Archive of Our Own

There was a sinking feeling that followed her throughout the day, starting from the nausea that made her ran to the bathroom as soon as the alarm was off. It felt as if the minutes dragged a just enough to make them be painfully noticeable. She pulled through the motions of prepping the case briefing from home, as her stomach flu had been relentless and she feared that not appearing with a solid presentation tomorrow would just make the rest of the week unbearable too.

She was never one to complain about distance or spending time alone, but she had been miserably sick the entire week, with no support system either out of pride or the unwillingness to ask for some. Additionally, Seeley had been out for more than a week as he was called to attend a series of trainings in Fort Benning, Georgia. While he’d be the first person to offer help, he had let her know there would be some classified training involved, making communication non-existent.

Some would call it an inkling, others biology, but she was starting to run through some clues left around during the week that were starting to paint a picture she was feeling uneasy about.

The first clue came with the kitchen calendar. While there was one constant in her life, and that was of irregularity with her cycle, it was oddly suspicious that the red dots she marked there were nowhere to be found for quite some time. Rebecca thought either he wouldn’t notice or would rather not mention it, having observed how stressed he had been lately awaiting the FBI placement and the Army classified training sessions he was still attending.

The second clue came precisely with the FBI placement. It was the next logical step, the one for settling into a full time career in their space. The ever looming “threat” of normalcy, if one could even call it that way. She was far too used to knowing there would be times where it was just her, and that was good, at times even preferable. She knew he was serious about them and it wasn’t as if she was looking for an outing. But, simultaneously, it was hard to compute that it appeared that her life was heading towards settling into a routine as an established couple. She still wanted to feel that inkling of independence and invincibility, the unstoppable energy that kept pushing her towards reaching partner status on a law firm.

The third was straightforward. There was no way that a stomach flu virus would take hold of her so violently. She had been rarely, if ever, sick from anything related to food or her digestive system. There had to be something else going on and them lack of a fever or other symptoms were starting to clear out what had happened in the last weeks.

With the little remaining energy she had from not being able to hold on to her breakfast and last night’s dinner, she headed to the pharmacy three blocks away. Hoping to get an absolute confirmation of what could be the best outcome with a good degree of accuracy, she grabbed three pregnancy tests from three different brands and some medication for the general discomfort she was experiencing. The pharmacist had sent her with several electrolyte oral powder packets for regaining some of the lost hydration from her violent virus. Well on her way home, she recalled that today Seeley would be coming back and, with a mixture of fear and dread, she began the walk back home.

She soon learnt that it was a terrible idea to say the day couldn’t get any worse. As she walked back through her building’s lobby, the mailman handed her the mail that had arrived and, at the top of the pile, the ever so familiar Army envelope reminded her of who she was sharing her life with. Whatever the result would be, this was just becoming a drag of a day. If it wasn’t the FBI return examinations’ stress, it was her case briefing stress. If it wasn’t the stomach flu, it was the three boxes waiting for her to do them. If it wasn’t her distress at looking how life was shaping, it was the Army calling him once more.

She dropped the tests on the bathroom counter before heading back to the kitchen to dissolve one of the oral electrolyte packets. She knew how silently he could move, and today wasn’t the exception as she didn’t notice his arrival. His rucksack had been placed in the couch and she caught him getting out of his fatigues beside the washing machine.

“Hello there! How’s it been?” He said, gifting her the best smile he could despite looking beyond tired.

“Hey, it’s been a week. You?” She was counting on her nonchalance to leave it at that, no more questions asked.

“Ran through some very classic classified stuff. We were supposed to stay for longer but they called it quits yesterday so, here I am.”

“It’s always good to have you back.” She managed to get out before the wave of nausea hit her back and endangered the very few fluids she managed to get in her.

“Are you sure you’re alright? You’re looking a bit pale Becs.”

“Stomach bug.”

“That’s a first.” Of course he’d spot it, she thought as the deep breathing started to get a hold of her nausea.

“I know, but I got everything from the pharmacy.”

“You could’ve waited until I made it back. There’s no use on going out with this rain if you’re already feeling poorly.”

“What’s done, is done. I’m not feeling very hungry so maybe it’ll be best if you order something for yourself.”

“You sure? I could call Sid or Mamma’s to send some soup.”

“Not hungry, thanks.”

“In that case I’ll take a quick shower and order something. Just knock if you need anything.” He placed a quick peck on her temple and headed to the back of the flat for a hot shower.

The distance from the washing machine closet to the bathroom was approximately ten steps and she discovered how fast they could be covered as she remembered the tests on the counter. No matter how fast she could move, it would take teletransportation to make it to the bathroom before he saw the three boxes she had placed there. She wasn’t ready to face that just yet. Deep down, she wasn’t ready to do it at all. She stood by the dresser and took a deep breath as he came back out almost immediately after heading in.

