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James has liked Lily for years and is tired of not feeling enough.
“Oi, Moony, what is going on between you and Marlene, huh?” Peter asked, jabbing his elbow to Remus.
They had just walked out of class and had to go right away to Potions. They all groaned having to cross the castle, as the classroom was on the other end. Well, all except for James. He had always loved physical work, even if it was walking. Since he was small, he practiced Quidditch with his father -though lately he’s been too old to play- and he took log walks with his mother around their garden. Lately, James even jogged around Hogwarts’ fields. He enjoyed the breeze on his face, working out until he had to push his body to the edge, making his limbs hurt. Remus pointed out it wasn’t as healthy as James thought it was. He didn’t care, he was proud when he finished and less stressed.
“Nothing, Pete. We’re just friends.” Remus said for the millionth time.
“So you said, but you are hanging out too much with her.” Pete has loved gossip for as long as James knew him. His friend didn’t know when to stop pushing, usually Peter didn’t notice limits until he fell through the precipice. It was a fault, it would sooner or later have big consequences.
“Are you replacing us, Moony?” Sirius said, and even if his tone was playful, James noticed the way his eyes shifted. He made a mental note to ask later.
And then it happened, Mary passed them by with her arm locked with the one and only Lily Evans.
“Hey, Lily.” James greeted as he always did when he saw her. It was manners. “Hey, Mary.”
Surprisingly, they stopped.
“Morning, James.” Mary said. Lily nodded his way. James’ stomach fell. Why didn’t she want to talk to him?
“How are you ladies doing today?” James grinned one of those smiles that made girls swoon.
“Very good, how are you?” Mary was kind to him. James wanted to believe she saw past his flaws and directly into his pure soul. In reality, a part of him thought maybe she only was being polite and didn’t actually like him.
“Prongs, we have to get going!” Peter called loudly as they had kept walking, leaving them three. James made a sign for them to get going.
“I’ll catch up.” Sirius sighed and someone murmured about James not getting a hint. The usual shame rose inside of him. The thing is, James knew Lily didn’t like him but he didn’t felt unwelcome by her, so he assumed there was a chance. James looked at her.
Lily had her loose except for some small braids, she had her usual golden hoops and that butterfly necklace. Her pale skin fully covered in brown and pink freckles and moles. James loved the contrast of her natural colour palette. Bright red hair, pink cheeks, green eyes. Merlin, her beautiful green eyes.
“I think I’m gonna go.” Mary said. Lily didn’t stop her. He assumed it was a good sign. They were both standing in a corridor that would soon be empty as classes would start.
“Cat bit your tongue?” James chuckled, trying to break the ice. Lily smiled, kindly, and James was sure he melted when her dimples appeared. He knew he would never deserve her, not in a million years.
“You are staring, Potter.” She said and James smiled as he did when he heard that lovely soothing voice.
“Can you blame me?” James liked her a lot, they both knew it, there was no point in hiding it. Lily rolled her eyes.
“Can I go now?” Lily lifted an eyebrow, though she didn’t sound hurried or impatient. James didn’t want to be a burden, he nodded slightly.
Lily turned around and gave a few steps when James gained enough courage to say. “Why don’t you like me?”
She stopped, turned and didn’t try to hide the surprise. “Who said I don’t like you?”
James huffed a breath. “Well, you.” James was scared for what he was about to ask, probably the most scared he’ ever been. Because James Fleamont Potter was arrogant, but he was also insecure and scared of rejection. “Is it worth it? To keep trying, I mean. I’ve flirted, I’ve given you space, I’ve changed. I did it for you. It was all for you. So, tell me, because if you say there is a minimal chance you like me, I will do anything. But if you are sure there’s none, confess now.” James was never good at not projecting his emotions, he must have looked distraught.
There were very few people now. Lily took a few steps in James’ direction.
“James, why do you like me?”
He huffed. “Why wouldn’t I? You are stunning every way there is to look at you. Physically, you are gorgeous. As for your personality, you are fascinating. The way you think, the way you act-”
“Why do you like yourself?” She interrupted and perhaps it was because her cheeks were tainted red. James thought she looked cute.
“Why do I-? Well, I-” He had never thought about himself, really.
“What is one thing you like about yourself?” She asked politely but the question made James feel vulnerable.
“I’m a good Quidditch player.” He tried. When Lily nodded, James guesses he had to continue. “And I…don’t know.” If he didn’t like himself what chance was there for Lily to do so.
“James,” She used her softest voice, he could tell. “You insist in changing for me. I think if you ever want to change, you should do it for yourself.”
The truth was James didn’t know who he was. That was alright, he thought, he had time to figure it out. Lily was right, perhaps he did have work to do. A self exploratory path. That’s his new mission.
“I like you, James.” Lily said as if it wasn’t the most precious thing he had ever heard. “But I can’t date someone who doesn’t take care of themselves. It’s too much pressure.”
James understood. “Will you wait for me?”
Lily smiled brightly. “All the time you need. You love everything so passionately. You have so much love in you. I’m sure you’ll find loving James Potter is rather easy.”
“You're going to be the living of me, Lily Evans.” Because she could not make him feel dead ever.
She looked around at the empty corridor, gave him one last smile and turned away.
“Later, Potter.” She said loudly.
“Potter?! I thought we were in first name basis!” James shouted back, but did not look. He smiled dreamingly. “Later, Lily.” He said under his breath.