Work Text:
First year:
Pansy Parkinson knew she was an ugly girl. She was short, skinny and had a face that looked like a pug.
Pansy Parkinson knew Draco Malfoy would never turn to look at her. He was the handsome, popular prince.
Pansy didn't have any friends. She had lost the chance to create a friendship with her roommates, the very first night she spent at Hogwarts.
"What's your name?" Had asked a dark-haired girl, "I’m Tracey Davis."
"Davis?" asked Pansy her eyes widening. That was not a pureblood name. This must mean the girl was a mudblood and her mother had always told her mudbloods were filthy animals. "Are you a mudblood?" she asked coldly.
"What?" said Davis looking offended.
"What's going on here?" asked a different voice. Another girl with blond hair and blue eyes wrapped her arm around Davis' shoulders protectively. "Do you have a problem with Tracey?"
Pansy took a step back defensively, "yes I do, she's a filthy mudblood."
The blond haired girl that Pansy had recognized as Daphne Greengrass, a pureblood, gritted her teeth. She took a step forward and stood in front of Pansy. She was much taller than the pug-faced girl.
"Listen ugly," said Daphne angrily, "Tracey is not a mudblood, she's a half-blood. If you dare to insult Tracey again, you'll wake up one day with all your hair shaved and your face permanently scarred. Although," she smirked ,"I doubt you can get any uglier."
Pansy whimpered and ran out of the room. She had messed up. Nobody would want to be her friend now.
Daphne and Tracey never talked to her after that. In fact they would sometimes sneer at her, whisper things and laugh behind her back. Milicent, the other girl Pansy shared the room with, seemed more interested in cats than in people. As for the boys in her year, none of them was interested in her. Draco Malfoy, the boy she was in love with since she first met him when she was six, ignored her despite the friendship of their families. Crabbe and Goyle were mean and dull. Zabini only spent time with Draco or with older students. Nott was a mystery.
And Pansy was alone.
Second year:
Pansy always spent the time drawing in Binns' class. It was the only thing that kept her from falling asleep. Milicent was basically snoring next to her.
"What's this?" said Daphne grabbing the parchment.
"Give it back, you bitch!" snarled Pansy.
Daphne looked at the piece of parchment and then at Pansy. "This is disgusting," she said, "that freak draws dead bodies covered in blood."
"Wait, doesn't that boy look like that Creevey who got petrified?" Tracey studied the drawing.
"Merlin! You're right." The blond looked at Pansy with disgust. "You can't be the heir of Slytherin because you're too stupid, but I bet you're happy someone got attacked, eh Parkinson? I bet death excites you."
"You freaking psycho!" agreed Tracey.
"Will you three shut up?" said Milicent Bulstrode. "Some of us are trying to sleep."
Daphne threw the paper like it was something filthy and whispered something to Tracey. The two girls giggled quietly.
"Did you really draw Creevey?" asked Milicent.
"None of your business, fatty," said Pansy.
Milicent's eyes widened. "Fine, dog-face," she snarled and went back to sleep.
Pansy sighed. She hadn’t meant to snap at Milicent like that but she was very angry after what happened with the two other girls. She looked at the drawing. Colin Creevey was how she imagined him. Eyes wide open, blood leaking from his ears and a terrified expression at his face. She wondered if she indeed was a psychopath.
She ran out of the classroom and started crying. The ghost-teacher didn't even notice her leaving.
Third year:
Pansy had decided that things would change this year. She would not put up with Greengrass and Davis any longer. She would be a part of the popular kids, no matter what it took.
For this to happen she needed to be part of Malfoy's gang. Even though Malfoy had ignored her since first year, their parents were still on friendly terms. Perhaps if she gained his attention, perhaps if she reminded him of her presence...Perhaps he would accept her, maybe allow her to be his friend.
Malfoy was telling some joke. She tried to concentrate to see what it was all about. She caught the words "Potter", "dementors" and "faint" and then Draco pretended to faint himself. Many Slytherins laughed loudly.
