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The grass was itchy. It grabbed at his legs, thousands of tiny hands clutching at him and keeping him tethered to the ground. He had tried, several times, to stand and make his way to the food hall, but he never managed to raise more than a hand. All the energy had been drained from his body; even the air felt heavy on his chest. The blades of grass dragged him down, and he eagerly let them. He wanted nothing more right now than to disappear into the earth.
The grass was itchy, but he didn’t care. At least it wasn’t trying to kill him like everything else in this godforsaken camp.
His eyes were closed, shielding his sight from the sun. Visions of climbing wall grips swam behind his vision, and his ears were full of the sound of light bells. He wasn’t sure if they were real or just hallucinations, but he still clung to them. If he stopped paying attention, his mind started to wander, and he could still feel it. The way his cells ripped apart at the seams. The way his flesh fell off his bones as easily as wet paper being torn. He couldn’t think about it. But he’d never forget it.
A shadow passed over his face, but he didn’t care. He was doing his best to not think of anything, to pretend like time, for just a moment, had stopped. He didn’t hear Yvonne calling his name. If he did, he probably would’ve just ignored it anyway. He really didn’t want to talk right now.
But he did feel it when she slapped him in the face. He bolted upright. “O–ow, dude! What the hell?”
“I called your name like ten times, Joshua. Don’t ignore me!”
He sighed and laid back down. “I’m not ignoring you. I’m ignoring everything.”
“Well that’s dumb. Come on, dinner started like 20 minutes ago, you should eat something.”
She said something else, but Joshua stopped listening. His chest had tightened up, and his breathing went shallow.
No. He can’t… he can’t go back to the mess hall. If he goes back, then dinner starts. If dinner starts, the camp ends. He ends. He can’t go back. He doesn’t want to start over.
He started gripping his arms. Maybe if he held tight enough, he could stop his cells from pulling away. He knew it didn’t matter. His hands would go too. He drew blood.
Yvonne stared at him. In all the years she had known Joshua, she had never seen him like this. She didn’t even remember seeing him really upset. Even in college, if he failed an exam or got rejected by Sydney for the twentieth time, he was never anything more than frustrated, and usually he’d just laugh it off. But right now… he looked like how Yvonne felt after eating Matthew’s cooking. It unnerved her in a way she had never known. She tried to snap him out of it.
“Come on, asshole, I left Juniper looking after the kids. If we don’t get back soon, he’ll have asserted his dominance and replaced you as the alpha male!” She poked his shoulder, hoping the joke would at least make him smile, or maybe just look at her. But nothing. She was starting to get worried. Joshua always bounced back, no matter what crazy shit happened at camp. Maybe he just needed another push?
Yvonne punched his shoulder, earning a yelp from Joshua. At least it was some sign of life. “Seriously, Joshua, let’s go. This mopey act is killing my mood.”
He turned his head towards her. Finally, she thought, and she breathed a sigh of relief that he was moving. But then she saw his eyes. There was… so much there. She had expected them to look annoyed, or be narrowed in a glare. Hell, a part of her would’ve been fine if he just looked sad. But no. Instead she saw so much more in his eyes. Pure rage, far more than regular annoyance. A deep, deep hurt. And so. Much. Fear. It shook her more than the silent treatment.
He sat up and kept staring at her. “Yvonne, do you know what happened to me? Like, do you actually realize the shit I’ve just been through?”
“Y-yeah, you like, lived the same day over and over again, why–”
“No,” he interrupted her. “I lived through hell, over and over again. Do you remember last year when that camper pulled your hair out?”
“Ugh, yeah. Marshall Gooden, that little shit. That hurt like hell.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it was really rough for you. Now imagine that the universe is pulling your atoms out of you. Imagine the feeling of your veins drying up and ripping out of your body, every follicle of hair on your skin tearing away, your cells deciding they hate each other and spreading as far apart as possible. Even feeling that once is enough to make you want to crawl into a hole and waste away. And I went through that 67 fucking times. Don’t tell me I’m “killing the mood.” The universe killed me, over and over and over. So either sit there silently and accept that I’m not gonna be ok for a while, or fuck off.”
