Chapter Text
Josh couldn’t understand what he felt when he looked down at Ethan in his hands.
It was a quiet night. Lily hadn’t even reached for him that day, so Josh had spent the entire day holding Ethan. They’d even had time to wash him. Josh used his hands to warm some of their water in an overturned bottlecap, just enough for Ethan to wash. It was the first time Ethan had been able to get clean since he’d been shrunk down again. Lily only held Josh under the kitchen sink when he got dirty, and Ethan was too small for her to even see anymore.
He’d only half dressed afterward, not bothering with his jeans or boots or hoodie, just laying, soft and relaxed, in Josh’s palm in his undershirt and boxers. His skin was almost glowing, and Jesus Christ, he was soft. Josh couldn’t look away. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He’d been more fascinated than usual recently with holding him, touching him. He couldn’t stop himself from wanting to press his fingers onto Ethan’s back in gentle strokes.
He wanted to run his fingertip through Ethan’s hair, so impossibly red and fine. He wanted to squeeze Ethan’s arms, run his fingers over his tiny bare feet, like he was a little, living miracle. Josh loved the thinness of his skin, the softness of his hair, the feeling of his bones shifting as he rearranged himself in his palm. Every breath he took made Josh’s own chest tighten. His little heart. His tiny lungs. Veins like blue threads. Josh couldn’t even fathom how a human being could be so small. So delicate.
So… cute.
Wait, cute?
Josh froze.
Wait, no. Not cute like that. But…kind of exactly like that?
His skin went hot. Anxiety crawled up the back of his neck. He wasn’t supposed to think that. Not about Ethan. He was his best friend! A guy! He was small enough to fit in his hands like a mouse.
What the hell was wrong with him? Ethan was so tiny and breakable… even four-inch Josh was a goddamn giant by comparison. A single twitch and he could crush him. Rip his arm off. Break him. That wasn’t fair. That wasn’t normal. He was supposed to protect him. Take care of him. Keep him safe when he wasn’t able to do that for himself. He definitely wasn’t supposed to be feeling this pull.
He wasn’t going to think about how warm he was. How soft his clean skin was. How light he was, resting between Josh’s fingers. The way that Josh’s own nerves tingled when Ethan’s skin shifted against his. But he was. And he couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Ethan was adorable. Precious.
And… he’s mine.
Mine.
The thought hit him like a blow to the chest. It wasn’t a sweet thought exactly. But damn, it was overwhelming. Ethan belonged in his hands, against his skin. He wanted to keep him there and hide him and... hold him forever.
Josh’s heart kicked into high gear, climbing up his throat, choking him. He could feel his own pulse in his fingertips. Ethan shifted slightly, adjusting to the trembling cradle of his palms, and looked up. There was something in his face. He looked up, his little head tilted to the side, his eyes narrowed slightly. Then he smiled, his little face the picture of trust. Ethan pushed himself upright, the slightest motion, and settled back into the groove of Josh’s fingers like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like he belonged there. Like he wanted to be there more than anywhere else. Josh’s face flushed hot, something fearful spidering up his spine.
Stop, you have to put him down, now!
But his hands were moving before he could listen, lifting Ethan slowly, up to his chest.
What the hell am I doing?
Ethan’s eyes tracked him calmly, still curious. Josh brought him closer, all the way up to his face. Close enough to see the tiny rise and fall of his chest. The weightless brush of his breath. Those impossibly small green eyes, watching him. He was too close, and Ethan wasn’t pulling away. Josh couldn’t control the powerful beating of his heart. Why wasn’t he pulling away?
If Ethan had looked nervous, or shifted uncomfortably, or flinched, Josh could have snapped back to himself. He could have written this one off, locked it all down and pretended he didn’t feel anything. This was a fluke, just a… moment of weakness because he’d had more of a break than usual. But Ethan just kept looking at him. He didn’t look afraid, or nervous, or like he wanted to be put down.
