Work Text:
Scene 1: A sideroom off of the main North Pole Workshop
SANTA CLAUS and his head elf, SNOWDROP, are working on sewing teddy bears. Although St. Nick is intently finishing a stitch on the eye, the elf is distracted, playing with the bears like the toys they are. SANTA looks up from his work.
SANTA : Ah, Snowdrop, I didn’t see when you came in. Everything ready for the big day?
SNOWDROP is more than distracted. He’s made a big display with about 15 bears, with two in the center draped in white tulle material.
SNOWDROP: [distracted] Yeah. The teddy bears are getting married.
SANTA: [beat, serious] You should be working. Not playing, Snowdrop. It’s December 1st, we don’t have much time. We’re a little short-staffed this year, here in the North Pole.
SNOWDROP snaps back up from the display. Oh no, he got off task again..
SNOWDROP: Oh..
SANTA: Here’s a teddy bear for the pile. I’ve been making them myself. [sighs] It’s good for me to be thrown into my work.
He sobs in a jolly manner. Ho ho ho…oh oh oh :(
SNOWDROP: Santa?
SANTA: [intensely] YES?
SNOWDROP: As your head elf..
SANTA: [interrupting, reminiscing] My favorite elf, Snowdrop. You’ve been with me since the beginning, since 0 AD. Remember when we were there for the birth of Jesus? I was a wise man..
SNOWDROP: [joining in] And I was dressed as a sheep.
SANTA: You were a wonderful sheep, Snowdrop.
SNOWDROP: [baaa-aaahs]
SANTA: [breaking] That’s the noise you made, I remember.
SANTA sobs in a non-jolly manner, holding his head in his hands. He tries to collect himself and appear jolly. It’s not very effective.
SANTA: [hurriedly] Back to work, back to work. There’s only 25 days left. [sniffle] Jingle bells…jingle bells…!
SNOWDROP: [gently] Is everything alright, Santa?
SANTA: It’s a bleak midwinter.
SNOWDROP: Maybe Mrs. Claus could help? I haven’t seen her around very much.
As if on cue, MRS. CLAUS appears in a huff. She’s shoving items haphazardly into her bag, and taking her light sweater from the coat rack.
SANTA: There’s that giant elf.
MRS. CLAUS: [indignant] You can call me a giant elf if you want, but I don’t give a shit, you know that? I’m gonna leave the keys in the sled, okay?
SANTA : [sarcastic] Leave the keys in the sled, yes. So I can start the engine of the sled .
She starts pulling stuff off the wall as well.
MRS: And I’m taking all of this as well, it's going.
SANTA: The candy canes?
MRS: All the candy canes as well.
SANTA: [passive aggressive] Fine. Fine, take it. Take it. Hope you have a good time down there.
MRS: I will.
SANTA: I hope you do. I hope you do. Have a great time in Barbados. [beat.] Very few chimneys in Barbados. You might not be getting anything.
SNOWDROP: [whispering] You- you still have to go there, even if there’s no chimneys-
SANTA: No! No I don’t, Barbados on the Naughty List! All of it.
SNOWDROP: That’s not-
SANTA : Especially Javier’s house. You slut!
[beat]
MRS: [calm] I don’t wanna talk about this right now, okay? I just want you to sign those papers and we can be done with this.
SANTA: [quietly] Oh, I’ll sign those papers.
MRS: Alright.
MRS: [to Snowdrop] How are you Snowdrop? You okay?
SANTA : Don’t talk to Snowdrop! Snowdrop is loyal. Hard-working. Faithful . Unlike you .
SANTA is standing up now, a protective hand on SNOWDROP’s shoulder. He glares at MRS. CLAUS.
MRS: Okay. Are you just gonna keep being an asshole to me, or- what are we doing?
SANTA: You slept with Javier!
MRS: Yes.
SANTA: We are married!
MRS: I know.
SANTA: We are family values through and through! And you threw that away, for what? Some cheap thrill? One night of heat?
MRS. CLAUS closes the gap between the two of them.
MRS: [low] Because I wasn’t happy anymore, Nicholas.
She takes the last of her stuff, and walks to the door. She turns around once more before she goes.
MRS: See you later.
The door closes. SANTA sits back down again.
SANTA: Well, Snowdrop, I guess now that you know, you’re gonna spread it among all the other elves. Mrs. Claus has left me.
He gives a pause in his sentence that leaves room to say more, but he doesn’t. He just sits there, pouting his lips.
SNOWDROP: Well…I think the elves will want to know.
SANTA: The elves will obviously know. I mean…what if it distracts them from their work? And then they make- they make depressing toys?
SNOWDROP: [solemnly] That is always a risk with elves. We feed directly off your emotions.
SANTA: And that’s why I tried to keep a jolly disposition.
SNOWDROP: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner; Santa’s smiles.
SANTA: I’m just not sure there’s anything to smile about this Christmas, Snowdrop.
SNOWDROP : [knowingly] I know! That’s why we’ve been really hungry for all of November. And you know that’s when we do the real work. We just fuck about in August. September, October, we’re like, “Yeah, I’ll do that later.” and then November we’re like, “fucking hell, there’s so much to do!”
SANTA: Yes.
SNOWDROP: “How do you even assemble a Nintendo Switch?”
