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His vision has just stopped blurring when the door opens. Jiang Xiaoshuai stands at a loss for what to do, having to come to terms with who he was expecting to see and who is actually in front of him.
"Is, uh-" He clears his throat. "Is Wu Suowei home?"
A minute or a second, he can't tell. His fingers are numb. The look on Chi Cheng's eyes is either indifferent or pissed off, he's wearing all black or a very dark blue outfit, the lights behind him are too bright or Jiang Xiaoshuai's eyes are struggling to adapt. His stomach is churning.
"He's working late." Comes the reply.
"I-I- Couldn't reach him."
Chi Cheng raises an eyebrow.
"Dead battery probably, forgot to take his charger."
"Oh..." Jiang Xiaoshuai nods. "I won't b-bother you, then."
He's turning to leave, not really sure if he should head back to the clinic or go to his apartment, already mentally mapping out hours on his own, feeling like this and quietly despairing, when Chi Cheng's quiet, commanding voice stops him.
"Wait," Jiang Xiaoshuai freezes in place. "Turn around."
When he does, slow and hesitant, Chi Cheng is much closer than he expects, appraising him.
There's a beat of silence, then "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm-"
"Are you shaking?"
The Chi Cheng he met over a year ago would have been smirking, maybe even mocking him for looking like this. The one standing in front of him now is frowning and backing away slightly, as if he's attempting not to crowd him too much. Jiang Xiaoshuai knows he's indeed shaking like he knows he's spent the entire car ride here compulsively making a mental list of the most sensitive parts of the body - neck, stomach, behind the knee, ear - and failing to remember which of them has the most nerve endings. He feels detached and far away.
"Guo Chengyu is out of town." He manages, his left knee feels like it's dangerously close to giving out. "I just wanted-"
"Would you like to... Come in?" Chi Cheng asks, visibly a bit freaked out, a hand extended towards him like he's not sure if touching him is a good call.
Jiang Xiaoshuai doesn't honestly know if he wants to. The idea of 'better having some company than none at all' doesn't apply if the company in question is Chi Cheng of all people. However, well... It's a ludicrously low bar to set, but he guesses he's at least not been bullied by him for a long while. They've been hanging out a lot, albeit with their respective boyfriends as buffers to their interactions. He's been... Nicer, lately.
He must have taken too long to answer, Chi Cheng purses his lips and looks away.
"If something happens to you just because I didn't make you come in, Wu Suowei and Guo Chengyu are going to murder me." He comments, shrugging like he doesn't care. Jiang Xiaoshuai realises he's trying to soften his approach even more somehow.
It truly shouldn't be as surprising as it is, he's seen this man smile and laugh in the past, he knows there's a considerate side to him. It's just that it's unexpectedly directed at him right now.
"Okay." Jiang Xiaoshuai mumbles, his muddled mind managing to catch the way Chi Cheng's shoulders relax right before he gingerly walks past him and into the apartment.
He navigates the path to the couch on auto-pilot, sitting carefully on account of his legs feeling like he's just ran a marathon. A wave of something awful washes down his back and his mind wanders. Twenty-seven bones in the human hand, fourteen phalanges, nine... No, eight carpal bones. Five- Is it five? One, two, three, four... Yes, of course, five metacarpal bones. He loses track of Chi Cheng for an undetermined amount of time, eyes unfocused until a glass of water is offered to him silently.
The couch dipping beside him, the barely there slithering of Little Jealousy inside his vivarium, they all register with some delay as he focuses on taking a sip without dropping the glass that seems so delicate in his hands. Chi Cheng must be paying attention because he takes it and places it on the coffee table as soon as he's done.
"Should we call Guo Chengyu?"
Jiang Xiaoshuai's lips tremble a little. "N-No, no." He breathes in as deeply as possible, his lungs stutter on the intake. "If y-you... He's gonna worry for no reason."
The sound of the air conditioner turning on, the refrigerator humming, the fabric of his jeans against the couch's edge as his leg bounces, a strand of hair tickles his eyelid, ground, ground, ground.
Chi Cheng clicks his tongue.
"What happened?"
"Nothing, really it was nothing." He breathes out.
