Chapter Text
Jim lay next to Spock staring at the ceiling. No matter how much he tried, sleep would not come. He’d even tried the methods for meditation Spock had attempted to teach him. He was beginning to wonder if he was just stupid because no matter how hard he tried to turn his mind off and be at peace, he could not do it.
And that was part of what concerned him. His mind was a jumble of a mess on the best of days. The days were not always the best. When that happened, Jim couldn’t stand himself. How could he expect Spock to stand him?
Life with Spock had been going pretty good. And if Spock had been just an ordinary guy, an ordinary boyfriend, Jim probably would have got down on one knee by now and asked Spock to marry him.
Jim had passed by a jewelry store only maybe three weeks ago that wasn’t far from their apartment. He’d been drawn inside almost against his will. He’d spent an hour looking at masculine rings. They had an app where it was possible to try rings on the finger of your intended if you had a picture with their hand. Somehow Jim actually had a picture of Spock’s hand, he’d been able to enlarge it, and tried on all these rings right where it would belong, if Jim chose one.
He’d left without buying anything, but the thought had been there. If maybe it was a little too soon for that. If only they were just an ordinary couple of knuckleheads in love.
Spock was anything but ordinary. He was Vulcan. Wanted to be Vulcan. And that included the tradition, the need, of the bond, of the mate. Of the link to Jim’s mind. His deepest thoughts. His wants. His wishes. His torment. Everything. Nothing would be secret or sacred.
Just thinking about it made Jim sweat profusely. And he’d been sweating about it for weeks. Months. Ever since he’d sat at a table and Spock came to tell him they were t’hy’la.
Maybe that wasn’t entirely accurate. After all Spock initially rejected the very idea of Jim being his treasured bondmate and wished to dissolve their link. Until he didn’t.
The truth was hard to admit but there were times he wished Spock had gone through with it.
He loved Spock. God, he did. He was stupidly, wholly, head over heels in love with Spock. To his dying day he wouldn’t love anyone else. Jim had no doubt of that. But he didn’t want to be bonded to him. For Spock’s sake.
Eventually when Spock got deep into Jim’s brain the unavoidable would happen. Spock would know what a terrible mistake was made.
The thing was, Spock was awesome. He had agreed to wait until Jim was ready to complete the bond. He was extremely patient. He had even indicated he would rather have Jim with him, bond or no.
But that was unfair to Spock. Jim knew that. He could not hold Spock to him forever with promises of someday.
And then…Sarek had contacted him. Jim had been surprised to receive the transmission at their apartment at a time when Spock was at the academy teaching.
“Hello, sir. Spock isn’t here. He’s teaching classes today.”
Sarek nodded. “Yes, I am aware of that. I wished to speak with you.”
Jim smiled uncertainly. “Oh?’
“It is something I thought not to interfere with, but I have growing concerns.”
Jim’s heartbeat immediately sped up. “Is something wrong with Spock?”
“Not as of yet. However, you have been engaged in a relationship for several months with Spock now and…” Sarek stopped. “I am being indelicate, but I know no other way to address this.”
His heart in his mouth, Jim said, “You have concerns about the bond.”
Sarek nodded. “I am aware you are reluctant to be fully bonded to Spock.”
“It’s just—”
“Your reasons are your own and are not my concern. My concern is Spock.”
That was certainly blunt.
“While my son believes he can maintain a non-fulfilled relationship with you indefinitely, that is not true.”
“No?”
“Vulcans are not like humans, Jim. There are both mental and physical differences. When Spock reaches his sexual maturation he will be forced to endure Pon Farr. He will have no choice. At that time if you are not fully bonded, it will be necessary for you to become so whether it is your desire or not.”
“But—”
“If you still refuse the bond then, Spock will die.”
Jim stared at him.
“I know my son, Jim. Rather than force you into something you do not wish, he would allow himself to die.” Sarek pursed his lips. “I ask that if you cannot find it in you to fully bond to my son, you have your link severed so he can find a new mate.”
Jim swallowed down the bile threatening to rise. “But…I thought the kind of link we shared could not be easily severed.”
“That is true. But I have had various discussions with healers, both when Spock initially wished to disavow the bond—”
And Jim winced at that but Sarek did not seem to notice.
“And more recently due to my concerns with your reluctance. While difficult, it is not impossible. Understand, Jim, that I am not judging you. Humans are not Vulcans and cannot possibly comprehend what it is like to be one. But as I said, my concern is Spock.”
“I understand.” Jim nodded, feeling queasy. “You’re right. I’ll speak with Spock. We’ll, uh, we’ll complete the bond.”
“You are sure?”
Not even close.
