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The first time it happens, Tim comes home to silence. He pauses at the doorway halfway in the house and halfway out. It’s quiet—too quiet. Lucy is suppose to be home and he knows she is. Her car is parked in the driveway, and not only that but Ava should be home. The fact he doesn’t hear his two year old sends a jolt of fear through him.
“Lucy?” He calls out tentatively. He knows she’s still mad at him, she was pulled off a case today and she thought Tim had said something. But it actually wasn’t him this time. It was one of the detectives who looked down on Lucy because she was pregnant and still working. They thought she couldn’t do her job even though she had done this when she was pregnant with Ava and this one was no different. It was just a big misunderstanding but—
The house is still silent and then there’s a crash from upstairs. Tim runs upstairs and then peeks into Ava’s room. His toddler is on her bed fast asleep clutching one of her many teddy bears. He shakes his head a little relieved she is where she should be and then goes to the master bedroom. Their closet door is open and there is a pile of items on the ground.
Lucy is sitting on the ground with her phone next to her.
“Luce?”
Lucy looks up, her face blank and then she turns up her phone. A familiar tune floats through the phone.
I don’t know about you But I’m feeling twenty-two
Everything will be alright if You keep me next to you You don’t know about me But I’ll bet you want to
Everything will be alright if
We just keep dancing like
we’re Twenty-two, twenty-two
Tim frowns and bends down next to his wife. “Lucy?” He says over the music. Taylor Swift’s voice drowns him out. “What are you doing?” Lucy doesn’t reply just turns up her phone louder.
“Lucy.” Tim presses pause on her music and she looks up and glares at him. He just holds his hands up a little. “What’s going on?”
“I’m mad at you.”
“Yeah I got that.” He says. “But why are you blasting Taylor Swift music?” Lucy looks at him and crosses her arms across her chest.
“Because I want to.” She says. “And I’m mad at you.” Tim shakes his head and pushes her phone away so she couldn’t press play again.
“I didn’t say anything Lucy. I actually want to beat up whoever said it because you are perfectly capable of doing your job.” Tim says. Lucy blows out a breath and looks down at the ground.
“You really didn’t say anything?” She asks. Tim shakes his head and pulls her in closer to him.
“I really didn’t. It was just a misunderstanding.” He says.
“You don’t agree with them do you? I did my job with Ava. I can do my job now.” She says. “I know it’s different—” She pauses and Tim does too. It is different ever since Ava was kidnapped, Lucy had been extremely cautious and she refused to do any undercover work. But it didn’t matter because Tim knows she knows her limits.
“It’s different but you are capable of doing your job baby. This wasn’t an undercover job. This was just a detective being sexist and jealous you were solving it before him.”
“I was.” Lucy says. “I have a lot of evidence.”
“I know.” Tim says pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “You are an amazing detective, person, wife and mother Luce.”
“Thank you.” She says and then she turns to look up at him. “I’m sorry I got mad at you.”
“It’s okay.” He says. “Why Taylor Swift though?”
Lucy shrugs and turns the music back on. “There’s just something about her.” Lucy says. Tim just shakes his head. It might not be perfect but at least he would always have Lucy, Ava, their 2nd baby girl.
And Taylor Swift.
***
The next time it happens is when he doesn’t come home after a hard case. This hasn’t happened in a long time and logically he knows Lucy would help him through it. But his brain is fuzzy, he feels a little nauseous just thinking about the case.
It was a case involving kids and those always hit the hardest but now that he had kids of his own and two that were around the same age that these babies were.
It was extra hard.
And he’s not stupid, he knows not all his demons are gone. He knows they both still have good and bad days. He knows he’s going to mess up and he knows he has messed up. He just hopes he can fix it.
Tim’s phone buzzes and he looks at the screen to sees Lucy’s picture flashing on the screen. He reaches down and presses ignore and then leans back against the seat. His phone buzzes again but he ignores it. It buzzes again and he chances a glance at it to see Angela’s picture on it now. He ignores that too.
If he answers Angela’s call and not Lucy’s call that would just make this 10 times worse. But he can’t think right now. He can’t be around noise, and lord knows he would be if he went home. He closes his eyes and taps his fingers on his steering wheel.
He doesn’t know why he’s here, just sitting in his truck. Broken and lost.