She spotted Potter walking towards the Gryffindor table. This was her chance.
"Hey, Potter!" she shrieked, "Potter! The Dementors are coming, Potter! Woooooooo!"
Some Slytherins actually laughed. Pansy felt proud of herself. Draco glanced at her and winked.
Pansy was furious. How dared this stupid oaf bring something dangerous in class? It was all his fault.
She hesitantly approached Draco. They weren't exactly on friendly terms, but she desperately wanted be close to him.
"How is it Draco?" she asked. "Does it hurt much?"
"Yes," his face a mask of pain.
"That Hagrid is horrible," she said trying to make a conversation," he was only hired because he's best friends with the headmaster."
"You don't say!" he said already looking away. He soon after joined Zabini's and Nott's conversation ,ignoring her.
Pansy felt like crying. No matter what she did, she was never good enough.
She entered the Slytherin dormitory and heard someone sobbing. She realized it was none other than Milicent Bulstrode.
"What happened?" she asked hesitantly.
"Poppy!" the other girl whimpered, "she died."
Pansy looked lost for a moment before realizing that Milicent was talking about that cat of hers.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she didn't know what to say, "how did she die?"
Milicent wiped away her tears, "she was pretty old I guess. Why do you care anyway? You were never nice to me or Poppy.”
Pansy suppressed her snarky response. She needed to get Bulstrode on her side. Bulstrode was the only girl in her year who didn’t outright hated her.
“You can always get a new cat,” she said.
Milicent was now in tears again. “You don’t understand! I don’t want another cat, I want my Poppy. My family had her since she was only a kitten.”
Pansy mentally slapped herself. Why did she always have to say the wrong thing? Why couldn’t things for once go as she wanted.
“Trelawney predicted it,” said Milicent. “She said something bad will happen to me.”
“She says the same things to everyone…”
“Yea, I guess you’re right,” she blew her nose into a handkerchief ,”so what do you want Parkinson?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s no way you’d be nice to me if you didn’t want something, so what is it?”
Pansy felt a little offended, so this was what everyone thought about her? She decided to be brutally honest.
“You and I are the outcasts of Slytherin,” she pointed out. “I thought that maybe we could…stick together. We don’t even need to be friends, we can just be allies so that people won’t pick on us.”
“Why would you need something like that? Aren’t you friends with Malfoy?”
“No, not really,” admitted Pansy biting her lips , “but I will be his friend soon.”
“You always follow him around like a lost puppy,” Milicent smirked.
“Shut up! I know there are people who pick on you.”
“You’re one of them!”
“When did I ever pick on you?”
“You always mock me for being fat!”
“Alright, I’m sorry,” said Pansy now feeling a bit embarrassed. She always felt she was the one being bullied and it never occurred to her she could also be a bully sometimes. “I just thought that it would be easier for us if we stuck together. Ugh, never mind ,” she turned around to leave.
“No, wait,” said Milicent. “Will you stop calling me names?”
“Yes.”
“Will you support me when others pick on me?”
“Only if you stand up for me when Daphne and Tracey act like bitches.”
“Language Parkinson! Ok, I will do something about Daphne and Tracey. My father works with Daphne’s father, I think. Perhaps, I can talk to him.”
“Don’t make us sound like snitches and daddy’s girls, that’s the last thing we need!”
“I know what I’m doing Parkinson, do you really think I got sorted into Slytherin for nothing?’
“Very well,” said Pansy hoping she was making the right decision. Well, surely things couldn’t get much worse, could they?
Milicent gave her hand and she shook it. “Lets have an alliance.”
Fourth Year:
Pansy was lying on her bed, breathing heavily. She knew what she wanted and she needed to gather the courage to do it: ask Draco to the Yule Ball.