SANTA: It doesn’t help that we only found out this year that all elves have ADHD.
SANTA gives SNOWDROP a knowing look. The elf nods.
SNOWDROP: Yeah. I finally took that test.
SANTA: And we’re happy to accommodate, Snowdrop. But this is serious.
He gives a grave look to the head elf. SNOWDROP’s eyes widen.
SNOWDROP: No!
SANTA: Yes.
SANTA: Christmas is cancelled.
---
Scene 2: A lake of ice.
A sea of frozen ice. Icebergs, icicles…just kinda any and all water that can be cooled to a bare minimum of 0 degrees Celsius. Be warned though, for this is a prison for the North Pole’s worst criminals, housing none other than KRAMPUS. His ice prison begins to crack as SANTA’s dire statement echos. Crackle, crackle, SHATTER! KRAMPUS frees himself slowly. His horns, then his head. His hands and shoulders. It buckles and bends as he continues to free himself.
KRAMPUS: Ahhh…jaaaa~
KRAMPUS: What did Krampus hear? Christmas is cancelled ? Krampus likes the sound of this. Krampus likes the sound of this very much .
KRAMPUS: If it’s not Christmas time…It’s Kramping time.
Crackle, crackle, POP! A smaller entity bursts from his respective ice prison behind KRAMPUS. It’s LITTLE KRAMPUS, his partner in holiday crime.
LITTLE KRAMPUS: Little Krampus!
KRAMPUS: Little Krampus?
LITTLE KRAMPUS: Little Krampus! YEAAAHH!
LITTLE KRAMPUS is completely free from the ice, unable to stay in one place. KRAMPUS is having trouble with the remaining ice on his left leg.
KRAMPUS: Little Krampus, how are you doing this wintertime?
LITTLE: Yeah, I fucking hate winter.
KRAMPUS: Aaaaayeee, you do all your best work in August.
LITTLE: [does a laugh you’d expect from someone named Little Krampus]
KRAMPUS: Because of your DHDA.
LITTLE: Damn Hot Attention Awareness!
[beat]
KRAMPUS: That’s…I don’t think you did that right, Little Krampus. But that’s okay.
LITTLE KRAMPUS is still running around. KRAMPUS has accepted that the left leg will just have to thaw out as they go.
KRAMPUS: Little Krampus-
LITTLE: YEAH!!!
He’s gone from running to jumping now. KRAMPUS stops him.
KRAMPUS: You stay littler than Big Krampus.
KRAMPUS: Little Krampus, it's time we go to the North Pole. It’s time we go visit the elves!
LITTLE KRAMPUS has taken KRAMPUS’s lead, slowing his running to a strange crawl, due to KRAMPUS’s leg still stuck in ice. Their movement is gratingly slow.
KRAMPUS: [self-aware] This could take a while.
---
Scene 3: The North Pole Airport
An empty airport terminal is filled with the sound of heels clacking and wheels rolling on the tiled ground. The very minimal staff skirt around MRS. CLAUS as she rounds a corner.
MRS: Excuse me, coming through! Excuse me!
She reaches her gate and waits for the attendant, KIERAN, to acknowledge her.
MRS: Hi, um..I got a ticket to Barbados.
KIERAN: Why, yes, of course ma’am. Welcome to the North Pole Airport!
MRS: Great.
KIERAN: Wait a minute, don’t I know you?
MRS: [quietly] Oh, fuck.
KIERAN: Mrs. Claus, right? You always send the best cookies this time of year! All the boys are looking forward to them at the airport.
MRS: [stiffly] Yeah? Well, they’re not gonna come this year, so…
KIERAN: Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that.
MRS: Yeah.
KIERAN: Going to Barbados, are you? It’s the busiest month of your year!
MRS: Yeah, there’s been, uh- there’s been some rearrangements that are gonna be happening, and I’m gonna take a holiday, so…
KIERAN: Oh, fair enough.
MRS: [beat] You look very relaxed.
KIERAN: You’re the first passenger we’ve had all year! Not many people fly out through here, you know?
The silence continues. MRS. CLAUS just wants the conversation to be over, while KIERAN is just happy to be talking to THE Lady Christmastime.
KIERAN: Wanna get on the plane?
MRS: I’d love to, yeah.
KIERAN: Cool, I’m also the pilot!
MRS: [poorly veiled disappointment] Oh.
KIERAN: Ticket?
She hands it to him.
KIERAN: Passport?
She also hands it to him. He holds it up to her face, to double check that it's the same person. There’s a slightly puzzled look as his eyes dart from the book to the woman.
MRS: It’s me, just about 20 years ago, that’s all.
KIERAN: Oh. This is expired then, I’m afraid I can’t let you fly.
MRS: No no no no no, what are you talking about?
KIERAN: Passports expire after 10 years.
Another employee appears, DAMIAN, to subdue what seems will break out into an ugly argument.
DAMIAN : Kieran! Kieran! The photo is 20 years old, but the passport is only five.
KIERAN: But when you go to get your new passport, you have to have a photo that was taken in the last six months. So this would technically be identity fraud. [to Mrs. Claus] I’m afraid you’ll have to stay in the North Pole.
ANOTHER another employee, SCOUT, steps in.
SCOUT: Well hang on here guys. Are we not just discussing US law? The North Pole has its own set of entirely different rules.