“Please don’t say this is not what it seems, because it’s pretty clear when there are three of these.” He came out of the bathroom, livid, potentially scared, and only in his boxers, which only a couple of weeks ago would be distracting, yet right now it was distressing.

“I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s just something’s going on and I think it’s better to cross at least that one off.”

“How long have you been feeling sick?”

“Two weeks. It was very mild. It’s become worse lately.” It wouldn’t do any good to lie by now, Rebecca thought as she took a seat on the bed.

“Why didn’t you call me? Or said something before I left?” His mouth felt like ten steps away from his brain. He should be comforting, not puzzled.

“It was mild and we went out with Jonah and Felicity the night before, so when I woke up feeling dizzy, it wasn’t as if I had no reason to feel under the weather.”

“You could’ve still reached out Becs. They would’ve let me know as soon as I was free.” He immediately chastised himself because he knew that wouldn’t have been fully true given the nature of the mission.

“So what if I told you in the morning? I would’ve gotten a call back the next day at best.”

“Most likely, but you know how it is when there’s training and I could’ve asked for a family emergency permit.”

“Look, right now it’s either the flu or something more and we both know the odds of it being flu are high even if I’m never sick.”

“Alright. Do you want to do it now?” He sat beside her, placing an arm across her back and pulling her closer.

“Yeah, we might as well get over it. Also, at the very least, could you put your underwear on for when we do it.”

“I’m sorry, I go distraught. You know we’ll be fine, Becs. We’ll make it through whatever it is.” He immediately stood up, looking frantically for anything that would do the trick.

“Yeah.”

Fifteen minutes later, it was time to face reality. One plastic cup in the trashcan later and three tests sitting on the counter upside down, it was a frightening prospect if the suspicions turned out to be confirmed.

“Becs, I have been giving it a thought to all this and maybe we should start thinking about what comes next.” He muttered, drawing whatever strength and steadiness that remained in him.

“You’ve been giving it a thought for the last five minutes it took to get to this point?” No way he was thinking already of what to do. Rebecca was livid about the direction the conversation seemed to be heading. He was a presence for only half a year, in bits and pieces scattered around.

“No, I mean, I’ve been giving it a thought in general. But yes, also right now. It’s a lot to think about but we’re here, we’ve been solid for a while. There’s the FBI reinstatement and the final Army trainings, but things are going well and you’re settling at the firm.”

“So that Army envelope is nothing?”

“What Army envelope?”

“The one in the kitchen you might’ve seen already.” Rebecca wasn’t about to let him play dumb about it, though he seemed to have not noticed it either way.

“I can always say no and I will say no. The FBI reinstatement is supposed to be coming through and we’ve managed with some short deployments before. We even made it through the longer ones and Quantico.”

“What about mine?”

“What envelope?”

“My life, my place in here. I’m working 10 hours a day and I have a lot to climb through. I just passed the bar last year, I deserve more time to be.” Tears started welling in her eyes. She couldn’t be going through this so soon. So haphazardly.

“To be what exactly?” He felt as if a knife had just appeared and started dangling above him, threating to tear him in two.

“Someone solo, someone who still is living life and doing things.”

“So if that’s positive, the baby is practically a punishment? There’s a wonderful life in becoming parents.” Booth had always known that, no matter what, that was his fate. He yearned to be a father, to do good with his own children. He wanted to gift them the world he never got from the moment they came.

“No, I get that part. But you don’t understand how it is and how it’ll be. It’ll be practically impossible to move up if it’s positive and how the hell am I going to pull through it all.” Everything she had hoped suddenly would be beyond her reach, filling her heart with a sense of grief.

“I’m here and I will be here. We can work this through and make something out of this.”

“We should be checking them.”

All three tests were a confirmation of an inkling. The three aligned positive results cleared a future that was neither bleak nor sunny. It was a fact of life, a mishap that had happened sometime in the past and that now was fixing them, in time and bond, for the rest of their lives. Both were caught in their own thoughts, trying to decipher what the result would imply on their lives.

Booth was ecstatic that it was one step closer to what he had aspired in life. However, realized  everything else surrounding his life was a long list of things pending resolution. His handle on his gambling had improved significantly, though it wasn’t as if he didn’t go once a week to either the pool bar or the poker night at Jonah’s. He was finally looking at the light after the tunnel with the FBI reinstatement, but there was still the off chance of being spun for another deployment. If that kid was coming, that meant a long deployment contract and a risk payment bonus could bring useful money for the kid’s early months. His mental state had improved too, feeling hopeful with how life in DC was shaping up, but there were some things that would never leave him and that he would never let anyone in either. Those were his to deal and there were still some nights where sleeping was a chore.

Rebecca could feel as if she had been frozen from the inside. A storm took hold of her and she felt as if things were crumbling all around her. What now? If it was already hard to be made partner at her firm, this was bound to make it impossible. She’d have to take maternity leave and gone would be the days of 10-12 hours of work. Gone the time she got to spend with friends and the spontaneous trips to NYC that were made up in seconds. Gone would be so much of what she had started to enjoy after going through law school and Bar prep. She was nearing thirty and several of her friends from high school and college had started to take that path. However, she’d always prided herself in not only being independent, but also fiercely adamant of placing her career first.

