Archive of Our Own

It was a cool autumn night roughly two years ago that he had met his future, and his demise. It was a sun-kissed, dusk-blessed deity that swooped into his very soul, took up residence in his heart by carving it open, and left only mist and memories behind.

It was a cold, cold day when he was put to the flames, into the abyss.

Eris could still remember walking into that alley, though he could only grasp at the reason why. The sole thing he could come up with were the shadows, which had seemed to pool at the end, forming the figure of a man- though he had been much too far away to see him. Too far to even know that it was, in fact, a he.

He thought the shadows had called him, the night breeze whispered a name long-lost to his lips, but not yet spoken by his personage. The current whisked him closer to the body.

The male lifted his heavy eyelashes, and spoke in a deep rasp that would haunt him forever. 

“Are you back to kill me now?” So hoarse, gravelly, and so, so tired. The shadows caressed his form, enraged by the flickering streetlight which only now decided to make itself useful. A small beacon fought off the blackness.

It was then, with the slight visibility provided to him, that Eris realized- he was covered in bruises. But there were also slashes still visible on his entire body and the stench of blood permeating his nose, which told him that the person he was looking at probably needed immediate help.

However, he had to think before he acted rashly. Who was this man to think Eris was here to kill him? And why was he smattered with injuries? Someone had obviously roughed him up, that was true, but why would they come back to kill him, had he committed some felony-

A monotonous voice jolted him out of his reverie. “Just hurry up with it already. This game of yours is too tiring to keep up with, Prince of Autumn.”

Understanding broke upon Eris, like the dawn that shone so sweetly on the following day.

”I am not the monster that you see me to be right now. I am Eris Vanserra, M.D. I’d be grateful if you refrained from flagrantly throwing accusations at me. I most certainly do not associate in any way with… his kind. In fact, I’m sure I share your sentiment in despising the whole lot of them.” 

Eris would be shocked at the implication if he didn’t get harassed by strangers once a day with the same stuff, just because he looked like he was from their family. Yes, he certainly had some of the same physical features, and he was fond of dressing like those royals who squandered their money away recklessly- but they were fools and prodigals, the whole lot of them. He knew that the bonds he had forged through long years of work and sheer grit were stronger than the limp knots of blood holding him to them.

He was nothing like those scoundrels, nothing . 

He never would be.

“You look like fresh meat, butchered, tied up and lying there. Prythian is easy to get on the wrong side of; I sincerely doubt you deserve…. whatever this is.” Eris motioned to his sprawling form. “Perhaps I could help you relocate to the hospital?”

The mysterious man paused at this, considering, then chuckled. 

“Eris. Eris Vanserra, in the flesh.” He tasted the sounds. “I’ve heard a bit about you here and there. The rumors are… delicious.” He sagged a bit further down the brick wall. 

“I'm Azriel.” He coughed raggedly, the hand from his mouth withdrawing with a metallic substance on it. The shadows flickered as the solitary lamppost wavered indecisively, and Eris cast another sharp, assessing look at his condition. “Damm, they got me in the lungs too.”

Eris stepped forward. “Allow me to move you to-” but he was hurriedly cut off.

“No. You should go, now. I don't know when they'll be back for me, and one of them will most certainly come to check on me. Probably want to keep my dead body as a prize.”

He spoke with such lightness about the topic while covered in his own blood that Eris now had no choice but to respect him. Fuck.

He had already had a plan forming, now all that was left was to try it. God, this was completely stupid, but… you only live once, right?

“I refuse your refusal. You will permit me to assist you to someplace where you are not in immediate danger, preferably nearby so I don't have to carry you long.” As he said this, he stepped to Azriel's side and kneeled down, sitting on his haunches.

“Carry me? Eris, what the fuck are you-” but he was already in motion. 

Eris slipped one of his arms under Azriel's knees and the other under his torso, trying to support his head without avoiding any wounds. Then he rapidly rose to his full height, the body in his arms like a puppet with cut strings. Its weight was nothing to scoff at, but then again, neither was Eris' six-pack. He didn't work out everyday since becoming eight for nothing, damnit.