KIERAN: It’s not about the North Pole’s rules, she’s flying out to Barbados, it's about Barbados’s rules.
SCOUT: Oh, that’s a good point! That’s a well made point.
MRS: [interrupting, desperate] I will bake you so many cookies.
SCOUT: Oh! Bribery.
KIERAN: That’s also a crime.
MRS: Listen! Do you know who I am?
KIERAN: Mrs. Claus!
MRS: That’s right, I’m Mrs. Claus, and I’m gonna be getting on that plane because I’m getting outta here, okay?
SCOUT: [to Kieran] ...Well, you’re the pilot, so…
SCOUT and DAMIAN throw up their hands and return to their posts.
MRS: So, what? I’m just gonna have to stay at the airport then?
KIERAN: Or get a new passport.
MRS: Get a new passport…?
KIERAN: I mean, you’re the one who came in here with a bad-
MRS: You know what? Let’s do it.
KIERAN: Oh. Alright.
MRS: Can you show me the local place where they give you the- Ooh! Actually, do you have a photo booth, perchance?
KIERAN: We do, yeah. I’ll show you.
MRS. CLAUS and KIERAN take this strange detour to get her a replacement passport. They stop in front of a photo booth tucked in the corner of the baggage claim. He pulls the curtain aside for her.
KIERAN: Please, step inside.
MRS: Great, how much does it cost?
KIERAN: I think it does contactless now.
MRS: Oh really?
KIERAN: Yeah.
MRS: Okay, cool
KIERAN: [holds out his hand so he can pay for her] Can I see your bank card?
MRS: [confused] Sorry?
KIERAN: Nevermind.
She steps inside.
KIERAN: Now remember: No smiling, any hats and glasses must be removed, just look straight at the camera, and keep your head and the top of your shoulders in.
MRS: Thank you.
She goes to close the curtain, but KIERAN stops her.
KIERAN: You have to pay first.
MRS: Oh, alright.
The successful chime of the card reader goes off. She closes the curtain, then takes off her hat and glasses and puts them in her bag. She brushes in the stray hairs before the machine begins taking her picture.
MRS: [muttering] Oh Jesus.
PHOTO BOOTH: First photo in three..two..one..[CLICK]
She almost forgets to not smile in the first one.
PHOTO BOOTH: Next photo in three..two..one..[CLICK]
MRS. CLAUS strikes a pose again without a smile, unaware of a pair of hands on her shoulders.
PHOTO BOOTH: Next photo in three..two..one..[CLICK]
MRS. CLAUS hits that pouty lip, completely oblivious to the ominous and large figure directly behind her.
KRAMPUS: [whispering] Christmas is cancelled…
PHOTO BOOTH: Last photo in three..two..one..[CLICK]
MRS. CLAUS furrows her brow at the sudden appearance of the new voice. The machine prints out her photos, and she looks them over. Cover of Time, Cover of Vogue, KRAMPUS behind her, and Cover of- HUH? She gasps in shock and looks behind her. No one is there. She looks back at the pictures, frightened, then hurriedly comes out of the booth.
KIERAN: Everything alright in there, Mrs. Claus? I heard you gasp.
MRS. CLAUS shows KIERAN the photos.
KIERAN: Hmm. So you can’t use those last two. You gotta be alone in the pho- Wait a minute…!
MRS: [panicked] Was that you? Did someone do that?
KIERAN: That’s- that’s- that’s Krampus! The most wanted terrorist in the North Pole!
MRS: [whispered] Krampus…
KIERAN: Are you in league with Krampus?!
MRS: [incredulous] No, I’m not in league with Kram-
KIERAN: You come in here with a bad passport and Krampus in your passport photos!
MRS: Nicholas put Krampus away a thousand years ago.
KIERAN: Then how do you explain those images?
MRS: [stuttering] It uh- It must be- It must be- something’s wrong with the machine. Like a- like a prank or a joke or something.
KIERAN: [stiffly] I’ll take that.
KIERAN takes MRS. CLAUS’s photos, and cuts out the first one, her face resembling something of a shrouded glare than a neutral look. He glues it into the book, then tucks the unused photos inside and hands the book back to her.
KIERAN: Well, there’s your passport. If you still wanna go. I guess someone should, uh, warn Nicholas about Krampus’s return.
MRS: [distracted] Yeah.
KIERAN: Not since 1024 did he get out.
MRS: [distracted] Not since The Great Battle.
KIERAN: Yeah, The Great Battle. I remember.
MRS. CLAUS looks up, breaking her distant look.
MRS: Um, is this the gate?
KIERAN: I mean, yeah. I’m the pilot, I have to come with you.
MRS: Alright.
KIERAN starts walking toward the bridge. MRS. CLAUS starts to follow, but takes a pause. When he realizes she’s not behind him, KIERAN turns around.
MRS: [quietly] No I should- No. No, I can’t-
KIERAN: You seem to be having some sort of crisis of conscience.
Over by the shuttle gate, SCOUT and DAMIAN have been quietly observing and discussing what’s been happening. DAMIAN nods along with what SCOUT says.
SCOUT: [to Damian] God! Y’know, this is just fascinating stuff. I thought when she was gonna get her passport renewed, that was something, but…look at the turmoil! The pausing! The hesitation!
