Archive of Our Own

Eddie didn’t like the couch Buck had chosen. Actually, it was probably a perfectly fine couch, it just wasn’t lived in. There weren’t even dents in the cushions yet, even though Eddie had been sleeping on it nearly every night for two weeks.

Buck had tried his hardest to get Eddie to sleep in his bedroom. He had told him that he was just subletting, that this was always going to be Eddie’s house. That hadn’t helped Eddie with the feelings that LA was home. But, ever since the funeral, Eddie couldn’t help but feel like a guest. It wasn’t the house. It was Buck. Buck who wouldn’t give Eddie an inch when it came to letting him know how he was actually feeling. Buck who, instead of being Buck and pushing like only he could, was asking clinical, Google-copied questions to measure Eddie’s grief, and probably the whole 118’s. Buck who was spiraling. 

That’s why Eddie didn’t like this couch. He couldn’t get comfortable. He couldn’t sleep. The faint glow coming from the night light in the kitchen was mocking him, haunting him even. He had been harsh, too harsh, too close to cruel. He hadn’t meant for it to come across that way.

He had wanted to get under Buck’s skin. Crack the facade. He had wanted the dam to burst, for Buck to break down. That way, Eddie could’ve too. He wanted Buck to know he wasn’t alone and to be sure that he wasn’t either. All he wanted was for Buck to let him in. 

It hadn’t worked. They didn’t say a word to each other after and separately got ready for bed. Buck had turned off all the lights and hadn’t even said goodnight. How could Eddie keep messing up this badly? 

He was pulled out of his head by a noise coming from the bedroom. Maybe Buck was awake too. Maybe he could have a chance to fix this before the sun rose. He quietly made his way down the hall. He thought about knocking, but his hand had already turned the knob and cracked the door open before he realized what he was doing. 

Buck wasn’t awake. He was fitfully moving in the bed, unmistakably muttering Bobby’s name. The pitch and tone of his voice gave away the fact that he was begging Bobby for something. Buck was crying in his sleep. Eddie started to move toward the bed. He wanted to help, he had to. 

Then, Buck shifted. Apparently, so did his nightmare. Bobby’s name was replaced with Christopher’s. The urgency remained the same. Eddie froze. He had no idea what to do. Why was Buck having a nightmare about his son? Was this new or had this been going on for years? Did Buck know that Eddie had similar nightmares in the exact same place? If it had been any other time, Eddie could’ve fixed this. He’d gently wake Buck up, lead him down the hall and open the door to Chris’ room, shown him that he was perfectly safe, just like he had done for himself a hundred times over. But Chris wasn’t down the hall. He was in Texas, hundreds of miles away. Eddie couldn’t fix this. He felt sick. He stepped out of the room and went back to the couch. He looked at his phone, he still had a few hours before Christopher would be awake, but he knew what he had to do. He immediately began looking for flights.

Chris had wanted to visit Shannon before they went back to El Paso. They had a couple hours before Eddie’s goodbye party and it wasn’t like Eddie was ever going to tell him no. 

Eddie made sure to stay a few feet back from the bench in front of her grave. He leaned against a tree as his son talked to his mother, looking at his feet, the leaves above him, anywhere that wasn’t right in front of him. Chris was old enough that he deserved to have his own time with her. 

A few weeks prior, he had made it clear to Eddie that he didn’t want to go to Bobby’s funeral. Honestly, it came as a shock. Christopher loved Bobby and Eddie knew that the opposite was just as true.

“I want to remember him like he was," he had supplied quietly as an explanation and Eddie knew there was no point in pushing his son. His son, who, though he was a teenager now, was still way too young to have dealt with as much loss as he had. Those words sounded much too wise and adjusted and it had broken Eddie’s heart all over again. 

When he had called Chris early in the morning, the morning after his and Buck’s fight, he was again shocked with how eager his son was to come and visit LA, especially when he mentioned that Buck would really like to see him. Then, when he saw how the two interacted after months apart, after a tragedy, how they had both lit up, everything once again made sense. 