The past few months have probably been the best in her life. She and Draco had become somewhat close or at least he would sometimes talk to her, especially during Hagrid’s class that they both “hated”. Pansy would never admit the truth but Care of Magical Creatures was her favorite class, only because she could get to spend some time with Draco.
Daphne and Tracey had also stopped picking on her, after she started hanging out with Milicent. From what Pansy understood, Milicent had convinced her father to talk to Daphne’s father about the bullying and this was apparently enough to stop it. She was surprised that it was so easy, but Milicent explained to her that Daphne always had a soft spot for her daddy.
She looked at herself in the mirror. Her mother had told her this summer that she had got prettier. She wondered if there was any truth in it.
She was a very short and skinny fourteen year old girl. She had very small breasts and hard face features. That ugly face usually made her look like a man or like a pug, however Pansy had started using make-up since the beginning of the year and things had improved.
She knew Draco didn’t have a date for the Yule Ball yet, she needed to make a move before it was too late. She took a deep breath and walked towards the common room.
She found him there, watching Crabbe and Goyle playing explosive snap with a bored expression. Gather your courage Pansy, this is your chance.
“D-Draco, can I talk to you?”
He turned towards her and smiled. Pansy thought he was beautiful.
“Sure what do you want?”
“C-can I talk to you alone?”
He rolled his eyes and stood up walking out of the room with her. Pansy heard Crabbe and Goyle chuckling.
“What is it Pansy babe?”
Pansy blushed. “Ehm, I was wondering if youwanttogototheyuleballwithme?”
“What? I didn’t catch that,” he said but he was smirking and Pansy wondered whether he was messing with her.
“Umm, do you want to go to the Ball with me?”
He thought about it for a bit. “Sure baby, but wear something presentable and put on some make-up. I can’t go out with just anyone.”
“S-sure.”
He smirked and cupped her cheek with his palm. He looked at her for a few seconds.
“Malfoy?” a voice interrupted them. Pansy turned and saw none other than Blaise Zabini studying them with an amused expression.
“Blaise, come with me. Babe we’ll talk later,” he winked at her and followed Blaise back to the common room. Pansy stood behind the door red as a tomato. Perhaps, perhaps Draco liked her after all.
Suddenly she heard the boys laughing. She concentrated trying to hear what they were talking about.
“I told you she would invite me to the Ball,” said Draco.
“Why did you even accept?” asked Zabini, “she looks like a troll.”
“She’s good enough for a snog and our parents have been friends for years.”
“She’s obsessed with you, always trying to mimic everything you do. If you don’t manage to fuck her, you’ll be a huge failure , Malfoy,” said Zabini.
“Perhaps, you want you fuck everything that moves, I’m not like you,” said Draco.
“You’re saying I don’t have standards? You’re the one who goes out with troll-Parkinson.”
“She’s just easy that’s all. I’m not willing to put any effort for that stupid Ball.”
Pansy felt tears running down her face. She rushed towards her room and dropped onto her bed sobbing violently.
“I don’t know why you’re so down. You’re going with Malfoy, isn’t that what you wanted?” asked Milicent.
Pansy didn’t answer and kept trying to put on as much make-up as possible. In a few minutes she would meet Draco. Perhaps if she made a good impression, perhaps he would finally like her.
“You look like a clown with all that make-up,” said Milicent.
“Shut the fuck up! At least I’m not a fatty like you.”
“Fucking bitch, I thought we had agreed, no more insults.”
“I’m sorry, “ said Pansy quickly, “I’m just not in a very good mood.”
Milicent shrugged ,”no need to snap at me, I simply tried to give you some advice. So much make-up doesn’t look good.”
Pansy wanted to scream that she didn’t want advice from Milicent Bulstrode of all people but restrained herself. It would do no good to lose Milicent, the closest thing she had to a friend.
She met Draco Malfoy in the common room. He was more handsome than ever. He looked at her and was displeased.
“When I said to put on some make-up, I didn’t mean the whole bottle.”
