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“This may be a bad time,” I say, “but there’s something I want to say to you.” She searches my face, her brow furrowing. I’m worrying her. I’m still in two minds about saying this, and I’m suddenly nervous. But I press on.
“I just want to thank you” I continue, closing my eyes to concentrate. “A group of scientists told you that my genes were damaged, that there was something wrong with me- they even showed you test results to prove it. And I even started to believe it”.
I inhale deeply, trying to keep my emotions in check; even now, I’m afraid of seeming too vulnerable. To ground myself I touch her face and meet her gaze.
“You never believed it,” I say. “Not for a second. You always insisted that I was... I don’t know, whole”.
Tris stares back at me, as strong and certain as I’ve ever seen her. She grasps my hand. “Well, you are.”
My chest feels tight as I whisper, “no one has ever told me that before”. It feels like a confession.
“It’s what you deserve to hear” she replies, fiercer now, emotion clouding her face. “That you’re whole, that you’re worth loving, that you’re the best person I’ve ever known.”
I’ve waited a life time to hear it- that I’m valued, and needed, and loved... and now here it is, from the mouth of the bravest and most breathtaking woman I’ve ever met. It’s too much to bear and words can’t do it justice: I kiss her.
And it’s as if I’ve ignited her. She’s kissing me back, harder than ever, as if she wants to erase any space between us. She grips my shirt to pull me even closer, our whole bodies pressed together. I’m so focused on the sensation of her body touching the length of mine that it takes me a minute to realise she’s pushing me, moving us along the hall towards an unused room.
She kicks the door shut behind us and locks it. I’ve seen this side of her before, briefly, in the few moment we’ve managed to spend alone, but now she’s so sure and assertive it’s intoxicating. Her hands are in my hair and on my chest and before I can catch by breath my shirt is over my head and on the floor.
I feel a wave of longing for her that I’ve never felt before, not this strongly. In the past, I’ve always held something back, a part of me remaining detached and in control. But now, I feel that there are no more barriers between us, not a fear, not a desire, not a vulnerable part of me that she doesn’t know. And although I can feel her hands shaking as she draws them over my chest and down my back, I recognise that phenomenon I saw in her during the first days of training, the thing that first drew me to her. She’s facing her fear, and it’s lighting her up.
I kiss her again, my hands finding her shirt, and she helps me to remove it. In the low light, her pale skin is luminous. I stand for a second to drink her in, every inch of her- the three birds in flight along her collar bone, the Dauntless and Abnegation symbols anointing each shoulder, then further down, across the gentle curve of each breast, the firm plane of her stomach. I’m aware that I’m staring and smile, then in one stride I am before her, I’m touching her, and the only word in my head is beautiful, so I whisper it against her skin.
I bring my mouth back to hers and fit my hands to her waist, then move them lower, my fingers tracing the curve of her hips, and I dare to slip them under the waistband of her jeans. She replies by leaning in to me and without meaning to, I gasp. She smiles at me. “I love you, you know” she says.
“I know,” I reply.
On an impulse I pick her up and carry her to the couch. She’s so slight it’s no effort to throw her over my shoulder, and I’m struck by how much she must trust me, when I can so easily overpower her. She laughs a little as I drop her, but as I lie down next to her, her eyes are serious. She runs her hand along the flames that mark my ribcage, all hesitation gone, and then kisses me firmly. I know then that there is no turning back for us. It’s like our own kind of gravity, this force that’s pulling us together. Even if you separated us by a thousand miles there’s nothing in the world that would stop us falling back to each other again.
I roll on to my back and she moves with me, one fluid motion that ends with her lying on top of me. The pressure of her body against mine is so intense that my breath catches in my throat. I make myself breathe deeply, inhaling her scent as I do. She bends her head to kiss my shoulder, my collarbone, my chest. I crane up and kiss her neck, gently at first, then harder, burying my head into the curve of her shoulder.
She sits up and shuffles down me a little, and I realise she is unbuttoning my jeans. I let her, taking a second to gaze up at her, an ethereal silhouette against the dim light. I raise my hips and help her take them off me, and she lies back down at my side, supported on one arm, the other free to trace a delicious line from my chest, down my stomach, ending just short of my groin. Now that I’m down to my underwear, it’s clear to anyone the effect she’s having on me. I should feel self-conscious, with her eyes moving over my body and taking me in, but I’m not. Everything she’s said has proved to me that I’m worthy of her, and that I don’t need to be afraid.
I turn onto my side to face her, one hand sliding along her jaw and into her hair, the other on the small of her back, pulling her into me. We kiss deeply, our mouths open, and when I feel her hand moving against my stomach I know she is unbuttoning her jeans too. I release her so she can take them off. Her jeans are tight, and her underwear is coming down with them, so I quickly pull mine off too. And that’s it, we’re naked in front of each other, and there’s a moment where neither of us seems sure what to do. But then she smiles, her eyes flicking down the length of my exposed body, and lies back next to me.
“Is this ok?” she whispers, her face so close to mine that I can feel her breathing. I smile back at her.
“Of course it is...” I reply, and I’m about to add that it’s perfect, but I realise that it isn’t, not really. We’re in a dusty room, on a cramped couch. But it is what it is. We’re two people in a dangerous world, stealing one last moment together before we risk our lives, yet again. So no. It’s not perfect, but it’s important and it’s real and it’s happening now. For us, it was probably never going to be any other way.
She places a hand on my chest and says, “Your heart’s racing.” I grin and allow myself to glance down and take her in, then lock eyes with her again. “I wonder why?” I reply with a raise of my eyebrows. She smiles again, shyly, and closes the tiny gap between our lips, kissing me very gently.
I kiss her back in kind, my teeth grazing her lower lip, and as I do so she sighs and moves closer so that every inch of us is touching and our legs are entwined. We’ve slowed down, but every movement we make is deliberate and laced with purpose. I run my hand down her back and over the curve of her butt. Her skin is cool and smooth as marble, but she’s muscular and firm. I’m trying to be gentle but she feels incredible and I grasp her firmly. I continue down her thigh. She’s doing the same, caressing my back and my butt. She brings her hand around to my stomach and finally she’s touching me there, and it’s electrifying.
I trace my hand down her breast, her stomach, then carry on and slip my fingers gently between her legs. She gasps quietly and I’m unsure for a second, but then she’s guiding my hand with hers, more firmly and more deeply. She shifts onto her back, pulling me with her so I’m lying over her, her beautiful face framed by the tangle of her gold hair. I lower myself to her, and she guides me, and then there is nothing else in the world except the two of us, we are kissing, and falling, and flying, and living.
We are four, and six, and ten.
Together, we’re invincible.