“ERIS! Put me down now or I swear I'll-” Azriel was yet again cut off as he retched up more blood, convulsing in the firm hold Eris had instilled on him. 

He observed that Azriel was almost like a puppy, twisting and writhing about. He smiled, feeling oddly detached from the strange predicament he was in.

“So, do you have any preference pertaining to the location I should bring you?” He tightened his grip on Azriel, restricting his movement. 

This finally quieted the shpiel of barbed retorts and commands spewing from him incessantly, letting Eris take a breath of the newfound peace.

Azriel had realized he did not currently possess enough strength to escape, and the he seemed annoyingly unmoved by his requests to put me the fuck down now, or I swear I'll bash your face in . Perhaps he was too thick-headed to understand the concept of his flawless features turning black and blue. He'd have to teach him a lesson later.

So in the end, he rationalized, why not let the Vanserra brat help? He obviously wasn’t going to be stopped by the threat of Prythian - but that had been clear to him ever since Eris gave away his identity.

Maybe he wasn’t going to die today. But if he was, it most certainly was not going to be in a hospital.

Mother. He mentally shuddered. All those eyes. Why do they always watch? How much can they see?

“…You said you were a doctor?”

A quiet hum was all the acknowledgement he received.

”Could… could you fix me, instead?”

A beat of silence. 

“If that is your wish.”

And Eris took him to his apartment. Both were close-lipped the entire way, questioning life choices, the only exception to the silence the heavy breathing from Azriel. He was in pain, yes, but he had endured this and worse many times before. 

Many, many times before.

And his introvert ass was not about to start small talk with the man carrying his stabbed, bleeding body to his home to help him.

By the time Azriel realized he had already arrived at Eris’ lodgings, they had already gone past the threshold.

And by the time he realized his eyes were closed and he was too comfortable to move, he didn’t want to do anything about it. He wasn’t sure he could. So Azriel lay there, half-asleep, as Eris hustled and bustled around; gathering tools.

Even though he was accepting Eris's help when he couldn't do anything if he needed to get away, was absolutely sure Rhys was looking for him, and was in the home of a fucking Vanserra , he fell asleep. 

The shadows twirled happily when he finally relaxed.

Eris would never admit it, but he could've enacted a ballet from the sheer joy he received from not having to go to the hospital 

Being a patient, having to pay his hard-earned cash to people who dealt with hundreds of others like him- it had never sat right with him. Even though he knew they were getting what they wanted: his money, he couldn’t trust that they knew what was wrong with him, how to treat him. 

He simply couldn’t trust that his father hadn’t sent someone to give him his special ‘medication’.

He couldn't trust anyone, for that matter.

So, when this exact train of thought occurred to him after he escaped, he started learning how to do it himself.

How to stitch wounds, how to take care of himself when he was sick, how to make old scars heal until they were almost invisible.

They never completely disappeared.

It was only in the most extreme cases that he was forced to a hospital- if he could’ve moved, he would’ve dealt with it himself.

Being at his flat instead of the sterile workplace, being able to control the treatment of the man he’d obviously risked his life for (and was probably still doing by providing protection to him), the simple fact that he could control everything in this situation- it was, in short, exactly what he needed.

As he worked, he settled into a rhythm. It was almost soothing.

… But why was he helping Azriel?

He couldn't put his finger on it.

Had it been to piss off his father? If he was being honest with himself, that was probably part of it. He loved giving those bastard elites; the ‘fae’, more trouble than they could deal with. 

It always pleased him to know they were all worrying their little brains to figure out how to cover up the new truth he had managed to expose.

But it might also have been that strange pull, almost like a hollowness in his chest that echoed and reverberated in sync with the one across from it, drawing him towards the figure and his aid.

And the shadows. He wouldn't forget how they had called for him- couldn't forget them, as they circled on him, almost seeming to touch him.

He grabbed the disinfectant.

Eris Vanserra often wondered if he was going crazy. Tonight, it seemed, would be another of those times.

After an uncertain amount of time, in which Eris contemplated the meaning of existence and his ultimate role in the universe, the hulk of flesh and bones moved a little as it took a deep, heaving breath, and muttered something that sounded a little like “prick.”