“Penny for your thoughts.” He said, placing his hand on top of the one she had grasping the bathroom counter.

“I…uuuh…wow…so…ummm…that’s the typical failure the doctor talked about.”

“What failure?”

“Never mind. What about you?”

“Marry me, Becs.” Once again, his mouth was nowhere near where his brain should’ve been. His heart had taken the drive and it was going to be an all or nothing move.

“No. Absolutely no.” She immediately snapped out of the daze infused by the tests.

“Really? That quick? Could you at least let me explain and we talk it through.” The knife had fallen, torn him, and immediately started bringing forward a heart pain he’s never felt before.

“What’s there to explain? You’ve proposed and right now it’s no secret that apparently this is where we were headed.”

“Rebecca, could you hear me out for a second here? A kid’s a lot to take on and we both will need every helping hand there is.”

“Yeah, I get that, but that’s no reason to marry. Marriage after three of those is literally the last thing I want my life to be defined by.” She turned towards the room to sit down again as the nausea started to come back due to hormones and a dose of anxiety.

“Define your life? What’s so wrong with this being a new stage in your life?” He started feeling foolish about this, about the way he’d gifted her his heart throughout the last two years and the doom it appeared to be to have his child.

“We’re supposed to be the kind of people who manage to evade accidental pregnancy and be stable before jumping in. This is something that shouldn’t have happened to us.”

“And that’s why it’s such a terrible idea to marry me?” He knew he’d pay one way or another the things he’d done. He was struck by the possibility this was the way life got back to him on his choices.

“Seeley, let’s be honest here for a minute. Do you really see us making it long term? The longest we’ve shared the same roof has been for 6 months in the last two years.” She stared intently at him, searching some semblance of agreement in how wild this truly was.

“It’s not like we can’t grow together because we haven’t spent enough time together. You knew I had the Army and the FBI. You said you didn’t mind!” He didn’t dare raise his voice, because he knew what a raised voice brought in his own home and he would rather be dead than do it to her despite the crushing sensation in him.

“Because I didn’t mind! Swear to God! But what’s this going to do to us? I don’t want to stay because there is a third party involved.” She regretted the phrasing though never the message. She didn’t want someone else defining her bond, even if that someone was a small child.

“If I’m following you correctly, you think I would just disappear out of your life while I know with absolute certainty my child is somewhere in the world.” If he had an inkling that this was the way life punished him, now he truly believed it had to be so.

“No…I mean…I don’t know. Seeley, what are the odds you don’t get shot tomorrow on training? During a raid? In middle of fucking nowhere classified location? I don’t want to have that hanging over my head. I don’t want to have to break that down to a child.” She said, knowing fully well that there was a part of her that knew that his early death was a possibility from the moment they met.

“That’s my kid too and that kid deserves his father, no matter where I am and what I’m doing. My life’s mission and meaning is making sure that kid has a decent world to grow in.” He’d move Heaven and Earth for his kid. He’d do the impossible for him. He’d die if needed.

“So I’d have to share you with a whole lot of law enforcement while I stay in here? No way. I have a life and a career I want to enjoy.” And that had always been the plan when she came down to DC for Law School and her career in it.

Nausea struck once more and Rebecca immediately found herself crouching by the toilet while Booth kneeled beside her and carefully grabbed her hair behind her head. She was starting to think things could be improving, but with no food and that being the fourth time she found herself heaving in the toilet in the last 24 hours, one thing struck her. She needed help, she needed an extra hand, and she needed someone that wanted to be that hand. There was no way she could drive herself to the hospital and public transportation connections would make it unbearable.

“How often have you been feeling it?” He said as he rubbed circles on her back.

“I couldn’t hold on to dinner or breakfast.”

“Will you take me to trial once more if I suggest taking you to the hospital?”

“No. I don’t know if I can try to drive.”

“Take your time or let me know if you want me to carry you.” He said, standing up and heading out to the small foyer looking for his shoes and coat.

“There’s no need for that. Could you grab my comfy sweater and find my sneakers?” She stood up, making full use of the surfaces around her to steady her.

“Got it. The car’s not in front but by the copy center.”

“I’ll wait by the entrance.”

“Let me carry you. It would make it worse if you twist your ankle or faint.” He didn’t care about his aching muscles after the mission or the fact that autumn started making it harder to be on his feet with a lot of added weight.

“What’s ten more minutes to what’s probably one of the worst days of my life?” She said as he held her coat and she took it together with her bag.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and just bring the car.”

“Thanks.”