Eddie glanced at his son fondly, that’s when he noticed, there were flowers at Shannon’s grave, fresh ones. Ones that he hadn’t brought. Pink tulips -- her favorites. She didn’t have any family in LA and he hadn’t told anyone that knew him what her favorite flowers had been. The flowers he had picked to give her on their first date. The flowers that had acted as one of the few decorations at their wedding that was hastily put together. How were they there? How long had they been there?

“Dad?”

Eddie blinked before walking over to Chris, “Yeah?”

“Can we talk?”

He took that as an invitation to sit down, “Of course.”

“Who was Kim?”

Shit. “I-” he sighed, “She was a friend.”

“She looked just like mom.”

“I know.”

“Is that why you two were friends?”

There was no point in lying to him now. Lying is what got the two of them in this position in the first place. “Yes. Honestly, I didn’t even mean to become friends with her. I just- I saw her and she looked just like your mother. And I missed your mother so much. I still do. Every single day. I guess I thought if I could talk to her, to Kim, maybe it would help me not miss her so much. And Kim, she was so kind and understanding, but she wasn’t Shannon. She tried to help me grieve, help me process it all. That’s- That’s what you walked in on and I’m so sorry, Christopher. I’m so sorry that I made you go through that. I’ll never forgive myself for that.” 

He didn’t have the strength to look his son in the eye and Chris didn’t respond right away, obviously processing it. Then:

“I forgive you.”

He looked at him, tears in his eyes, “What?”

“I forgive you. I still miss her. You still miss her. You didn’t mean to hurt me, I know that now.”

Once again, in that moment, Eddie realized that his kid would never cease to amaze him.

There were a few more beats of silence before Chris spoke up again, “I don’t like how Grandma and Grandpa talk about her. They said she wasn’t a good mom. It was always when they thought I couldn’t hear or that I wasn’t listening, but I could and I was.”

“They’re wrong, so wrong.”

“I know… Before you came to Texas, they- they used to say things that made me think that you didn’t want to be my dad anymore.”

It’s a mumbled admission and Eddie felt a rage unlike anything he’d felt before bubble up in his chest.

He moved to hold his son’s face in his hands, “Christopher, getting to be your dad is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everything else comes second to that. I love you so much, mijo. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever change that. Do you understand?”

A nod came first, then Chris hugged his father as tightly as he could. “I love you, too.”

Eddie waited for Chris to let go. It took longer than one would expect from a teenager, but he would’ve happily waited forever.

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

“Always.”

After a few more minutes, Chris got up and started walking back to the car. Eddie stood to follow him. Then, he quickly knelt down to the grave and kissed where Shannon’s name was engraved on the stone. 

“Thank you,” he whispered before standing and following his son. 

He drove them back to the entryway before parking by the little building next to the gate. 

“I’ll be right back,” he assured, earning a nod in response.

He got out of the car and walked inside, where he was greeted by a younger woman who perfectly fit the stereotype of someone who seemed like they’d enjoy working at a cemetery. Unnaturally colored hair, piercings, tattoos peeking out from under dark clothing. The nametag stuck out, “Joy”

In the back of his mind, Eddie realized the multiple layers of irony active in the moment. 

“Hi, how can I help you?”

“Hi, um, I- I have a bit of an odd question.”

“Well, now I’m curious.

He chuckled a bit, “Does anyone, like from an organization or something, come and put flowers out on the graves?”

“Your definition of odd is odd. But, unless the person is a veteran or something, usually not. Why do you ask?”

“I- Um, there were flowers on a grave I was visiting and I don’t think there would be anyone else who’d bring her flowers is all.”

“Uh,” she looked at the monitor next to her on the desk, “What’s the name?”

“Diaz. Shannon Diaz.”

“Oh, that’s the firefighter’s grave.”

She said it so simply, so matter-of-factly, as if Eddie shouldn’t be completely shocked by it. 

“What?”

“This firefighter from one of the local firehouses, big dude, curly hair, scar on his face, probably drives straight girls crazy.”

“It’s a birthmark,” Eddie said without meaning to. 

“Do you know him?”

“Uh…Yeah.”