“What did you say?”

“I called you a prick, because that's what you are. Help me sit up. My brother will be here to pick me up soon-”

“But how will your brother dearest know where you are? I think I am correct in assuming you had not used your phone to alert anyone of your situation. Also, don't move so much. You'll tear the wounds open again, and I am not stitching any more wounds until I have at least five hours of sleep.”

Azriel stilled again.

“What do you suggest I do, then?”

“Well, if I were you, I'd need rest. If you'd be so inclined, I'd like to try to move you to a bed so you can sleep comfortably.” Eris, while not having asked a question, waited for a reply. All he got was a soft

“Fine.”

So, he moved Azriel to his bed, laying him down as gently as possible.

He was already asleep again, having never fully woken up in the first place.

Eris took residence in his supremely comfortable chintz armchair, after setting a glass of water on the bedside, and almost instantaneously launched into a deep sleep.

When he awakened, Azriel’s bed was deserted, sheets folded and not a hair out of place.

The reason he knew he hadn't imagined it all was the empty cup of water next to the headboard- and the sunbeams falling on the piece of paper on the pillow.

He had grinned, and proceeded to enter the new contact into his phone.

Dawn was more beautiful that day than ever before.

Eris shivered. It was a cold day. He opened his phone for no reason to only put it away again hastily after once again seeing the contact name “Shadow man”.

That nickname was nothing but a stowaway from the past now. His profile picture. 

He lifted his eyes to, once more, gaze upon what would now forever be his sequestered beloved.

The shadows lay dormant.

The alstroemerias and grape hyacinths decorating the arch created the epitomized juxtaposition. It was the superlative representation of them, their relationship.

Beams of sunlight slipped onto the grass, illuminating the scene in an iridescent luster. Evening was slowly coming, taking their vision with it. 

Still, Eris had always liked the dark.

Still, Azriel had always liked the way his love lit up the darkness.

Both Azriel and Eris began their walk on the lane of purple petals scattered down the aisle, arm in arm, surrounded by the few people they had chosen to invite. 

Lucien and Elain, Jurian and Vassa, Nesta and Cassian, Tamlin and Cornifer, Gwyn and Emerie. All sat in accommodating blankets of various sizes- or directly on the field.

Invitations had been delivered personally to each guest, though Eris’s older brother had been particularly hard to track down.

Cornifer was always on the move, partly for his job, partly to make sure he wouldn’t be taken back to Prythian . Eris had freed him, and it had nearly cost both of their lives. 

They had stuck together in the beginning out of necessity, but later genuinely bonded over common interests. He was the only brother he kept in contact with, the only one worth his time. 

He had been the only person Eris knew lived in the city when he finally managed to leave his father’s empire, so he called on him for help. After that, though both considered their debts paid, they kept in touch. 

Before Az had come along, Fernie had been the only person Eris would’ve called a friend- except perhaps Lucien. (No, he was not going to dwell on how pathetic that sounded.)

But now he had gained so many acquaintances. Each had earned his trust in different ways, and had proven that they gave theirs in return.

The grooms took a step down the aisle in tandem, fingers interlocking.

Tamlin was a new addition to their group, one that Eris was quite happy with. He had known his father hadn’t liked him, which meant he had instantly gotten into Eris’ good books. Also, he would’ve been blind not to notice the looks they gave each other whenever the Lords were called together. They were finally accepting that they had actual feelings for each other, and in short, Eris was ecstatic for the both of them.

Another step.

Nesta had been an absolute delight to get to know- she and her group of feminist warriors. Their personal libraries were chock-full of the most disgustingly filthy smut he had ever read, and joining them every other week to chat about their latest reads was a luxury he didn’t know how he lived without. It was wonderful to have finally found a group of people who, as they would say, ‘matched his freak’.

It also helped that both Gwyn and Nesta worked at a library, and they basically gave him their spare key. Having unrestricted access to heaps of books at all times was both excellent and terrible for his job. The owner and head librarian, Clotho, was always gracious when he showed up at all hours to get a book he had just heard about, even though he was sure he’d set off many motion sensor alarms. 

