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The image of Snowden’s dying body was still burned into Yossarian’s eyelids when he awoke from his slumber to see an equally beautiful and unfamiliar face. Yossarian, being the man he was, took one look at the chaplain and fell in love. His features were delicate yet undoubtedly masculine and although Yossarian had form for falling in love easily, it had never been a man before.
Then again, he reasoned to himself, he was in love with the chaplain because of the softness of his physique and the gentleness of his persona. So even though the chaplain was a man, it was really the same as loving a woman, because the chaplain was more akin to a beautiful lady than a man.
Yossarian had never been attracted to the other men on Pianosa. McWatt was too masculine, Nately was too young, Colonel Korn was too evil and Orr was, well… Orr. Yosarrian supposed he was in love with Orr because they shared a tent with each other and Orr must be in love with Yossarian because he was always telling him how he would look after him if they crashed into the Adriatic together.
Yossarian wondered if he was in love with Snowden because he kept on dreaming about him and saw his lifeless corpse almost every time he closed his eyes. Yossarian was sad about the fact that he couldn't save Snowden, so he must be in love with him too.
The key difference was that even though Yossarian was in love with Orr and Snowden, he didn't particularly want to know what they felt like under his fingertips, or how they smelled after a night in Yossarian’s arms. He could not say the same about the chaplain.
Yossarian became only more enamoured when the chaplain opened his mouth to speak to Yossarian. He did not pay attention to a word that he was saying, but rather focused on the undulating tone of his voice and how his eyes flicked from left to right as he spoke to Yossarian. Yossarian had not fallen in love with the chaplain for his command over the English language, and in retrospect it was a good job, because the chaplain’s beautiful voice disguised some exceedingly mundane words of comfort.
Yossarian ended his reverie with an exclamation.
-You’re the chaplain… I never knew a chaplain could look like that…-
Clearly this caught the chaplain off guard, as he swiftly metamorphosed from some modern Adonis to a startled deer. He cleared his throat and finished his monologue.
-If there's anything you need, anything at all, just ask me…-
Yossarian very quickly thought of things that he wanted very much from the chaplain but could not have, so he begged him to try and convince Colonel Cathcart to stop raising the number of missions, then, once the chaplain was scared off, he fell back to sleep.
-Orr, are you in love with me? I think I might be in love with you.- Yossarian asked Orr shortly after he had been discharged from the hospital.
Orr's face turned almost as red as Milo's tomatoes which the Chaplain had stolen. He soon gave a characteristic response.
-Tee-hee! Did I ever tell you about when I was in Rome, and the two women…-
-Orr, please answer my question.- Yossarian said, exasperated.
-Of course I'm in love with you Yo-Yo! I want you to fly missions with me. I'll look after you really well, because I love you. Why won't you fly with me?- Orr questioned, a hopeful glint (or perhaps one of insanity) in his eye.
-Orr, will you kiss me? I need to test something.- Yossarian asked, wishing to figure out whether he really was in love with Orr as well as the chaplain.
Orr shuffled eagerly to Yossarian’s cot and his lips tasted of salt water and chocolate. Yossarian enjoyed it a lot and so decided to kiss Orr more. They ended up kissing until dawn broke, and then Yossarian remembered that he was in love with the chaplain as well and not just Orr, so then stopped kissing Orr to find him.
Orr tinkered with the stove in his tent happier than ever, because he had just kissed Yo-Yo, and surely they would fly together soon and escape from this war. Yossarian walked around the island like a man possessed until he found the chaplain being bombarded with talk about the syndicate from Milo.
-Yes, you see, everyone benefits from the syndicate. I'm just heading to Malta to buy some eggs…-
Yossarian could tell that the chaplain was powerless against this Goliath of an entrepreneur and so decided to kiss Milo to get him to be quiet, and also to see if he was in love with him. It was not as nice as kissing Orr and even though Milo didn't seem to mind it, to Yossarian he tasted like wet dirt and cotton, so he stopped after a few seconds. The chaplain stood in front of them utterly bewildered and then Yossarian took his hand and skipped away with him.
-Chaplain, I'm in love with you. When you asked if I wanted anything, I wanted you to kiss me-
-Yossarian, are you insane? I have a wife and children-
Yossarian found the chaplain’s logic laughable, and so continued to argue his case.
-Are you even in love with her? I know you're in love with me, and I'm in love with you. Why won't you kiss me if you're in love with me?-
-Yossarian…- the chaplain started, but was soon lost for words. Despite his better judgement, he allowed himself to be dragged behind a tree by Yossarian and kissed silly. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced, the light stubble scratching delightfully against his skin and Yossarian’s strong arms bracing him against the tree trunk. It was a heavenly experience and with each second that passed in Yossarian’s grip the chaplain felt further from God.
After they finally broke apart, Yossarian continued to speak.
-Why won't you marry me, chaplain? I know we're in love. I tried to kiss Orr and it was nice and kissing Milo was disgusting, but kissing you felt really good. You're perfect.-
The chaplain felt winded for what was not the first time that day, and protested incoherently. Yossarian was unconvinced and so decided to return back to his tent to kiss Or some more and ask him for some advice on how to marry the chaplain. Maybe Orr was crazy enough to officiate their wedding.