She started shaking and tried not to burst into tears. Draco rolled his eyes.
“Never mind, lets go.”
She took his arm and allowed him to lead her to the Great Hall. They often stopped so that Draco would chat with some people they saw on their way. Blaise Zabini was with a 5th year Slytherin who looked very beautiful. Daphne Greengrass was with an older Ravenclaw. Pansy heard Daphne saying that Tracey and Theodore Nott were a couple but had decided to not go to the Ball because they were both very introverted and didn’t like those events.
“That Nott,” Draco whispered to her when they were both alone , “is from a good family but does some ridiculous things. I can’t believe he would touch a half-blood.”
“I know right,” said Pansy not wanting to disagree with him, “Davis is a filthy half-blood.”
Draco suddenly stopped and looked surprised. Pansy followed his gaze and gasped. Hermione Granger was accompanied by Viktor Krum and looked more beautiful than ever.
“She must have given him a love potion!” said Pansy quickly, “there’s no way that mudblood would have been invited by Krum.”
“Yea…” said Draco absent-mindedly, still staring at Granger, looking almost like he admired her. Pansy felt her heart sinking. So even a mudblood was better than her?
Draco was kissing her and Pansy felt butterflies in her stomach. He moved his hands to her breasts and Pansy felt uncomfortable but didn’t say anything.
“Take off your dress,” he said.
Pansy swallowed hard. She could say no. She didn’t feel quite ready yet.
However, Pansy was a weak character and she knew it. Her shaking hands started unbuttoning her pink dress. She let it fall to the floor. She wore no bra inside, only panties. She felt her nipples hardening because of the cold. Draco was studying her with an unreadable expression.
“Suck my dick,” he said finally.
“W-what?”
“What did you not understand?”
Pansy didn’t know what to do. Her whole body started shaking. Draco took her hands and spoke in an almost gentle tone.
“Come on,” he said, “I’ll show you what to do.”
Pansy nodded and allowed him to guide her. Draco was with her. Draco was paying attention to her. Draco wanted to do something intimate herself. She should have been happy. That was what Pansy wanted for years.
Yet, Pansy was crying alone when she went back to bed that night.
Fifth year:
Pansy didn’t know why she was made a prefect, but she had decided to take full advantage of it.
She had power now. She could use it to put people like Daphne Greengrass in their place. Sure, Greengrass had not said a word to her the last two years, but Pansy had not forgotten the girl’s bullying in the first and second year.
Pansy was excited to learn that the male prefect was none other than Draco. It would be a good opportunity for them to spend more time together. Pansy and Draco had met sometimes during the previous year, to snog, or to give him a blowjob, but they were not a real couple and Pansy wanted to be.
Her parents were a bit worried about sending her to Hogwarts that year. They didn’t believe the Dark Lord had returned and thought Dumbledore had lost his mind. However, Pansy would hear none of it. She had to return, especially now that she was in a position of power.
She entered the compartment where the prefects were supposed to meet. She was disgusted to see none other than Granger and Weasley there.
“You!” she shrieked. “They made a mudblood like you a prefect!”
“I am equally surprised to see you here myself,” said Granger coldly. “I thought, or at least I hoped, it would be Greengrass.”
Pansy felt furious. So that mudblood thought Greengrass was better than her.
“Mudbloods like you shouldn’t even go to school, let alone become prefects!” she shouted at Granger, “my parents are right, Dumbledore is insane.”
“If you don’t like Dumbledore, why don’t you do everyone a favor and leave?” said Weasley angrily.
“Look who’s here,” Draco Malfoy opened the door, “Weasley of all people! So Potter didn’t become a prefect, pretty surprising since he’s the headmaster’s pet. I guess nobody would take a prefect who’s insane seriously.”
“Shut your mouth, ferret boy!” shouted Ron.
Weasley, Malfoy and Parkinson kept throwing insults at each other until the Head Boy arrived and threatened to hex them all if they didn’t shut the hell up.