At one point, he’d just stopped avoiding them, because he liked seeing her small grin when he returned the book he’d never officially checked out.

Three more, the wind tousling Azriel’s hair into his usual look. Eris thought it was perfect. Azriel was perfect.

Cassian was a given; he was Nesta’s love and Az’s (kinda sorta?) brother. A genial, bawdry man, he was… fine to be around. Perhaps it was the thought that if he hadn’t met Azriel, he would’ve definitely found a way to fuck around with Cassian. The man was hot, alright? 

It most certainly had not helped that Azriel had told him about the few times he had been with Cass. In intricate detail.

Anyways, there was also Elain and Lucien! Elain was an absolute joy, feeling free to tell him all about the flowers she was getting ready to plant in her garden when she finally finished building it. She was the one who had provided most of the arrangements for today. 

In fact, she had squealed when he had asked her if she wanted to help him plan the entire affair. It was only through her master strategizing that they had managed to make something so breathtaking with their extremely limited budget. Tax season sucked for spring weddings.

The breeze hit Eris now, gentle, as they walked two more steps.

And Lucien… Eris was happy to have him back in his life. The news that another of the Vanserras had left the fold had, perhaps, made him a tad panicked. That was until he learned that it was Lu, his Lu, leaving with Tamlin. 

When Az had first brought him to ‘meet’ Elain’s husband, both himself and Lucien froze. They hadn’t seen each other for roughly a decade.

Reconciliation was not easy. Not when Jesminda, Lucien’s foolish childhood crush, had gotten killed in front of him.

He hadn’t noticed that Eris wasn’t there. He couldn’t have known that it was because Eris was trapped in the punishment chamber, slowly bleeding out while listening to his little brother scream.

That was the first time he defied Beron’s orders. Somehow, he got out and took Lu to the only person his childish brain could think of at the time; the man who favored his older brother, who his father despised in secret.

Even though he was another Lord, Eris trusted that Tamlin would take his brother in. 

But Lucien didn’t know that.

Lu, confused, small Lu, thought Eris was throwing him away. Thought he was going to die in a foreign place, just after his soulmate got killed in front of him.

Later, when Tamlin explained the whole truth, it was easier to deny it all. To pretend it hadn’t happened to the point that it literally hadn’t, for him.

And for Eris, well, Lucien had been able to live a good life. No more lashings, no more nights spent rotting away on cold stone with no food or drink. While Lu slept in a comfortable bed, far away from Beron, Eris got beat half to death for helping him escape.

But in front of each other, it was hard to deny how much they had missed each other. Eris missed the little brother he had given most of his childhood to protect, and Lucien missed his caring older brother.

Any last ties to Autumn completely dissipated from Eris’ mind that night, when Lucien told him his mother was rescued by Helion.

”Good riddance,” Eris had told him, “it took him long enough.”

They didn’t speak about her again. Both knew she would finally be able to thrive in her element, with her beloved. Away from the man who had sequestered her, kept her in starched dresses and frills when she needed loose pants and horseback riding, who vaunted her while he made her bear his children to keep her there.

She would finally be able to have everything she had ever wished for.

Two more strides, and the shadows danced around them, twirling and twisting joyfully around their feet. 

Jurian and Vassa’s invites had been a request from Lucien, and both grooms had quickly acquiesced to his ask. When they’d met the couple for the first time to deliver the invitations, they’d gotten along better than expected. Much better than they could’ve ever imagined, actually.

By the end of the night, everyone was drunk, Azriel was snoring on their dining table with three squiggly mustaches drawn on various places around his body, and Eris had made out multiple times with everyone there.

All they could remember the next day through their pounding hangovers was that at some point, Azriel and Eris had started making out on the couch,- and Jurian came over to ‘investigate’. That ended with Jurian’s hands entangled in Eris’s hair where Azriel’s had just been, his mouth suckling at the freckled skin on his neck. His tongue still tingled from the time Jurian had accidentally bit down on it, too drunk to know what he was doing. Eris had been too drunk not to like it. 

