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Simon was drowning, and no one had noticed. He’d been struggling since starting at Hillerska, but what started out as typical teenage stress had blown into full blown shit-hitting-the-fan ever since August released that stupid sex video. He felt like he had no one to turn to; Wille was still dealing with being crown prince and his mama’s mental health, he and Sara weren’t speaking, Ayub and Rosh didn’t understand, and his mama was already so busy and dealing with so much that he didn’t want to put more on her shoulders.
He trudged his way through the days, trying to keep his head up and act like everything was fine. Sometimes he could even convince himself of it. But then he’d read a rude comment online or have a slur thrown his way while trying to get groceries, and it would all come back. He knew he should stay off of social media, but the idea of not knowing what people were saying about him was worse than seeing it. Wille kept telling him to ignore the things people said online and in person, but he couldn’t. Every comment felt like a knife to the chest, and he wondered how long it would be until he bled out.
He and Wille were in Wille’s dorm room on a random Wednesday, Wille pacing and ranting about his mama and how she wasn’t taking his calls. Simon was trying to listen and be supportive, he was, but his mind kept straying. Wille eventually noticed and rounded on him.
“Are you even listening to anything I’m saying?” Wille spat. “I need support, Simon! My mama is having a breakdown, I haven’t talked to her or papa in over a week, and all Farima will tell me when I call is that she’s ‘resting.’ What am I supposed to do?!”
Simon met his eyes, guilt washing over him.
“I’m sorry, Wille.”
“That’s it? I’m sorry? That’s all you can come up with?” Wille’s chest was heaving, and he was gearing up for a fight.
“I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what to do,” Simon replied quietly, eyes downcast to avoid Wille’s angry gaze.
“You could be supportive! Actually participate in the conversation when I talk to you! All you care about lately is what people are saying online, it’s like you don’t care about anyone but yourself!”
Simon’s eyes started to water, and he blinked rapidly, trying desperately to keep them from falling.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“For fuck’s sake, stop just saying you’re sorry! What the hell is going on with you lately?!” Wille yelled, throwing his arms out in frustration.
Simon flinched at the yelling. He hated being yelled at, and Wille knew it.
“I don’t know, I just… I’m struggling,” he admitted.
“I’ve told you over and over to stop reading the fucking online comments, but you won’t! And then you go and do things like posting videos of you singing about those people. It’s like you want them to make comments about you!”
Simon finally lost his battle against his tears, tucking his chin further into his chest to try and hide it.
“You know that’s not true,” he whispered.
“I don’t know anything anymore, Simon! It’s like you’re begging for negative attention, and I don’t get it.”
Simon didn’t say anything, knowing that anything he said would be used against him.
“What, now you’re just not going to talk? Then get out. Go home and read more comments about yourself and us, since that’s all you seem to want to do anymore!”
Simon looked up at Wille in shock at his words. Wille’s face was red from anger and his chest was heaving from yelling. He saw Wille’s face drop when he saw the tears streaming down Simon’s face, realizing he’d gone too far.
“Simon,” Wille started gently, walking towards Simon with his arms out, as if to embrace him.
Simon shook his head, standing up from the bed and grabbing his phone and backpack. He crossed the room towards the door without looking at Wille, not pausing even as Wille begged him to come back. He closed the door behind him gently, shutting the door on Wille.
He didn’t run into anyone on his way to the bus stop, and thankfully didn’t have to wait long for the bus to come take him home. He couldn’t stop the flow of tears, but the bus was mostly empty, so at least the odds of pictures of him crying being leaked to the tabloids were fairly low.
He made it home without incident, and was, for once, thankful that the house was empty. He dropped his backpack and phone by the door and made his way into his bedroom, shutting the door and collapsing into bed. The tears came back, and he did nothing to stop them. He let himself sob into his pillow, curling in on himself to try and provide some sense of comfort.
He didn’t know how long he laid there, but eventually the tears stopped and he made his way to the bathroom, staring blankly before filling the tub. He got into the near-burning water, letting himself zone out. When the water had gone lukewarm he submerged himself. His lungs were burning, screaming for oxygen, but he stayed under. He idly wondered how long he could stay submerged without falling unconscious. He let out some of the air in his lungs, relieving some of the pressure. He had just released the rest of the air out of his lungs and was contemplating pulling himself from the water when a hand gripped his arm, ripping him out of the water.
Simon gasped, body desperate for oxygen, looking up in confusion. His mama was staring at him in horror, hand still clutching his arm.
“Simon! What happened?” She asked frantically.
“Nothing, mama, I’m fine. I was taking a bath.”