“Cool. Yeah, there’s a few people that come regularly enough that I recognize them. He’s been coming every two weeks since I started working here, so at least five years. He’s hard to miss. Pink tulips on the first and fifteenth. I can count on one hand the times he’s missed a day. It’s sad. From what I can put together, he lost her in the tsunami. Usually he just puts the flowers on her grave and then leaves, but over the last few months, he’s been sticking around a bit more. One time he was here for like three hours. Sorry, that’s a lot of information you probably didn’t need, not a lot of people come in here. But, I’ve seen a lot of people come through those gates. She really had to matter to him if I recognize him.”

The universe does not scream.

“Right, um, thank you.”

Joy nods, “Of course, have a good day.”

He nods back and leaves, returning to the car.

“No… I put in for transfer.”

Eddie looked around the room. This has to be a joke , or at least Buck’s attempt at one. He’s getting back at Eddie for the note he left. Everyone else looked just as shocked.

“Out of the 118?” Eddie tried, giving Buck a chance to retract his statement. 

Instead, Buck barely looked at him when he responded, “It’s just a number now.”

The realization sent a chill down Eddie’s spine. He’s serious , Buck was being serious. He was going to leave the 118. Part of him was wondering if this is how Buck felt when Eddie announced he was leaving a few years back, the other part of him was wondering just how long ago he had put in his request.

Ravi beats Eddie to the punch, by the look on his face, betrayal, Eddie knows he was missing some context.

“When did you decide to do that?”

Buck doesn’t look at Eddie at all this time, “Late last week.”

The dates match up. After their fight.

“Buck-” he tries, but he’s interrupted by the alarm’s blare filling the station. 

Within a minute, it was just him and Christopher left in the loft.

“Hey, Dad?”

“Yeah, Chris?”

“Can we stay in LA?”

He looks at his son, it’s his second time being caught off guard in a matter of minutes, “What?”

“I want to stay in LA… If that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay.”

“I’ve been wanting to move back for weeks. Before I even came to visit. Before…”

Before Bobby.

“Why are you telling me now?”

“I was gonna tell you, but then you got the job offer and I didn’t want to mess anything up after everything. But…”

He was surprised by how quickly his son went quiet. “But what, Chris?”

“Buck needs us.”

The universe does not scream.

And just like that, he was making a call to Captain Morales.

Buck thought he was imagining it at first, the voice. Eddie’s voice. Apparently Ravi was in the same boat, because the way he asked Eddie’s name into the radio was incredulous to say the least.

“I was watching the news, had a bit of FOMO…”

Yeah, it was definitely Eddie.

Buck’s brain caught up just in time as his fingers pressed the button on his radio, “Uh, where are you?”

“Right in front of you.”

Buck looked up and made eye contact with a smiling Eddie right as the other man filled the two of them in on his exact location and the plan he had come up with. It was then, at what was probably the most inopportune time, it clicked.

Tommy was right.

In response, Buck had no choice but to duck. He heard the line get planted into the rubble on their end and immediately he and Ravi worked to get Flint secure and launch him to safety. They waited for the man’s screaming to stop and see him land on the other side. 

Buck helped Ravi get fastened in as the building began to groan again. 

“Wait, Buck-”

“Go, go, just go, I’m right behind you.” He sent him down the line, waiting for him to reach the other end.

Honestly, he didn’t trust what he’d do when he got to safety. He fastened himself to the line, waiting for the go-ahead. He kept his eyes on Eddie. Eddie, who he was in love with. Eddie who, for some reason, was still here. Right there. Right when the 118 needed him. Right when Buck needed him. He had asked Bobby for a sign.

Thanks, Pops , he thought as he was just about to launch himself. 

After weeks and hundreds of miles and a funeral and a fight and distance, so much distance, they were right across from each other.

The building sounded off again, much uglier, this time, paired with shaking. Buck locked eyes with Eddie before the world fell out from underneath him. 

“Buck!”

The universe does not scream. But Eddie did.

Eddie remembered what it felt like to get struck by lightning. He never talked about it, because technically, the ladder had gotten struck by lightning, he had just been holding onto it. He remembered feeling like he was on fire. But, it also felt like he was made of stone. His body was stiff while his heart was hammering. He blinked and he was on the ground, the fire had subsided, he forced his body to move. His eyes looked up and saw Buck, hanging, lifeless, as the rain refused to care, still pouring. Then, he was climbing. He had to get to Buck. He should have known then.