Meanwhile, Azriel was attempting to undress both himself and Jurian while humping him like a wild animal, foam at the edges of his mouth. He was achieving neither task successfully, though Jurian’s shirt was almost off- an impressive feat, considering 

When Vassa wandered out of the kitchen, the most inebriated of them all… it all snowballed. They hadn’t even noticed her until she stumbled over the rug and fell into Jurian’s lap. Everyone was still, until Vassa giggled and rushed up to kiss her boyfriend, then turned to lick a stripe up Azriel’s now-bare chest.

In return, he grabbed her small, flushed face, and practically smashed it into his.

None of them could remember how many times they’d fucked that night.

While they had cleaned the house the next day, they bonded. While they deep-cleaned the couch, (though even that might not save it, there was come in places where it shouldn’t be physically possible to be,) Vassa noticed Eris gazing into the black heart of one of her candles, which sparked a rigorous conversation about their penchant for flames. 

Azriel and Jurian had each learned that the other spent long years pining after a woman who would never have returned their affections. Their unrequited love was useful for something at last.

Vassa and Azriel both loved to fawn over their “pillow princess boyfriends”, and the other two delighted in finding someone else who could match their verbal sparring.

After that, they sat down and talked, all four of them. Neither of them really regretted it, but they decided that it would stay a one-time thing. The couples were already happy in their pairs, and it would stay that way. 

Still, they were excellent friends after that drunken night.

The last two strides, and they were there. Azriel caught Gwyn’s eye as she waited for them at the altar, and the sun hit the horizon.

Both stepped up onto the small platform, going to either side of their priestess. Now they kept both hands clasped securely in the other's. They were smiling softly.

She cleared her throat. The twittering of birds and buzzing of bees, a song for spring, seemed to quiet as she stepped in front of the engaged couple. All quiet murmuring from the invitees instantly surrendered to the magnetic force, and they turned to bestow their gaze upon her.

“Welcome, loved ones. We are gathered here today to join Azriel Singer and Eris Vanserra in holy matrimony.” Eris’s heart twisted slightly. Something was missing, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. If he had to describe it, he'd say something was… half off. But it was nothing- he’d probably just forgotten to lock his car again.

“They shall be made one under the eyes of the Lord, the Mother, and everyone who has graced us with their presence for this sacred union of souls.” Her words were steady and loud, comfortable and clear in the evening lull. 

Azriel turned his head from Gwyn, contemplating Eris with those wide, amorous eyes, and took a breath.

“Eris, before you came into my life, I was wasting away in the darkness. I had slipped so far that I was content- if I could’ve felt anything, it might’ve been called joyous- at wasting away, both in that alley and in my life. I thought that… that I deserved it. No one seemed to have noticed that I was slipping away, and it became so, so easy to shove them even further from myself.”

Cassian looked away, picking at his beard, but Azriel didn’t stop.

”It took a long while for me to realize that. I only did because you showed me, all but a random person to you at that time, mercy. Without so much as a question, you picked me up off the street and stitched my wounds, helped me heal. I thank the Mother for bringing you to me on that day. Your light helped me realize that some of the people around me were not worth knowing. You showed me constant kindness and grace, took me exactly as I was, and slowly helped me understand that my standards for people were completely fucked.”

Emerie giggled softly from her blanket, and Eris’s smile widened slightly while a lone tear tracked its way down his visage.

“Whenever I disappeared, you noticed. You asked where I was; brought me back from the brink. And I think that’s why I fell in love with you. You were, and are, always there when I need you. Even when we were both being stupid and denying that we were in love,” Azriel grinned like a Cheshire cat, “you sat me down and made me tell you what was bothering me. You were the first to tell me that your heart would always be mine. Your light, your fire, it drew me in. Loving you was a choice, but it was also a road that you taught me to walk on, and I will forever be grateful that you chose to love me back.

“Whatever perfunctory promises people memorise for each other could never encompass what I would do for you. The only way I can say it is: I will always choose you, and always love you. You are my wings, Eris Vanserra.”

