Chapter Text
It’s late at night when Han finally stops working and closes his laptop. He slumps back in his chair, letting out a groan as he feels how stiff his neck is. It has been a long and tiring week. He really should be paying more attention to his posture because at this rate he’ll turn into the Hunchback by next week. It’s dark outside and the only lighting in the room is the harsh lamp post from out the window. He mumbles to himself, “Fucking hell..” He chugs the last of his now cold coffee and grimaces at the taste.
He decides to stop by Chan’s studio before heading home, maybe the leader would even have a little snack left for him, but when he knocks on the door there's no answer, Han tries again, a bit louder this time. Still no reaction, weird. Well Chan is probably just working hard, with his noise canceling headphones on or something. Han shrugs and throws his backpack over his shoulder and heads out. When he steps out in the midnight air it smells like rain, a shiver runs down his spine. “Should have brought a jacket,” Han sighs, feeling stupid, he keeps forgetting stuff these weeks. He bites his lower lip, his eyebrows furrowing. He’s so busy he can’t even remember to bring a jacket, his head is overflowing with thoughts.
He puts his headphones on and tries to ignore the racing thoughts in his head, his hands are shaking a bit. It could be the cold or it could be the 5 coffees he had tonight. As quickly as possible he flags down a taxi and tries his best to stay awake, but his eyes keep closing by themselves. A sudden sharp turn shakes him more awake and he realizes he’s almost at the dorm.
After quickly paying and thanking the taxi driver Han hurries into the apartment building. Three flights of stairs later and he's absolutely spent, he yawns and slaps his cheek, trying to be awake enough so he can open the door in one go and not jingle his keys so loud that the neighbors will think that Santa arrived early. On the second try he gets his key in the lock and as quiet as possible he opens the door and takes off his shoes. Then he notices Chan’s shoes, he’s already home? That explains Chan not answering the studio door. Han rubs his forehead, coming home after Chan does really is a new low. A knot forming in his stomach, he swallows hard and tries to push the guilt away.
After a quick shower and skincare routine he does on autopilot Han finally lays down in his bed. It's 5 am and he already knows he’s fucked tomorrow. Han presses his face in his pillow and groans, he can’t function well on 3 hours of sleep.
He’s just a mess. The schedule changed recently and they're extra busy preparing for their next comeback, a lot of deadlines are creeping closer and closer. The pressure has been building for weeks, preparing for the new comeback, dance practices, never ending rehearsals. And Han can feel his energy burning and slowly getting less every day, really relying on energy drinks or coffee to push through the day. It’s really taking a toll on him and his mood, even if he tries to convince himself otherwise, which he tries desperately. They make long days and even when he tries to rest he ends up working, the pressure too high. He has no free time, normally he would try and join the others on little outings, but now he’s too tired, rather having a 10 minute nap instead. But he can’t slack off, it has to be perfect- no better than perfect for Stay.
…
It’s early, way too early when he is awoken by his alarm and has to crawl out of bed. After eating breakfast with the other zombies and cleaning up they all head to the company. Hyunjin sits next to him in the car and he keeps chatting, Every word goes in and immediately out his ears.
‘’Han? Are you even listening?’’ Han rubs his head and groans, “Hmm.’’ Hyunjin rolls his eyes and turns to the right, finding a new victim to unload his word waterfall on which happens to be Changbin. Han looks out of the window trying to distract himself, but he can’t ignore the sinking feeling in his gut. His mind starts to wander again, his schedule is really busy, but all of the member’s schedules are. They’re fine, he should be fine. So why is it so difficult for him. Han grabs his phone and tries to rewrite some ideas in his notes. If he can work something out now, maybe he’ll be able to finish early tonight.
A little after 8:30 the rest of the group arrives, some looking more awake than the others. Han does some warm up techniques together with Seungmin and it's clear that the younger is trying to make him lighten up a bit, and he can’t help but crack a smile at Seungmin’s antics. After fooling around for a minute the dance practice starts and Han is grateful he warmed up well because in the new choreo he really has to be flexible but also fast. With quick formation changes and footwork.
