Chapter Text
You’d always had a good, strong relationship with your mother. She used to tuck you in at night, read you bed time stories, have cozy weekends watching 101 Dalmatians because the puppies made you giggle even as you got older—so when your best friend of 15 years tells you that some of the things she did wasn’t okay, it came as a shock.
Lizzy and you were out for coffee after getting your disappointing university results and she knew you needed cheering up. The conversation some how moved quickly onto your parents. Lizzy was an orphan, her parents died in a house fire a few years ago and she still hadn’t gone to grief therapy despite your insistence. She currently lived with your other shared friend Iris and her cousin, it was easier for her at the moment whilst she was still trying to navigate a world without her parents in. You then spoke about a few things your mother and just little things that happened with her growing up, silence fell and your words hung in the air before Lizzy gave you a look of insanity.
“Darling, you know that’s not right don’t you?” She asked with such desperation for you to hear her. Lizzy reached her hand across the table, holding onto yours. “Hen,” her Scottish accent shinning through with that one word “what she did, would you do to your own kids? If you had or wanted kids of course.”
It scared you. Not the question, not really. It was your answer and the fact you didn’t even have to think about it. Your answer was no, you would never in a million years do that to your own kids, so why was it okay for her to do it to you?
“Darling, maybe you should talk to her about it.” Lizzy wasn’t pushing, just woundring if you would be able to.
The incredulous laugh thhat left your mouth said everything as you now gave Lizzy a look of insanity. The mere thought of talking to your mother, she had to be joking. That was the last thing you were ever going to do. “You have to be joking? She’ll just pretend it didn’t happen, like she always does when things are too tough to handle.”
“You mean like she did with your dad.” Lizzy treds carefully, she knows how hard you’ve had it in a different way to her. See Lizzy’s parents where, good, gentle and kind, but yours, especially your father, where not. It was the opposite of her parents and you envyed Lizzy so much until her parents death—because that isn’t something you could ever envy of anyone, even if you had sometimes dreamt about the death of your own father—it comfortered you.
“That man is not my father.” You snapped more harshly than you meant, and your hand quickly squeezed back at Lizzy’s “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, just I—that man has done me more damage than I like to think about. What he did, no father does Lizzy, you know that.”
“I know darlin’ but—”
“No. I am not talking to my mother.” You set the line in the sand, refusiing to budge on this. Your hand left Lizzy’s, wrapping it around your now cold mug of coffee, you weren’t sure why you were holding it as you couldn’t drink it now, but it helped you to stay grounded.
“Okay, okay, it was just a suggetsion…at least you still have a mother to talk to.” Lizzy said it without thinking, as soon as the words left her lips, she regretted it almost instantly.
You felt like the breath had been stolen from your lungs as you gasped slow and in shock “Wow. So that’s where we’re going, gonna use that card? Lizzy your my best friend and you’re saying that like I have done anything but be here for you.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“But you still said it. I have held you through every tearful night, stayed at the house holding you when Iris wouldn’t, Wanda and I would make you food, because you weren’t eating and it’s all we could do to make you eat. For gods sake, I even stood up at your parents funeral and spoke, because you couldn’t and I understood that. And now what? None of that even mattered?” You felt your pulse rising, heart rasing like it might jump out of your chest at any moment. You were angry—fuming is more like it. Smoke would be steaming out your ears if it was visible.
“Come on bug, I didn’t mean to, it just slipped out.”
“No.” You stop up quickly, legs on the chairs scraping as you stood. “You may not have meant to, but the fact you said it, meant you have been thinking it. I—I have to go. I’ll see you later, maybe.” You grabbed your purse,taking out $5 and set it down on the table “I know you didn’t mean it Lizzy, but it hurt. Just give me time okay.” and with that, long beige trench coat on and tied up, winnie the pooh bag over your right shoulder, you walked out the coffee shop and into the rain.