Maybe he did. He was certain now. His body rushed to the edge of the roof without thinking. Something stopped him. Someone. Ravi.

“Come on. Come on, this way!”

Eddie nodded, following Ravi’s lead. He felt like he was existing outside of his body. He had to get to Buck. Once he was on the ground, he immediately made a beeline for the engine, grabbing a med bag and slinging it over his shoulder before making his way to the rubble that had been an apartment building mere hours ago. 

“Diaz!” Gerrard shouted. “We’re evacuating. Get back here, now!”

“You’re not my captain,” he replied, as if that was enough of an explanation. He wasn’t going to listen to anyone. Buck wouldn’t have listened. All Eddie could think of was Buck. Buck who was trapped under floors full of rubble. Buck who was alone. Buck who felt alone. Buck who needed his family. Buck who he wouldn’t allow to be dead. 

As he ascended the rubble, he alternated between shouting for Buck and using the radio. It felt like it took hours, days, months, years, to find the pocket in the concrete. He was out of practice. The light of the sun hit it perfectly. Eddie could see part of a helmet, the too-familiar number only partially visible.

“Buck!” he shouted again, his voice was raw now, but he didn’t care. “I’m here. I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m coming,” he assured, the words spilling rapidly from his lips as he began pulling at the rubble with his hands. He didn’t care that Buck wasn’t responding, he was going to get him out of this. He was going to get Buck home. Home to the house with the kitchen that was too small for how much Buck liked to cook and bake these days, the kitchen with the refrigerator full of magnets. Home to Pepa and Christopher. Home to the 118, because that’s where Buck and Eddie belonged, nowhere else. The home that Bobby had made for both of them, for all of them and the home they had made for each other, without even realizing. Their home in LA. 

Once he had made a wide enough opening, he carefully descended into the pocket. As much as he wanted to rush to Buck, he knew that if he moved too quickly, he risked causing more rubble to shift. He risked injuring Buck even more. 

Streaks of light flooded into the gap as Eddie looked around, his eyes landing on his best friend.

In any other circumstance, Buck would’ve looked beautiful, almost like a statue in a museum. Frozen in time. So still, too still. 

“Buck?”

The name came out as a whisper this time, a plea. 

This wasn’t Eddie’s best friend. Buck was always buzzing with energy, even when he was exhausted. He was loud without saying a word. Any time he entered a room, he brought a charge with him. He had a gift for making a room feel whole. Eddie couldn’t believe he had taken it for granted again. Even after Bobby, Buck’s energy might have felt different or off, but it was there. The stillness was worse, so much worse. 

Eddie cautiously took a step forward. 

Buck was only visible from the chest up. Everything else was covered by concrete from where Eddie was standing. His face was caked in dust. There was blood coming from Buck’s forehead. The two elements met at the corner of his brow, hiding his birthmark. 

If things had been different, if he hadn’t seen the building collapse with his own eyes, Eddie wouldn’t believe this was Buck at all.

It came out as a whisper again, “Evan?”

Buck was sitting at the foot of the dinner table in the station. He didn’t remember how he got there, but the entire station was empty, not just the table or the loft. It was quiet, too quiet. It made his skin itch and he struggled to take a breath.

He had to get out of here. He tried to stand, but his body seemed to be stuck in the seat. He couldn’t really feel his body at all. Something was wrong, panic began to take root in his stomach. 

“Easy there, kid.”

Buck looked up and was greeted by the person he wanted to see the most, sitting at the head of the table, right where he belonged.

“Bobby?”

“Expecting someone else?”

The light came in through the windows just right, it seemed to almost form a halo around Bobby’s head.

Oh. His mind was mocking him.

“How-?”

“You were being Buck… or reckless. Take your pick.”

“I did what I had to do. What you wanted me to do.”

“What I wanted?”

“I was taking care of the team.”

“By getting yourself killed?” he said, raising his eyebrow accusingly. Buck missed getting scolded by his captain like this.

“No, I-”

“This isn’t what I wanted for you. Hell, this is what I tried to prevent for years. I’m barely in the ground and you’re hellbent on following me, huh?”

