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Sirius slowly opened the door to their dorm room, nervous about what he might be faced with after the events of last night.
In a heated moment, mixed with alcohol, anger, and passion, he had told Remus how he felt about him. He had cursed at him, shoved him against a wall, hit him. And then Remus kissed him.
Sirius touched his lips, feeling the remnants of Remus' lips. What they had felt like on his. But after that all happened, Remus ran away. And Sirius didn't return to the bedroom. How could he have? He was so embarrassed. He had basically forced himself onto Remus. What was Remus supposed to do? Of course, he had every right to be mad at Sirius, and it wasn't fair for Sirius to avoid him when Remus likely wanted to retaliate. And Remus was still his best friend, maybe. He couldn't just avoid him forever. At some point, he'd have to man up and face the consequences of his stupid actions.
Did Sirius love Remus? That was still to be determined. He didn't know what to do with the feelings he had inside. He didn't even know what they were half of the time. All he knew was that every time he was near Remus, he felt differently inside than if he was with, say, James. Anytime Remus bumped into him, anytime he accidentally brushed hands with him, Sirius' heart began pounding faster, he felt hot and tingly all over. But he didn't know what that meant. Sirius liked girls, he always had. They were beautiful, majestic, charming. But so was Remus, in a different sort of way. He was otherworldly, unbelievably perfect. And he felt a strong pull towards Remus, from somewhere other, telling him that he needed to be by his side at all times or he'd die.
Sirius wanted to kiss him again. But he knew he'd never be able to do that. And he could never tell Remus any of this. What would he think? Surely, he would hate him. Be disgusted by him. Kick him out of the room. Never speak to him again. And that was the last thing Sirius wanted.
But when he peeked through the crack at the door, searching for any damage to his belongings or his bed, all he saw was Remus. Sitting atop Sirius' bed, staring at the opposite wall. And music filled the room, and with it, Remus' voice.
It was one of Sirius' albums, and old one he had forgotten about and piled a bunch of others on top of. Remus must have gone through his things, surely to find something valuable enough to burn and hurt Sirius with. But instead he found this, and he was playing it, and singing along to the song.
I like the way your sparkling earrings lay
Against your skin so brown
And I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight
With a billion stars all around
"Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling...and I know you won't let me down...cause I'm already standing...on the ground."
And I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul
Oh, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
And I got a peaceful, easy feeling
And I know you won't let me down
Cause I'm already standing
On the ground
Sirius cleared his throat, and Remus whipped around. "The Eagles, right?" He eased his way into the room and shut the door behind him. "I had forgotten about them. I can't believe you found that record."
I get this feeling I may know you
As a lover and a friend
"Yeah," Remus replied, looking away. "I wasn't looking for anything in particular. Just stumbled upon this one."
"Well it's-it's a good one, for sure."
"Yeah."
Yes I'm already standing
On the ground
"So."
"Yes?"
Sirius walked up slowly to his bed as the next song began. "Are you...can we talk?"
Remus sighed, and then turned the music up. "What's there to talk about?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Come on. Don't be like that."
"Like what?"
Sirius dropped to his knees and pushed the record player out of the way, replacing it in Remus' line of sight. "I'm really sorry, Moony."
"For what?"
"For..." Sirius ran his hands through his hair desperately. "You know. Come on."
Remus stared at him, dark eyes slanted and hurt. Then he blinked away the expression, and shrugged. "It's whatever, Sirius."
"It is?"
He smiled tightly. "Yeah. I don't care if you don't. We both had way too much to drink. Things got out of hand. I get it. I won't tell your girlfriend, you don't have to worry. Smoke?" He moved to the window seat and pulled out his carton of fags.
Sirius shook his head and sat with him. "That's not at all what this is about, I don't care about her."
Remus chuckled. "She's going to have a hard time hearing that."
"No," he grabbed the lit stick from Remus and dragged it. He opened the window and breathed out the smoke. "I mean I'm not sorry because of her. I'm sorry I did anything to hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me, Sirius." Remus took a puff of his own.
Sirius stared at him. "I didn't?"
"Mm-mm."
And it's a lonely way to live
You got to take it
You gotta give
If you mistake it just try again
And I'm trying, yeah
"How?"
"Like I said, we were drunk. And anyway, I'm not like that."
"Like-like what?"
Remus blew out smoke. "Homosexual."
Sirius flinched at the word. "I never-"
"I know." He stamped out his fag on the windowsill and went back to Sirius' stack of records, and he began flipping through them as Eagles spun out. "I get why you'd think that, but I've had girlfriends. Back home."