The rain was coming down in heavy splashes, hitting your face like a thunderstorm in the heat of summer. You knew Lizzy wouldn’t chase after you, she knew better than that, and she knew her grieve mattered too and you ahted how much her words had got to you—maybe you were over reacting, but also what she said hurt, and you couldn’t thelp the way you felt.
You looked back to Lizzy, who was still sat in the coffee shop, face solem as she typed on her phone—probably to Iris, telling her what an asshole you had been. The truth was, yes she was texting Iris but not to tell her that you had messed up, the opposite in fact. As you walked away Lizzy put her phone to her ear and spoke.
“Iris, I messed up big time.” Lizzy exhaled, tears threatening to spill as she spoke “I told her at least she still had a mother, but her mothers awful, I wouldn’t want her mother." What the fuck is wrong with me that I would say something like that? She’ll never talk to me again.”
Iris, crunching on some kind of potato chip laughs at the very notion as she speaks, reassuring her friend “You’re kidding? I mean yes you are a bloody idiot for saying it, but I’ve known you both longer than you’ve known each other. She just needs time and space. You know her, when she gets overwhelmes, she needs time under her covers with her stuffies. She’ll be right as rain soon, I promise.”
“You think?” Lizzy asks, frowning into the cold cup of coffee opposite her.
“I know it gorgous. Now, I can text Nat? See if she can come talk to her—”
“No!” Lizzys voice sounded like something sharp scraping across a rock “sorry just, god, just no. We’ll figure it out.” Lizzy insisted and begun gathering her own things to go back to Iris’s “I’ll be home in ten minutes, shall I pick up dinner?”
“Naaa, Wandas made one of weird ass concocsions.” Iris made a gagging noise through the phone, forcing a luagh out of Lizzy even as she left the coffe shop and hung up the phone, pushing it into the pocket of her jeans.
Lizzy turned onto the wet street, turning her head left and spotting you still walking away, a silohette in the light. Lizzy pulled her hood up and walked away, turning right, not coming after you because she knew Iris was right—you needed time.
Your hands where like ice, and the pockets of your coat where doing nothing to help warm them up. Your head was spinning, thinking maybe you were being ridiclous, of course Lizzy did not mean to say it, or even mean it at all. But then why did your heart feel like it was being squeezed by Thors hammer.
You had tried to stop the tears, thinking you were being silly, but you are an emotional person and with most things you always end up with a wet face—this time it was due to the tears and the rain.
You weren’t entirely sure why your hand had gravitated ytowards your face, wiping against your cheek, because the wtness of the tears and the rain where mingling, and no amount of wiping would make them dissapear. You continued walking, feeling the heaviness of the fight weighing you down, head still spinning and then—
“STOP THE CAR!” A woman in the now pulling over black SVU, hands gripping the open window—a kind face, hair a mix of red and blonde, in french plaits from what you could see and a black leather jacket over a navy sweater, face flushed from the warmth of the car and the cold air hitting her cheeks.
You looked at her blinking—surely she wasn’t pulling over for you a complete strangerl, but when she looked at you—not behind you or to the side, but at you, the realisation hit, she just made her driver pull over…for you?
“Hi sweetheart, you okay?” The woman asked, hands gripping the edge of the open window, rain falling into the car, but she didn’t care.
“Me?” You asked just to be sure, even though there was literally not another soul in sight, who else would she be talking to? The fucking ghost of christmas past?
The woman in the car giggled slightly at your confusion, her plaits bouncing against her shoulder. “Yes, you—you looked a little sad? I just want to make sure you’re okay, especially this time of night.” The concern the laced her voice was as real as you had ever heard it, not dissimilar to the way Iris or Lizzy speaks.
“Oh yeah, I’m fine,” you said, arms hugging your body, eyes meeting her, which for you was very unusal. There’s only two people in your whole life you have ever been able to keep eye contact with, one is Wanda and the other is Lizzy, and here you were giving another person eye contact, despite the uncomfortability of it. “I just had a fight with a friend, but I’m fine. Thanks though.”