Booth decided to ditch the elevator and jog his way down the stairs. He felt as he needed to at least burn something off before he blew up once more or took some of the angst or pent up feelings from the so called training in Georgia. In reality, he had been in Kuwait for a week, having gotten called up to partake in a joint elite mission training. He barely mentioned the deployment locations or missions, even more so after Teddy passed and Rebecca was emotionally fraught for several weeks after the funeral service. He went to great lengths to not mention the horrors of war or the toll he was carrying with.

But now, the upcoming child would forever change the way he could outrun his mind. He wanted to see the kid, to wake up and be the first person he saw. To be there for absolutely all their milestones, questions and moments. Above all, he’d try to show them with every single action that he was a man of his word and that he would never dare repeat any of his father’s actions. He wondered if a man, tossed, injured and blown by war and domestic violence, could be at least half worthy of someone who’d need them to be a the top of their game for the rest of their life.

It took Rebecca’s hand on his shoulder to bring him out of the daze he found himself in. His hand had remained stiff, holding on to the building’s entrance doorhandle with all its might. The hospital would be a confirmation, and then there would be more talking. There would be so much to get cleared and decided upon. He’d have to say something, let someone into some of the things that plagued him every night. Trust that whatever he said would be right enough to never be separated from the child in question.

“I thought you’d be by the car already.” She said, keeping her hand on his shoulder as to confirm her presence.

“I’m just distraught a little by the news. Let’s get going.” One foot forward, one mission, one step at a time. He needed order and he’d slip into his Ranger mindset if it meant making it to the hospital in one piece.

“Seeley, I think we can afford one more minute to settle down if you’re the one driving.”

“Do you really think it would be like that?” He looked at her, eyes filled with concern and regret. Who was the asshole who let him walk to the recruiting office? That had to be the beginning of the end.

“Beg your pardon?”

“That you’d have my death looming. That what I do would be incompatible with raising a kid.” Rebecca could count on one hand the amount of times he’d seen him shed a tear, let alone cry, and have some fingers to spare.

“At times, it is and it will be. It’s not like you have a desk job at the bank.”

“So things would be different if I were to be a desk jockey.”

“I can’t pretend I’m not attracted to whatever you have going with you and what you do. You have your reasons for choosing that, even if you’ll never explain them to me. You chose that just as I chose to be a lawyer. There are things we’ve decided regardless of each other.” Her voice, fraught with the infrequency of what she was witnessing, managed to put out her honest opinion on them. She had her stuff too and it should be acknowledged.

“But it would still be incompatible. You fear I’ll die or that I won’t pull my weight around.”

“Sometimes. Look, it’s not like I can claim a lot either because there’s no way I’m quitting.”

“You know what, you’re right and we need to get going. I’m sorry, I know this is a lot and I shouldn’t be doing this right now.” He took the shirt hem and wiped his eyes before turning to see her again.

“Hey, at least it’s not raining anymore.”

“Hold on to me as we go to the car, okay?”

“Fine.”

They managed to make it to the hospital, engulfed by the silence that had overtaken them after the lobby conversation. Saying they were incompatible with a child’s needs out loud was probably one of the biggest admissions made in the entirety of their relationship. They were independent and stubbornly proud about it. For Rebecca, it came from a position of wanting to be more and be able to continue on what she saw her mother doing as she grew up. Her mother didn’t compromise having a job and an identity beyond that of mom in spite of having three children. For Booth, it was survival at its finest. He had to learn how to stand on his two feet, on his own, since childhood and he knew that there were very few, if any, people to lean on. Having someone depending every living moment on either one of them was a big shift, one where the trust they had to give and hope to incentivize was a lifetime mission.

Booth took over filling out the forms while Rebecca was getting a preliminary check. It was swiftly determined they would take a blood sample as well as an ultrasound to have a pregnancy confirmation while they gave her IV fluids. Laying on a stretcher in the ER, both didn’t know when they could start clearing the air before the tech would come in to perform the ultrasound. It felt as if, with every passing minute, the distance between them increased. They went from a relatively stress free couple to a theoretical family and there was no easy way to encapsulate what that would mean for their future.

“I’m sorry again about what I said at the lobby.” She said, putting a hand on his forearm as she was finally settled in an ER examination room with some IV fluids in her.

“You’re right, even if it’s horrible to think about.” His eyes and his heart hadn’t managed to get that statement to feel true despite knowing it is. “Maybe admitting it from the start will help us find our way.”

“It better be. I guess I always thought that mom wouldn’t be a word that would find me so soon.”

“I’ve always believed that being a parent was a given in my life and I want to do good. Real good. Not whatever I guess it is I’ve done so far.” And he had done plenty of, filling up his body with dread and leaving his soul to be an empty husk.

“And that would’ve included marriage?”

“I won’t fight you there Becs. I’d never force you to and God knows once you’ve set your mind on something, it’s very hard to have you change it.” He offered her a small smile, knowing that was one of the things he had liked about her since the moment they met.