There’s a knock on the passenger window and he looks over but before he can even think the door is opening and Lucy is climbing in.
“What are you doing here?” He asks. Lucy doesn’t reply just plugs in her phone and Taylor Swift’s voice floats out. She turns it up and he sits there confused at what is happening.
Flashback when you met me
Your buzzcut and my hair bleached
Even in my worst times
You could see the best of me
Flashback to my mistakes
My rebounds, my earthquakes
Even in my worst lies
You saw the truth in me
“Lucy?” Tim says turning to face her. “Why are you blasting Taylor Swift?” Lucy ignores him and just turns it up.
Say my name and everything just stops
I don't want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off
Take it off
Carve your name into my bedpost
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off
Take it off
“I don’t understand.” Tim says. “You aren’t wearing a dress.” Lucy rolls her eyes and presses pause on the music.
“That’s not the point Tim.” She says.
“Then please enlighten me.” Tim says trying not to sound annoyed. He just wants to make this right, and this wasn’t going the way he thought it would.
“You disappeared Tim. You didn’t come home and you weren’t answering your phone. I know you probably don’t want to be around us.”
“That’s not—it’s not that Lucy.” Tim says softly. Because he always wants to be around her and their kids. They were what kept his world spinning most days.
“Then what?” Lucy asks and her voice has softened a little. “Talk to me Tim.”
“Where are the kids?” He asks avoiding her question. “Are they okay?”
“Tim.” Lucy gives him a look that tells him she’s unimpressed he’s not answering her question. “They are fine. They are worried about you. But your sister has them. Now talk.”
“The noise.” He says and Lucy scrunches up her face in confusion. “Two of those kids were the twins age. And I kept picturing Levi and June wrapped up in those blankets. I kept hearing their little voices and then they faded. I just needed to get away.”
“Oh Tim.” Lucy whispers leaning forward and putting her hand on his arm.
“I’m sorry Luce. I should have talked to you. I know you would have let me handle it but—” Tim shakes his head and Lucy climbs over the console and into his lap. He holds onto her and just stares at her in wonder.
“I love you Tim. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry you felt like you just had to get away.” She says. “I will do whatever you need me to do. If you need to just sit here alone—”
“No it’s nice to have you here.” He mutters brushing some hair out of her face. “I’ll be okay.”
“I know.” She says. “You are so strong Tim. And amazing, and I’m so proud of you and how far you have come.”
“I love you so much Lucy.” He says. “Thank you for always being my rock.”
“Of course.” Lucy says. “I knew I could get you talking some how.” Tim just shakes his head and presses a kiss to her forehead.
“How did you find me anyway?” He asks. Lucy reaches over to pick up her phone and shows him the screen. Taylor Swift’s picture is still up on the screen.
“Remember when we installed that app that tracks where everyone is?” She asks. Tim nods and she goes to another picture where he sees a red dot with his picture. “I knew if you wouldn’t answer I had to come to you.”
“Smart.” He says. “I’m sorry Lucy. I really am. I don’t know what came over me.”
“It’s okay Tim. Everyone needs to be alone sometimes.” Lucy says. She runs her fingers through his hair. “I get it.”
Tim gives her a soft smile and she presses a kiss to his cheek and then crawls off his lap and back into the passenger seat.
“I better get back to the kids.” Lucy says opening the door and jumping out. She turns back to look at him. “You good?”
“I’ll see you at home Luce.” He says and she gives him another smile. “I love you.”
“I love you too Tim.”
***
The next time it happens it’s not with Lucy—but with Ava. She is mad because he told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends after school. It was a school night, and the mom that was driving them they didn’t know. It was a new girl, and while he knows his daughter wouldn’t necessarily do anything bad he still liked to know the parents. Plus they were twelve years old and he didn’t think five 12 year old girls should be left alone at the mall.
“Ava?” He calls out as soon as he enters the house. He hears the tv in the living room. He hears Lucy in the kitchen. He sees the twins in the backyard and Daisy at the table doing her homework. But there’s no sign of Ava. He walks into the kitchen and Lucy greets him with a smile.
“Hi.” She says. “Ava is upstairs in her room.” Tim nods and it’s amazing how well Lucy knows him after all these years.
