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The gun felt heavier than normal, but Connor was used to this weight. Both physically and metaphorically. The power a gun holds, the lives it can take, Has taken.
Previously as a detective, it had taken the lives of many deviants before him. Now that he was deviant himself, it almost seemed… fitting.
"i killed them." That’s right. You did. "I didn’t want to." Are you sure?
Connor’s LED spun red viciously, illuminating the park. He was talking, but no one was there.
"I dont deserve to live." You dont, how could you? Was your freedom worth their freedom? Their lives? "No." Where you worth more than them?
"No! No, no, I’m nothing." Nothing without cyber life. "Nothing without cyber life." Connor agreed with solace, walking in jerked movements, covered by the darkness of the night.
Notifications popped into the corner of his HUD, blaring red with warnings for his stress level - and frantic messages from his partner, begging to know where he was, or if Connor was safe.
Connor dismissed them all.
His head hung heavy on his shoulders, each staggering step scraping on concrete, dragging closer to his destination. The benches, where he and hank spoke before the revolution.
Where Hank shot him.
In front of the glistening river, with perfect white flakes embracing his body peacefully into the earth. Where Connor died- and should have stayed dead.
How cruel it was of cyberlife to bring him back again and again for their use, only to be dismantled after the revolution. To leave him helplessly alive with no purpose. "With nothing. They left me with nothing." Connor muttered half coherently.
Crisp leaves crackled under his shoes when he slowed to a stop. There it was: his home. Connor would finally be able to go home. The androids fingers twitched against his firearm once the old wooden benches reached his feverish, over-bright eyes.
"Finally." Whisped past his dry lips. The air was cold, it nipped and pulled at his skin as the android tried to move. His tattered Cyberlife uniform ruffled with each movement. He had taken it out the closet just for this.
The wood creaked as Connor shifted onto the seat. His dark hair fluttered against the wind.
The revolution had ended only two months ago. It was peaceful. Hah. Peaceful for Markus, and the people he led. For Connor… What a wonderful machine he was. Ever the obedient killer. Connor ademmently destroyed so many Innocent, freedom seeking people. Up until the last moment.
Yet, he was being regarded as a Hero for his late contributions to the effort.
Truly, he felt out of place. More so, he felt like a monster. Tears began to flow in steady streams and Connor lifted his free hand to wipe at the fluid. He forced his gaze to watch the soft motion of the moon illuminated water. It lulled him into a numbing calmness, and he flickered to the weapon between his hands.
For a moment, Connor studied the metal.
Hank would not miss him. "Hank would not miss me." Of course he wouldn’t, not when the android had only served as a leach and a burden to the Lieutenant.
Markus would be relieved. "There would be one less Deviant murderer to worry about." Exactly. Maybe they’ll finally feel a little safer.
A sob escaped his lips. "Please.." Connor begged no one. Pleaded with nothing. No one would save him, no one wanted to. "I was never even given a chance.. to to be good.." Words escaped and squeezed between sobs, misshapen. He took the safety off the gun. "I wish i never woke up. i wish i never knew." How selfish. What a selfish wish. "I’m sorry." For yourself?
Connor sat in silence for a moment, before slotting one bullet in the chamber. He listened to the crashing waves and rustling autumn leaves. The wind whistling through his locks. For a moment, he closed his eyes and felt at peace.
Slowly, he lifted the heavy weapon under his chin and exhaled. Do it. The cold metal almost burned against his synthetic skin. Do it. His jaw tightened and clenched, his cheeks were wet. Do it, Connor. Complete your mission. Complete this mission, and you will never have to complete another one again.
"I’ll never be used for murder again."
"I thought i would find you here."
Connor felt rough hands fall over his own. A sudden presence weighed down the other end of the bench. His eyes flung open to find his partner. "Han.. Hank." Connor stammered, at a loss for words. The weapon still trembled beneath his chin. "Kid. Lower it. Please, please lower it."
Connor had never seen Hank so.. cautious. It made him feel sick. "Of course i cant even do this right." Connor laughed bitterly, fingers unmoving. "How did you even know I was here?"
Hank was clearly a mess himself- shoes untied, mismatched socks, his shirt buttoned incorrectly. White hairs clung to the sweat on his forehead, and the older man gulped before he spoke.
"You like what's familiar to you. you like this park because its one of the only ones you went to before all of this. i know you, kid. dont act like i dont."
Connor shifted his weight and avoided his exhausted Lieutenant's gaze.
"Why.. are you.. here?"