Pansy was leading the Slytherin first year girls to the dormitories, still feeling frustrated about what happened on the train. She had noticed that Draco didn’t miss the chance to terrify the little brats, telling them dark stories about Slytherin. She wondered if she should do the same.
Suddenly she noticed a little girl crying.
“What happened?” she asked impatiently ,”if you miss your family already…”
“I-I don’t want to be evil,” whimpered the girl.
“What?”
“Some kids on the train said that Slytherins are nasty and the boy prefect said Slytherins are dark!” The girl sobbed. Pansy didn’t know what to say.
“Slytherin doesn’t mean evil,” said a voice that belonged to Daphne Greengrass who stepped up and wrapped her arm around the crying girl. “Slytherins are more ambitious and ruthless than other people but this doesn’t make them evil or dark. It is unfortunate that our House has produced a lot of dark wizards, but this doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice. Did you know that the great wizard Merlin was a Slytherin?”
“Really?” said the girl wiping away her tears.
“Really,” smiled Daphne.
“The first years are my responsibility Greengrass,”said Pansy in a hostile tone.
“I didn’t know I needed permission to talk to the new additions to our House,” said Daphne sticking out her tongue.
“I am a prefect, you must respect my authority!”
“Oh, shut up Parkinson, you sound like an idiot,” Daphne shook her head. “People like you give Slytherin a bad name.”
Pansy groaned. She wanted to grab her wand and hex Greengrass to oblivion.
“Don’t even think about it,” said Greengrass like she had read her thoughts ,”you’ll ridicule yourself if you lose in front of the first years. I don’t know why they made you a prefect, but the last thing those kids need is to learn their prefect is a nasty loser.” She turned around and left leaving Pansy furious.
Pansy dragged Milicent to Umbridge’s office. “What did you say we’re going to do here?” asked the girl.
Pansy smirked, “we’re going to get more power.”
Inside the office were Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and some 7th years like Warrington and Montague.
Umbridge smiled.
“Dear children,” she said, “we’re going to introduce them the Inquisitorial Squad.”
Pansy followed Draco to the empty boys’ dormitory. He pinned her to his bed and they started kissing. He quickly had her remove all her clothes.
“Drink this,” he said giving her a small bottle with a potion.
“What is this?”
“So that you won’t get pregnant,” he said impatiently.
“You mean,” her eyes widened , “that we’re going to do it? That we’re going to…have sex?”
“Yes,” he said with an authoritative tone.
Pansy thought about saying no. Instead she simply took the bottle and emptied it. The taste was horrible.
About half an hour later she was crying inside her room. Her body hurt from their previous acts. She hadn’t enjoyed her first time at all.
Sixth year:
Pansy entered her father’s office. “Did you ask for me, father?” It was rare for her father to ever speak to her at all.
“Sit down Pansy.” She did so and he continued, “it came to my attention that you spend a lot of time with the Malfoy Heir at school.”
She didn’t deny it.
“You must stop seeing him,” he said.
“What?” Pansy was startled.
“The boy’s family is a bad lot. Getting involved with them will be bad for our reputation.”
“But you’ve been friends with Lucius Malfoy for years!”
“That was before I learned that he was stupid enough to become a Death Eater.”
“I don’t understand!” she shouted, “you and mother hate mudbloods!”
“This doesn’t mean we want to get involved with a bunch of terrorists. Use your brain for once, silly girl. Lucius Malfoy is in prison and his brat of a son will suffer the same faith. I don’t want you anywhere near him.”
Pansy ran out of the room crying. Her stupid father didn’t understand anything. What right did he have to tell her what to do when he barely ever paid any attention to her? No, she was not going to abandon Draco. Yes, he sometimes hurt her but perhaps she deserved to get hurt. She could make him love her, she was sure. Now that his father was in prison, she would be there for him and he would appreciate her for it.