He sits back against the wall and watches the others dance in the mirror. His eyes wander over to Hyunjin, his arms moving smoothly while the footwork is more intense, it already looks like he has mastered the choreography. Hyunjin is in his element, it’s clear he was made to dance, it’s mesmerizing to look at. He effortlessly executed the dance moves and even his sweat looks sexy. Without realizing it Han is staring at Hyunjin
Suddenly a hand is waving in his face, “Helloooo? Earth to Han?” Han snaps out of it and blinks quick as he looks up, “Huh?’’ Jeongin stands in front of him, holding his hand out to help him up. ‘‘C’mon, we are far from done.” Han lets out a sigh, “Yeah yeah.. I know." He grabs the maknae’s hand and joins the rest again. They practice as a group for a while, working on their synchronisation and helping each other out. Squeaking sneakers and the loud music fills the room.
Han groans in frustration, it's like his body won’t listen to his mind. He keeps messing up. He mumbles softly, “I can’t do it.” He pants heavily and puts his hands on his knees. Suddenly Minho pops up behind him. “What’s going on?” “Nothing. Too much, I don’t know.” Han tries the move one more time and messes up again, he pushes his hair out of his face and frowns. Minho grins, “You’re trying to do this one?’ -and does it right on the first try. “Just do this.” -Minho does the dance move again. Han groans, “Sure man.” Minho cackles and looks at the annoyed expression on Han's face. “Okay- okay I’ll help you.”
When Han feels like he has done the choreography at least 50 times and sweat is dripping down his forehead they finally wrap it up. The room smells like sweat and he can hear the air conditioner working overtime. The members are sprawled out over the practice room, all exhausted, Chan and Felix sit against the mirror talking enthusiastically, their chatter filling up the room. Jeongin and Seungmin are annoying Changbin, chasing him around, Han feels tired just watching them, how do they still have the energy for that. Minho and Hyunjin are laying on the couch together. Han stumbles towards the couch, completely drained.
“Jinnie~ Linoo~’’ Han just throws himself at them, landing roughly on the two sitting on the couch. Minho groans and Hyunjin lets out a yelp, “Watch out!’ Han just puts his head on Minho’s chest and whines. Hyunjin huffs, “How come he can get away with it but I have to be cooked in the airfryer huh?” Minho lets out a snort and says, “No comment.” He runs his hand through Han’s hair and pats his shoulder. Hyunjin pulls Han's legs up so he’s laying on them fully, “Euhg you’re sweaty-” “As if you aren't-” Minho interrupts Hyunjin mid-sentence. "Just shut up..” Han says softly as he snuggles closer to them. Not caring that they’re sweaty and don’t smell good at all.
A looming feeling falls over him when he remembers all the stuff he still has to do. He really tries his best to forget about it and just enjoy the moment but he feels nauseous from the stress. And he can already feel a headache starting, the other two are oblivious to his worries and are bickering with each other while Han lays on top of them. From further away it looks like a bunch of limbs are tangled on the couch.
…
Han is back at the dorm and just took a quick shower. He is home alone. Chan and Changbin went to the studio to work on a new track and Hyunjin is still at the company who knows where. He made up an excuse about being able to concentrate better at the dorm. He closes his eyes for a second, tiredness washing over him. He is exhausted, it feels like his mind is working overtime, distant memories and embarrassing moments show up in flashes, and he can’t seem to rest for more than 5 seconds before new things flood his mind. He doesn’t want to ask for help because he knows everyone is just as busy and he doesn’t want someone else picking up his responsibilities. He should be able to do it himself.