“So that’s your dream? The house, the loving relationship, 2 to 3 kids, and a whole mix of sports with them during the weekends?” She couldn’t imagine it a couple of days ago, but as he opened up since his arrival, she started to see how the sweetness he’d given her was just a fraction of what he’d give to the people meant to stay.

“Yeah. But my life tends to not happen the way I think it will and I want to believe that would still happen, so I haven’t fully lost faith in it yet.” There had to be someone, somewhere, not scared of him, willing to let him out of having to check in his demons before being worthy.

“Is it about the hockey scholarship thing?” Rebecca had heard about it once when he told her the origin story on how long it took him to graduate from college. The long lost scholarship that changed his life at age 20.

“It’s a million different things. The scholarship is one speck of dust. There’s so much tied to the deployments, my childhood, and relearning to do so many things I’ve taken for granted. I know I’ve been quite private about a lot of things that happened in my life because I wanted you to have the better side of me. The one where none of that happened and you see the man that likes to prep breakfast in the morning and go out with his girl to do something nice during the weekends. I’ve always wanted to believe I could be that person for someone. But the thing I’ve been most afraid of is that I’m realizing someone will inevitably have to see all of it, and it’s terrifying. You don’t need to and, while I’m hurt now, it’s not something I’d want you to have to deal with because it’s my life. I know which side of the tracks I came from.”

Rebecca took a sharp inhale, letting it sink the fact that she’d never heard him be so openly frank until that moment. It was now her time to come clean.

“I thought I’d have time. Before you say anything, I just need to say it. I know that family structure is what we grew up believing in, and I like that we have that in common. Right now, all I can think about is my parents. My dad has always been the locally respected doctor, and he was there when it mattered despite his schedule. Then, there’s my mom. You’ve met her, and you’ve seen how much of a trailblazer she is. No one could tell her no without good reason and everyone knows she’s the best principal the high school ever had. She started to have children at the ridiculously late age of 27, because that’s how it was seen back then. But she was ready, and she had so much settled for her. She had finished her master’s degree, and my dad had been working for a couple of years already by the time I was born. They actively planned to have me. They settled at the right time. I thought I’d have that. I wanted to believe that I’d be afforded time to settle and then build the rest.”

“Do you still think we could have that time? Even if it feels rushed right now?” Tears threatened to come out again and Booth tried to have a better handle of his emotions if he was to make it through the day.

The doctor arrived probably at the best of times for her. She wasn’t ready to say there was little else to do when he’d just said more about him in half a day than in the last two years. She’d seen some of the scars and was no fool to what happened in a battlefield. However, from the very beginning she had made it clear it was enough for her to know he was a Ranger sniper that had entered the FBI. She rarely asked about the battlefield or detective work, feeling at times a little vain for focusing on reaping the fruits of years of extensive physical training on man with Seeley’s build. But then there were the silences, the gaps, the few, if any, acknowledgements about things outside of his contemporary civilian life.

“Good afternoon, I’m Dr. Valerie Winston. We’ll be doing a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm your status. Miss Stinson, have you experienced a TV ultrasound previously?”

“Yes, twice.”

“Alright, we’ll go ahead with it then. May I request you take off your pants and underwear please?”

“Quick question, doc. What’s a transvaginal sound?” Booth couldn’t believe what he was actually hearing. Transvaginal what?

“It’s the same as any other imaging procedures done with an ultrasound equipment. As opposed to what you might be acquainted from film and TV, where the transducer is placed on the abdomen, the transducer will be inserted through the vagina canal, and from there we can perform the imaging analysis of Miss Stinson reproductive organs.” The doctor swiftly explained, hoping to be as clear and precise as possible.

The description painted a far too clear picture of what was going to happen that made Booth feel uneasy at the thought of being in such an intimate moment where maybe Rebecca would rather more privacy. The moment when the tech slipped a medical grade condom on the transducer, Booth started to panic inside about the breach of privacy this might entail.

“Should I stay here Becs or do you want to go through it privately?” He said, scooting on the little chair close to her ear.

“Seriously? Right now’s the time you wonder about privacy?”

“I was just asking since they’ll put that inside you.” He didn’t even want to eye the transducer.

“You inside me is why we’re here, so I think we’ll all be just fine staying where we are.”

“Cool. Okay. Got it. Can I take your hand?”

“If you want.” His hand trembled a little as he took hold of hers. Rebecca was surprised that he’d been the most worried party out of the two.

“Are you ready Miss Stinson?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, I will be inserting the transducer and we’ll start taking some measurements.”

The doctor took measurements of everything as well as the state of the organs and found the fetus in question. Once she had finished with the imaging, she had clicked on the print button to have the ultrasound images available to them as she explained what she had observed.

“So, while the resident OB will confirm the results, this clump over here is the fetus in question. While your chart reads that you do not have a precise date for your last menstruation, the measurements correspond with a timeframe of 8 to 9 weeks of pregnancy. Would you like to listen to the heartbeat.”

