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After the games, Namgyu and Thanos decided to move in together. They aren’t sure when that decision was made, but it felt natural.
They both felt a sense of loss when the vote was cast and the X’s won, but now… they have no complaints. The two of them bounced around for a bit, sometimes having to sleep in parks and other public spaces, but eventually Namgyu got a job. A good job, one that comes with no ulterior motives or strings attached, and was able to start renting them a small apartment.
The place has two rooms, but one of them never gets used, becoming some sort of storage space. During the games, the two of them slept close to each other, albeit on separate bunks. It brought them a sense of peace to know at least when they woke up, they would easily be able to make contact with the other. Safe to assume some things never change.
Every night, Thanos and Namgyu fall asleep in the same bed. Not cuddling, barely brushing against each other, but that’s all they need. The sound of the others breathing, the way the bed moves under each others weight- a sign they are still alive. A calming aspect for the both of them.
They don’t talk about it, but they both know they need it. The trauma they faced, it was simply too much. Definitely too much to confront. So, they will stay silent, and listen to the others breathing as they try to drift off to sleep. It’s the only time they truly feel peace.
However, tonight was drastically different. Namgyu shifted in his sleep, unconscious but sensing something was wrong. As he came to, his heart rate immediately spiked. He looked to his left, Thanos’ side of the bed, and immediately felt a bubble of doom form in his stomach. Thanos was gone. Why was he missing? It was 2am, where could he have gone?
Namgyu felt his breath catch in his throat, attempting to call out his name, but nothing came. He was stuck. Just like he had been for days as he experienced death and suffering first hand. Worried if he was next.
Thanos wasn’t dead, surely, he had been there just two hours beforehand, alive and well. He didn’t mention to Namgyu he had anywhere to go, especially at such a late hour. He wasn’t dead. Right?
Namgyu wasn’t sure when he had came to worry so much about Thanos’ wellbeing. He thought Thanos could probably care less about his, still calling him Namsu instead of Namgyu. So, why does he care so much? Namgyu knew the closeness benefited them both, but his brain kept telling him it was selfish on Thanos’ side. Something he did purely for himself. If anything happened to Namgyu, Thanos would probably go off and find a new person to cling on to keep himself sane. At least that’s what Namgyu thought.
Namgyu felt his body start to shake, his brain betraying him with thoughts he hoped would never come to fruition. It felt like he was drowning, a sense of tightness swallowing him whole. He wasn’t exactly sure what this feeling was. This was something completely new and ugly to him. Ugly. It felt like his body could shut down at any moment.
Most people who experienced what he did, would probably have had multiple breakdowns like this already, but that’s just how stubborn Namgyu was to try to shove it down and forget. Maybe, surrounding himself with people all the time was his attempt at doing that. If he wasn’t with Thanos, he was at work, and vice versa. He was never truly alone. Never truly just him and his brain. He hated it.
Tears brimmed in his eyes, threatening to spill. Namgyu hated crying. He hated giving into his emotions. It felt like the ultimate form of submission, a place where Namgyu doesn’t want to be. He considers crying self betrayal. He hates feeling this weak, this helpless, that he has to sob to himself as he curls up in bed.
He brought his knees to his chest, trying to make himself so small, maybe the emotions would just disappear with no space to exist. Every thing around him felt like static. Something that felt sharp and invading, threatening to take over his body. Everything was blurry. Sharp, invading, yet blurry. His brain felt like it had been taken out and thrown into an emotional tornado.
Suddenly, Namgyu heard a creak of the floorboard. Snapping up, he was met with Thanos. He stood in the doorway, just watching. Thanos wasn’t sure what he was meant to do. They don’t talk about it.
Thanos spoke softly through the silence, trying to reassure Namgyu the best he knew how. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I had to use the bathroom.”
Although Thanos and Namgyu came in a pair at this point, they were truly useless when it came to consoling the other. As badly as Namgyu has no clue how to handle his emotions, Thanos somehow knows less.
Namgyu didn’t speak, just nodded quietly in response, bringing his hand up to wipe away the tears that betrayed him.
Thanos hummed back before making his way into bed. He slowly dipped down, as if Namgyu would break if he approached too quickly. Namgyu just sat there, staring at the space infront of him as he attempted to come to terms with the attack his body had placed on him.
Thanos felt his chest tighten. He wanted to be there for Namgyu but he had no clue how. Most people would ask whats wrong, but not these two. They don’t talk about it.
Namgyu cleared his throat and slowly shuffled back into the position he had been in before the disturbance. Lying on his side, staring at the wall opposite to Thanos, Namgyu hoped he would be able to get his mind to quiet down.
Thanos who was sat up against the headboard just stared. He stared at Namgyu’s back as if it would magically give him answers on how to help. He may come off as arrogant, but he cares. He cares so much for Namgyu that sometimes it hurts more than what they went through.
They don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about it. That unspoken rule ran through Thanos’ mind like it was running a marathon. Sometimes he wished that wasn’t the case. If they did, maybe he could fall asleep tonight knowing he comforted Namgyu enough to feel safe again. Maybe he could fall asleep tonight knowing Namgyu let him in.
If Namgyu would fully let him in, Thanos could know what this breakdown is about, and maybe learn how to help. Was it because he was missing from his usual spot? The thought of that being the case was almost endearing to Thanos, although it sent Namgyu into a panic. Thanos likes the moments where he can see Namgyu cares too.
Thanos came to the conclusion to do the only thing he knew how. Be close. He didn’t want to startle Namgyu anymore than he already was, so he spoke. It was hesitant, almost second guessing the idea, but he would feel worse if he did nothing at all.
“I’m going to hold you.”
Thanos waited a moment, watching Namgyu’s reaction. He watched as Namgyu’s breath hitched, but he didn’t object. Thanos took that as a sign he was feeling the same way he was. It was new, but it was needed.
Thanos slid down, bringing himself under the covers, leaving no barrier between him and Namgyu as he positioned himself behind him, bringing one arm around Namgyu’s body to hug him tight. Thanos was there. He was there and he wasn’t going anywhere.
Namgyu felt his breathing slow as he let himself accept the warmth of Thanos’ embrace. He didn’t know this could feel so… peaceful.
Namgyu brought one arm up to hold onto the one Thanos had slung around him, using it as an extra anchor. In this moment, Namgyu had no clue what he was so worried about before. It felt like Thanos had walked in and switched off a button in his mind that said “chaos”.
Thanos didn’t allow himself to go to sleep until he felt Namgyu’s breathing steady, and his body let go and stop being as tense as a tightrope. Thanos happened to find it particularly easier to sleep that night.
They don’t talk about it. They might not ever talk about it.
But this would do.