It had taken Azriel a long, long time to write that. He’d started almost the night that he and Eris faced the fact that they were in love, real love, one that would never stop giving and overflowing into their loves. It wasn’t unrequited, wasn’t yet another way to manipulate him. It was Eris.

He noticed that he was crying.

Some of the guests were blabbering words he couldn’t hear, because it seemed as though a wall of shadow had encapsulated just the two of them. Their own little bubble, and he only had eyes for his inamorato.

Eris’s beautiful mascara was marring his face, flowing freely on his skin and dripping down onto his suit. He began to speak.

“I used to fear the darkness. The only thing it ever showed me was pain through lashings, it made me dread the unknown. Ipso facto, I despised the light; it was so caring to others when it only brought out my scars.

“Trust seemed harebrained to me for so many years. When everyone I had ever known was abusing me or neglecting me, leaving me or trying to kill me, I thought everyone on Earth would be the same. So when I got away, damaged and cracking, I faced the world by myself. I didn’t let anyone try to get near, and soon, people stopped trying.”

The shadows were weaving through Eris’ long hair in the evening light, giving him a halo.

“You understood when I needed space, but you didn’t leave. You pushed my boundaries just enough to get me comfortable with new things, with trying, with you. When I couldn’t deal with my problems, when I pushed them onto you, you told me that you’d help; even more, you proved it. In fact-” he giggled before he said the next words, “I remember when you asked me how I was doing five times in an hour, and I got so annoyed with you that I called you an ‘overprotective bat’.”

The crowd tittered silently.

“I’d never had anyone that cared before.

“You taught me that I wasn’t broken, that even with my cracks and mis-matched pieces, I could heal.

”And whenever I was terrified of the monsters that haunted me in the night, you held me.”

Eris clenched Azriel’s hands tightly.

“Azriel Singer, I promise to cherish you always, to honor and sustain you, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, and to be true to you in all things until even death cannot part us. I will take you for what you are, shadows and all, for even the night will have its daybreak. I love you, Az, my only.”

They stared at each other for a long moment before taking their proffered jewelry from Gwyn: Azriel a gold ear chain with a burnished leaf hanging off the end, and Eris a simple, silver hair clip that twisted like a river.

Azriel opened the clasp at one end of the lavaliere and slid it onto the shell of his ear, closing it and deftly attaching the other end to the lobe. The frond hung down, accenting his caliginous skin tone.

Eris, meanwhile, gathered his mane, which he'd combed neatly but left down for the occasion, and clamped his mop of hair with the silver contraption. He shook his head slightly- it stayed, not a hair out of place.

He seemed to be glowing with an inner light, and Azriel was drawn like a moth to his flame. 

Gwyn turned to Azriel and spoke, her voice dependable and firm. While he considered her, Eris steadfastly eyed Az.

“Do you, Azriel Singer, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, comfort him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?”

“And ever after.” 

She turned to Eris.

“And do you, Eris Vanserra, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?”

“And ever after.”

They turned back to face each other, Gwyn swiveling back to the front. Eris was grinning broadly through the teardrops, his lashes seeming to shine. His smirk was mirrored, slightly smaller but no less bright, by Azriel.

“Before these witnesses, you have pledged to be joined in marriage. You have now sealed this pledge with your everlasting vows. By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you married!”

As Eris leaned down to kiss Azriel, he got swept off his feet- Azriel grabbed his sides and spun him around, leaning him back onto his heels while firmly implanting his mouth on him. Eris was now at a nearly 45 degree angle in front of him, being held up only by thick muscled arms. Nesta and Emerie squealed loudly, and Vassa laughed out loud. Everyone clapped and cheered.

The sun had just slipped below the horizon, throwing everything into a wondrous, rainbow sunset of colors. Darkness flared and pulsed around the newlyweds, but they only had eyes for each other. The shadows blended in well with the dimmer lights.

After a moment of shock, Eris wound his hands in Azriel’s mop of black hair. After a few seconds, Az let him take a breath of air… only to put his right arm under Eris’s legs and lift him up in a bridal carry.

Eris blushed furiously while Cass and Fernie wolf whistled, and the girls’ chortling became stentorian. 