It came back to Simon that he was in the bathtub and naked. He tried to free his arm to cover himself, but his mama’s grip was too strong. Simon could feel himself turning bright red, humiliation washing over him.
“You were under the water, Simon! You were under and you didn’t come up,” she exclaimed.
“I wasn’t under for that long, mama. Can I please get out and get dressed?”
“Get dressed and then come into the living room. We’re not done talking about this, Simon,” she stated, finally releasing his arm and leaving the room.
Simon sighed, pulling himself out of the tub and draining the water before dressing quickly. He walked into the living room, seeing his mama sitting on the couch with her head in her hands.
“Mama?” Simon called, making his way to sit next to her on the couch.
“Simon… My love, what’s going on?”
“Nothing, mama, I’m fine.”
“Simon. Do you even know how long you were under water?”
Simon paused, thinking. He didn’t actually know. He didn’t think it could’ve been too long, especially since he was conscious the whole time.
“I don’t know, mama, like 20 seconds? I was fine,” he tried to assure her.
“Simon, you were under for at least that long by the time I got to you, and I know you were under for more than that before I came in. Did you hit your head? Is that why you were under?” She asked worriedly.
“No, mama, I’m not hurt. I told you, I was just bathing before bed.”
“Simon, you don’t stay under water for that long to wash yourself. You’ve been sad and anxious lately; were you trying to kill yourself?” She asked gently.
Simon blanched. “No! Mama, no, I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, I promise.”
She just stared at him, not saying anything. They sat in silence for several minutes before Linda finally broke the silence.
“Simon… What’s going on, my love? You haven’t been yourself lately. Talk to me.”
Simon closed his eyes, sighing deeply before opening his eyes and looking at his mama.
“I’m fine, mama. School’s been stressful lately, it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve just been more tired.”
“Try again.”
Simon stared at his mama in surprise. He’d expected her to take him at face value and not question his answer.
“Do you know how I found you in the tub, Simon?” Linda asked.
Simon shook his head.
“I walked in and your phone was buzzing like crazy. I was bringing it to your room when I walked past the bathroom. You left the door open. I saw you under the water, and then you just… didn’t come back up. So be honest with me, Simon. What’s going on?”
Simon could see the tears in her eyes and had to fight his own back.
“I promise I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, mama. Everything has just been… a lot, lately. All of the press and pressure since Wille came out is hard. The things people say about me… It hurts, mama. And I can’t stop myself from looking,” Simon was crying in earnest now. “I don’t know why I can’t stop, but it feels like if I don’t look to see what people are saying I’m just gonna get blindsided, again. So I look, and it fucking sucks. And it feels like I have no one to go to to talk about it.”
Linda pulled Simon into her arms, rubbing his back and murmuring comforting words into his hair.
“You can always come to me, Simon, always,” she assured.
“I know, but you’ve got so much going on already, and you’ve been working so much. And I know you’re stressed out about Sara moving in with papa and not going to school, and I don’t want to add to it,” Simon sobbed.
“Oh, Simon. It’s not your job to take care of me, my love. I’m your mama, I’m here for you no matter what. No matter how much I may or may not have going on, you and your sister come first. That will never change, Simon, no matter how old you get. I love you, Simon.”
Simon clutched his mama tighter, sobbing into her shirt in a way he hadn’t since he was a little kid. They sat there until his tears dried and exhaustion came pouring into him. He slumped further into his mama’s embrace, not having the energy to hold himself up any longer.
“Come on, my love, it’s bedtime. I’m keeping you home from school for the rest of the week. You need to rest and take a step back from everything.”
Simon nodded, relieved at the opportunity to not have to put on a front for a while.
“And no phone. Looking at what people are saying on social media isn’t good for you, Simon. You can text Wille and tell him you’ll be out of school and won’t have your phone, but then I’m taking it.”
Simon shook his head.
“We fought tonight; we’re not talking. I don’t want to text him right now,” he whispered, looking down at his lap.
Linda frowned but didn’t push it.
“Okay. Let’s go to bed, yeah? Get a good night’s rest and we can talk more in the morning.”
Simon nodded, standing up with her and making his way to his room. They said goodnight and went their separate ways.
-----
Simon got no sleep. He tried, he really did, but he spent the entire night tossing and turning. He replayed the argument with Wille over and over and over. He’d never seen his boyfriend that… cruel. He knew Wille had a tendency to get angry quickly and yell, the image of Wille pointing a loaded gun at August immediately coming to his mind, but it had never been directed at him with that level of ferocity. Wille had never kicked him out like that.