“Draco, you can open up to me. I’ll help you,” said Pansy desperately. She had been watching her love these past months becoming more and more distant. He was losing weight, he always had black circles under his eyes, he looked ill. If only he talked to her, Pansy would help him. She would do anything for him.
“Pansy just shut the fuck up, you don’t understand anything,” he said coldly, “I don’t want your help, so stop wasting my time.”
“Draco, I swear I will keep your secrets, I will do everything for you,” she whimpered, “I love you! I’ve loved you for years with all my heart.”
Draco looked at her with a disgusted expression. “No Pansy, you don’t love me, you don’t even know the real me. You were always infatuated with me, because I was powerful. Power is the only thing you love and well I don’t have it anymore, so do me a favor and leave me alone.”
“No Draco, I really love you,” Pansy was now sobbing violently, “all this time we spent together, it meant so much to me.”
“Well, it meant nothing to me. You were always just an easy girl with no self-respect. If you were a little smarter than a stunned mountain troll, you would have figured it out by now.” He turned and left.
Pansy fell to the floor and started crying more than ever.
Seventh year:
“I know you are preparing to fight. Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts. I do not want to spill magical blood. Give me Harry Potter and they shall not be harmed. Give me Harry Potter and I shall leave the school untouched. Give me Harry Potter and you shall be rewarded. You have until midnight.”
The Dark Lord’s voice made Pansy shudder. Several younger students were crying and shaking next to her.
That year had been hell for Pansy. She was once again all alone. Draco didn’t talk to her anymore and even Milicent had become more distant, like she was during their first and second year.
Pansy had spent the last few months watching students getting tortured. She sometimes had to torture them herself, but could never do it quite successfully. She couldn’t bring herself to gather enough hatred for the cruciatus curse. It looked like Pansy was bad at being good and bad at being evil. Was Pansy good for anything at all?
She suddenly spotted Potter. He was the only thing the Dark Lord wanted, right? If they gave him to the Dark Lord he would leave them alone, he wouldn’t attack the school. Pansy didn’t want to die.
Why couldn’t the others see Potter? She raised her shaking hand and pointed at him.
“But, he’s there! Potter’s there! Someone grab him!”
Before Pansy realized it the students from all the other Houses had turned their wands against Slytherin, ready to attack in case any of the snakes made a move. The Slytherins looked stunned.
“Thank you, Miss Parkinson. You will leave the Hall first with Mr. Filch. If the rest of your House could follow.” said Minerva McGonagall.
“Idiot!” whispered Daphne Greengrass in Pansy’s ear.
Pansy couldn’t understand. What did she do wrong this time? Were these people crazy? Is the life of one person more valuable than the lives of hundreds? Pansy didn’t understand many things. She felt tears form in her eyes.
“Professor Slughorn? I wish to help, is there anything I can do?” asked Daphne.
“Eh?” said Horace Slughorn who looked very pale and was still wearing his pyjamas ,”oh, Miss Greengrass, you can follow me, we’ll go get reinforcements.”
“That would be good, Professor.”
Tracey went with Slughorn too and Theodore Nott hesitantly followed his girlfriend muttering something like “easy for them when they don’t have to fight their own families.”
Pansy followed the younger students outside of the castle. She noticed several younger Slytherins were crying, saying that they’re parents were on the other side of the battle.
Zabini and Milicent disapparated as soon as they stepped into Hogsmeade without looking back. Mafloy, Crabbe and Goyle were nowhere to be seen.
Pansy ran out of Hog’s Head and started breathing heavily. She wanted to get away from everyone and everything. She started walking away. It’s not like she could apparate, seeing how she had disastrously failed her apparition exams. She was truly useless.
She looked up at the sky. She wondered how much blood would be spilled that night. She wondered if she was wrong, if Potter indeed had a chance to win. She wondered how her future would be.
Pansy knew one thing for sure. She would always be alone, because she always has been.