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Dave and Karkat were sprawled on the couch, as usual, each in his well-worn spot.
The day was winding down. Some dumb melodrama was playing on the TV. The one Karkat had been trying to get Dave to watch for a week straight.
And Dave, the coolest guy on Earth (allegedly), had one stupid-ass question circling in his head for the past few hours.
He finally blurted it out.
"Kat, we’ve been together for a year now, and I was just wondering.. why don’t trolls do blowjobs?"
Dave lifted his head from the cushion and turned to face his roommate-slash-boyfriend.
"What the fuck are you.. okay, no, I’m not gonna pretend I don’t know what that is. As much as I love annoying the shit out of you with pointless tangents, I’m not exactly in the mood to listen to your dumbass rambling."
Karkat paused the movie, sighed, and folded his hands over his lap like he was about to give a lecture to a particularly dense child.
"Look, you ignorant moron, troll anatomy has significant differences.."
"Dude. I know what’s in your pants. Can I just get a straight answer without the documentary voiceover?"
Dave sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and pushing his glasses down to look Karkat dead in the eye.
"You’ll just choke, dumbass, what’s not clicking? If you really know what I’ve got down there, and you do, then you should be able to figure out how the fuck my tentacle moves during stimulation. It’ll just collapse your airway completely and boom we will all mourn Earth C biggest idiot."
"Pretty sure you forgot I’m immortal."
Dave raised an eyebrow.
"I don’t think ‘troll blowjob’ is a heroic enough death."
Karkat caught the gleam in his boyfriend’s eye, took a few seconds to chew on the implications.
He knew humans played around with oral stuff a lot. He’d even tried going down on Dave a few times but not very successfully, what with all the accidental teeth. That usually brought things to a screeching halt.
He wasn’t sure he was ready for the reverse, but Dave looked disturbingly confident.
And it was Dave. Karkat never could say no to him.
He just nodded.
Dave didn’t need more.
He leaned in, and Karkat met him halfway. Their lips locked.
Both of them knew the rules of cross-species intimacy. Karkat tried to keep his teeth in check so Dave wouldn’t end up tongue-less, and Dave’s hands went instinctively to the little horns he loved stroking. He knew exactly how that kind of touch short-circuited Karkat’s brain.
He deepened the kiss, his whole body pressing into the troll, sliding his knee between Karkat’s legs until it nudged the tentacle.
He waited.
The reaction came fast.
Karkat’s pants hit the floor. His underwear followed.
Dave dropped to his knees between his partner’s legs, palms on gray thighs, fingernails digging in just enough. Karkat liked it rough.
Just a minute ago, Karkat had been unsure. Now, looking down at Dave, that filthy little smirk on his lips, all hesitation dissolved.
Dave licked his lips, adjusted his position, and ran his tongue along the tentacle.
Karkat shivered and let out a soft, approving grunt.
Human tongues were soft. Wet. Slightly rough in the best way.
Karkat decided he could absolutely get used to this.
Dave dragged his tongue from base to tip, watching Karkat's reaction the whole time.
He teased, flicking, sucking lightly, occasionally sealing his lips around it, until the tent made its own decision. It pushed into his mouth, slick and insistent, filling the space completely.
Dave tried to work his tongue the way he would with any other blowjob, savoring the taste, the weight, the heat.
Karkat whimpered, high-pitched and needy - only fueling Dave’s determination to bring him to the edge.
And just like Karkat warned, the tendril started moving on its own.
It writhed inside Dave’s mouth, pulsing, secreting slick red fluid that slid down his throat.
Breathing got harder by the second.
Dave didn’t panic. Not yet.
He adjusted, tried to bob his head a little, but the tentacle didn’t care. It moved at its own pace, stretching, retracting, coating his mouth and throat with more of that viscous heat.
Still, he pushed through his eyes closed, fingers gripping Karkat’s thighs tighter.
Karkat, meanwhile, was lost in it.
He had one hand in Dave’s hair, guiding his head, groaning like the world was ending.
Why the fuck hadn’t they done this sooner?
Dave’s mouth was everything he wanted. Wet. Warm. His.
Karkat bucked his hips, maybe a little too hard.
Dave didn’t pull back.
There were brief seconds where he managed to breathe through his nose, but those were getting fewer and farther between.
His throat burned. His chest tightened. The stuff sliding down his windpipe. Whatever it was it felt like lava.
His vision blurred. Limbs tingled.
He wasn’t scared. Not really. He knew he couldn’t die.
But his body disagreed.
Instinct kicked in.
His grip on Karkat's thighs loosened.
His knees gave out.
He slumped forward, boneless, face pressed against Karkat’s hips, right as the troll groaned through his climax.
Then silence.
A moment passed. Two. Three.
Karkat blinked.
Wait.
Wait, shit.
He looked down.
Dave wasn’t moving.
Panic shot through his veins.
“Fuck.. fuck!”
He slapped Dave’s cheeks, once, twice.. the color had drained from his face.
Karkat hauled him off the couch and rolled him onto his stomach, hands slapping his back, muttering swears and apologies and "fuck fuck fuck" on repeat.
Finally, finally, Dave coughed.
Red fluid spilled onto the floor as he dry-heaved.
His chest rose and fell, ragged. His fingers twitched.
Karkat sagged with relief.
Dave lay there for a while, staring at the mess on the floor, breathing like he’d run a marathon.
And he got it now.
He finally fucking got why trolls don’t do blowjobs.