“Whoa, heartbeat? What?” Booth wasn’t ready at all to be jumping from pee sticks to a whole other heartbeat in less than three hours.

“What do you mean heartbeat? I just started feeling shitty these past two weeks.” Rebecca kept repeating in her head that there was no way she had been as clueless.

“While it is true that morning sickness is a symptom associated with early pregnancy, each pregnancy is unique, and your body responds in a way that’s only yours. I’ll let the doctor know about this so you can find a the best course of action that could work for your symptoms.”

“What about the heartbeat? Is that expected right now?” Booth had managed to regain the minimum of composure he had in him.

“Fetal cardiac tissue begins pulsating between week 5 and week 6. Usually during the 8 week appointment, we have a moment where we listen for the first time to control development stages.”

“And we can listen to that right now?” Rebecca was speechless about the fact Booth was ready to jump ahead with the biggest thing yet. No one could say he wasn’t a man of action, apparently.

“Yes, and it would be preferable since we’re at a stage where it’s advised we do so.” The doctor looked intently at the couple in front of her. They weren’t the first to be caught off-guard by pregnancy but the tension in the air made it clear she’d need to take a slow course of action.

“Whenever you’re ready, Becs.”

“Can we have two minutes, please?” She said, as she took a couple of breaths to steady herself.

“Do you need anything?” Booth enquired, having yet to let her hand go.

“No. It’s just it’s a fucking lot to realize I’m almost 9 weeks pregnant and there’s a baby with a heartbeat in me. How could I’ve missed something so big?”

“Miss Stinson, your pregnancy journey is yours to explore and navigate as your body settles and evolves with it. It’s alright to not have noticed at first.” The doctor tried to soothe her to the best of her capacity, though she understood this was a big change for every woman to grasp at first.

“We had drinks with Jonah and Felicity before your training. And there’s that night that Julia came and we had some wine with our pasta. I don’t think I’ve ever taken multivitamin pills in my life. And I drink at the very least four cups of black coffee every day.” Questions started to cloud her reasoning as she wondered how did she not know and how out of touch could she have been.

“Hey, Becs, that’s why where here. We’ll get the doctor to tell us how to do it and you’ll also get advice on what’s to come.”

“Miss Stinson, would you rather we stop?” The doctor didn’t want to distress her anymore than needed, especially since she was already in for IV fluids due to prolonged morning sickness.

“No, let’s get on with it. It’s just, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Would you like to call your mom?” Booth offered, taking out the cellphone in his coat and gesturing to hand it over to her.

“I’m not calling my mom from whatever government issued phone you have on you right now. That’s a landline, with your shitty rotary phone, type of conversation at home.” She snapped, trying to figure if that would hold her tears in.

“Okay. Just know it’s an option.”

“I want to hear the heartbeat, right now, if possible.”

The fretted pacing coming out from the little speaker attached to the monitor had sealed their fate for the rest of their lives. It was strong and determined, something that one couldn’t ever forget listening to. Surprisingly, Booth felt rage, deep seeded rage that started to burn his chest and his eyesight became blurred. He couldn’t fathom how someone could’ve been part of it twice and yet made some of the worst decisions ever. He wondered if his father listened to literal life in the making only to later observe the result with such contempt and disregard. How could his father not hold the highest degree of admiration to the one person that was making it possible. He dropped Rebecca’s hand and excused himself to the restroom while Rebecca’s eyes were filling up with tears and the tech reassured her that the doctor will be on her way as soon as possible.

The restroom was thankfully empty for a couple of minutes. He took a hard look at his face and tried to forget that there had been any traces of his father in it. He knew he took his eyes and nose from his mother side, but there was something about his damned cheeks or whatever that just seemed to be spitting back on him. The rage kept heating up inside him and he couldn’t think clearly about what he should be doing next. His eyes started filling up with tears and he wanted to scream his lungs out. He immediately rinsed his face with the coldest water the tap was capable of and decided he needed to take hold of his emotions within the next couple of minutes. By the ninth time he soaked his face in cold water, he could finally start thinking something other than rage and returned to the room. Rebecca was once again wearing her pants when he made it back and he took a seat beside her. Without fully looking at her face, he handed her out some tissue paper from the cart beside him.

“When’s the doctor coming by?”

“As soon as she’s available.” Rebecca, still unsure on how to approach his storming off decided to start with the biggest revelation so far. “He or she will be a handful if their heartbeat’s anything to go by.”

“He’s so alive.” He managed to coherently piece out as he tried to extinguish his rage.

“Are you alright?” Rebecca's concern at his abrupt departure was as outward as possible.

“I don’t even know and it should be me asking you how you’re taking it in.” He took a couple of tissue papers to blow his nose to distract him even further and give him extra time to hide from her gaze.

“All I know is this will be a Spring baby.” She said, holding the copy of the ultrasound the doctor had handled her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Surprised. Shocked. Scared. But it’s you who has to say something. You practically ran away.” In all the weirdness of the day, it had made her genuinely worried that he’d run despite his reassurances of marriage and staying.

