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The celebration shouts are loud even for the minimum volume, fans throwing themselves down the stadium after Barcha’s yet again victory. Another flawless 2-0 to their name not laid by the team but Bunny Iglesias himself.
Out of spite, or something far more bitter than Sae would admit, he shut down the TV. Throwing the control somewhere else he couldn't find for good minutes. Because right now seeing his face is the last thing he needs.
It's poison for him. Bunny Iglesias himself is the finest, strongest, of his kind. He should get over him by now— it wasn't even anything deep enough, just two stupid teenagers in love, what's there to be hooked up on? Even now Sae doesn't have the answer, every question at the back of his mind is fated to be left unanswered. He thinks it's not his fault, why should it? Sure he might be the one who initiated a break up but it's Iglesias who played with him, even after the break up. In his dreams, on the field, at the lockers, just everywhere. Like a mosquito you can't get rid of.
For those teal orbs, Bunny was under every rock Sae looked at. A painting could turn into a memory, the walk on his way home suddenly could smell like him, or his brain could play a memory far back, when they were just teenagers, just in love, young and innocent. And worse yet, he could pick up that book Iglesias lent him one time, that practice shoes he never picked up or the red gloves given as a birthday gift. More recent ones too, Sae doesn't understand how it happens but sometimes he can just find himself laying down on the bed, Iglesias next to him, smoking, that eerie smile on his face replaced with not-quite-frown, something more vulnerable than Iglesias could ever show to anybody else. No clothes, no words, no lingering glazes. Just the two of them on the same bed, coexisting, bathed in the afterglow of their exhaustion. He didn't like calling it love making, there wasn't any love put into it, just a hormonal need during certain nights. On certain weeks. In certain months… Or so it goes like that. Not like he would remember… He'd find a green lighter left in a hurry, maybe a planned move, to remind Sae that Bunny Iglesias is someone he cannot ignore all of his life. That if he turns away Bunny doesn't magically disappear.
Sae's legs move on his own, heavy, like he's carrying a hundred men on his back. If only his exhaustion was physical then maybe he could do some stretching and ease his bones, relax his muscles and help them turn back into perfect, but unfortunately it's mental. Un-fucking-fortunately. Something he can't ignore, run away from and hide in a hole. He needs to take care of it. Or tomorrow, at practice they'll bench him down and he'll have to watch. He doesn't like that one a bit, so he moves, slowly, not overworking himself. Making sure he doesn't just collapse onto the floor. He can't believe an ex gets him this weak, he's Itoshi Sae. The face of New Gen 11’s midfield. How good is he if he can't even get over his ex boyfriend?
The door cracks open before Sae thoughtlessly slams it back after himself, the noise bothers him but he can't bother up taking care of anything in this place. He'll just buy another house after this, someday he will. But that just never happens. He can't even let go of that damn key, with the seagull charm, another souvenir Iglesias got him somewhere during his matches, he never told him, and he never asked. How was he supposed to get rid of the whole house, built with memories on every corner? Where the ghost of Bunny was freely across these same walls he lives in? He can't help but pity himself for being so weak for that prick.
He throws himself to bed, not bothering to take off his sweater, it's comfortable after all. It doesn't itch like that cloth he despises so much. For a moment, he lets his face get buried into the pillow, subconsciously nuzzling against the familiar scent he could pick up. The shirt is worn out already, and yet it still smells the same as the first day. He doesn't want to say it out loud — not even think of it, because if he does then he'll end up in a rabbit hole — but he misses the real deal. Sure, one of his extra pillows with Bunny's shirts he forgot at Sae's place is the safe option. But when did Sae ever play safe when it was about Bunny Iglesias? When he was with him, every calculator, every sane option seemed unimportant. He didn't want the best when he was with Bunny, it was already perfect when he's with him, so it doesn't matter if they skip practice or eat french fries despite how much he dislikes risking his health. He'd do anything for Bunny if he asked, and he hates that nothing had changed since years.
He groans loudly before turning around, his scapulas against the mattress, he can feel them spread on the surface. Eyes a little dazy, looking at the ceiling. His thoughts are all over the place, all of them being Bunny. He pressed the outside of his hand on his forehead like it could help him in any way, it's a habit, his hand moves before he can feel and ends up in the same position as always. Bunny used to tease him, a lot of time actually. But this one in particular was his favorite, maybe because he was oddly sweet, or maybe because of the way he would treat Sae.