Chi Cheng sighs, not put upon or mean, just considering.
"Doesn't look like nothing." He says after a while.
"Just... It's so- It shouldn't matter." Jiang Xiaoshuai shakes his head, plays with the fabric of one of his sleeves.
"But it does?"
Who is this man, really? Jiang Xiaoshuai can't reconcile his first impressions of him with the one he's getting right now. Why does it matter that he's having a minor breakdown? Why would Chi Cheng of all people be this tentative? Is his heart racing? The air hitting the right side of his face feels weird. Focus, ground, ground, ground. The amygdala is a paired structure that's part of the temporal lobe. It consists of thirteen nuclei in total. It processes things you see and hear and uses that input to learn what’s dangerous. Chi Cheng says something else but he doesn't catch it. Most conditions that can affect or involve the amygdala are psychiatric or neurological. Anxiety disorder, mood disorder, alzheimer’s, post-traumatic stress disorder... What was he thinking about again?
Right.
"How would you know?" He questions, his chest caving in a little.
"Your breathing." Chi Cheng states and it takes Jiang Xiaoshuai a second to understand what he means.
Has he been hyperventilating all this time?
"Are you gonna tell me you ran all the way here?" Chi Cheng teases.
"Fuck, to be like this after so long." Jiang Xiaoshuai buries his face in his hands, chastising himself.
"Stop that." Chi Cheng takes him by the shoulder and pulls back, trying to stop him from curling in on himself. The gesture isn't aggressive but Jiang Xiaoshuai startles like he's been electrocuted.
They both freeze and stare at each other.
"Shit, sorry." Chi Cheng immediately let's him go. "I wasn't-"
"No, no. It's not you, I'm just..." Jiang Xiaoshuai straightens a bit and extends one of his hands in the air between them, showcasing how it shakes completely out of his control. "Jumpy." He concludes with a smile that's more hysterical than anything.
Chi Cheng nods, eyes still wide open and clearly out of his depth.
"I should leave you alo-"
"No!" Jiang Xiaoshuai sees himself graving Chi Cheng's forearm with both hands like a person watching a movie, somewhere far away his brain decided to do it before he did. "I don't want to be alone. I need-" He chokes on a sob, his grip alternating, one hand then the other, squeezing. Using Chi Cheng's arm like a stress toy. "I miss them."
"Okay." Chi Cheng grants, making no comment about the hold he has on him, even though it's probably painful.
In the silence that follows, Jiang Xiaoshuai focuses on his breathing, silently names things he can see and feel. Thunder rumbles in the distance, calling his eyes to the outside world and he gets lost in the view out the window. The effects of electrocution in the human body are... He doesn't even remember her name.
"I saw" He starts sometime later. "a girl... From my hometown." From the corner of his eye he sees Chi Cheng turn his attention back to him after minutes of looking away. "She came to the clinic, left her resume. I've never ran so fast to hide in my life."
"Do you know her from med school?" He asks.
Jiang Xiaoshuai purses his lips and nods. He expects Chi Cheng to infer why this alone was a shock to his system, but when he only stares expectantly, he realises.
"They didn't tell you."
"Huh?"
"About my past."
"Only that you have an asshole ex and Guo Chengyu took care of him."
Well, is this something he wants to share? He could be honest with himself and admit that it doesn't sound as ludicrous now as it would have before. Chi Cheng very specifically made a threat to him once that still makes him squirm when he thinks about it. However.
"When I was dating Meng Tao, he- We had a fight once, about me being reckless, about people seeing us together." He stares at his hands and wills them to stop gripping Chi Cheng so hard. "That night I got way too drunk. I remember my friends pushing me to drink more, people I didn't know crowding me, the music being too loud and nothing more."
He blinks several times to clear his vision and notes with some trepidation that he's still got some tears to cry about this.
"The next day, Meng Tao confronted me. He had... Pictures of them doing things to me I couldn't remember. He said-" He shakes his head, his words don't really matter anymore. "For the longest time I thought I'd been..."
Chi Cheng inhales very loudly, visibly coming to a realization.