Jim forced a smile. “Of course. I want to be with Spock and he wants to be with me. That’s all that matters.”
It wasn’t all that mattered. Not remotely. But when Spock came home that night from the academy, Jim told him he would fully bond.
Spock had tried not to show how very pleased and happy he was by Jim’s news, but he hadn’t been very good at repressing his emotions and it had come through loud and clear. In fact, Spock had been so happy he hadn’t ever once asked Jim if he was certain. He just accepted it and began to make the arrangements.
That night Spock had made love to him with the most incredible intensity Jim thought he’d never come down from his orgasm. He’d made his Vulcan happy.
But it was eating at him.
The thing was, Jim’d had his mind examined before. After his crappy childhood, Tarsus, his criminal record. He hated having his mind taken apart. His thoughts, his feelings, his memories were all he had of himself and they didn’t belong to anyone else. How could he give them to Spock?
Spock’s mom, Amanda, had called him the next day. She’d been excited and thrilled that they’d be coming to Vulcan for the ceremony. He must have given her all the right responses because she never once asked him if he was really all right with it now. She’d known he had his doubts before but somehow those didn’t seem to matter now that he’d agreed.
Only Bones had seemed concerned when Jim told him. They’d been sitting at a restaurant having lunch. Jim had a hamburger and Bones had something he referred to as goulash.
“You’ve what now?”
“I, uh, I agreed to fully bond with Spock. Vulcan ceremony on Vulcan, high priestess, fucking on the forge, the-the whole nine yards, you know.”
“Mind link?” Bones slowly lowered his fork to his plate.
Jim smiled. Or he thought he did. Truth was his face kind of hurt. “Yes. Spock will know me fully. In every way. Completely.”
“Jim, breathe. And move your face for God’s sake. You look like a mannequin.”
“I’m breathing.”
“Jim.” Bones blew out a breath, looked away. Then back at him. “Are you sure about this?”
He nodded.
“Really? Because, Jesus, you haven’t even known Spock a year."
“Seven months.”
“Seven months. And you’re going to let him have mind control.”
“It’s…” Jim tapped his fingers on the table. He couldn’t believe he was about to defend this to Bones. “It’s not mind control. Spock wouldn’t do that.”
“Maybe not. Okay. But I know how you feel about this.”
“Felt.”
“So, like that.” Bones snapped his fingers. “All your reservations are through.”
“No.”
Bones grimaced. “Remember how you told me how it felt when he dismissed the idea of a bond with you because you’re human.”
“Yes. But it’s not like that anymore. He loves me.”
“I believe he does. Honestly. But I think this is way too soon for this. Seven months. Jim, you’ve never had anything last seven months, and that’s good, it is, but—”
“Isn’t it better he finds out now so he can leave me rather than later when I’ve got years invested in loving him?”
“I don’t think he’s going to leave you, Jim,” Bones said gently.
“You don’t know that, though.” Jim didn’t meet his eyes. “You can’t predict it. And really? Everyone does. Why should he be any different?”
“Because he loves you.”
“Love doesn’t stop people from hurting you. Or leaving you.”
“Jim—”
“Bones, Spock needs this.”
“What about what you need?”
“That doesn’t matter. I want Spock to have what he needs. His father—”
“Wait,” Bones cut in. “This is the senior hobgoblin’s idea?”
Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “Bones. Come on.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
“He just pointed out some things that helped me make up my mind.”
“Bullshit. Did you talk to Spock about this?”
“I told him I want to complete the bond and he was happy.”
“But you didn’t tell him it was because of pressure from his daddy.”
“It wasn’t like that.” Except it felt exactly like that. If you don’t bond with him, he’ll find someone else. If you don’t bond with him he’ll die.
“When is this shotgun wedding anyway?”
“I’m not sure. They’re working on the arrangements. Soon though.”
Bones picked up his fork. “If-if you’re sure this is what you want to do, I’ll support you.”
Jim smiled, relieved. “Thanks, Bones.”
Now he lay awake watching Spock breathe. He wanted to touch Spock but didn’t dare for it might wake him. And Jim could not face Spock. Could not tell him all the doubts that were destroying him. And the meld—
Jim waited an eternity for Bones to open his dorm room door and when he did, Jim sagged against his friend in exhausted relief.
“Jim?” Bones’ arms went around him automatically, his concern already etched into his tired, haggard face. “Jim, what’s going on? It’s three in the morning.”
The door closed him in the room, and Jim clung to Bones. “I know. You-you have to help me.”
“Help you?”
“I need to get away. I need to get out of here.”
Bones frowned, his hands grasping Jim’s arms in a tight grip. “I don’t understand. Get away from where? Where’s Spock?”
Jim paled. “That’s who I need to get away from.”