Hank looked as if that question has smacked him across his face. "Are-are you kidding me?" The superior officer's hands remained over Connor's, struggling to remove the androids fingers from the trigger.
"Connor, you’ve been giving all your things away," Hank continued, both his hands over Connor’s grip in a protective vice. "Dont you think ive noticed? You made your peace with Markus, and the DPD, handed in your resignation - left 10 months worth of rent - Jesus fucking Christ! Connor you … you left your coin on my desk." It was Hank’s turn to laugh now, but his tone was adorned with sadness. "I’ve been trying to kill myself for years Connor. But I actually care about you. You even kill your self in a considerate way. I bet you’re outside because you didn’t want me to have to clean up the mess."
Connor took a pause. "i-" and the sobs broke through the dam. Even if he does care, it doesn’t alleviate you of your responsibility. of your actions. you still killed those androids. you still need to atone. Connor winced. "I still need to atone." He echoed outwardly. "I died here, once."
"Connor, give me the gun." Hank spoke carefully, slowly trying to lift the weapon from his partners grasp. "When i died here, it was perfect." Connor allowed his lashes to flutter shut once more, reveling in the memory. "so perfect." Hank narrowed his gaze, "I killed you that day," the lieutenant began, holding the neck of the gun for dear life. "I didn’t understand you where alive. that was wrong of me." Connors fingers trembled against Hank, until finally the gun slipped and dropped into Hanks grasps. Hank held onto the weapon closely, immediately putting it into safety.
Connor’s eyes remained shut, but his voice shook as he replayed the memory for himself in perfect bliss. "And the snow blanketed over me until my optical units could take in no more data. When the thirium drained from my internal systems, i finally felt clean. untainted." Connor was speaking quickly, with shuddered breaths resembling the sound of a broken fan. Hank felt nauseous, but the android persisted. "Black void, nothingness. No freedom to worry about, or death to ponder, emotions to cloud judgement. No heaven or hell. Nothing to serve, or see, ever again. Until Cyberlife put me in a new body, slapped me on the back, and just - just sent me out again. like nothing." Hank wore a face of absolute guilt. Connor persisted, "You aren’t the only person who’s killed me liuetenant. I’ve died a total of 7 times." The Android lifted his legs on the bench and wrapped his arms around himself, protectively. "This one, here in front of the river… it was my favorite."
Connor glanced at his superior officer. Hanks head was down, silver hair covering his face. The android returned his gaze to the river.
"I am the only model that could be brought back to life. the only model which called for it, while cyber life was still operational. The deviants I killed? They couldn’t even choose where it happened. This is a luxury. A kindness that i dont deserve."
Hank felt relieved to have the firearm in his posession.
Hank chewed his lip for a moment, furrowed eyebrows not yet meeting his partners face. "Connor.. When we first started working together, I.." He pursed his lips, burying his foot against the dirt beneath them.
"Look, you where under their control. Cyberlife sold you off to us to be used, and you where. That was.. awful. And it wasn’t your choice. But the moment you could choose, you chose better."
Connor tucked his head back into his knees, dread dancing up his spine. "I didn't. I didn't. I knew ... I knew i- that I was compromised! Thoughts thoughts outside my programing and I let them happen, and I liked it. To feel. But I pretended- I pretended! Hank-" Connor dry heaved, springing from his position to brace himself against the bench. He hiccuped a sob, belching forward and craning his arms over his head in a protective vice. The Lieutenant wasted no time jumping up from his position to run his hand along his son's back in a soothing motion. "I killed i killed them! To protect my myself! To complete- to complete my mission!" He hit himself over the head with his closed fist. "My mission! To save my fucking self!"
"Breathe Connor, breathe." Hank placed the gun beside him and brought up his second arm to hold Connor close, applying pressure to his shaking form. "You're only one person. You where one person up against- so so so many people, son. You where scared. You're still scared. I'm here, I've got you, it's okay." The older man comforted the android, speaking as softly as he could summon. Connor's back shuddered to match his sobs, his wails growing loud and incoherent. Hank winced, the sound equal to screaming agony.
"You may have hurt people Connor, but you saved me. I couldn't go on without you, son.." Hanks voice broke, tears welling up in his eyes at the sight of his son. He held the boy tighter, and Connor's hand drew up to latch onto Hanks jacket as his sobs grew hysterical. "I-i don't - I don't deserve this" he croaked. "You deserve.. you deserve to be happy, Connor." Hank corrected, cradling Connor's head as he cried.
They stayed there for some time, as sobs dimmed into the sound of crashing water from the river.