This wasn’t Bobby. Apparently, even as he was dying, Buck’s brain couldn’t afford him the kindness of a sense of comfort. But also, it was Bobby. He was close enough. Buck could make his mind fill the other seats, make things right again, fix it. 

“You were wrong. They don’t need me.”

“You sure about that?”

Suddenly, the station’s speakers came to life. “Come on, Buck! Come on! Wake up, damn it! Evan, you’ve gotta wake up!”

Eddie.  

Buck felt pressure on his sternum. Sensation was coming back to his body. He felt something on his forehead but couldn’t move his hands to wipe it away. He looked down as drops of red began to hit the table.

“What?”

“Looks like it's time for you to wake up, Buck.”

He looked back up at Bobby, this could be good enough if he tried. “No, I- I love you too, Bobby.”

“I know, kid.”

Eddie had been a medic in the military, he’d seen combat, been shot twice. He knew what to do when people were in the state that Buck was in. But, that was the problem. This wasn’t just anyone. This was Buck. Buck who he was in love with. Buck who loved Christopher like his own. Buck who had been there when Eddie needed him the most. Buck who had subletted his house and had always answered his FaceTime calls. 

He walked over to him, getting a closer look. He knelt down next to him. He raised his hand to Buck’s face, his throat dry, his head spinning. He carefully took his thumb and wiped Buck’s birthmark clean. Once he saw the familiar pink, Eddie let out a shuddering breath, his vision blurring. 

He blinked away the tears. He knew what he had to do next and let his soldier mentality take over. He closed his eyes and placed his fingers on the side of Buck’s neck.

“Please,” he whispered. 

His answer was a weak shift under his fingers. It was enough. 

A few stray tears fell as he pressed the button on his radio. “I found him! I found Buck! We need an extraction team here now! His pulse is thready but there. Currently unresponsive.”

“Alright, Eddie,” Chimney responded. “It’s gonna take us some time to get to you. You’re gonna have to fully examine him and let us know what we’re working with, But, first, try and get him talking. If you can get him talking, the better chances we have.”

“Okay, just- Hurry.”

He released the button and immediately began rubbing on Buck’s sternum. “Come on, come on, please…” He was getting desperate, “Come on, Buck! Come on! Wake up, damn it! Evan, you’ve gotta wake up!”

As if on cue, Buck’s eyes shot open and he began coughing harshly. Then he groaned as he seemed to become aware of every part of his body. 

“Buck, you’ve gotta breathe with me.” He refused to take his eyes off of him now.

“Eds?”

“Yeah, it’s me, Buck. Just breathe.”

“Hurts.”

“I know. They’re getting to us as fast as they can. We’ll have you out of here in no time.”

“Are you real?” Buck asked, slowly becoming more lucid. 

That confused Eddie and broke his heart at the same time. “Yeah, Buck.”

“How?”

“Came and found you. Had to have your back, it’s what we do.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” he replied simply. “Now, let’s see what we’re working with, huh?”

Truthfully, Eddie was terrified about what was waiting for him under the slabs of concrete. As it was, Eddie could convince himself that everything was going to be fine. But, it was never that easy, not for him. He looked away from Buck, noting that he had what looked like three pieces he had to move. 

“I made everything about me again, didn’t I?”

Eddie could tell that Buck was trying to lighten the mood. Instead, all he could think of was the fact that Buck had half a building fall on top of him and all he was thinking about was something Eddie had said in the heat of the moment. When he was angry, he tended to forget how Buck worked. Buck hung onto everything that anyone ever said to him. Eddie had wanted to get under Buck’s skin and it had worked too well. He swore to himself that he was going to apologize once they got out of this. 

“Yeah, you did, but that’s alright as long as you stay awake for me, okay?”

“Okay.”

Eddie strained himself as he began to shift the rubble. It was a slow process. He had to make sure he didn’t accidentally make the pocket close on both of them. Once he moved the first piece, it freed Buck’s legs, which, thankfully, seemed to be in good shape. Eddie knew how much trouble Buck’s bad leg caused him to this day. He was glad that this didn’t seem like it would add to that. 

“Buck, can you move your toes for me?”

“Uh huh.”