He sighs, maybe he just needs a distraction.. He messages Felix asking him if he could join him in a game and luckily Felix almost instantly messages him back with a thumbs up. He calls him and Felix picks up immediately, “Hanniee! I’ll join you now, I just finished my work.” Han sits back into his chair, trying to relax his tense shoulders. And starts the game when Felix joins his lobby. Felix talks excitedly about his day and how he went to a cafe with Seungmin to get coffee for the others and met some fans who were really nice. And how he progressed so much with the choreography together with danceracha.
Han complains, “How come you are already done with work. For me it feels like new stuff to do just appears out of thin air whenever I think I’m done. It's so busy.” Felix just brushes him off, “Yeah it’s busy now, but it’s also fun, aren’t you excited to showcase it to Stay soon?” He doesn’t seem to get the severity of Han's situation.
“But Lix I’m so busy I can’t even breathe, like according to the schedule I should've finished a track by that time.” Han whines,“I’m sooo exhausted.’’ Felix laughs, ‘’Yeah I get what you mean, but you just have to get used to it again.’’ They finish a round and then Felix says, “I’ve got to go, Minho hyung made dinner and it smells amazing. Byee Hannie.” By the mention of Minho’s cooking a wave of jealousy washes over him, oh how he would kill for a taste of Minho’s kimchi fried rice..
His stomach rumbles, but he is dreading to actually cook. Han walks to the kitchen and makes some instant noodles, any food is better than no food right? He cleans up after himself, with Hyunjin’s voice in the back of his head, remembering how he scolded him the last time for leaving a mess behind.
He goes back to his room and sits at his desk, alright he’ll work on some stuff now. He ignores his increasing headache and turns his computer on, opens his mixing program and forces himself to just start. It doesn’t have to be good, he knows it’ll sound horrible but he just needs to start somewhere.
After messing around on his computer for quite a while and getting nowhere he grabs his notebook, flipping through the pages filled with notes and ideas, he hasn’t written in it for a while. They’re all old ideas and if he’s being honest they all suck. He needs something new, something fresh. Han taps his pen on the paper, searching in the depths of his mind for ideas. But the paper stays blank. The empty blue lines torment him, he sighs and rubs his head. He hits the side of his head in frustration,“Think, just think..”
But hours later the paper is still empty, apart from some scribbles on the margin. His head feels heavy, all his thoughts are blurred and he can’t seem to focus on any in particular, they disappear before he can grasp them. He can’t get anything out, even though he desperately wants to. He tried to write lyrics, but ends up with gibberish. The silence in his room contrasts the chaos in his head. Han groans and rests his head on the table, he just can’t do this today. He needs to have something, he can’t show up empty handed tomorrow. Han stares at the black screen of his laptop, it turned off because he was inactive for too long.
When he turns it back on he sees that it’s already 1 am. All that time wasted, he did nothing- nothing! Han feels a wave of anger pass through him, why is he so useless. The thoughts he buried in the back of his mind came to the surface once again. You’re worthless, they don’t need you, they’d be better off without you, you just hold the group back, those people were right you’re a weak addiction to Straykids, they- Han tries to stop the raging train of thought, trying to convince himself that it’s not true, but he knows how he has been performing the last couple of weeks and he knows it’s far from good..
Han slams his laptop shut, frustrated with himself, with his stupid brain that doesn’t seem to work with him. Suddenly it’s like a switch was flipped and all the anger that filled him before slips away, the anger now replaced by a hollow feeling in his chest. Not quite sadness, but he can feel his heart ache and his eyes prick and he can’t handle it for long before silent tears are running down his face, he sniffles and tries to wipe them away with his hand, but they keep falling.
With unsteady feet he stumbles over to his bed and gets under the covers. A heartbreaking sob leaves his trembling lips. He can’t- he just can’t do this anymore. He curls up into a little ball and cries softly into his pillow.
When he finally stops crying his pillow is wet with snot and tears, he feels numb. Like nothing really matters anymore, he’s going to fuck it up anyway. A shiver goes down his spine and Han pulls his blanket up, not that it helps. The cold has nestled itself in his bones, into his chest, in his fingertips and it feels like no amount of warmth would make it go away.