The woman nodded, pulling out a card from her pocket and holding it out towards you, and you stepped forward taking the card turning it over. Natasha Romanov was written in the middle alone with a phone number. rain spilling onto the paper and you quickly put it into your bag to stop the ink from running..
“That my card, my personal card. If you need to talk just give me a call okay? I know I’m stranger but just—in case you need anyone.” and when you nodded, she leaned back in the car, putting her window up and the car slowly drove away, and you couldn’t help but think, there was something farmiliar about her.
“Natasha Romanov” You whispered into the rain—the rain dripping from your lashes, lips barely moving, as if trying to imprint her name on your brain and breath.
The rain now cold against your skin as you moved slowly like brain fog. Your heels clipping against the pavement, arms wrapping tighter around your body as you thought about Lizzy. Gods. She had gone through so much and she said it in the moment, not on purpose, it was a slip of the tounge, and yoi’d berated her like a child—but you couldn't ignore your feelings. Your mother, you loved but you coulrn’t talk to her, she wasn’t always a good mother, and maybe she was awful, but she wasn’t that bad, not entirely.
You found yourself pressing your hands tighter into your hips, eyes looking towards each shop you had passed, first the Winnie the Pooh shop. You had thought about going in, treating yourself to another Eeyore but you also felt the heaviness of the fight still lingering in your chest and a treat is not something you deserved right now. So you ignored the bright colours of the sad Eeyore plushie and carried on.
The next store was another favourite, full of antiques, beautiful vases and old books, and items as far back from the 17th century. It made your heart sing in a way nothing else ever did. Your love for history was something none of your friends understood, but they listen despite their lack of knowledge, or interest because it was important to you and thay’s what mattered.
“Oh my god…” you whispered, stepping towards the glass window, and spotting something small in a golden dish. It didn't look like much on the surface, but it was everything to you. Jacobite coins. You couldn’t believe, you’d been searching for these coins for months, for ones that were not fake, and her the sat, with your nose pressed against the glass, along with you palms firmly next to your face, like a kid in a sweet shop. You didn’t even realise you were that close, but you were, and the coin took your breath away.
Then you hear a voice. Soft, gentle, like Angel dust calling out your name.
You quickly peeled yourself from the glass and turned, pausing when you saw her. Red hair up in a messy bun, glasses on her nose like she’d forgotten to take them off—forgotten they were there. Her hoodie hung too big of her slender torso, and her jeans clearly soaked through cling to her skin, like mud in the water, and your eyes gravitated to her shoes. Her poor shoes. Converses. Great when it’s not raining, but in this weather they were sodden, and looked heavy in her feet.
“Wanda?” She smiled, trying to see if you remembered her “Iris’s cousin, we met a few times, you helped me cook food for your friend Lizzy?”
“Mmm, I remember.” You nodded, eyes meeting hers in the silence of the falling rain “you know Wanda, those shoes aren’t very practical for this kind of weather.”
Wanda laughed under her breath, coughing slightly as it spilled past her lips. “You're not wrong. First shoes I found before rushing out the door to come find you.” Wanda smiled sweetly, like she was trying to butter you up, you frowned, examining her face and noticing the truth, but she wasn’t trying to butter you up, she was just being…well honest.
“Me?” You asked, “oh god, Lizzy told you—”
“No, Iris called Nat, who then called me, and as she hasn’t met you yet, she figure I’d be the best person. You don’t have to tell me what happened, but maybe I can get you something to eat or a coffee in the cat cafe down the road?” Wanda asked gently, stepping forward, but not too close, she didn’t want you to feel pressure or overwhelm, especially not by her hovering presence looming over you.
“No, honestly I’m fine.” You tried but you knew that wouldn’t be enough. “I should just go home.” You knew Wanda, well you knew what you had been told, that she was never one to let something go if she felt of about the situation.