“In the spirit of saying I’d let you in, all I can ask you is to please trust I’ll explain it back home.” It was the first time they had held eye contact since he left the examination room and it wasn't as comforting as either of them thought.

“Did anything happen?”

“I should be happy, Becs. Immensely happy. But I don’t understand why I just want to either cry or fight a specific person.” He managed to say, offering his hand once more and getting the ultrasound copies instead.

“Know I’ll ask again.”

“Yeah, I know.”

The doctor came by and explained what was happening, what would be happening next, and what should be their new routine moving forward. Every question they could come up with was promptly answered and after the IV infusion was done, she was allowed to be discharged by dinnertime.

Once home, they were seated and their pending conversation made the space feel heavy with uncertainty. Rebecca felt conflicted after knowing how much Booth wanted things to happen and at the same time, how he reacted to what was a confirmation of such. She wanted to believe that he’d be as reliable as he said, but there were no guarantees of it. Meanwhile Booth didn’t know how to breach the topic because he was sure that this would be the final nail in the coffin that would distance Rebecca so much he’d be tossed out of his child’s life just as soon as he knew of his existence.

“Seeley, about the hospital, we’re in no state but I need to know what happened. Are you scared now?”

“No, I’ll never be scared of this. This is probably the best thing to have ever happened to me, even if what will happen with us is uncertain. But you won’t like what I’ll tell you.” His voice, somber by the weight of what he had figured he’d let her know about him.

“I think I can be the judge of that.”

“You know how you said you didn’t know if you could do family law because it’s very tolling at times? From a very fucked up angle, one could say I was a family law case.” Booth started toying with the beer cap that was on the mantle, fidgeting his way through his statement. “I wasn’t afforded a good childhood. Actually, that’s unfair on Pops. I wasn’t afforded the first eleven years’ of it. Pops demanded custody and went through Hell to get all the guardianship documentation in order to make sure Jared and I would be safe. And I’m no perfect man. I have my vices, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, and there are things I’ve done that I don’t know if I can ever reconcile with.”

He stood up and headed towards the kitchen counter with the envelopes, bringing the whole lot of them and placing them on the table before continuing.

“Having said that, when the heartbeat started to play, I immediately thought of how little one could come to respect what is, in all senses, a miracle. We were supposed to be protected with some marginal chances of all that failing, yet here we are. I know how the doctor said that this was your choice and I will always respect that. I’m 110% in and I’ll find a way to be that person, regardless of what you choose to do. But you must know that I was shown time and time again throughout those eleven years how little some could come to care about the life they made. In the spirit of honesty, all I can say is I felt beyond angry. It was supposed to be the best moment of my life and all I could think about was how angry I was at the level of disregard I felt and experienced at home when I was little. In that same degree of honesty, I know that I’ll strive for the rest of my life to not only respect our kid, bur cherish him or her. I want them to feel and know that I will always be there, in mind, body, and soul. That I truly love them with all of my heart and that there’s nothing in the world that could ever change the level of love and respect I have for them.”

Rebecca could easily believe what was being said, but she felt somehow as if she was meeting him for the first time in her life. There was the side of him she’d never seen before, sitting across her, and showing her a sense of deep seeded pain that seemed to have molded him, even if his outward demeanor had always been easygoing, cheery, and boyish at times.

“You’re right, it’s not something I was expecting to hear but this is the first time I’ve heard anything about your childhood. You’ve met my parents, my sisters, anyone from back home we’ve encountered by chance. Before today, I just knew you grew up with your grandparents and you’re part of the Army and the FBI. That doesn’t mean you aren’t still the person that makes breakfast and takes me out to do fun stuff after that. It does raise some alarms in me to know that there might be some friction with your family but what would’ve been so bad about telling me this at all? Matter of fact, if we weren’t in this situation, would you have said anything?”

“I don’t know and I probably never will. I don’t want you to know what happened on a battlefield or what happened in my childhood because those are things that shouldn’t matter and shouldn’t count in our home. You’re already scared of what’s coming next and I’ll go ahead and include myself in feeling as scared as you are. What good would it do to have you listen to all that?” He truthfully didn’t want to overtly concern Rebecca with his stability or the harshness of his childhood.

“I don’t know, maybe getting to know one another. I’ll admit I’ve withheld a lot of myself too. You should’ve known I wanted a family later on, that I wanted to still be single and navigating my life as such. You’re not going to like this, but I actually like it that there’s a moment of the year where we don’t physically see each other. It makes me feel as if I’m still capable of standing on my own two feet.” It was now or never when they had to let the other person in and, with Booth having led the conversation, it was time for her to do so.

“You like it when I’m away?” He didn’t ever suspect it. She’d always been the most welcoming, coming to the airport and making him feel as if he’d survived for a good reason.