He can’t seem to fall asleep, hours pass by as he stares at the ceiling, darky liquidy shapes moving like oil in his vision. Endless thoughts keep him awake all night. He’s picking himself apart, all the mistakes he made, all the wrong things he said. Everything he did, how he burdened the others with his failures. All his flaws, the fights he had, all the ways he possibly hurt the other members haunting him till sunrise.
The sound of birds chirping fill his room, a ray of sunlight that the blinds let through shines in his eyes. Han sits up against the wall and groans, he’s exhausted. He closes his eyes for a second trying to come to peace with the fact that he will have to survive today without any sleep at all. Suddenly a loud blaring fills the room, frightened by the ear-piercing sound his eyes fly wide open. Startled, he tries to find his alarm, wanting to stop the alarm as quickly as possible. When the noise stops he lets out a deep sigh, that did not help his headache in the slightest.
Han drags himself out of bed, grabbing the first pair of pants he sees on the floor and a hoodie somewhat clean that he found on his chair. As he walks into the kitchen he spots Hyunjin sitting on the countertop, hair still wet from the shower. The taller boy raises his eyebrow, “Damn you look rough.. Bad night?” Han grumbles something unintelligible and sits down at the table that’s already made.
A few seconds later Changbin and Chan join them at the table, chatting about their personal records in the gym. Something about weights, he catches bits of the conversation but nothing really sticks. He stares into space, to nothing in particular before he gets pulled out of it by Changbin's voice exclaiming excitedly, “Hannie you should join us again! When was the last time we worked out together?” Chan chuckles and slightly shakes his head, “Gosh I can’t even remember it’s been a while.” Han smiles, “Mhm.. yeah.” The answer is vague, and his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
His plate stays empty and Hyunjin notices, trying to find Han’s eyes, “You alright? You haven’t eaten anything..” “Mhm, just nauseous. I’ll eat later.” Han can’t bring himself to eat breakfast, his stomach turning at the idea. Changbin swallows his bite and frowns, “You’re not getting sick I hope?” Han waves his hand dismissively and mutters, “It’ll go away.”
The others don’t ask any more questions and eat the rest of their breakfast in silence. But he can feel Chan’s eyes on him, studying his face. He can tell that the other is worried about him, he has that particular soft look in his eyes and he despises it. He hates that look, he hates that Chan seems to look right through him.
Han stands up, mumbling something about going to the bathroom and leaves the table, leaving his clean white plate behind. He splashes some ice cold water in his face, hoping it’ll shock him awake, it works a bit. After he has done his skincare and put on a decent outfit, he doesn’t feel like his eyes will close by themselves anymore. When Han steps out in the hallway someone clears his throat, his head jerks up in surprise. The leader stands in front of him, his arms crossed and his head slightly tilted.
Han feels himself stiffen, startled by Chan's sudden appearance, he can’t bring up the energy to act fine right now, and he’s sure the elder noticed something was off.. Chan puts his hand on Han’s shoulder, but the younger immediately shrugs it off. “Han.. what’s going on.” “Nothing. ‘M fine.” Han mumbles. Chan is silent for a bit, internally debating how to deal with Han. “Well okay.. We are leaving in 5 minutes so be ready.”
Han stutters,“I- shit, I’m sorry I need to do stuff here, I need to transfer it and- my verse- I lost my notes and I think it’s somewhere in my drawer.” According to the schedule 3racha should have finished 3 tracks and some demo’s by today, and he’s not sure if they’ll meet the deadline..
He knows he’s putting the leader on the spot. Han can see the disappointment in Chan’s eyes, the way they hold his gaze just a little longer than necessary. The muscle in his jaw tensing, the way the corner of his mouth turns slightly downward. The tension between them is suddenly broken by a loud shout. Changbin yells, “Guys hurry, the cab is here!” Chan hesitates for a second before begrudgingly giving in, “Just this once, but you know we have deadlines and a schedule to follow.”