Wanda sighed, trying not to push, but also needing you to see what was happening. “Honey, I don’t mean to be a bother, but it’s dark, you’re alone—”
“I’m not alone, you’re with me.” You smiled cheekily, hoping agian that she’d stop, your head looking away and towards the cat cafe she had mentioned.
Wanda frowned, not annoyed, just quietly observing. “Okay, here’s what’s going to happen, you’ll come with me to my car, it's parked up the street from this morning, and then i’ll drive you home. How’s that?”
You mulled it over, still not sure, you just wanted this night to be over. You hugged your body tighter again, before looking back to wandas greeny blue eyes, “Okay, just promise me something?”
“Depends what it is.” Wanda responded with sincerity.
“Okay, well, don't tell Lizzy you’ve seen me, or spoken to me.” You asked, you didn’t want Wanda to tell her, because then it would get back to her cousin Iris, your friend, that you’d spoken to Wanda—you needed to speak to Lizzy about everything first, and maybe apologise to her for your reaction.
“You don’t want her to know you saw me?” Wanda frowned. her eyes carefully looking over your rain covered face “Honey, I don’t think she would mind.”
“Please Wanda.” You insisted, needing her to say yes more than you had ever needed anyone ever to say yes, because somehow, Wanda seemed to be the only person you had met who made you feel loved fully as who you are—maybe loved was too strong a word, but she certainly made you feel cared about in a way you had never felt before.
Wanda thought, seeing the desperation in your face she agree but on one condition “you have to tell her, and soon. She really won’t care—I know she won’t.”
“Well, it’s not really Lizzy I’m worried about—” you stopped yourself mid sentence, not allowing yourself to tell Wanda the truth about how it was Iris, and she hated the fact you had gotten on so well with Wanda when you were over those few times.
Iris had never rightly come out and said she hated it, but the irritation lacing her voice anytime Wandas name came up was clear. “Fine, I agree.” you muttered, annoyed slightly at having to agree to it but you knew it was important to Wanda and to her relationship with Iris as well as your own.
“Good, now come on. Lets get out the rain and I’'ll drive you home, hmm?” She stepped forward, her hand tucking your damp. curled stranbds of hair behind your ear “I don’t want you catching a cold.”
You nodded, the feeling of someone older than you caring for you in such a delicate way bought up feelings you were no where near ready to address at this point in time. But that was okay, because you didn’t need to not yet.
Wanda slipped her arm around your shoulder, and pulled you a little closer to where you could now smell her vanilla scented perfume, feel her own loose stands of hair tickling your face, her l;ong fingers squeezing your shoulder in a reassuring way that made you feel secure in her hold.
“Honey, your shaking? You sure you’re okay?” Wanda looked down at you, her eues filled with worry, even as the weather turned from the heavy to fine rain with fog thickening around you both, you could still see it in her eyes.
“Just cold, I’m fine I promise.” but you weren’t just cold or fine, you were still shaking with anger and frustration around the situation with Lizzy.
Wanda though, wasn’t stupid, she could see right through your lies, not even good ones at that but she didn’t press. The walk wasn’t long to the car, and you couldn’t help but smirk when you saw it. “You have a bug?”
“I do,” Wanda chuckled, Nat bought it for me for my birthday last year, I had wanted one for years. You think it’s silly?” Wanda tried to figure out your feelings about her red car, with black spots that looked like a lady bug.
“No, I—it’s just my nickname since I was like 12 has been Bug.” You couldn’t help but giggle softly at the little connection.
“Bug?” Wanda raised an eyebrow “My sweet little bug, that is so adorable.” Wanda removed her arm from your shoulder, and unlocked the car. She pulled the door open for you, allowing you to settle inside, and moments later she was sat beside you. “Can you reach that backpack on the floor behind my seat?”