Then the music started playing from the speakers placed all around the meadow. As soon as Azriel stepped off the dais, he let Eris squirm out of his grasp. Then he took both of Eris’ hands in his own and spun him around to the beat.

Other couples joined. Cassian looked quite the brute next to Nesta’s elegant dancing, and Jurian and Vassa both looked hopelessly lost, soon going to the nearby table to get refreshments. Tam, so large in his brother’s arms, was laughing unabashedly as he kept on stepping on Cornifer’s feet. And Lu looked absolutely delighted to have the chance to watch Elain dip and sway in her comely dress.

As the music swelled, Gywn, Nesta, and Emerie started singing. Nesta had to break away from her husband in the middle of a twirl to get to them, but when they all managed to get together, their voices created divine harmonies.

He put his mouth to Azriel’s ear. “You look pulchritudinous today, my husband.” 

“You know I don’t know what you mean.”

”Mmm.”

As the second dance started, a few raindrops began to fall, but it never increased more than a light mist dotting their skin.

“A sign of good luck.” Eris proclaimed softly. 

They celebrated through the night, with the kohl from Eris’s eyes still smeared all over his face unabashedly.

Now, he hadn’t put on any makeup, yet the tear tracks were clearly visible. The ones that fell landed on the chrysanthemum, its pure petals trying to soak his grief.

It wasn’t working.

Something deep inside him, so far away that it seemed to have belonged to someone else, had been broken. What had been healed wasn’t gone; it was crumbling. Slowly.

The welcome ghost that had tugged him to his beloved had vacated the space it had made in his chest, and even the shadows didn’t go back to heal it. 

Because the shadows were Azriel’s, and Azriel was gone. 

It made him want to scream. He couldn’t move his mouth.

Lu pulled on his arm. He stayed still. He watched them close the casket, carry Azriel off. Inside, a voice cracked, then resumed its wailing. It kicked, screeched, mourned, fought, as the other half of his soul was dragged off. Or perhaps it was that he was attacking it, the thing that kept him in place while fate cruelly took yet another love from him. The first that mattered; the last they’d take.

Right. Lu.

The thing got up and followed his brother blindly, hoping, like a child, that he might have a way to fix it all, make it better.

Everything was too bright, the sun shining cruelly at him, making a mockery of his tragedy. It seared his skin, just as he knew Azriel’s flesh and tissue was being burned right now, being turned into gases which fed their atmosphere. The acrid smell of burning flesh, so familiar to him but usually far away, settled into his bones. 

He didn’t know where he was. His eyes were blind, turned white and dry, and his ears filled with static. Nothing. Static again. And always, the screaming.

Inside, it was dark. Hollow. Just like the night Azriel had —— gone, when the shadows had fled as the moonlight lit up his dead lover. 

He was collateral damage in Azriel’s orbit, crashing headfirst into the void where he used to be. The black hole in the center of their universe had already taken his beloved, and he would inevitably be sucked in too, connected as he was by the bond which had already disappeared. 

He remembered the car that had taken Azriel’s life. Knew it was his brother’s. Couldn’t do anything about it.

Was there even a point? He had already cried at him to stay, to not leave him, to not let him stay here alone, mourning, and take everything that had kept him from dying from the wounds left in his brain, not to break open the scars which had scabbed over and let him bleed out on the gravel.

At some point, he stopped. There hadn’t been enough energy to really put up a fight in the first place. The monster inside him had been burning, and he had finally fallen down where he couldn’t be reached.

A necklace. Yes, the one he had given to Azriel on his birthday, January fifteenth. Before their wedding. The sapphire necklace. 

It was cold, still, just as he now was. Just as Azriel now was. And the thing that had shoved him so deep inside himself that it now monopolized his every action, it was cold too, leaving the freezing chill inside for any part of his sanity that might’ve remained.

He became numb, and it was all that was left.

Nesta took its form in her arms. Elain warmly informed him that they had to move, to collect his ashes. 

“Do not bind what should be free. Let him go. You feel that he should have stayed with you, but what happened cannot be undone. Let him fade.” 

His name is Azriel! It screamed at her. Azriel! 