Han looks at his shoes, “Yes hyung.” Chan looks back down the hallway and then at Han again, “I- just text me when you can come. Han nods, Chan gives him a quick hug that Han receives rather awkwardly before hurrying to the door. They yell bye, the door is slammed closed and then it’s quiet, apart from the aircon running and the soft sounds of nature creeping through an ajar window.
The smell of food is lingering in the living room when Han sits down on the couch. He yawns and positions his laptop on his lap and brushes some crumbs from the blanket on the floor. He tries to get comfortable and starts his mixing program up. He already knows trying to write lyrics is a lost cause, his head busy and filled with a million things. He puts on his headphones and messes around with his settings for a while, a low bass filling his ears.
He was actually a bit surprised they just let him stay home, even with the promise of working and the losing his notes excuse. Not that he gave Chan much time to think about it, he’ll probably change his mind and make him join later anyway. He turns his volume up and tries to drown out his thoughts with the music.
…
Han opens his eyes, feeling disoriented he mumbles, “Huh, what-” When he sits up a bit the edge of his laptop presses harshly into his thigh because of the movement. Just now he was.. That can’t be right, a pit of dread fills his stomach. He fell asleep and he didn’t even realize he was dreaming about work and not doing it, he really is useless.
His neck hurts from laying in a weird position, he rubs his muscles trying to release the knots in his neck and shoulders. His eyes are dry and burn slightly because of the bright light coming in from the window. Disappointed in himself he swallows hard and stands up to grab a bottle of water from the counter. It's half empty and he’s not sure for how long it’s been there, but water can’t turn bad right? He shrugs, well at least there’s no visible mold in it, and chugs it. He looks at the time, shit it’s 2 pm. Which means he slept for 3 hours, though his body doesn’t feel rested at all, he just feels even more tired. Han groans in frustration and rubs his eyes before putting his laptop away and checking his phone.
Han checks his messages and like he suspected, Chan called him multiple times the past hour and texted him. -Come to the studio, we have to meet a deadline. Please tell me you progressed with your verse, we need it.- Han feels a warmth spread over his face, becoming red. "Oh shit, I’m so fucked.”
…
When Han walks to the studio he feels nauseous, he tried to prepare a bit in the car ride to the company, but he’s not confident at all that it’ll be good enough. They know he can do better, they’ll see through it.
He knocks on the door and pulls his hood up before entering, trying to hide his face as much as possible. Chan jokes, “Finally, I was afraid you were kidnapped by monsters.” Changbin chuckles, “Now you just have to work for one.” Chan punches Changbin in his arm and rolls with his eyes, but can’t hide how the corner of his mouth curls up into a soft smile. Han sits down on the couch next to Changbin and sighs, “Sorry hyung, I turned off my phone, for.. concentration purposes you know.”
Chan raises his eyebrow slightly but doesn’t ask further, “Okay let’s see what you got. We're trying to lay down some basic vocals as guidelines for the others.” Han grabs his phone, opening his notes app where he hastily wrote some lyrics down not so long ago. The two lean closer and listen to Han trying to explain the thought behind the lyrics in an unsure voice, stumbling over his words. Changbin seems a bit annoyed at Han’s preparation, or rather the lack of it. He cuts Han off and says, “Let’s just continue with the demo first, then we’ll get somewhere. Alright?”
Han nods sheepishly and listens to what the two boys did in his absence. But if he’s being honest, nothing the guys say gets through him, he doesn't even know why he’s here. It’s obvious the two can do it alone, why do they need him? It’s not like he has such great ideas. Trying to concentrate and listen to the fast paced talking is getting more difficult by the minute, his headache is getting worse. He’s being more quiet and distant. Not really talking anymore, just occasionally nodding or humming in agreement to something the older boys say. He feels so drained..