Your head turned to see a red? Yes, a red lady bug back pack on the floor, medium sized, with green handles. “Yeah, I can reach it.” You said it as if giving facts about the traffic light system.
“Wanda laughed, realising she needed to be more specific “okay well, pick it up and open it up.” Wanda said as she turned the key and began the drive through the mist back to your apartment “Hey, what’s your address, I just realised I don’t actually know where you live.”
You gave Wanda your adress as you pulled the backpack onto your lap and began unzipping it.The sound of the other cars driving by as water splashed, people chatting as the came out of nearby restraunts—and here you were in the pressence of Wanda, unzipping a ladybug backpack in her lady bug car, everything felt so surreal. How could someone you barely know make you feel this level of closeness?
Wandas frown caught you off guard when she heard where you lived. “Live alone? or?” she asked, clearly concerend, and not surprising considering how awful the neigbourhood was, but it’s all you could afford and not even on your opwn. This economy was hell.
“No, I live with a roomamte, he’s okay. I mean, he’s barely there so it works well.” You muttered, feeling your heart racing as you explained the situation.
“So, what’s his name?” Wanda asked gently, not to pry but to have the knowledge, just in case she needed it.
“Oh, George. He’s a little old school, but he’s nice enough.” You replied, finally having unzipped the back pack, and pulling out the item. “Oh.” you gasped seeing the big grey eyeore, butterfly on top of his nose, soft as cottoncandy. Your eyes had lits up like fireworks on 4th of July weekend. “He’s beautiful.”
“Well Lizzy told me you loved Eeeyore, and so when I came to find you, I picked one up, just a reminder that with me, with us, you are safe.”
“What else did Lizzy tell you?” You frowned, biting your lip as you placed the back pack behind Wandas seat and clung to Eeeyore like the only lifeline you had left. He spelled of Vanilla and…what was that? Pumpkin spice, myst be Nat, funny, that smell seemed more farmiliar than you could understand.
“Oh, not much,” Wanda saw your concern and realised she couldn’t very well lie to you, but she didn’t want to freak you out either. “Just that you’ve had a lot to deal with recently, nothing specific.” Wanda turned the corner down a darkened side road, no street lights, just dark. “This is where you live honey?”
You nodded, beginning to unbuckle your seatbelt, but Wanda’s hand reached out grabbing your small fingers and stopping you from continuing “Wait—you can’t seriously expect me to drop you off here and be okay about it?”
You faced away, barely able to look in her direction with all the worry expressed on her kind and caring face. “Wanda, thanks for the Eeyore, really, I appreciate it but—just forget about me, forget about where I live, and I promise to call Lizzy, okay?” You wanted to get out of that car as soon as possible, you didn’t want to linger, because you knew the moment Wanda offered you a room at her home, you would take it.
Wanda refused to let your hand go, not yet, as she let out an exhasperated sigh, and turned off the engine, leaving the ehadlight still on. “Okay, listen, i’m not going to forget about you, for two reasons, you are Lizzy and Iris’s friend.”
“What’s the second reason?” You asked, eyes back on Wanda’s ocean blue ones in this light, heart hammering so hard you were sure she had the whole of the darkened street could hear it.
“I haven’t figured the out yet, but I will.” Wanda paused for a moment, still watching you, probably not quite having figured you out yet, but you intrigued her. “Now honey, if you won’t let me take you back to ours at least let me put my number in your phone? Hmm?” Her thumb runnning along the veins in your wrist.
“Okay,” You pulled your phone out the bag on your shoulder and passed it to Wanda, who smiled at your cover screen, biting back a laugh, not from judgment but from how adorable it was.
“Winnie the Pooh, cover screen? It’s cute.” Wanda smiled, now adding in her name and number to your contacts, and then calling her own number so she would be able to add yours in when she got home. “Call me anytime okay?”
“Why?” You words came out a little blunt, but you were genuinlly unsure.Why was Wanda, your friends older cousin being so nice to you? Practically a stranger, you had only met her three times, and you hadn’t said much to her then.