Eddie didn’t look at him as his feet stayed still. “Good, Buck, good.” Shit.

He moved to the next piece, the smallest of the three. With a grunt, he moved it out of the way, releasing Buck’s right hand, the hand Eddie had held the last time he was trapped. 

“Alright, Buck, fingers now.” 

After a beat, they twitched and Eddie was ready to thank God for the miniscule movement. “Good.”

“Eddie…”

“One more, Buck. You’re doing so good.” He still wasn’t looking at him. 

He shouldn’t have moved it. As soon as he did, he was filled with dread. There was a piece of rebar poking out of his best friend’s abdomen and the entire space around it was dark red.

He ripped open the med bag, packing the wound with gauze as he spoke into the radio. “He’s got rebar through the abdomen, possible spinal damage. We’re going to need the saw and a blood transfusion ready.”

Then, he looked back at Buck. His eyes were closed.

“No, no, no.” He crashed down next to him, quickly tapping his face. “None of that Buck, come on. Eyes open. You know the drill.”

Buck’s eyes slowly opened back up, hazy and unfocused. “Eds?”

“Yeah, Buck, I’m right here.”

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” he whispered.

Eddie shook his head, “No, you’re going to be fine. I’m going to get you out of here.”

“It’s okay, Eddie. You were here, you did everything you could. It’s okay.” Buck was comforting him, despite everything. 

“Hey, don’t talk like that. We’re both getting out of here.”

Buck was trying to smile, though his lips barely shifted. “Yeah, gotta get you back to Texas.”

“No, Buck, I’m staying. And I need my partner, so you have to stay too, alright?”

“I know that trick. Trying to keep me in good spirits, huh, Eds?”

Even half-conscious, Buck could recall protocol, because of course he could. 

“No, Buck. It’s the truth. I’m trying to be more honest these days.”

And just like that, some focus returned to Evan Buckley’s eyes, “What?”

“Chris wants to stay. So we’re staying.”

“Eds…” The moment was gone, he was drifting again. “Y’know I tried, right? I did everything I could.” He was crying now, tears mixing with blood and dirt. “For Bobby. I-I tried. I really did.”

In that moment, Eddie felt like the guilt could swallow him whole. He thought about how that had probably been eating Buck alive since the second he said it. “God, Buck, I-I’m so sorry. I know. Of course , you did.”

“He said the team would need me. But everyone had someone else. They’ll be okay.” His eyes shut again. 

“Hey.” Eddie fully grabbed Buck’s face and shook him. He was met with a whimper and Buck’s eyes reopening. “Chris needs you.” A beat. “ I need you, Buck. So you’re gonna fight like hell and we’re going to get out of here and then we’re gonna go home. Understand?”

“Eds…” It comes out more like a breath than an actual word.

“ Evan , do you understand?”

“Yes, Eddie.”

“Good.”

Eddie shifted and sat down, using one hand to put pressure on Buck’s abdomen and the other to hold his hand. Buck didn’t say anything, but it was obvious that he was holding onto Eddie’s hand as tightly as he could currently manage. 

“Alright, Buck, now’s not the time to get quiet, okay? You’ve got my undivided attention. Talk my ear off.”

“I went to confession.”

“What? Did you miss me so bad that you tried out being Catholic?”

There’s a huff, in any other context, Eddie knew it would’ve been a laugh. He liked making Buck laugh. 

“I didn’t like it.”

“Yeah, I don’t recommend it.”

“Father Brian was nice, though.”

“You did confession with Father Brian?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, we have something in common. I didn’t like it either. He ended up seeing me in public and told me I didn’t think I was worthy of joy. I decided that I didn’t want to give it another shot after that.”

“You didn’t need to talk to Father Brian to hear that. I’ve been to enough therapy. I could’ve told you that.”

Eddie scoffed, “Easy there, Buckley.”

“Sorry, but he’s not wrong.”

“I told you that you could talk about anything and you decided you wanted to talk about me?”

“You’re my best friend. I like to talk about you.”

Eddie looked at his lap for a moment, waiting for the blush and shock to subside before looking at Buck again.

“Chris has gotten really tall, Eds.”

“I know. He’s growing up too fast.”

