Chapter Text
James needed to let go of his anger; it was getting him nowhere. He knew this, yet he couldn’t bring himself to forgive the person he hated most. Maybe that was the problem. That he never hated him. Not even close.
Sure, part of him resented Regulus for ruining him. For shaking him out of the perfect reality he had carefully crafted for himself. By being so bright, it was impossible to ignore, no matter how many times he tried. Until he was too tired to bother, so he stared until he was forced to look away.
James had his life planned out down to the second, the way things were supposed to go for him. How his life was going to play out, every last detail accounted for. After all that, he would be happy; he wasn’t right now, but no one was happy in school. It was just the way things were.
Enough pressure caused anyone to crack. Besides him, that is, James Potter, the heir to the Potter family, would never crack. That’s who he was: effortlessly funny and perfect in every way. People envied him, and he didn’t waste enough effort to notice. But oh, how he noticed.
He was no one to envy; his life was ruined before he even got the chance to mess up. It hadn’t always been this way; he hadn’t always known, not fully. He spent most of the early years of his life confused and questioning. Who was he? He had no idea where to begin to answer that question because the reality is that he was no one. Not then and certainly not now.
Even if he didn’t know who he was, he knew who he wasn’t. A girl. He had always hated his name, his long curly hair that no matter what he did with it, always bothered him. It wasn’t right, couldn’t be right. He shouldn’t feel this way; it wasn’t normal, he knew that much.
Yet he did, and so he had done the only thing he knew to do at the time. He told his parents. It was the only time in his life when he had ever been truly brave; maybe it was because he had so much to gain from one small truth. After that, he couldn’t bring himself to risk the secret he had so carefully hidden.
He became a coward.
Some Gryffindor he was. The worst part was that his parents helped him understand what he was feeling; they helped him transition. Once he got his Hogwarts letter, they had a meeting with the school. Changing his name on those records as well as official documents.
When it was time for him to go to Hogwarts, he was only known as James Potter. It was everything he had hoped for, and for a time, he was happy. Thrilled even to be living the life he couldn’t bring himself to dream of, let alone believe, was ever a possibility for someone like him.
He had been surprised the stairs had let him into the boy's dorms his first night, that awe never really left him. As if one day, he expected them to turn into a slide, and his secret would be out.
Easy as that. All that was keeping his secret was a web of shaky lies that was slowly falling apart. He had gotten far better at telling lies in the last couple of years, but the first few he told, the most important ones, were stuttered out. Unbelievable even to his own ears. He knew they would catch up with him one day; it was only a matter of time.
The thing about lying is that the worse others believe you to be, the more truthful they seem. So he pretended to be open about everything, oversharing the most inconsequential facts about himself. No one seemed to realize that they didn’t know much about him at all.
He knew his parents had always wanted more than one kid. He also knew how hard it was for them to have him, so he never asked for a sibling, no matter how much he wanted the company. Maybe then he wouldn’t have been so lonely. Someone he could finally be open with, who would know everything about him and love him anyway.
His parents tried their best, but sometimes someone’s best was not enough, whether you were asking too much or they gave too little didn’t matter. He knew they loved him; he would have to be blind not to see how much they cared.
How hard they worked to give him the chances he had now. They would accept him for anything; he was certain of this. Yet he knew they would always be disappointed, like they had with him being trans.
They never showed it, not to him at least. Outwardly, they pretended to be nothing but open and happy about this change in him, and the worst part was that he had believed them. That was until one night, when he had snuck out of bed, he heard their muffled whispers talking about him.
They had said that they didn’t know what they did to make him feel this way, or if they could ever fully support his choice. But they were going to try because it was the right thing to do, because they loved him unconditionally. He knew it could have been worse; their words should not have hurt as much as they did. His parents were willing to try; shouldn’t he be happy about that?
He would give them anything they wanted; he would do anything it took to make them happy. Yet the one thing they wanted more than anything, he couldn’t give them.
A daughter.
They were both accepting, but somehow their disappointment was worse than outright refusal or anger. At least then he would know how they felt, and they wouldn’t be hiding things from him any longer.
He knew they would accept this, too, the way he felt for Regulus. All they wanted for him was to be happy, but he didn’t know if he could accept it. Liking guys was just another thing that made him different.