MRS: [concluded] No, it's fine. You know what? It’s fine. He’s made his bed now, and he can sleep in it. Let’s go.
KIERAN: Alright, right this way.
KIERAN leads MRS. CLAUS to the bridge to board the plane.
---
Scene 4: Workshop floor.
Conveyor belts fly with toys, as elves help to prepare for the upcoming holiday season. Stacking boxes, painting on logos, whistling while they work. Joy and merriment abound for the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. SNOWDROP timidly makes his way inside and addresses those working.
SNOWDROP: Lads, I’m really sorry to say it, but I don’t think there’s anything for breakfast today.
The elves groan collectively. A nearby elf, PEPPERMINT, voices his disappointment.
PEPPERMINT: We’ve not eaten in a month! Where’s our joy? Where’s our gumdrop smiles?? Where’s our bowl full of jelly laughs???
SNOWDROP: I know..
PEPPERMINT: This is shit!
SNOWDROP: Um…
SNOWDROP hypes himself up to break the news.
SNOWDROP: [beat] Santa’s wife has left him. Mrs. Claus, she-
PEPPER: [shocked] Oooh nooo! That’s real hard, you know? That must be why he was so glum this November. Oh, dear!
SNOWDROP: I think it-
PEPPER: Back to work!
SNOWDROP: [rising volume] Y’know, we can’t work forever like this, we-
PEPPER: You’re right, I should do this instead.
SNOWDROP: [beat; normal volume, curious] What’s that?
PEPPERMINT fiddles with something in between his thumbs and forefingers.
PEPPER: [holding back a laugh] It’s my toy nipples.
SNOWDROP: Stop that! I’ve got a serious plan to unveil.
PEPPER: What is it, Snowdrop?
SNOWDROP: I think we need to get in touch with Mrs. Claus and reunite them.
PEPPER: What, like some sort of “Parent Trap” situation? But we’re elves, not twins. I like your thinking, but I don’t know where she’s gone, mate.
SNOWDROP: [struggling to remember] Bar…bados
PEPPER: Barbados, Barbados..alright, let me check the map.
PEPPERMINT pulls up an interactive map.
PEPPERMINT: There. But how are we gonna get to Barbados? We don’t have passports, we’re not allowed!
Then SNOWDROP had an idea. An awful idea. SNOWDROP had a wonderful, awful idea. I say all of this to mean that he smirked knowingly, but in a Christmas-sy, Grinch-y way.
SNOWDROP: There’s a photo booth in the airport!
SNOWDROP: What we’ll do is..
PEPPER: Yeah?
SNOWDROP: I’ll climb up on your shoulders…
PEPPER: [slightly nervous] Oh, really??
SNOWDROP: Yeah!
PEPPER: Okay.
SNOWDROP: And we’ll wear a big old trenchcoat and pretend to be a human.
PEPPER: Alright, I have an alternative proposal.
SNOWDROP: I really prefer mine, to be honest- to whatever it is you’re gonna say.
PEPPER : Well, Santa’s obviously quite distracted with his recent… upset in romance. And it seems Mrs. Claus left the keys on the hook to the sleigh…
PEPPERMINT plucks the keys from its hook on the wall, and spins it around on his finger.
SNOWDROP: Ah, actually, fuck yeah! That’s great, I like that alot! Well done, that’s the one!
SNOWDROP excitedly shakes PEPPERMINT’s hand.They rush over to the stables next door, standing in front of Santa’s sleigh and the powerful reindeer that guide it. The two climb inside.
PEPPER: Alright, in we get.
The reindeer begin revving up. They rev up a little too much, actually, so they fart a little. It’s not pleasant, but much more tasteful than what is depicted in The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. PEPPERMINT and SNOWDROP fan away the gas.
PEPPER: What have these reindeer been eating?
He grabs hold of the reins.
PEPPER: Alright. On Dasher, on Dancer, on- oh fuck.
He turns to SNOWDROP.
PEPPER: Do you know the other names?
SNOWDROP thinks for a moment.
SNOWDROP: On Dasher, on Dancer, on..on- on-
PEPPER: [unsure] C-comet??
Luckily, all the elves from the workshop followed them to the stable, and recite the rest of the reindeer’s names in beautiful harmony. “On Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!”
PEPPER: The other elves know, fuck it, let’s go.
---
Scene 4.5: Barbados.
With a crack of the reins, the reindeer bolt into the air, initiate micro-space, and land PEPPERMINT and SNOWDROP harshly, in Barbados.
PEPPER: [shell-shocked] We’re here.
Both clamber out of the sleigh.
PEPPER: Oh, wow! Barbados is nice, isn’t it?
SNOWDROP: Yeah!
PEPPER: It’s warm, even in December! I’m gonna hide the sleigh under a hedge.
He begins to disassemble the sleigh, which is something it can do. A man in a loosely-buttoned shirt approaches with a drink in his hand, very clearly seeing them do this. The elves don’t know this yet, but it’s JAVIER, the man MRS. CLAUS is cheating on her husband with.
JAVIER: ¡Hola!
PEPPER: Oh-la?
JAVIER: My name is Javier. You are not who I was expecting.
He comes around to the other side of the hedge.