And with that, he lay back down and closed his eyes again. Yvonne sat there, dumbfounded. Joshua had never told her to leave him alone, not once. She could hit him, call him every insult under the sun, and bully him until his already low self esteem hit rock bottom. But he still stuck with her. He still stayed around, let her take her frustrations out on him. He had never told her to leave him alone. She considered slapping him again, try to regain some sense of normalcy. But… this wasn’t normal. Joshua was hurting. And she was acting like a dick.
She lay down silently in the grass next to him, taking a moment to feel the cool breeze brush against her. She turned to Joshua, who had started silently crying, and took a deep breath.
“Joshua, I… fuck, I’m sorry.” He opened his eyes, but didn’t look directly at her. “I didn’t realize… well, I guess, I’ve never really seen the world affect you before. You always just, bounce back. Seeing you like this, I’m just… a little freaked out. But, that doesn’t mean I get to be mean to you. So, I’m sorry.”
He didn’t say anything, but the tears started coming harder now. He sniffed a few times, and she took his hand. They sat there together for a few minutes, Yvonne occasionally running her thumb over Joshua’s knuckles. Eventually, the tears stopped coming, and the only sounds came from the cicadas in the trees. Yvonne sat up, and Joshua followed suit.
“Fuck, Yvonne.” He wiped his eyes. “Why me? What did I do? I– I try to do my best, look after the kids, be at least somewhat friendly with my coworkers. I try so fucking hard, why don’t… I mean, why doesn’t…” He trailed off.
“…you’re not talking about the time loop anymore, are you?”
“‘Male hysteria,’” he said bitterly. “Those were his words. Why does he hate me? I don’t get what I could’ve done. He doesn’t have to like me, I just… I just want him to… fuck, I don’t know, treat me like a human being? I spent all day, for weeks, making sure everyone was safe and helping people. I don’t know why I even bother if he’s just going to treat me like shit, no matter what I do.”
“Because that’s the kind of person you are, Joshua.” She looked up towards the sky. “You always try to cover it up with this weird patriarchal, Darwinistic bullshit, but at the end of the day, you give a shit. You care more about the people around you than you say. And sure, it might make Sydney’s hatred like ten times worse, but it also makes you a pretty good counselor, dude.”
Joshua didn’t say anything for a while. He knew Yvonne was his friend. Despite all the insulting and physical abuse he got from her, she was the only person in camp who went out of her way to hang out with him. She never took anything too far. So he was fine with acting as a punching bag. But, right now, lying in the grass, half out of his mind, he had to admit, he was glad for the words of comfort. It gave him the courage to vocalize his real fear.
“…Yvonne?”
“Yeah?”
“What if it’s not over?”
She turned to face him. “What?”
“What if the loop wasn’t caused by the rock walls? What if dinner starts and I’m ripped apart and everything starts over again?” He wrapped his arms around himself. “What am I supposed to do?”
“I… I’m not sure.”
Joshua just nodded. He figured Yvonne wouldn’t have any advice. He had spent months trying to figure out how to break out of this loop. She wouldn’t figure it out on her first go. If this did start over, he’d probably never get out. He wasn’t sure what else he could do, at this point.
“But,” she broke him out of his thoughts, “if this day does restart, you have to do me a favor.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Tell me about it, doofus. I might not be able to do much, but, well, you know I'll do everything I can. Plus, I’d appreciate it if you kept me… in the loop.”
It was a poor attempt at a joke. But he let himself laugh. He wasn’t sure if it was the last time he’d get to laugh.
“Alright, dude. I’ll let you know.”
“Good.” She stood up. “Do you wanna come to dinner?”
“I… don’t think I’m ready yet.”
She nodded. “Want me to bring you anything?”
“Nah,” he lay back down and put his hands behind his head. “I’m just gonna stay out here for a bit.”
“Alright. See you tonight.”
“Bye, Yvonne.”
She walked away, leaving him to stare at the sky by himself, trying to ignore the doubts that plagued his mind. He told himself it was over. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen soon. Though, that might just be a side effect from working at this particular camp.
He did his best to ignore the feeling. Yvonne had his back. Who cared if he went through 100 more loops of painful agony. His best friend would help him out, no matter what. He let the thought repeat over and over again until he calmed down. He closed his eyes and let the wind brush over his skin. The grass didn’t feel so itchy, anymore.