“Because you looked like you needed someone and, you’re Iris’s friend and Lizzy’s too, and they care about you, so by extension so do I.” Wanda tilted her head, trying to gather if you understood or welcomed that kind of care, but she coudln’t quite see it. You had always been invredibly good at blending in, you called it your mask, not a physical one, but en emotional one, sometimes even personality, just so people didn’t think you were as weird as you saw yourself.
“Okay.” you said simply “Thanks Wanda, I’ll see you later I guess.” and she finally let you go. But she stayed parked until you were inside your building. The air between the foggy street and the stairs you climbed to get to your apartment was signifcantly different, but similar. It always smelled like smoke on the stairs, mostly weed, and you didn’t mind too much, but it stung your eyes tonight coming in from the cold air, the dizzying patterns on the walls made your head spin and you were so relieved when you spotted your door. “Number 94.” You whispered to yourself, and despite having told Wanda about your roomamte George, saying he wasn’t too bad. That had been the biggest lie of the night.
Your hand trembled in your pocket pulling out the rusting silver key, and gripping Eeyore so tight that your fingers where turning white. God you hoped he wasn’t going to be here. You had to to body slam the door as you turned the key three times before it would open, and you landed on your hands and knees on the wooden floor that needed replacing. And then you heard the wolf whistle. He was here. With his friends.
“George, just leave me alone tonight. I just wanna go to bed okay?” You knew what he was like, he loved teasing you, making you feel worse about yourself than you already did, but for some bizzare rerason tonight, he just shrugged.
“Sure, whatever. not worth my timer anyway. Me and the boys are going out, don’t give me hastle when I come home.” George watched you clamber to your feet, his snarky smile plastered across his face as he slicked his hair back with his puffy hands which probably smelled of smoke.
“Whatever.” You muttered and quickly made your way to your bedroom, shutting the door tight. You then pulled across the chain at the top, then the small lock in the middle and another one at the bottom, you had put them on just after you moved to the area. It was nothing to do with George, but it certainly made you feel safer.
You could now feel your clothes sticking to your skin, the rain had drowned you,a dn you moved quickly and uncomfortably, hurrying to remove your coat, your shoes, your socks, your top, fumbling to unclasp your stupid bra that you hated having to wear every god damn day, and you were now on the verge of tears. The way wet clothes made you feel, it lit your senses up and not in a good way. Finally you were out of all your clothes, standing naked in a cold room. You walked over and drew the curtain ensuring no one could see in, despite being on the top floor it still made you nervous.
You spent the next thirty minutes under the hot power spray of the shower, rinsing away the rain and fog and half drunk coffee until your skin and hair smelled of citrus again. But when you closed your eyes, the faint scent of vanilla still clung to you, lingering and making your heart jump in your chest. The thought alone made your eyes snap open, and you finished quickly, toweling off before pulling on your soft tank top and rainbow panties.
Moments later, you were curled beneath your cotten winniw the pooh duvet, hips covered, blanket pulled up over your shoulders, and finally sinking down into your bed. The Eeyore that Wanda had given you was tucked snug in your arms, his weight grounding you as you slipped your thumb into your mouth — slow, steady and sucking in the same way you had for comfort since you were a baby.
Was it embarassing? To you yes. To your friends? No. They loved you with every quirk, but the thought of Wanda ever finding out made your stomach turn, and so, despite her not being in the room, you removed your thumb with a wet pop, then twisting eeyores soft ear around it.
Your eyes finally shut after what felt like hours of tossing and turning, thinking about Lizzy, Wanda and Natasha Romanov. The kind woman who stopped to see if you were okay? Who was she really? The sound of rain outside hitting the window was like a sweet lullaby, with Eeyore squashed between your cheek and shoulder, and Wanda’s vanilla still lingering in the air, you imagined it was Wanda holding you as you drifted off into the land of dreams.