JAVIER: I was expecting a sexy lady with a big beard, but you…
PEPPER: [immediately lying through his teeth] We’re just two children.
JAVIER: [beat] I should put my chest away.
SNOWDROP nods along to the lie. JAVIER begins to button up his shirt.
PEPPER: Is that the local custom?
JAVIER: No, only when we’re awaiting a lover. Which, again, you are not. You are two children.
SNOWDROP: [quietly] No, definitely not.
JAVIER: I feel like I’m in the way, to be honest.
PEPPER: No, no, it’s alright. It’s uh…nice here.
PEPPER: We’re looking for someone too. Not a lover, though, it’s our boss’s wife.
A glass bottle drops. All three heads turn, and a man apologizes and returns to get a new one.
JAVIER: My manservant was surprised.
PEPPER: You’ve got a manservant?
JAVIER: Yes.
PEPPER: We’re menservants in a way.
JAVIER: You are?
PEPPER: Yeah.
JAVIER: But you’re children!
PEPPER: [same amount of enthusiasm as the last one] Yeah.
JAVIER: Hmmm…
PEPPER: Different rules in the North Pole.
JAVIER: You’re from the North Pole?
SNOWDROP: Yeah. Our boss is called Mrs. Claus.
PEPPER : No! Our boss’s wife is called Mrs. Claus.
PEPPER admonishes SNOWDROP’s slip up. JAVIER lowers himself, and turns SNOWDROP’s face toward him.
JAVIER: Tell me more. Tell. Me. More.
SNOWDROP: [a little too quickly] Well, for a little over 2,000 years, I’ve helped make toys for children all over the world.
JAVIER: Oh- tell me a little less.
SNOWDROP looks at PEPPERMINT, who gives him a noncommittal shrug. He turns back to JAVIER.
SNOWDROP: My boss is Santa Claus, his wife is Mrs. Claus, and she’s been fucking someone called Javi-
The dots connect as he says it out loud. SNOWDROP looks back at PEPPERMINT again, as JAVIER gives a satisfied shrug.
SNOWDROP: Ohhh!
JAVIER: Aaah. I mean, I was going to say- she has been fucking me, yes. I’m definitely the receiver in the relationship.
SNOWDROP: [increasing animosity] It’s you! You’re the one who ruined Christmas for everyone!
JAVIER: Aaahh! Don’t be silly!
PEPPERMINT tries to surreptitiously stab JAVIER with two daggers he has in the disassembled sleigh, but doesn’t get a chance to before JAVIER gets up. A familiar voice appears behind them and they turn around.
MRS: Javier~! I’ve got no skirt on~!
A door unlocks, and MRS. CLAUS, true to her word, is clothed everywhere except below her waist.
MRS: How’d you- Oh my god!
She immediately moves to cover herself.
PEPPER: [reassuring] It’s okay, we’re not children!
MRS : [embarrassed] I know who you are!! What are you doing here ?
JAVIER: I- I didn’t bring them here, they just turned up.
PEPPER: Snowdrop, you’re the head elf, you take the lead.
MRS: What are you doing here??
SNOWDROP: Look-
MRS: Explain yourselves!
SNOWDROP : Christmas is ruined ! Santa’s not happy, so there’s no laughter for us to eat.
JAVIER: Eugh.
SNOWDROP: And we can’t make toys on an empty stomach, so all the children are gonna go without toys!
MRS : [rising volume] Do you think I care? Do you know how he treated me? Do you know what happened ?
SNOWDROP: ...No, he doesn’t tell us. He just says “ho ho ho” a lot.
JAVIER: [to Mrs. Claus] I mean that was part of it, he called you names all the time.
SNOWDROP turns to face JAVIER.
SNOWDROP: No!! “Ho ho ho’ is gleeful laughter!
JAVIER: It can mean a different thing.
SNOWDROP: Not in the North-
JAVIER: You’re too young to understand.
SNOWDROP: [visibly upset] I’m not a child! I’m 2,000 years old!
MRS. CLAUS continues with her story.
MRS: It had been building up for years. Thousands of years.
She thought she could tough it out, but it is really embarrassing to be exposed when you weren’t prepared for unexpected guests. MRS. CLAUS throws JAVIER a bashful smile.
JAVIER: Would you-
MRS: Have you got something to cover me up?
JAVIER: Yeah, I’ll get it for you.
He walks through the doorway and immediately comes back with a sarong cover-up to tie around her waist.
MRS: [wistful] We were happy at first. Thank you, Javier. We used to go on the sleigh together and…see the world. Deliver presents. But I remember sometimes thinking..I think he loved the presents more than me, you know? Is it the work, or is it me? And I realized it once. When we were on the sleigh, and there was a great storm. And there was a moment, where the sleigh rocked. I was about to fall out one way, and the toys were about to fall out the other.
JAVIER: [interjecting] Like in Spider-Man 1 with Tobey Maguire.
MRS: And I saw…he immediately went for the toys. I went straight off the edge. But, um, luckily..
SNOWDROP: Luckily what?
PEPPER: Luckily what?
MRS: I was caught. Caught on a cloud.
PEPPER: …What?
SNOWDROP: Caught on a cloud, the thick North Pole clouds.
MRS: That’s right.
PEPPER: Oh! They’re like candy floss up there, you can bounce for days. That sounds like a fun time!