He looked like he was… waiting.
Josh’s breath caught. His hands trembled harder. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t handle that kind of trust. He could only wait one more heartbeat before he made his move.
He brought his hands closer slowly. His hand cupped around Ethan's back... and then he pressed him gently to his lips.
Ethan’s entire body met him, curved into his palm, molded to his mouth. Josh could feel everything, the impossible brush of his hair on his skin, the delicate flutter of his heart beating in the center of his mouth. He breathed in and Ethan was there. The scent of his little body flowing in through his mouth, his nose. The taste of him spreading over his tongue. Jesus, he was so warm.
“Oh…!” Ethan gasped, his breath blossoming across Josh’s upper lip like steam. He placed his tiny hands on Josh’s lips, ten tiny little pinpricks of contact spread across the sensitive skin.
It felt like lightning, tingling through his mouth and down to his chest from the pinpricks of Ethan’s little fingers. Josh’s breath hitched as he lingered, just a moment too long.
Just long enough for the act to be unmistakable. It wasn’t just a fluke, and Josh knew it. Josh let out a sound before he could think, a quiet moan, as his eyes fluttered closed. It vibrated through his hand, echoing through his chest, through Ethan’s entire body.
But all Ethan could feel was him. He shivered. It was so warm it was almost hot. He was completely surrounded. Josh’s palm at his back, Josh’s lips eclipsing his front. They were so wide and soft, they felt like pillows. Ethan’s entire body felt alight. It was disorienting and exciting, and he didn’t want it to stop. Every nerve ending was burning with something he’d never felt before, not even when he’d been full-size. This was something brand new, that he didn’t even know was possible.
And that sound – oh, God… that sound. The moan from Josh’s lips didn’t scare him. It thrilled him. He leaned into Josh’s lips, arching his back, pressing himself fully against the softness in front of him. There wasn’t a lot he could really do like this, but he could at least try and give back the way he wanted to.
And then... it was over.
Josh lowered Ethan down, but his hands still shook. His breath caught halfway up his throat, his eyes fluttering, wild. He couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t even freakin’ breathe.
What had he just done?
His lips still tingled. He could still feel Ethan’s warmth there. He could taste the ghost of his skin. If he focused (which he shouldn’t have been doing, Jesus, what was wrong with him?) he could remember the feeling of his chest up against his mouth, the softness and warmth of his body in his palm. The pulse of something curling deep in his stomach, hot and terrifying. His whole body felt lit up and wrong and raw.
He clenched his thighs, trying to hold still, trying to dam up the flood that was steadily building inside of him.
I can’t… I can’t want this.
But he did. His body had already answered for him. And then his gaze dropped. Ethan hadn’t moved. He was laying sprawled in Josh’s palm, limbs draped like he'd melted there. His tiny face was flushed pink, his chest rising and falling in short, fast bursts. His eyes were half-lidded, blinking slow. His expression was the picture of bliss.
Oh.
Josh froze.
Oh god.
I-I…
His hands trembled desperately, fear mixing with a physical need so potent his fingers ached. His breath stuttered, his throat closing.
Ethan was so beautiful like that.
It was the fact that he looked like that from just a kiss. It was the power Josh held over him. It was Ethan’s complete and utter helplessness as he lay delicately in Josh’s hand. The fact that Ethan hadn’t even fought, he’d just let Josh kiss him like that and hadn’t stopped him or said something, or…
It was the way he lay there, totally blissed out, like he’d just been f—
No. No, don’t think about it! STOP!
He trusted me!
He lowered his hands to the bed, carefully easing Ethan to the bed, pulling his fingers back up to his chest.
“Josh?” Ethan said, quietly, tilting his tiny little head. Josh looked away, pushing himself to a stand.
“I- I need a minute.” He said, his voice cracking right down the middle. “Just… just stay here a second.”