His life had fallen into shambles in seemingly the blink of an eye. It shouldn’t be like this, he knew it shouldn’t be. He was nearly out of school(kind of); he was finally in his fifth year at Hogwarts. Things should be going smoothly for him, his days filled with classes and flying, the only thing he needed to worry about being exams.
But it had all been ruined by one mistake, one he hadn’t even made. No one believed him; it was his reputation he knew it was. If he hadn’t played so many pranks and dodged his responsibilities more often than not, he would never have ended up here in the first place.
It was Sirius’s fault, but even after all he had done, James couldn’t manage to be mad at him for it. It wasn’t his intention to ruin James’s life, and really, Sirius had done so much for him as a whole. He was James’s first friend whom he felt he could tell anything to.
This didn’t mean he did, but the point still stands. Sirius was like the brother he never had. Maybe that’s what you do for family, put their needs above your own. Forgive them no matter what they did because you’re too scared of what you would do without them.
—-
James didn’t know when exactly he fell for Regulus. He always heard about love at first sight, how when you saw your person, you would just know. He thought it was a load of bullshit.
How someone could look at a person and instantly know they were the one, James would never know. Sure, he could look around and judge people based on their appearance. But that’s all it was, surface-level attraction. He needed to get to know the person. Maybe know was an overstatement, especially in Regulus’s case.
But at the very least, he needed to get a feel for the person, really see how they are when they thought no one was watching. He knew it was unconventional and mildly creepy, but he had an invisibility cloak and a dream, alright. Anyone would do the same if they had the opportunity; he was just acting on this desire.
Regulus was something special. He was intoxicating to watch and even more so to be around. His insults never failed to make James smile. What can he say, he liked it when Regulus was mean to him.
If anyone else said half the shit Regulus did he would take great offense to it, but when Regulus did it, it was all bark no bite. A way to make him seem tougher than he really was, and it worked. Just not for James.
Few messed with Regulus because of the verbal lashing that would be received in return, and the increasingly creative ways they were pranked in the aftermath. However, James was almost certain the people responsible for the pranks were Barty Evan, two of Regulus’s best friends.
It was the small moments that got James in the end, building over the years until it was undeniable. He was in love with Regulus Black. So much so that he took a ridiculously hard potions class just because he knew Regulus skipped a year ahead in the subject due to his skill. Because he was Regulus of course, he couldn’t just go a level ahead in the class; he also needed to take the hardest level offered to him.
Safe to say James was regretting this particular decision as potions was in no way his best class on a regular basis, let alone one practically made for geniuses. Still, the ridiculous exams and coursework were all worth the look on Regulus’s face when he saw James walking into the class for the first time, even more so when James’s studying paid off and he was able to hold his own.
James would do anything to get even a second more of seeing Regulus’s beauty. He had perfected the art of acting normal around Regulus, that was, until he was left utterly alone with his thoughts and started to forget why it was a bad idea to talk to Regulus in the first place.
This thought process was exactly what led to the start of the letters. He sent the first one the night after the prank. He needed someone to talk to, someone whom he could pretend everything was normal, without making things weird. Regulus already thought he was weird, so it was a perfect fit.
Besides what harm could a couple of letters do?
___
Regulus was going mad. That must be it, because there was no other rational explanation for what was going on in his life. He was overanalyzing every interaction, every time they walked into the same room, he was on edge, waiting for the inevitable. James was doing it on purpose, as a way to punish Regulus for Merlin knows what.
The slight brush of shoulders when he walked by, a lingering hand on his arm, a smile across the great hall. The fucking letters that were charmed so only he could read them, to anyone else they looked like potion notes.
It wasn’t real, none of this was real. Out of everyone in the school, James Potter would never like him. Besides, everyone knew how he was obsessed with Lily. Perfect Lily Evans with her confidence and smarts. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and joke around for anyone to hear.
Regulus knew he wasn’t good enough; his parents repeatedly told him as much. He wasn’t stupid; he knew this without their constant reminders. He disappointed them in everything he did. No matter what it was, he wasn’t quite good enough to reach the standards they set.
His parents thought he was fragile, weak in every way that matters. He wasn’t who they wanted, but he was the one they got, so they tried to mold him into the perfect heir. They lost their best chance at perfection long before they realized Sirius was gone.
Regulus was never that naive; he knew his brother was far too good for their family. He was too bright, too fucking noble to ever follow along with what their parents wanted. Regulus, on the other hand, didn't have that choice, the option to leave whenever he wanted. He had no spare to take his place.