SNOWDROP: Yeah, he knew you were safe.
PEPPER: He knew you were beneath the clouds, but presents, they might fall through the clouds. [matter-of-factly] That’s how it works up there.
MRS: Well, it's over now, and it’s done. Look, I got a new passport. New passport photo, look.
She walks over to the two elves to show them her very recent passport photo. The unused photos are now used like a bookmark for easy access to the page she wants to show them. They both take a glance.
SNOWDROP: Yeah…you don’t look very happy in it.
PEPPER: You’re not smiling.
This is objectively true, but less to do with her emotions and more because you’re not allowed to smile for a passport photo. SNOWDROP starts to say something else when he finally notices the unused photos. The foreboding figure in pictures three and four seem oddly familiar…
SNOWDROP: Who’s that in the-
MRS: No, no it- it can’t be real.
SNOWDROP backs away, a horrified expression paints his face. JAVIER pulls the book closer to him so he can take a look.
JAVIER: That looks like a plot point that’s almost been abandoned.
SNOWDROP: [mortified] Krampus!
PEPPERMINT whips his head around.
PEPPER: Krampus?!
SNOWDROP: Krampus!!
MRS: No, no. It-
SNOWDROP: Krampus is back and you didn’t tell him?!
MRS: I mean, it must have been a mistake in the ma-
SNOWDROP: [emotional] I WAS THERE! I was there a thousand years ago!
MRS: You were at The Great Battle?
SNOWDROP: I had to fight Little Krampus!
MRS: But- but you put him away! You locked him away!
PEPPERMINT comforts SNOWDROP, MRS. CLAUS looks on incredulously.
JAVIER: This is all a bit weird for me. I just wanted the pussy.
PEPPERMINT and SNOWDROP look up at him, disgusted.
MRS: He’s allowed-
JAVIER: [to Mrs. Claus] You know it’s casual.
MRS: [to Javier] Yeah, I know. I know, I know.
JAVIER: You know it’s casual.
MRS: You’re fine, you’re fine.
PEPPER: This guy’s clearly a dick.
JAVIER: Hey!
PEPPER: And yeah, sure, St. Nicholas does focus on his work, a lot. But that work is making every child in the world happy, and he can’t make people happy without you making him happy.
JAVIER: Wow, that sounds very transactional to me.
PEPPER: [ignoring him] You’re his muse, his inspiration.
JAVIER: Wow! Very objectifying to me.
PEPPER: [to Javier] You just said you were just here for the pussy!
JAVIER: Well, yes, but at least I’m honest about it. And I am a dick - like 20%! - but at least I’m honest.
MRS. CLAUS holds up the passport pictures.
MRS: You think this...could maybe be real? You think that maybe Krampus...is back?
SNOWDROP & PEPPERMINT: Yes.
PEPPER: He turned up in the back of your passport photo, what part of that did you think was fake?
SNOWDROP: You’ve been in denial too long, you’re too afraid of communicating, Mrs. Claus.
PEPPER: You gotta open up.
SNOWDROP : Yeah! You could’ve told him. The reason he’s so distracted from work is because all his elves have ADHD. Maybe if we got our act together...
PEPPER : Hey! Let’s not blame someone with a disorder, shall we. I think it should be managed and adjusted for. Sometimes the hyperfocus is really useful for me making toys. One time, I made a thousand Game Boys in a- in just a [pewrlrlrlrrwah]! I just made Game Boys. They said, “Try and make something else,” and I said, “Fuck that!”
PEPPERMINT gives SNOWDROP a shoulder squeeze of support. Perhaps the biggest enemy was internalized ableism all along. Well, maybe not right now, that would be KRAMPUS, but still a very important thing to hold onto.
MRS: Head elf! If you think this is real, then he’s in grave danger. We have to go back now.
SNOWDROP: Let’s get back.
PEPPER: To the sled! Let’s build it again.
The three get to work reassembling the sleigh. The eight very un-hidden reindeer await further instruction.
MRS: Build it, quick! Build it!
PEPPER: Sorry Javier.
JAVIER: [chill] I’m going to stay here.
PEPPER: No pussy for you.
With the sleigh fully assembled, MRS. CLAUS, SNOWDROP, and PEPPERMINT get inside and dash through the palms to make their way back to the North Pole. JAVIER goes back inside the beach house, still waiting for his manservant to return with his drink.
---
Scene 5: Workshop floor.
The entire North Pole is on lockdown. The windows and doors are shuttered, and the entire place is dark. No one comes in, and no one comes out, as will be explained in near exact phrasing by another character. KRAMPUS can be heard through the intercom system.
KRAMPUS: [in the style of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”] Have yourself einem creepy little Krampus / I’ve returned to you~ / I don’t know how long the mic cable is here~ / but I’m inside of your factory / my dear~
KRAMPUS lets out a long hiss at the end of the verse. An elf, GUMMYBOY, approaches SANTA, who’s standing guard with a shotgun.
GUMMYBOY: Santa! Santa!
SANTA whirls around and cocks the gun at him. GUMMYBOY throws his hands up, and SANTA lowers the gun.
GUMMYBOY: The place has gone into lockdown, we can’t get out.
SANTA: [trying to make out his face in the darkness] Gummyboy!
GUMMYBOY: Yeah.