He listens to the voices of the other members who recorded some of their parts already, Seungmin’s angelic voice filling the room, a pang of jealousy goes through him, making his chest tighten. He wishes he could sing like that, so light- so full of emotion. The way Seungmin is able to translate his feelings to song is incredible. His jaw tenses, the disappointment in himself growing by the minute, he feels absolutely useless, he doesn’t contribute anything at all.
Chan is in the record booth laying down some vocals, trying some different things and asking the other two for their thoughts on it. Changbin seems hyped, the pure opposite of Han. He feels like he can just pass out again right then and there, suppressing a yawn as he tries to disappear in his hoodie. Chan joins them again and takes his chair back from Changbin after some light bickering.
Once again they are layering sounds
on top of each other, stacking rhythms and adding as much as removing. Trying to make it sound just right, moving back and forth. Chan adds samples but removes at least half of them after Changbin points some stuff out that doesn’t mix. Han tries his best not to fall asleep but it’s difficult, really difficult.
Suddenly Changbin pokes him multiple times, “Han- Hanniee, are you with us~” Han’s hands are shaking, but he tries to hide it. “Wakee up Hannie!” Changbin pulls the hood from Han’s hoodie down to reveal his pale face, that was the last straw for Han.
“Just shut up. Leave me be!’’ It came out harsher than he intended. His lips are trembling and Han feels the familiar lump in his throat getting worse. Changbin is taken aback by Han’s outburst and raises his hands in defense, “Jeez, calm down man. It’s never that serious.” Changbin feels like normally he’s quite good at sensing how people are feeling and can see when he should or shouldn't joke around. But this time he didn’t notice. Han angrily pulls his hood back up and storms out. Chan and Changbin exchange a look. There’s a tense atmosphere, Changbin raises his eyebrow, “What was that about?'’ Chan shrugs, "I don't know...”
Han stands in the hallway, his breathing shaky. Tears are forming in his eyes, quickly he tries to blink them away, but it's too late. He runs to the nearest toilets and locks himself in a stall, not able to stop the tears or the rising feeling in his stomach, he feels like absolute shit. He tries to steady himself by placing his hands on the wall, but at this point his legs are unstable. He turns his back against the wall and he sinks down against it. He doesn't care about the gross floor, he doesn't care about anything right now. He sits with his hands in his hair, trying to calm the racing feeling in his chest. He tries to remember the breathing exercises he had to do but the thought slips away before he can grasp onto it. His breathing is getting faster and he feels his heart racing. ‘’I can’t- I can’t- I need to..” But he can’t remember what he’s supposed to do, his head feels like it'll explode from the pressure. Han rocks slightly back and forth and whispers to himself: “It’s fine, it’s okay..”
He doesn’t know for how long he’s sitting there but it feels like hours, his brain is on high alert and every time he hears someone enter the restroom he holds his breath, scared someone will see him like this. Han feels nauseous, he remembers that he forgot to eat and feels weak, his body still shaking. He has no energy left, it’s like it all got sucked out of him.
His eyes are red and puffy, Han splashes some cold water in his face and avoids his eyes. He doesn’t have to look at himself in the mirror to know he looks absolutely pathetic. ‘Okay pull it together..’ He mumbles to himself with a trembling breath. Han pulls his hood up and slips out of the bathroom. He takes the staircase in the back of the building, not wanting to bump into anyone he knows right now.