"Then the pictures where everywhere." He carries on. "Everyone knew. Everyone, even my family and they-" He laughs, not knowing why, he feels hollow and strung out.
Chi Cheng raises his free hand towards Jiang Xiaoshuai's face, hesitates, then decides to whipe a tear from his cheek anyways. He's frowning like he knows where this is going.
"None of them has ever talked to me since." He sighs "I didn't know what to do. I couldn't deal with the stares at school, the whispers. I just wanted it all to be over. I was so alone."
Like an afterthought, he lets go of Chi Cheng and looks at his own wrist, trases the faint line there, only visible if you're looking for it under a good light. He misses some minutes just staring, he thinks, but he finds he's finally feeling more grounded inside his body once he looks back up.
"Guo Chengyu took care of him." Chi Cheng repeats robotically, as if he wants to know if he needs to find his ex and commit some type of crime.
Jiang Xiaoshuai takes his phone out, unsure if the video is still there.
"After Guo Chengyu had him beat up, Meng Tao confessed to me that he'd sent those guys to stage the pictures." He says, still in search of the file. "In the end, they hadn't-- But still, the damage was done in other ways and I still..."
He finds it, decides this is the last time he'll play it before deleting the whole thing. Chi Cheng takes his phone and watches, laser-focused and quietly seething. Jiang Xiaoshuai cannot for the life of him think of why he looks so furious.
Or... Perhaps he needs to be more frank about the matter.
If he were to admit it, something in him does have its finger on the pulse of what may be going on.
In the months that followed the clinic's expansion, Chi Cheng's release from jail and the re-opening of his friend's company, Jiang Xiaoshuai noticed a shift. It started, unsurprisingly, between Guo Chengyu and Chi Cheng himself. Their drunken little kisses started lingering, their interactions while sober became more gentle, playful and soft. He would go as far as to say they were healthier.
Jiang Xiaoshuai isn't a prude, far from it, but he's also never considered these kinds of things to be common place. He's not necessarily uncomfortable, in fact, initially, what he finds disquieting is that he is surprisingly okay with the whole thing. He expected Wu Suowei to be the one less open to it, but when an afternoon on the roof, drinking beers and just hanging out with him provided an opportunity to ask about it, he was surprised by how easy his friend's answer was.
"I've kept the videos," Wu Suowei says, his head resting in Jiang Xiaoshuai's lap. "the ones Wang Shuo wanted me to see."
Jiang Xiaoshuai hums.
"When I saw them kissing again a while back, I couldn't quite tell how I felt." Wu Suowei continues. "I didn't know how to bring it up either, so I took a chance when Chi Cheng was away on business to sit down and re-watch those."
"And?" He prompts, when his friend takes a bit too long to keep going.
"And..." Wu Suowei sighs with a shrug. "They looked happy, as simple as that."
As simple as that, implied in it was that neither of them had been actually happy for years after. That Chi Cheng had been miserable, dangerous and self-destructive, and that Guo Chengyu had been fucked up enough to allow himself to be dragged into that snake infested pit of insanity.
But it's not just that, it's that there's been walks in the park where his boyfriend's had a firm arm around Chi Cheng's shoulders, both of their eyes on Jiang Xiaoshuai and Wu Suowei walking in front of them with their hands linked together. That Wu Suowei's made a habit of hugging him from the back when they are together. It's that they've all taken to sleeping in the same tent when they are out camping and there's a point in the night where it's impossible to tell who is hugging who. That, just a couple of weeks ago, he saw Guo Chengyu pat Wu Suowei's head to congratulate him for something and his friend blushed. That a week after that he found himself kissing Wu Suowei on the lips simply because he was happy to see him.
It's that on Sunday they were at his house and at some point he forgot himself, got a little too carried away kissing Guo Chengyu. When he turned his head, Wu Suowei was face down on the couch on top of Chi Cheng, his head resting on his chest. He remembers the big hand casually placed on his friend's ass, the other cradling the back of his neck. But, most of all he remembers the warm shiver that ran down his spine at the intensity in both of their eyes as they stared at them. Chi Cheng's pupils so dilated his eyes seemed completely black, Wu Suowei's gaze half-lidded and wanting.