SANTA: The whole of the North Pole has gone into lockdown?
GUMMYBOY: Yeah, everything’s in lock down. This building as well, we can’t get out.
SANTA: I’d recognize that voice anywhere. It’s Krampus! He’s finally released from the ice after a thousand years.
KRAMPUS returns on the intercom.
KRAMPUS: [exasperated] I literally said my name.
SANTA: [to Gummyboy] Here, take this shotgun.
GUMMYBOY: Okay. I’m gonna go down this corridor. See you in a bit.
SANTA: Okay.
GUMMYBOY, now armed, goes down the corridor. KRAMPUS appears again on the intercom.
KRAMPUS: [in the style of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” again] I’ve just realized there’s no cable on this mic at all~!
KRAMPUS: [evil laughter] Krampus grows more powerful!
There’s a sound of footsteps before the intercom goes dead again. A scuffle can be heard from the corridor, then gunshots. GUMMYBOY lets out a scream.
GUMMYBOY: AAAAH! Krampus just shot me!
More gunshots. The intercom comes alive again.
KRAMPUS: Aaah! Little Krampus has a gun now!
KRAMPUS makes a mockery of SANTA’s iconic laugh before the intercom goes out yet again. From the hallway, LITTLE KRAMPUS lets out a cheerfully evil laugh, bounding through the halls with his new gun.
KRAMPUS: Ah! My old enemy.
The intercom again. The voice seems much closer to SANTA, though.
SANTA: Where are you Krampus? Come out from hiding!
KRAMPUS: [booming, low] I am everywhere.
SANTA: I’ve banished you once before, and I can do it again.
KRAMPUS : No, no, no, no, no~! [audibly smiling] No, no, no, no, no~! You and Mrs. Claus banished me. But you’re alone now.
The last part of KRAMPUS’s words echo evilly off the walls.
SANTA: I’m not alone, I still have all the elves. The elves love me, and the reindeer, and-
KRAMPUS: I’ve changed your elves.
SANTA: [beat] What?
An elf can be heard through the intercom microphone. It sounds deep and robotic.
ELF: Krampus.
KRAMPUS : They can only say my name now. All the elves in the building are my elves nowww-owwwwww-owwww.
KRAMPUS drawls the last word. SANTA paces the workshop floor, scanning for any sign of KRAMPUS himself.
SANTA: [growing distress] I’ve already cancelled Christmas, Krampus, I can’t make the toys in time. You’ve already won. You don’t need to taunt me like this!
KRAMPUS: [low] Oh no!
SANTA : [emotional] Me and my wife are getting a divorce !
KRAMPUS: [mock sympathy] Ooohhh noooo! Poor little teddy bear Christmas man!
SANTA holds his head in his hands again. He doesn’t see an elf approaching him at a moderate pace, hands outstretched and eyes glazed over.
SANTA : [slightly muffled] I have so many names, that is not one of-
ELF: [droning] Krampus. Krampus. Krampus.
SANTA looks up, then starts backing away.
SANTA: Oh god, no! Come on, no!
SNOWDROP: [faintly, from above] INCOMING!
A faint jingling of sleigh bells can be heard overhead. The sound increases as it nears the roof of the workshop at alarming speed. CRASH! SNOWDROP, MRS CLAUS, PEPPERMINT, and a few other elves crash through the roof, ramming into the KRAMPUS-controlled elf and throwing him backwards in the air. He lands with a soft thunk.
SANTA: Snowdrop, what are you doing with the sleigh?
SNOWDROP: I’m here with the whole gang!
SANTA stops to briefly shake hands with the elves in the back. MRS. CLAUS gets out of the sleigh.
SNOWDROP: Krampus is back!
MRS: Krampus is back.
SANTA: [to Mrs. Claus, stunned] Darling! You’re…you’re back from Barbados..
MRS: Yes.
SANTA: [tearing up] I thought you were gone forever.
MRS: I thought I was gone forever as well. But I don’t wanna see you die and I don’t wanna see him back.
SANTA: He’s already back, he started brainwashing the elves. They can only say “Krampus” now.
KRAMPUS: [booming] Krampus.
KRAMPUS appears on the intercom, as well as directly behind SANTA to say this, before slinking back into the shadows. SANTA screams and comes to the other side of the sleigh.
SANTA: I don’t know how he’s doing that, it’s really creepy.
SANTA puts a hand on MRS. CLAUS’s shoulder. They lock eyes.
SANTA: Darling, I’m- I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t see that things were changing between us. Every year, I have to work so hard, just making all the toys for all the children. But I- I realized…there’s no merry..without you.
They share an embrace.
SNOWDROP: Show your face, Little Krampus!
KRAMPUS: [on the intercom] Ja! Little Krampus, go hand-to-hand on this elf.
SNOWDROP: Where are you?
LITTLE KRAMPUS appears from the shadows. He crab walks toward SNOWDROP, making weird little jumps and baring his teeth. He gets up slowly. With a battle cry, he rushes SNOWDROP. They exchange blows; punch, kick, block! THWACK! LITTLE KRAMPUS gets SNOWDROP in the side of his neck! SNOWDROP falls with a heavy thud.
MRS: No!
She pulls one of the larger decorative candy canes from the wall and repeatedly hits LITTLE KRAMPUS over his head. SANTA pulls one down as well for backup. LITTLE KRAMPUS runs away.