Its calls went to voicemail.

She thought she was being comforting. She didn’t get it. No one understood.

She faded into the blackness with the people who would never be able to help him. Heal him. He could not be fixed anymore. Why had he ever thought that what he had gone through before was true Hell, thought that he could have the audacity to kill himself over something so petty as starvation? It was nothing compared to this thing that wrenched at him, grabbed at him and dragged him to the box. The body. 

The one that offered him Azriel was crossed out in red, then thrown into the pit with the others.

It hurt. It hurt.

Its nails pierced his skin.

There were no words.

Only emptiness, hollowness, nothingness.

It took him again, made him step out. Drive himself home. Drag himself up to his bed, where he stayed until the afternoon slipped through his fingers as easily as the ashes he stared at.

Azriel was the muscles that strung him together, and without Azriel, he could not move. Yet he shook.

Azriel was the oxygen in his lungs, his brain, and now he could not breathe. Yet every time two minutes went by, he was still alive.

In the dark, the ceiling shifted. 

He shot up. A shadow? 

Everything lay still.

He lay back down and turned to gaze at the box at his bedside.

It was incomplete.

He grabbed a knife.

“Eris? I know with what happened that you might not want to… to come to the book club meeting, but we haven’t seen you in days. We’re worried. Do you need help?”

No response. Then, a crashing and tinkling of glass before -something- opened the door for Nesta.

“Hiiiiiii Nesta~” It grabbed at her. “Do you want to come in? We just made some teaaa!” 

“Eris, what the fuck-?” 

“Tea! Me and Azriel made tea, come look…”

Eris’s hair was wild, sticking out at all angles and with any number of tidbits in it, and his eyes were bloody red. His apartment was a complete mess, everything thrown helter-skelter all over. Nesta tripped and nearly fell over a small barstool that was near the doorway, afterwards immediately stepping in a pile of dirty laundry.

But the general state of the area wasn’t the most horrifying thing. Eris was tittering and smiling, absolutely giddy, and obviously of the mind that Azriel was right there beside him.

When she got to him, she was scared. Nesta touched his forearm gently.

“Eris? Are you okay?”

He looked confused. 

“Who’s Eris?” he said, sounding as genuine as she’d ever heard him speak. Not a hint of doubt creeped into his voice. He didn’t know, after all.

Nesta’s eyes widened.

“Then… who do you think you are?”

“I’m me! And that’s Azriel! Do I know you?” Eris waved in the general direction of a patch of air, then tilted his head at Nesta, still grinning broadly.

Now thoroughly scared, she asked, “Where is Azriel, again?”

Eris fucking giggled . “Right there! In the shadows, can’t you see him?”

He was gesturing into a corner of the room that was intentionally left dark. The light above that spot had been broken, the glass shards scattered on the floor.

“Also, he’s Azriel Singershadow. Because he’s always in the shadows! But no.” And now, his smile faded. “That’s not right. It’s close, but not right. Still not right… still not the right way…” And then he jumped in the air, hitting his head but not seeming to care or notice.

”Azriel Shadowsinger! That’s right! That’s his name! I could never forget it!”

It had been so nice when Azriel came back. Azriel always came back, he promised he would. But then someone took his Azriel. They tried to tell him that Azriel was gone. No. Azriel wouldn’t do that. Azriel loved him. 

When they took him, he screamed. He could move, until he couldn’t. His arms bound behind him. It hurt. It hurt. His chest hurt. Just when he finally had him. Just when he could finally be with him.

The lights were bright.

The voices were messy.

And then he remembered- oh, Azriel had been a genius when he told him to have this! Azriel, his beloved. Azriel Shadowsinger…

He bit down on the capsule in his tooth.

“What was it?”

“Delusion disorder. He thought this man was still alive, but could never actually find him. Just kept hearing his voice.”

“And the part about his name?”

The doctor shrugged.

“Perhaps another way to deal with the grief.”

“But why did he put it onto the urn itself? With a knife? ”

“Who knows? Dead men tell no tales.”

Somewhere, in another place and time, Eris Vanserra, the Prince of the Autumn Court, was born.