As he tossed and turned he started having doubts. Would they last? Were they doomed to break up? They were young, still teens trying to figure the world out. Maybe they weren’t destined to last. And maybe, just maybe, Simon didn’t want it to. He was in love with Wille, of course he was, but he didn’t want to be with someone that could treat him like that. He refused to fall into the pattern his parents had been in; good periods followed by terrible, abusive ones. Maybe it was time to end it before it could get any worse.
He sighed, deciding sitting in bed with his thoughts wasn’t helping. He didn’t bother changing out of his pajamas before making his way to the kitchen. His mama was already awake and making breakfast, and smiled gently at him when he appeared in the doorway. He gave her a small smile back, settling himself at the table as she brought over pancakes.
“Good morning. How did you sleep?” Linda asked.
Simon shook his head, tired eyes focused on the table.
Linda smiled sadly at him, pulling him in for a hug before loading his plate with pancakes. They sat in silence as they ate. Simon was lost in his own world, while Linda couldn’t take her eyes off of her son. She didn’t know how she’d managed to miss his depression for so long, but she wasn’t going to make that mistake again.
When they were both finished with breakfast and Simon had washed their dishes, they settled on the couch for another uncomfortable discussion.
“I think you need to see a therapist, Simon. You’ve been going through a lot, and I should have gotten you into therapy long before now. It’ll be good, having someone to talk to.”
Simon was shaking his head before she was even finished speaking.
“I can’t, mama. It’ll get out that I’m seeing a therapist and it’ll just pile on more shit. I’m fine, I just had a bad day.”
“Simon, this is more than just one bad day. This has been going on for months, and it’s taking more and more of a toll on you, my love. We’ll find a way to make sure the press doesn’t become aware of it. Maybe we can do virtual sessions? Or you could start seeing the school psychologist.”
“I don’t need to see someone. I’m not going to, mama. I’m already labeled as the weak, dramatic, attention-seeking gay boy. I’m not risking adding fuel onto the fire.”
Simon stood up from the couch, effectively ending the conversation, and retreated back into his bedroom. He was glad, at least, that he didn’t have to go to school today. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle seeing Wille after what had been said yesterday.
Linda appeared not long after. She handed him a glass of water and two pills.
“To help you sleep,” she said.
Simon took them without complaint, desperate for anything that would help get him out of his head and a few blissful hours of sleep. He laid down as his mama left, closing his eyes and waiting for the meds to kick in.
---------
Simon wasn’t sure how long it was before he was blinking his eyes open. He sat in bed for a few minutes, trying to clear his head. He felt marginally better, at least less tired, though still upset at what Wille said. He thought about what his mama had said, but still felt like seeing a therapist would do more harm than good. If it got leaked… He didn’t even want to think about what the consequences would be and what new things people would come up with to say about him.
He finally pulled himself out of bed and went in search of his mama. He found her on the couch, idly watching tv. He joined her, letting himself lean into her side as she gently ran a hand through his hair.
“I spoke with Wille. He called several times and texted you even more. I told him you would be out of school for the week and don’t have your phone. Do you want to tell me what happened?” Linda asked.
“We got into a fight,” Simon replied.
Linda hummed.
“What was the fight about?”
Simon shrugged.
“He’s been stressed lately, with his mama’s health. He’s been asking for support, but I’ve been distracted. He doesn’t like that I look at the comments online and posted the video of me singing the song I wrote. We were in his room and he was ranting about his mama but I was in my own world and he got mad. I tried to tell him I’ve been struggling, but he yelled at me and told me it was my fault for looking at the comments and that he’s told me multiple times to stop, which he has. He… he accused me of… of doing it all on purpose and that I want the negative attention. He kicked me out, and I left.” Simon finished, tears streaming down his face.
“Oh, Simon. I love Wilhelm, you know I do, but that’s not an acceptable way to treat you. Even if he is stressed about his mama, it’s not okay for him to take it out on you. I know you love him, but love isn’t always enough. Especially if he treats you this way.” Linda said gently.
“I know,” Simon whispered. “I just don’t know what to do. I do love him, so much, and I know he’s going through a lot, but I am, too. I told him I’m struggling and he blamed it all on me. What do I do, mama?”
“I can’t answer that for you, my love. I think you need to consider how you feel when you’re around him. Is this a one time outburst or is it a pattern, or something that may become a pattern? Do you trust him to stand by you through everything, especially after he denied the video? I can’t answer those things for you, darling, but I can be here to talk with you and help you work it out.”
Simon sighed, burying himself further into his mama’s side.