It's that two days later, Guo Chengyu made a comment. Something about him and Chi Cheng having sex in the past, something about mutual handjobs in showers, but more importantly, something about how hot he thought Wu Suowei and Jiang Xiaoshuai would look giving each other blowjobs. It'd been so off-handed, Jiang Xiaoshuai had almost missed the glint in his boyfriend's eyes, the way Chi Cheng had whispered "Don't tease" while casually scrolling on his phone.
Wu Suowei had pouted in consideration and turned to stare at him, his head tilted to the side in question. Jiang Xiaoshuai had looked back, eyebrows raised in surprise and silently asked Really? I remember when just the thought of holding another man's hand freaked you out. To that, his friend had simply shrugged and turned red, looking down and taking one of his hands, delicate yet playful. Daring, like only a brat with a penchant for pouting, while making his eyes big and pleading, could.
This thing between the four of them has been steadily growing, acknowledged yet unspoken, agreed upon in meaningful looks and casual moments of affection. None has set a limit yet and nothing done has been deemed crossing a line. The complexion of that being: if there is no rules, there is no guidelines except for what feels natural to all of them, and Jiang Xiaoshuai does not naturally gravitate towards Chi Cheng, nor does Chi Cheng show much interest in him, for that matter.
Nonetheless, here they are. Chi Cheng's leg is bouncing, gripping his phone like it has wronged him, one of his hands is twitching and Jiang Xiaoshuai is amazed to note he's become acquainted with his mannerisms enough to know he's craving for a cigarette.
"Maybe I would have had a chance to kill him in jail." He mumbles and the absurdity of it startles a laugh out of Jiang Xiaoshuai.
"Do not commit murder on my account, you insane bastard." He says, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.
Chi Cheng smiles at him, only a bit deranged behind the eyes, but something crosses his mind that makes the smile drop fast.
"Back then," He licks his lips, finally reaches for his cigarettes. "I wasn't actually going to do it."
"Hhm?"
"When I threatened you." He says, plays with the lighter in his hand, flipping the lid open and closed, open and closed until he finally decides to light the cigarette he's picked up. "I'm not a good person, but I didn't really plan to hurt you. You were just conveniently there and perfect to get into Wei Wei's head."
Jiang Xiaoshuai clears his throat.
"Good to know, I guess." He bites the inside of his cheek and lets his shoulders drop, belatedly realising he's not fighting his way through a panic attack anymore. "So, instead of a psychopath, you're just an asshole."
Chi Cheng breathes a small laugh through his nose, cigarette dangling from his lips.
"No, I can still be an unstable psycho, just not towards any of you." He blinks, seemingly hearing himself saying that and finding it to be true. "Huh..."
"Oh..."
"Yeah."
"What... Does that mean?"
Chi Cheng fixes his gaze on the floor, considering. The smoke around him is both a halo and a cloak, dancing near and above his face. Something in his eyes, Jiang Xiaoshuai notes, is perpetually wounded no matter how much he may be smiling at times. An old ache, something tired, dragging like feet shuffling on the floor. A shadow, lonely, wrathful, dangerous but tamed when he's content.
Could you look hard enough, he wonders, and find behind the brown of his irises some venom green? To what deadly extremes has that maw been driven to strike? Do the nights he spent alone still linger? Did the lacerations to his soul leave scars that still itch and color his happiest moments in even brighter tones, for all the shadows that he wishes hadn't been there?
Jiang Xiaoshuai isn't at odds with how his past still shapes his present, with the habits of the wounded. The mental paths so deeply carved it's a continuous, conscious endeavor to rewrite them. He thinks now, for the first time alone with this man after so long, he can see him still making that effort.
"Wei Wei said..." Chi Cheng starts, a thoughtful tilt to his head. "When I was out of prison, I thanked him for everything and he said I didn't have to. We are... Family."
He clears his throat, inhales and exhales very deeply and turns to Jiang Xiaoshuai. In his eyes that jaded affliction burns blue, not venom but sorrow.
"You would understand... You know him, you know Guo Chengyu. People like us don't just take it at face value; we have to question it. It can't be right, not for me. What do you need in exchange?" He says fervently, smiles with his lips pursed. "I gave Guo Chengyu a thousand reasons to leave, but he never did."
