and Jessica, with lips bitten to blood and fists clenched.
“But why, Steph? I thought we were good together. We were always having a good time. What did I do wrong?”
Tiffany loved having a good time, but she always wanted more than that. She wanted Jessica to love her back, but Jessica – probably – has been in love with the same girl since she was 14 years old and had no clue about it. Tiffany always thought that you needed two people to make a relationship work, but not in the case of Jessica and her unrequited love. Jessica was good at making it work on her own – she was good at making anything work on her own, – all the while not having a clue about it. Tiffany felt like a third person sometimes. Which was weird, since Jessica was supposed to be hers.
Jessica… Stupid Jessica, really. Another vivid memory: herself, crying again, and Jessica, still biting her lips.
“Jessi, I just wish I knew you sooner. I wish I knew you before you knew her, so there’d be no room for her in your heart because it’d be taken by me. And you’d love me instead.”
Jessica didn’t understand what she was talking about back then.
“How have you been, Steph? I haven’t seen you in years.”
But when Tiffany did meet her, she couldn’t help but be intrigued and slightly enamored by Sunny’s best friend. Tiffany remembered feeling irrationally upset that Jessica’s eyes would only turn soft whenever she’d look at Sunny.
Jessica had been the first one to approach her back then, even though Tiffany later found out that it was out of character for her. But she came up to her and asked her out, just like that. Jessica was always the braver one between them when it came to acting on her feelings, even though she was bad with them. Jessica, Tiffany later found out, was a walking contradiction.
And maybe Tiffany was too quick to agree to their date (date!), but she was just too enamored by that somewhat mysterious girl. And when Jessica asked her at the end of their date if Tiffany would go out with her again, maybe she was too quick to agree. But how could she not? Jessica was looking at her with those eyes of hers, and they were so soft; Tiffany could never say “no,” even if she tried. And yes, she’d come to regret this decision, but it’d be much later, and for now (then) she was happy. They were happy.
“Oh, I’ve been fine. Graduated from college, got a job, adopted a dog… What about you?”
Was Tiffany holding a grudge against her? Not anymore… Not really. She was older now, and she liked to think that she was wiser too. She did a lot of thinking during those years and went to a couple of therapists because, hey! that’s what wise adults did. She didn’t blame Jessica for messing her up anymore because she now knew that the other woman was only partially a reason. There was her family, her… mom, her own demons inside her head that tended to poke at her insecurities…
She just… Was she too stupid for still holding onto those memories? For hoping that things went differently between them? She liked Jessica a lot back then – loved her – and couldn’t understand, couldn’t accept that she wasn’t loved in return. They say that all things happen for a reason, and you walk out with experience and knowledge and all that, but also with a whole baggage of inner problems and questions.
Tiffany blamed herself back then. Was she not enough for her? Were her smiles not bright enough, were her kisses not soft enough, were her words not sweet enough? The second one of her therapists said that it was her way of finding reasons for everything when, in fact, there was never a reason in the first place. Because love didn’t work like that, and humans didn’t always work like that either. Humans were complex things. Stupid, but complex. (It was Tiffany’s words, not her therapist’s).
“I’ve been… good. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’m much happier now, and I also understand more. Growing older, am I right?”
Tiffany nodded, her fingers tightening around her to-go coffee cup. They were sitting on one of the park benches side by side; their thighs were close but didn’t touch. Tiffany kinda wished they did. Jessica’s touches used to ground her, and she really needed that right now. But, oh, that was years ago…
“You’re… pregnant.” Tiffany mumbled a bit lamely and berated herself inwardly for sounding like an idiot and pointing out the obvious. But she was so curious!
Jessica laughed softly and nodded, her eyes curving into crescents. She stroked a ring on her left-hand ring finger that Tiffany hadn’t noticed before. It didn’t look like a wedding ring, more like a promise one.
“I’m still kind of shocked too, but yeah, I sure am.” Jessica turned towards her, her face turning a bit serious. “You were right all these years ago, you know? I was in love with Taeyeon all along but too dense to realize that.”
Jessica sighed softly, and Tiffany found herself smiling a bit at the small frown she had.
“After we broke up, I blamed myself for everything: for breaking your heart, for not being enough, for not loving you like you deserved to be loved. And then I thought, “Why didn’t I love Steph? She’s the best one out there!” And all I could see in front of my eyes was Taeyeon’s face. And… here we are, I guess.”
Jessica smiled at her, sure and content, and Tiffany’s eyes widened in realization. Did she just...?
“Wait… You and Taeyeon? Really?”
Jessica giggled softly, and, damn, Tiffany had never seen her this light and happy before. It made her a bit lighter too.
“Yeah. I decided to just go for it, stop being an idiot, and get my life together. And managed to make her fall for me, somehow.”
“Oh, Jessi, I’m so happy for you!” Tiffany beamed and leaned forward to hug her tightly, Jessica hugging her back in the same manner. Was it strange of her to do so? Maybe it was, but it made Tiffany happier. It made Tiffany more peaceful. She leaned back and gave Jessica a bright smile, her eyes smiling along with her lips.
“Thank you, Steph; it means… a lot.”
Tiffany just waved her hand dismissively.
“I’m just your high school ex, Jessi; you shouldn’t be worried about that.” But Jessica only shook her head in response.
“I promised that I’d become better after what happened, you know? And you were one of my best friends, too. I guess you being happy for me… It means that I did something right and you also did something right. And it’s good.”
Tiffany nodded, understanding what Jessica was trying to say. It actually was good, wasn’t it? Tiffany felt less of a mess than she did twenty minutes ago. Surprisingly, but also unsurprisingly. Who knew that talking to Jessica would help her just as efficiently as talking to all those therapists did? Tiffany definitely was wiser now.
“Oh, by the way,” Jessica added as they were walking towards Tiffany’s company’s building. “I’m sure Taeyeon-ah would be happy to see you again. We should have a dinner together, all three of us. What do you think?”
“I would love to.” Tiffany told her brightly, and she wasn’t lying. She also knew that it was a decision she was never going to regret.