“Not like that. I feel fine during the hours surrounding when I know you’re safe or I get confirmation you’re doing fine. It’s more manageable when you’re stateside. But, I don’t know, maybe I’m addicted to knowing I can save myself? Or to be reassured that I can still build my own life, no questions asked?”

“In that case, I think this one should be a team decision.” He shuffled the envelopes he had placed on the tables until he landed on the one he needed. “You’ll be going through something very different this time and, while you must know I will always be here, you should have a say in this matter too.”

It dawned on her that, whatever would happen tonight, was going to define their future for at least the upcoming year or two. She didn’t want to be part of the decision, she had never been part of it, and she was perfectly okay with not being included. It was his life and they were free to do as they wished. Inadvertently, she had gone from saying no to being a married couple to having a 50% stake in a life-altering decision with none of the guarantees she knew other spouses had in case of things going wrong. She thought of Teddy’s girl and family at Arlington, knowing that it could easily be her the one standing there depending on how things would go. Not only that, but then she’d have a little person to whom she’d have to explain why they were there if things went awful.

“I don’t think this is the day to open it, Booth.”

“I beg to differ. Today you have a lifechanging choice as much as I have mine. I won’t back down from saying that I’ll be here 110%, no matter what you choose because, as the doctor said, it’s your body the one that will be our kid’s home. I’m also well aware that I should be bringing something to the table if that kid’s coming. I’d hate to leave you, but we seem to need time to settle into what’s coming on our own. There are a series benefits that come with a standard deployment, including allowances as well as risk payment depending on where I go. Now, what you need to factor in is that I’m far enough in my career for that to be decent money, especially since I don’t have much to spend it on while abroad.”

“This is the complete opposite of not stressing me out with your career choices.” She said, raising her voice enough to see if he would just stop.

“I will do my best to go through all the necessary procedures to have them recognize that the kid and you will have access to it if the worst came to happen. You have my word on that and I’m sure you’d take them all the way to the world’s end court of law if needed be. The letter doesn’t seem to specify but if I’m to leave for it to be worth, it would have to be for six months that I could push to turn into nine if needed.”

“I’m sure I’ll have my parents’ support so money should not be the reason you’re going wherever that says.” Rebecca thought better than to think he’d gone absolutely mad, yet his demeanor was that of someone who was ready to give it all. Was he thinking he had nothing to loose in the name of providing for a child that was still no bigger than a nut?

“I don’t have to decide right now but I want you to know that I will do what it takes to make sure the kid’s always provided for while respecting your space. I’ll have a talk with my boss at the FBI to see what my future would look like once I’m back and I’ll draft a plan for what’s the best way to go about this. But you have a say in this too, because it’s important we start having team decisions about us.” He was putting himself out, all in, making it clear that as long as he was standing, his child would be given everything he had in his possessions and his whole heart too.

“Can we think about it later on?”

“Yeah, I have time before I reply to this. Rebecca, we’re in this together and we’ll all be doing the best with what we have and with what we can. This is what I can offer to start with and, as we grow, we’ll see how we go about it.”

“This is taking it at least ten miles too far for my need of space to process this.” Her eyes started welling up again. They had done nothing but cry or feel tears for the whole day and it was wearing them thin with each sentence uttered.

“I will do my best to be back in one piece, but I don’t have much else to offer right now. You’re right in saying there would be conflict with my family and our kid does deserve what you have in that sense. Your family will adore having a new grandkid. I don’t want anyone but my grandparents, this one aunt, and my brother ever coming in contact with our kid. They deserve the best and if going out to get this in order for them is what I can do, so be it.”

The rest of the evening was spent in silence, with only quick glances or the clattering of things around the house filling the ambiance. They went to bed feeling that, as they shared the bed, they’ve become practically strangers to each other as the day passed.

Rebecca discovered that, in the gaps left by their shelved pending conversations over the last two years, she hadn’t known or realized who she had been in a relationship with. She didn’t want to be defined by a yes wearing only underwear on the bathroom, but she started to wonder what could she be missing by saying no. It wasn’t negative or dark what she saw in him today, but she had to admit she’d never noticed the degree of determination and seriousness with which he took his life decisions. In truth, she would’ve never associated those adjectives with him if she were to have based her conclusions about him on any other circumstances they’d shared so far. He was so eager and lively at times, full of energy, ready to just go and enjoy whatever came to be and, above all, always trying his best in being a caring partner. He was short fused with some mundane things though he’d never be even the slightest disrespectful to her in any way possible. But she didn’t recall observing or noticing how private and hardened to the core he could be. It seemed as if he was always holding on the reins of something that she wouldn’t be privy of.

More than ever, Booth was determined to show anyone who’d ever known about his past that he wouldn’t let it take hold of him. He’d go, one final time, to give Rebecca space, settle his affairs, and above all, start providing at least something tangible to their kid. He had to become the adult he wanted to have in his life when he was young.