Jiang Xiaoshuai nods his head, barely daring to blink.
"I hurt Wu Suowei in so many ways, even when I didn't mean to, and he chose to sacrifice everything for me because of course he would."
"He did." Jiang Xiaoshuai whispers and marvels at where they both are now. At the people that one day just waltzed into their lives and decided to stay.
"And you," Chi Cheng adds. "You take care of Wei Wei and make Guo Chengyu happy, so..." He taps the lid of his lighter, nods his head in assertion to a thought he hasn't voiced yet. "So, you are family too."
Jiang Xiaoshuai swallows. So, you are family too. So uncomplicated, just like Wu Suowei saying "And they looked happy." A fact, an acceptance, a willing surrender. Like the day he decided he could trust Guo Chengyu, with a light feeling, as if the decision was easy.
It isn't lost on him just how massive the declaration is, how much he's admitting to love them. How he isn't apologizing but promising to do better.
"You're very honest." Jiang Xiaoshuai sets forth.
"Most of the time I am. It's just that no one believes me."
Jiang Xiaoshuai exhales the ghost of a laugh. "You don't make it easy."
"I try." Chi Cheng says, softer than he would have expected. And, oh...
"Okay." He concedes "I can-I'll- I'll trust you."
Chi Cheng smirks and shakes his head. Posture relaxing as he leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees. He looks at his pack of cigarettes.
"You look cute when I make you nervous. You know that's the problem, right?"
"Shut up!" He shoves him lightly and folds his legs on the couch, leaning back and exhaling deeply.
Chi Cheng openly laughs at that, taking a new cigarette and placing it against his lips. Jiang Xiaoshuai didn't even notice when he finished the last one.
They both stay silent for a moment, Chi Cheng keeps still and looks ahead, Jiang Xiaoshuai looks at their reflection in the vivarium's glass.
"I'm a greedy, possessive bastard when it comes to the people I love." Chi Cheng mulls, thinking outloud. "But I never really minded having to share with you." He looks at peace with the realisation. "I should have known."
Jiang Xiaoshuai finally melts into the couch, emotionally drained and finding that he feels safe, which he's no longer going to put into question. He lets himself fall sideways and his head ends up close to Chi Cheng's thigh.
A hand lands on his hair, the tips of its fingers start playing with his fringe. When he looks up, Chi Cheng is looking at him like he's having a small revelation.
"Yeah," He mumbles. "I should have known."
Chi Cheng finally lights the new cigarette, his free hand still absentmindedly petting his hair. Jiang Xiaoshuai closes his eyes and drifts off for a second.
He thinks, in between dreaming and being awake, that he should thank Chi Cheng for listening and comforting him. But then he remembers what he just heard, about being a family and Wu Suowei scolding Chi Cheng for expressing his own gratitud.
He's forgotten what it feels like...
"I was going to say thank you." He expresses. Chi Cheng stops moving at the sound of his voice. "But I guess that's not right? Just- I don't remember what being part of a family is like. You were right. I can't just take this like it's a given." Jiang Xiaoshuai sighs. "So I'm going to shut up and be okay with it until it feels like I deserve it."
Chi Cheng doesn't answer, his eyes are downcast but curved in a smile so faint it's like a secret he's unable to hide. His hand resumes playing with Jiang Xiaoshuai's hair.
It's in that moment that the door opens.
"I'm home!" Wu Suowei says. "The power went out at the company and I couldn't just lock the doors without the alarm system on so I had to wait until it came back and the storm is so bad, the traffic was so slow and you didn't come looking for me-" There's a pause. "Xiao Shuai."
He stops in front of the couch. Chi Cheng smiles at his complaining with a fondness so tender, it's too raw to look at for long. Jiang Xiaoshuai decides to rest his eyes leisurely on his best friend instead. Wu Suowei stares at them with his eyes wide open, taking in the air of a conversation he wasn't privy to but has somehow landed them here. He notes the positions they are in, Chi Cheng's hand on Jiang Xiaoshuai's head...
Slowly, a smile starts to creep into his face.
"Finally."