Sirius jumped off the seat and stood next to him. "Really? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because it's none of your concern, is it?" He pulled out Diamond Dogs, one of Remus' favorites by Bowie, and switching the records out, tactfully skipped the first track, starting the album on the titular song.
This ain't rock and roll!
This is
Genocide!
"How is it none of my concern, I'm your best mate."
Remus laughed. "I'd prefer you not to tell me all your sex escapades, Pads, I don't know why you care about mine."
"Because-" but Sirius couldn't say that. How hearing about Remus' love life boiled his blood inside. How he hated the idea of Remus with anybody, for whatever reason. How he wanted to find said girlfriends and beat the shit out of them. "Because I care about you. Your happiness."
"I'm actually content being on my own, as much as that may surprise you."
"But you're sixteen, Moony. Have you even had a lay yet?"
Remus glared at him. "That's really none of your concern."
"Come off it, Remus, James and I talk about this stuff all the time."
"Maybe because you two have no concept of boundaries."
"Yeah, we do. This is just the kind of stuff you talk about with your friends."
"Is it?"
"Yes! Did Evans know about your girls?"
He looked away. "No. You don't have to tell everyone every little detail of your life."
"You certainly don't," Sirius mumbled.
Remus raised his eyebrows. "I can't. As a matter of fact, I wish you knew less about me. Whenever I trust you enough to tell you something, you always manage to throw it back in my face, and fuck up my life with it."
Sirius' eyes went wide. "What happened with-that's not-no, Remus, that wasn't what I was doing. Please, I thought we had...I thought we were okay. About that."
Remus settled. "I don't hate you anymore for it. But you can see why I wouldn't want to trust you with anything anymore."
Sirius opened and closed his mouth multiple times, and then nodded.
Beware of the Diamond Dogs
Beware of the Diamond Dogs
Beware of the Diamond Dogs
The record went quiet for a moment, the silence deafening, and Sirius gathered up the courage to speak again. "So, last night. You're not...gay," he whispered the word, "so can I tell James what happened?"
"Why would you do that?"
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know, because he probably would want to know what happened after we disappeared. We left fighting, so. He might wonder how that got resolved."
"Right." Remus looked up, something dark glinting in his eyes. "So this is a good story to you?"
"That's not what I-"
"It's fine, Sirius. You want a story?"
"No."
"Tell him. Go ahead."
"What?" Sirius sounded very small.
"Tell him I'm a queer. Tell him you shoved your friend against the wall and kissed him because you knew he'd like it, since he's a fucking homo."
"Remus, stop. I'd never-"
"Oh, so that's where you'll draw the line. You'll tell people I'm a werewolf, but have some morals about this."
Sirius swallowed and hardened his expression. "If this is how you're going to be, I don't even care anymore."
It's safe in the city to love in a doorway
Sirius stood up and headed for the door.
To wrangle some screams from the dawn
And isn't it me
Putting pain in a stranger
Like a portrait in flesh, who trails on a leash
Will you see
That I'm scared
And I'm lonely
He heard footsteps behind him and spun around as Remus backed him into the wall by the door. He reached his hand over and locked it, never letting his eyes drop Sirius'.
"Remus, what are you doing?"
His breathing was heavy, and he looked between Sirius' eyes, his neck, and his lips.
Where the knowing one says
Boys (boys)
Boys (boys)
It's a sweet thing
Boys
Boys
It's a sweet thing, sweet thing
"Just...this."
He pressed a kiss to Sirius' cheek, testing. He leaned back, watching for a change in Sirius. Sirius was terrified. His mouth hung open in shock. Remus' pupils were blown out, as if he was hungry. Like he was going to eat Sirius. It was intoxicating. Sirius felt the energy shift between them.
If you want it
Boys
Get it here, thing
Cause hope
Boys
Is a cheap thing, cheap thing
Remus kissed him again, and Sirius fell into it, pushing against him and wrapping his arms around his neck. He tried to ignore every thought that raced through his head, telling him this was wrong, this was disgusting, and befouled, and he was no longer pure. But he had to remember that he'd lost that purity long ago. Ever since running away. Ever since he acknowledged the fact that he felt different near this beautiful man. He allowed himself every pleasure that came with tasting Remus fucking Lupin, and he let himself go and gave in.
I'm in your way
And I'll steal every moment
If this trade is a curse
Then I'll bless you
And turn to the crossroads of Hamburg
Boys
Boys
It's a sweet thing
Boys
Boys
It's a sweet thing, sweet thing
If you want it
Boys
Get it here thing
Cause hope
Boys
Is a cheap thing, cheap thing
Remus moved the pair of them to the bed as the guitar sang sensuality into the air, and Sirius lost himself in the headspace of passion.