“Is she still mad?” He asks. Lucy drys her hands off on the towel and then leans against the counter. “She’s twelve Tim. She wanted to go hang out with her friends. She has to learn you can’t always get what you want.”
“I know.” Tim says. “I just feel bad.” Lucy moves towards him with a soft smile on her face.
“You are a good dad Tim. You did the right thing. I’m sure she will understand.” Lucy says. Tim hums softly and presses a kiss to her lips.
“I’m going to go talk to her.” He says. Lucy nods and Tim turns around to go upstairs. Ava’s door is closed but Tim knocks on it. He can hear the faint voice of Taylor Swift and he takes a deep breath before he’s opening the door.
Ava is laying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. She has her iPod on her stomach and she doesn’t move even when he sits on the edge of the bed. Taylor’s voice floats around the room and he supposes she learned this from Lucy.
Like mother. Like daughter.
Of course.
You're on your own, kid
You always have been
I see the great escape, so long, Daisy May
I picked the petals, he loves me not
Something different bloomed, writing in my room
I play my songs in the parking lot
I'll run away
“Ava.” Tim begins but his daughter still doesn’t move. “I know you are upset but this is for the best. You know the rules, you can’t go out on a school night let alone with someone your mom and I don’t know.”
Ava just keeps staring at the ceiling so Tim continues. “I know you think this is unfair Ava but you can’t always get what you want.”
There’s nothing but the music in the room and Ava’s soft breathing.
Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it
You've got no reason to be afraid
You're on your own, kid (ah)
Yeah, you can face this (ah)
You're on your own, kid
You always have been
“Ava Rose.” Tim says. His daughter finally turns to look at him. She presses pause on the iPod and silence fills the room.
“I just want to hang out with my friends.” Ava says. “My new friends. They aren’t bad dad.”
“I believe you Ava. And maybe you can invite them over soon. But going to the mall on a weekday?”
“It’s not unheard of.” Ava says rolling her eyes. “Jack and Emmy are able to do it. Leah does it.”
“They are all older than you Ava.” Tim points out. “I’m pretty sure Jack can drive now.” Ava shrugs her shoulders.
“I’m not a baby anymore.” She says.
“I know you aren’t.” Tim says. “But you are also twelve. You are growing up right in front of our eyes but you still have to follow our rules.”
“What if I said those rules stunk?” Ava asks and she sits up a little. She pulls her knees up to her chest and looks at Tim with her blue eyes.
“I would respect your opinion.” Tim says. “But I’m still your dad. I’m still the adult in this and you need to respect the rules. You don’t have to like them.”
“I don’t like them.” She says. “But—” she chews on her lip and looks at him her face softening.
“I guess you are right.” She says.
“You guess?” Tim asks. His daughter shrugs and he moves closer to her. He’s not sure how Ava grew up so fast. She used to be the sassy four year old making everyone both confused and amused. She was like six year old spinning around in her dresses or the eight year old driving herself to Target because Lucy was sick.
“I’m so proud of the person you are becoming Ava.” He says and he knows she’s only 12. But she really was growing up and it both broke his heart and made him proud.
“I love you dad even when I don’t like your rules.” Ava says and she leans against him. “You are my favorite dad.”
“And you are my favorite oldest daughter.” He says. “Maybe you can invite your new friends over this weekend.” Ava lifts her head up and smiles at him.
“Really?”
“Yes. We will talk to mom but I think it will be okay.” He says.
“Okay.”
“You know you are just like your mom with the whole blasting Taylor Swift when you are mad at me.” He says.
“I know.” Ava says and this time when she looks at him she has a mischievous grin on her face. “She taught me it.”
“Of course she did.” Tim says sounding a little exasperated.
“It’s the Taylor Swift effect.” Ava says. Tim huffs out a laugh.
“It must be.” He says shaking his head a little. “It must be.”
“Hey dad?” Ava says and she lifts her chin to look at him. She looks so much older now—not the six year old in his mind. He’s not sure how time went by so fast.
“Yeah Aves?”
“I love you.” She says and his heart swells a little bit. He hears this all the time from Lucy. And Daisy. And Levi and June. Ava says it too but it never gets old.
“I love you too.” He says. “Blasting Taylor Swift and all.” Ava smiles at him a satisfied look on her face.
“Good.”
And yeah it was very good indeed.