He stepped over to the far wall, his hands shaking, his legs trembling. Ethan didn’t say anything behind him, but he could feel the disappointment and the worry of rejection. But he couldn’t keep looking at him. Not right now.
What was he thinking? What did this… make him?
Ethan was male. Tiny. Completely dependent on him. Josh had never even considered being with a guy before. And even if he had, his best friend had to be totally off limits, right? That was just… that wasn’t how things were supposed to be.
I’m supposed to keep him safe! I’m… I’m supposed to taking care of him!
If he wanted to touch Ethan like that, did that make him a predator? Would Josh be taking advantage of him? Ethan couldn’t stop him, even if he wanted to. He could say no and Josh didn’t have to listen. The very idea of it made Josh feel woozy and nauseous. He wouldn’t do that. He would never ignore Ethan if he said no. But… what if he was too scared to say no? What if he’d been so caught off guard he didn’t say anything?
Oh god, his stomach was hurting.
Was he only into the idea because they’d been locked in here for so long? Would he be feeling like this if they were still full-sized, working jobs like normal? If they went to the park and lay in the grass and looked into each other’s eyes and—
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. No, this was something. And that something kept pulling at him, his fingers twitching, his mind spiraling.
He wanted to turn around, to scoop Ethan’s body into his palm and kiss him again – for real this time. He wanted to surrender to his own desire, make Ethan his. To claim him completely. He wanted to cradle Ethan in his palms, press him to his mouth, feel his warmth in his hands. He wanted to make Ethan feel safe and seen and adored.
But he couldn’t do any of that right now. He needed to sit, think, and remember who he was before all this.
Josh’s hand pulled away, leaving coldness where he’d just been surrounded by warmth. Ethan blinked softly, like he was waking up from a dream.
He lay still in the rumpled blanket, his skin still tingling. His heart pounding. Josh had kissed him.
His face was getting warm just thinking about it again. And it hadn’t been something idle, like the back rubs or the gentle brushes of his finger that were the only human contact Ethan got these days. No. This had been something for real. Josh had been intentional about it. Well, as intentional as he could have been, considering Josh looked about as surprised as Ethan was that he did that.
Josh’s mouth was everywhere, soft and big and alive. Ethan had tried to offer what little contact he could offer, basically just his hands on Josh’s lips and pressing himself deeper into it, but he couldn’t really do anything else. He couldn’t kiss back or touch his face or stop him from leaving.
He wanted to. God, he really wanted to.
But there was no comparison. Josh had kissed him, and all Ethan could do was sit there and let him, no matter how much else he wanted to do. He’d never gotten excited just from being kissed, not like that. Not even with the girls he’d been on Tinder dates with. But Jesus, this was something totally different.
Had he ever thought about Josh that way? He couldn’t really remember. He’d been with guys before. Grindr was easier than Tinder, especially when all he wanted was a distraction from his shitty home life, but Josh had always felt like a different category altogether. Just… a friend?
But Jesus, now he couldn’t stop thinking about him. When Josh dropped him like a live wire, it stung. Not physically, but emotionally. And now Josh couldn’t even look at him!
Ethan sat up slowly, arms wrapping around his knees. The rush was fading now, replaced by something smaller and more nervous. Not because of what he felt, but because maybe Josh didn’t want it like he did. He stared across the room at the giant’s hunched back. Josh’s hands were shaking. His whole body looked knotted, pulled inward.
God, was Josh ashamed of him? Was he afraid of what they’d done? Was he nervous about kissing a guy? Ethan wanted more, obviously, but what did that even mean between two people like them? Josh could still hold him in one hand. He could still crush him without trying.
But that didn’t make Ethan a child, or incapable of knowing what he wanted. It just meant they had to talk. They still had no idea how long Ethan would be like this. For all they knew, he could be small like this forever. And Ethan didn’t want to wait forever. His life was already shitty enough. No, he wanted this, and he wanted it for real. What was he going to say when Josh next picked him up? Because he had to say something.
He didn’t want to stay quiet anymore.