SANTA: I’m not sure what just happened.
KRAMPUS: But I know.
KRAMPUS reveals himself between SANTA and MRS. CLAUS, his voice still amplified by the intercom’s microphone. They point the candy canes at him. The ends glow with energy.
KRAMPUS: [unfazed] Ah, a Christmas gun.
KRAMPUS: Listen, you may have cancelled Christmas, but I don’t just want to cancel Christmas, I want Krampusmas! Where we go to the houses of all the little boys and girls and we TAKE FROM THEM!
LITTLE KRAMPUS returns to circle SANTA and MRS. CLAUS.
MRS: You’ll never have Krampusmas!
KRAMPUS: [vaguely song-like] One present from every child comes to Krampus’s tum-tum. I feast on the tears of the children-nah-nah!
SNOWDROP weakly lifts his arm up, trying to get his boss’ attention. His voice is tinted in pain.
SNOWDROP: Find..the joy, Santa!
SANTA: Oh my god! Snowdrop! You’re dying?
KRAMPUS: [mocking] Aww! It took you so long to notice your main elf, because you don’t care anymore, do you Santa Claus?
SANTA rushes to SNOWDROP’s side. He writhes in pain, kicking his legs feebly.
SNOWDROP: Find the joy! With your wife..!
SANTA: Find the joy..
SNOWDROP’s eyes begin to close, SANTA holds his hand tightly. KRAMPUS makes his way toward SANTA, arms outstretched. MRS. CLAUS rushes him, tossing the candy cane gun aside in a fit of rage.
MRS: Get off of him! GET OFF OF HIM!!
MRS. CLAUS and KRAMPUS get into a scuffle. MRS. CLAUS manages to get KRAMPUS off her husband as he growls in a manic and evil manner. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long, as KRAMPUS puts MRS. CLAUS in a hold, placing his hand in front of her face to cast his magic.
KRAMPUS: You alone are nothing! Nothing little lady girl! I’m a sexist as well.
SNOWDROP’s hand twitches before his body goes still.
SANTA: Snowdrop? Snowdrop?
KRAMPUS: Looks like-
SANTA: Snowdrop’s dead.
KRAMPUS: Yes, looks like Snowdrop’s dead, and your wife…is my wife now.
KRAMPUS moves away to reveal MRS. CLAUS. Her eyes are glazed over, under KRAMPUS’s control. She robotically moves her arms to hug KRAMPUS.
KRAMPUS: You’re all alone, Mr. Santa, and nobody loves you. Nobody wants Christmas, we’re all too old for Christmas now.
SANTA approaches MRS. CLAUS and takes one of her hands. She doesn’t acknowledge it, her gaze falls on nothing.
SANTA: Darling…
In the background, LITTLE KRAMPUS trots over to SNOWDROP’s corpse, before unzipping his fly and…oh. Oh no. Ew.
KRAMPUS: Look at my little piss-boy!
LITTLE KRAMPUS lets out another kind of excrement on SNOWDROP’s body. This also proves to be too much for KRAMPUS. After this, LITTLE KRAMPUS trots off again.
KRAMPUS: No. No. Too far. Too far, Little Krampus.
SANTA pays them no attention, focusing on his wife.
SANTA: Gotta find the joy..gotta find the..
MRS. CLAUS robotically parrots SANTA’s words. An idea dawns on him. He takes her hands in his own, and softly sings..
SANTA: [singing Mariah Carey’s 1994 hit song, “All I Want For Christmas Is You”] I don’t want a lot for Christmas / There is just one thing I need..
KRAMPUS: What is this song? This wasn’t around when I was put under the ice.
SANTA: I don’t care about the presents..
KRAMPUS: Why are there new songs?
SANTA: underneath the Christmas tree..
MRS. CLAUS begins to sing along with him. Robotically at first, but sounding more clear with every lyric. Nearby elves also start to sing, and those under mind control also slowly begin to break out of it.
SANTA , MRS . CLAUS , and ELVES: I just want you for my own / more than you could ever know / make my wish come true~
At this word, KRAMPUS’s microphone makes a painful feedback noise before dying entirely. He shakes it in hopes that it will turn on again. In the corner, SNOWDROP’s chest begins to glow, before gently dipping up and down. He’s breathing!
SANTA , MRS . CLAUS , and ELVES: All I want fooor Christmaaaass~ Iiiiis~
SANTA grabs the microphone. In his hands, it works again.
SANTA , MRS . CLAUS , and ELVES: YOUUUUUUU!
MRS: Kill him now!
SANTA and MRS. CLAUS channel energy through the microphone, then point it at KRAMPUS. All three yell: the CLAUS’s with power, KRAMPUS in pain. KRAMPUS shrinks in on himself. Smaller, smaller, smaller, until he is just wisps of faint power that dissipate in the air.
SANTA: [with vitriol] AVADA KEDAVRA!
SANTA takes in the sight. His wife, holding his hand tight; SNOWDROP, alive and well, and very much NOT doing ANYTHING to ANYONE’S CORPSE; his factory, safe from the clutches of KRAMPUS and LITTLE KRAMPUS. And hey, there’s still time to get back on track for Christmas! Only 24 days left!
And Scene!