He breathes in the cold fresh air trying to calm down but he still feels jittery. The street lights cast a blue-ish shade on the sidewalk. Han walks, making random turns, he doesn’t know where he’s going. He just goes somewhere, anywhere is fine, he just needs to be alone. He needs to feel the cold air seep into his jacket, settling in his bones, making his skin feel the same as the inside of his chest. It’s like tiny needles are poking his hands,
After pacing for who knows how long Han sits down on a bench, facing a fence and some bushes. His feet hurt, but the pounding of his head drowns it out, mostly. He stares off into the distance, what now. He can’t go back to the dorm, not yet. Not like this, he can’t handle the worried looks he’ll get, they will push him to talk, but he doesn't have anything to say. Why is he the way he is, he doesn’t even know himself. He grinds his teeth while the thoughts make his head spin, it’s overwhelming and he feels his heart picking up and the oh so familiar lump in his throat return. Han harshly pushes his nails into his palms, creating small crescent shapes in his hand. The pain grounding him for a moment. He lets out a shaky breath, immediately feeling guilty for going back to his old methods. He knows better than to distract with pain, it’s a slippery slope. Not that he’s gonna do anything to himself, but sometimes he wished he could. Han is kind of startled by his own thoughts, things he thought he buried deep inside, coming back up. Stuff he desperately pushed away taunting his mind. He leans back onto the wooden bench and stares in front of him, dissociating.
Strayadults
Hj: Where is Hanji?
I can’t get a hold of him
Dinner is ready
I.N: idk he’s not here at the company
Cb: He isn’t home yet? He left the studio a while ago, he seemed angry so we just let him be. Chan and I will be home in 5 mins or so
Sm: he’s not at our dorm
Lk: Have you checked the park?
…
He has no idea how long he sat there, he has no idea how much time passed at all. All he knew is that it was dark, nothing apart from the moon shining light on the ground. A few stars twinkle in the dark sky, no clouds obscuring his view as Han looks up. He kicks a pebble, his shoes grating over the pavement, walking back to the dorm in a daze. He tries to be as silent as possible as he enters the building, really not wanting to speak to anyone right now. He’s not sure he’ll be able to talk, the lump in his throat still annoyingly present.
Han leans down to untie his shoes but he struggles with the laces. After fumbling with them for a while he finally is able to untie the knot. As silent as possible he takes off his shoes, tiptoe-ing over the floor, carefully dodging the one plank that creaks. A low voice suddenly fills the room, “Where have you been..” Han jolts in surprise, he didn’t notice him in the dark room. Chan is leaning against the counter, looking exhausted, “We couldn’t get a hold of you.” The leader's voice trembles slightly.
Han stays silent, not sure what to say or do, just wishing he could disappear. Chan rubs his forehead with his hand, letting out a sigh. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but your work is suffering because of it. This is your job, sometimes it's fun, sometimes it isn’t.” A hint of frustration slips through his steady voice, “But you can’t just walk out like that and then go off the radar for hours. Yeah, you get that?” Chan raises his voice at him, but it has no effect on Han, he still has the same dazed look on his face. As if he’s not completely there.
Chan notices Han’s puffy face, his eyes are red and slightly swollen. “A-are you on something?” The sentence comes out of his mouth with a slight stutter as if he’s surprised by his own words. Chan moves closer trying to get a better look at Han in the dimmed kitchen lights, but Han flinches slightly and steps backward. Chan frowns, “Han-ah, I’m not mad- not at all, I’m just..” Realizing how late it is, Chan’s sentence ends in a whisper. “…disappointed.” Han stares at the ground, slightly shaking but trying his best to hide it from the leader.
Chan realizes he’s not getting through him, the younger's glossy eyes are staring right through him. It feels like he’s talking to himself, Han doesn't say anything or really acknowledge what Chan is saying. The leader rubs his face, feeling exhausted and not sure how to deal with Han right now. He groans softly and says, “You just go get some sleep now. ‘kay?”
Han doesn’t even remember taking off his clothes and getting under the covers, still in a haze. But now he’s laying in bed, the soft linen covers pulled up to his chin. He’s staring at the ceiling, the uncomfortable feeling still gnawing at his insides. It doesn't seem to matter how tired he is, he can’t fall asleep. Han tosses and turns in his bed until he’s tangled up in the blanket and silent tears run down his face.