He had no savior to come in and rescue him. There was a time when he believed this could have been his brother. He had stupidly hoped that when Sirius said he would come back for him, he had meant it, that he wasn’t just saying it to make Regulus feel better.
Maybe he never really did believe Sirius’s promises; he just wanted something to believe in. It didn't matter in the end; Sirius wasn't coming back for him. He was stuck.
Regulus would never be the perfect heir his parents desperately wanted, and believe him, he tried. He never had the effortless ease Sirius possessed or a smile he could turn on at the drop of a hat. But he could fake it well enough that his parents ignored his glaring flaws for the most part, still believing he would improve before it was too late.
Regulus didn't know what he would do about James, but he knew it didn't matter in the end; nothing would come of them. He would end up dead or left to a life where he wished he was. So he was trying to take it one day at a time, enjoy the time he had left before he lost his chance, to live with no regrets, because soon he knew he wouldn't be so lucky.
—-
Dear Regulus,
That match was something else. You caught the snitch. Again. Not that I’m bitter or anything, except that I absolutely am. Seriously, it’s like you’ve got some weird sixth sense or something. You looked good out there today, you always do, especially when you're flying. It’s a bit annoying, honestly. On the ground, you’ve got this cold, calculating thing going, like you’re already five steps ahead of everyone. But when you're in the air? You’re not thinking, just moving. It’s like you belong up there, like it’s the only place where you can breathe. Not that I was watching you or anything. I mean I was, obviously. You’re the Seeker, I’ve got to keep track of you. Someone has to, right? Tactically speaking of course. Anyway, well played. I wish I could say I was surprised, but you’ve got a habit of doing the exact thing no one expects, just when it matters most.
Still nursing a bruised ego and maybe a bruised rib
— J
From anyone else the letter could seem harmless. But there was only one person J could be and it complicated everything. This must be one big joke James was playing on him. He was Sirius’s best friend; anyone in their right mind could see how inseparable they were. James was a textbook Gryffindor, stupidly brave, reckless, someone who casually pulled life-threatening stunts as if it were nothing.
Maybe to him, it was. He had the perfect family, nothing to lose. No matter what, he would go into some cushy ministry job after graduation, live comfortably and happily with a wife and kids.
James had more money than he could ever know what to do with, not that Regulus didn't as well, but that small detail was besides the point. He had a supportive family that would do anything for him and would never be disappointed in him. He had everything and dared to take it for granted.
Not that Regulus was jealous, if anything was happy, Sirius deserved someone he could rely on. Someone he wouldn't have to doubt, who would stand by his side no matter what.
Regulus couldn't be that person for him. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't be Sirius’s brother. But Sirius would always be his, and that would have to be enough.
At first, James had been easy enough to ignore. Well, as someone like him could be. It was only during his fourth year that things started to take a turn. There had to be another explanation for the way he was acting; maybe this was some sort of test Sirius set up.
It seemed like something Sirius would do without a second thought about how it would make Regulus feel. Besides, he had always known Regulus swung the other way before he himself knew.
Sirius had been supportive, it would be hypocritical if he wasn't seeing as he and Lupin have been oddly close for the last three years. He didn’t understand how no one else had figured out they were dating yet; they did practically everything besides snog whenever they were together with no regard for their surroundings. It was sickening to watch.
He definitely wasn’t jealous that Sirius was brave enough to be himself, that he could have a boyfriend who adored him as much as he adored them. It wasn’t his fault that Regulus would never be brave enough to make a move on a guy; he would spend his time pitifully staring until he wasted away in his longing.
It was for the best; he had to focus on his studies, no time to worry about something as stupid as love. As if someone could ever love him. Regulus wasn't going to be stupid enough to follow his fleeting desires and then, when the secret of his sexuality eventually came out, make a fool of himself.
Yet James seems so sincere. No. He needed to stop thinking about it in that way, it was all in his head. He had to go on like everything was normal. That's what he would do if he wanted his life to stay on track. To finally make his parents proud.
He couldn't disappoint them more than he already had; he was the Black heir for Merlin’s sake. He’s supposed to be better than this, better than everybody else, better than his stupid dreams, which would never come true.
And they would never come true, he was certain of that. It would be pathetic to try to find any truth in them. They were nothing more than feeble hopes from the childlike part of him he hadn't yet crushed.