He would scroll closer, his head propped by his elbow while he lay besides Sae, sideways — Bunny's habit must be that, Sae never had caught him in any other position, maybe he was cursed to sit like that, every time a little to left — staring down at Sae with that same empty eyes. It soothed and scared him at the same time, but Sae would always catch himself drowning in them anyway. Their eerie beauty was what Sae ached for. And then, like it couldn't be easier he would shadow over Sae, smirking, calling him all pet names he hated — he didn't, Bunny knew he didn't. He also knew which one would get his ears red and which would have Sae squirming under his hands — and just stare. Sometimes brush away Sae's microbangs, not like it hides anything, but Bunny used to say he loved his skin. Not sure what that means. He didn't need a meaning, it was enough if Bunny loved him, just the same as he did.
And suddenly, as if Bunny heard his prayers, he could feel a warmth hand on him, ruffling his red locks even though he told him a hundred times not to ruin them. They may be short and straight but Sae doesn't appreciate having bad looks, even in the bed. He only groans, not bothering to push the hand that's wandering over his head, looking at an untouched spot.
“You’re sleepy today.”
Bunny teased, his voice hot against his ear— god, being next to him like this is dangerous, Sae thinks. Being able to smell his sweat after the match, feeling his freshly washed hands — because he knows how much Sae hates the sticky feeling of sweat — against his head. And then his neck, and then his back… For a second, Sae freezes, not because he's uncomfortable, but because he wasn't waiting for it. It was soon before he relaxed under him, looking over his shoulder with interest, burying his head deeper into his arms.
“Rough day...”
He never was one to use big words, or long sentences, a man of few words truly described Sae. He could fill his whole day in a four word sentence and it would be accurate. At least he thinks it does.
“Uh huh… Your shoulders are all stiff.”
He comments, his hands trailing down to the start of Sae's neck, where it connects with his shoulders. His palms rubbing the muscles Sae's been whining all day. He hums along quietly, showing his gratitude for Bunny's gesture. Working like a pro, he makes his way down, with a new found desire now: exploring Sae's body. He traces the outsides of his figure, causing shivers down Sae's spine. But he doesn't dare to mutter a word, he won't let Bunny have the win. It's like a cat and mouse game, Bunny would provoke Sae nonstop and Sae would try his hardest to remain unaffected. He hardly ever survived until the night, leaving Bunny a win. It's not his fault, Bunny just happens to know where to push to get a reaction from Sae.
“You have big scapulas… You know?”
Bunny breaks the silence, his thumb now tracing over the bone that's sticking out. He teased it, rubbing it back and forth, causing Sae to grab the pillow a little tighter and bury his face deeper into white. He never knew he was really sensitive there… But Bunny didn't stop, and continued to repeat the movement over and over like a machine. Once Sae's curiosity wins, he turns around, catching that look on Bunny.
He'd never seen him that fascinated before. Like a scientist who just discovered a new species. Joy written all over his eyes, shining in a way Sae never witnessed. And he's mesmerizing too. Being able to see Bunny in such a way, served only for him. Only for him. It almost makes him feel cocky.
“What are you doing?..”
He whispers, too scared to break the moment, so his voice ends up quieter than he wanted. Even like that Bunny seems to not falter from his new found admiration.
“They say… Scapulas are what's left from our wings…”
Completely unrelated… But he doesn't mind, Sae would be okay with anything as he's with Bunny, which is very much the scenario. So he doesn't even question it. Just nodding lightly. And he wouldn't be lying if he said he's interested— he's never been into anything other than football, and that sounds really interesting.
“At least that's what I read…”
He adds, his lips rolling into a small smile, almost shy, and cute if Sae didn't know any better. That's really cute, actually, he couldn't lie to himself. If he could, he wanted to live like this forever, with this same routine: football, practice, home and Bunny and repeat. There was everything he would need in his life, everything he dared to give a damn about — there is also Rin, he cares for Rin of course, but that familiar connection isn't something he chases on in life lately. Maybe in the future he would change his mind, he knows this is just a phase. He'll miss him eventually. He does already, so there is no need to worry. His little brother will catch up to him and then they can all live together even — so it sounds like a perfect deal. He wants to feel Bunny against his skin like this, feel his hands around him, he wants to learn. Learn how to live, how to do anything outside soccer. Bunny seems to know a lot, growing up in the streets must have taught him a lot, Sae could guess, he'd always seem to know a thing or two even when it's completely unrelated. Like that one time at the museum — his team was forced to visit for some stupid agreement — where he was telling him stupid facts about dinosaurs. For some reason… He loves listening to him though, requiring less talking and more comfort. Not like Bunny was a big talker himself, their chat would last a few minutes at max. Not anything big. But it's comfortable and that's all Sae cares about.
But he's forced out of his comfort when he feels his alarm ring loudly under his pillow. Forcing him awake.
“Fuck.”
He groans, sitting up in his place before digging his hand down for his phone, closing the alarm and shoving it down back where he grabbed it.
Another dream. Another damn dream where he recalled memories of Iglesias. And the worst part is his back aches worse than before.
But it doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
He just needs to continue on.