“Thank you. I don’t think I can decide right now, but I don’t think I want to talk to him for a bit. I love him, but I think I need to step back.”
“I think that’s a very mature decision,” Linda assured him. “Why don’t we have some lunch and watch some movies until dinner? Then you can have some more sleep meds. Sleep makes everything clearer.”
Simon nodded, trusting his mama to guide him.
-------
Before Simon knew it, Monday had come. He was going back to school today, but didn’t have much more clarity on what to do about his relationship with Wille. He knew he’d have to face him today; Wille had texted him that he’d meet him at the bus stop.
Stepping off the bus, Simon saw Wille right where he said he’d be. Wille was gnawing at his lip, hands shoved deep into his pockets. He looked anxious, Simon noted.
“Hi,” Wille breathed when Simon stepped up to him.
“Hi,” Simon replied, not making eye contact.
“Can we talk? Please?”
Simon hesitated, looking around. There weren’t many people at the bus stop with them, but, as they had learned the hard way, you never knew who was lurking in the shadows.
“Not here. We need to get to class, anyway. We can talk after class.”
“But -” Wille started, eyebrows pulling together, unhappy with Simon’s answer.
Simon finally looked up.
“Later, Wille. I’m not having this conversation before class. We can talk at the end of the day or not at all,” Simon said, a bite in his tone.
Wille nodded. He held out his hand to Simon. Simon hesitated. Usually Wille’s touch was reassuring, but right now he didn’t have any positive feelings about it. He shook his head, trying not to feel guilty as Wille’s face dropped. He didn’t like hurting Wille, but he had to start standing up for himself and this was a small step in protecting himself.
They walked to class in silence. The day was long, the boys rarely speaking. Simon knew their classmates could tell something was wrong, but no one commented - at least to their faces.
The day seemed to speed by, and soon enough Simon was in Wille’s dorm, sitting on the unused bed. Wille had taken the hint that Simon needed space, and instead was sitting on the desk chair. Neither spoke for several minutes, before Wille couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“Simon… I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it, I was just upset about my mama and took it out on you.”
“I know. But I can’t be your verbal punching bag, Wille. I can’t do it. I don’t know if I can do… this,” Simon whispered, not looking up from his hands.
He heard Wille suck in a breath, and could imagine the look on his face.
“What are you saying, Simon?” Wille asked shakily.
“I don’t know. I love you, but is that enough?” Simon finally looked up at Wille.
Wille had tears streaming down his face, looking completely devastated.
“I’ll do better, Simon, I promise. I’ll do anything. I’ll talk to Borris more, I won’t talk about my mama with anyone but him, I swear, Simon. I’ll support you more, be there like I should have been from the start. Just please, please don’t break up with me.”
Wille was properly sobbing by the end, and Simon wasn’t any better. He was shaking his head, arms wrapped around himself to attempt to give himself some sense of comfort.
“I’m not asking you to stop talking about your feelings, Wille. You’re doing it again - you’re making it all about you. The problem isn’t you talking about your mama or being upset about what’s going on with her. I don’t think you understand the real issue here. Do you even know what people are saying about me? Has the royal court told you anything other than what affects your image?”
I…” Wille was lost for words. “No. They haven’t, and I haven’t looked,” Wille whispered, looking down. “I’m sorry. You told me, you’ve been telling me.”
Simon pulled out his phone, bringing up instagram. He opened up the comment section on one of his most recent posts, handing Wille the phone silently.
Wille took it, focusing on the screen. He scrolled slowly, face getting more and more horrified the longer he read. Finally he stopped reading, looking up at Simon.
“I knew they were saying shit but… I’m so sorry, Simon,” he whispered.
“I can’t do this alone, Wille. And I haven’t felt supported in this since the video came out. I’m starting to believe it’ll always be me fighting alone against them.”
“You won’t Simon, you won’t. I know I’ve broken promises before and you have no reason to believe me, but I won’t leave you alone in this again,” Wille was sobbing, reaching out towards Simon, desperate to hold him.
Simon wanted to take the comfort Wille was offering, but couldn’t bring himself to.
“I want to believe you, Wille, but I don’t think I can,” Simon whispered.
A horrible noise clawed its way out of Wille’s throat, and Simon felt his own tears start dripping down his cheeks.
“Please, Simon, don’t give up on this, on us. Please! One more chance, please, just give me one more.”
Wille had fallen to his knees from the chair, tears still racing down his cheeks.
Simon looked between Wille and the door, trying to make up his mind.
“Wille…” He whispered. “I’m sorry.”