“Yeah, I think he’s getting too old to think I’m cool anymore.”

“Hey, Chris loves you. He needs you, remember?”

I love you. I need you.

“Right, yeah.”

“Hey, I didn’t force him to get on that plane. He was basically jumping out of his skin waiting for you to get home. He planned the whole thing, where I was standing, Pepa waiting in the kitchen. She’ll attest to it. He was acting like a kid again.”

“Really?”

There’s something in his tone. Surprise. Eddie hates it. “Yes, really, Buck. You’re one of the reasons he gave for wanting to stay.”

“I love him.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

Eddie noted how the gauze was starting to be bled through, how Buck’s speech had slowly become more slurred, how Buck was struggling to keep his eyes open. He squeezed his hand tighter.

“They’re going to be here soon. You’re doing so good, Buck.”

“Eds, it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

He chose to ignore Buck this time so that he didn’t accidentally lash out at him.

“Buck, why didn’t you tell me about the flowers?”

“Flowers?”

“The flowers for Shannon.”

“Oh…sorry.”

“No, I- Buck, you’ve been doing it for years and you’ve never told me.”

“I love Chris. When we were on the pier, before the tsunami, we passed this flower vendor. He told me the tulips, the pink ones, were her favorite. Makes sense, they symbolize love, affection, caring, even good wishes. Did you know that?”

“No, no, I didn’t.” There he was, Buck. The Buck that had been hiding behind a wall, buried since Eddie had come back to LA.

“Well, anyway… After everything, after I thought I lost him and got him back, I felt like I needed to thank her. Then, it just kinda became a habit. And when you and Chris went back to Texas, I wanted to make sure she didn’t feel alone.”

He felt alone. “Buck…”

“It’s okay, Eddie. You came back. Christopher’s back. Back where you belong.”

Eddie was crying again, looking at his best friend. “Buck-” 

“Eddie,” Buck’s breaths were getting more shallow, his voice weaker. “Eds, I have to tell you something.”

He shook his head, “Buck, you’re not allowed to say goodbye. Not for a long time.”

“Eds…”

Buck’s grip on Eddie’s hand loosened as his eyes fluttered shut. 

“Buck. Buck! No, no, Buck! Come on, wake up. Wake up!”

“Found them!”

Ravi. Ravi came into view, followed almost immediately by Hen and Chimney. The three of them took over for Eddie. Eddie’s focus was on Buck, only Buck. He took his hands and wrapped them around Buck’s. Without thinking, he kissed his knuckles. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s okay. They’re here. We’re here. We’re gonna get you out. Just hang on. We’re so close. You’ve gotta hold on. Chris and I need you, remember? I love you, Evan. ”

Everything was a blur. He didn’t know how much time had passed when his mind woke up again. Sure, he had been awake, he had been moved but when he tried to recall the specifics, it was all blank. 

He blinked and he was in a bathroom. One of those big, family ones. He had been in one with Chris plenty of times. It was sterile and he saw a call button. He was at the hospital. Something wet came into contact with his face. A paper towel.

He blinked again and Maddie was in front of him, gently reaching up and wiping his face. “Maddie?” He wasn’t even sure he had actually said that out loud until she responded. 

“Hi, Eddie. Are you with me?” She asked it so gently. He recognized the tone, he’d used it with his sisters and Christopher so many times. 

He nodded. Looking at her, it was easy to tell that it had truly been months since Eddie had been in LA. Sure, Buck had rambled about his coming nephew, but looking at her made it all the more real. 

“Good. Buck’s in surgery. We’ve been waiting for a few hours. Chris is with Pepa.”

“Thank you.”

She looked at him with tears in her eyes, “Thank you for saving him.”

“I love him.” The words come out before he can stop them. 

Maddie threw the paper towel in the trash can before wrapping him in a tight hug. “I know.” The two words are mumbled into his shoulder. 

He pulled away, “How?”

She chuckled and the noise was so different but also just like Buck’s laugh. “I had my suspicions pretty soon after I came to LA. But, it wasn’t until after I had Jee that I was sure.” She took a breath before continuing, seeming to realize that Eddie hadn’t quite gotten it yet. “I love our big family. I’d trust any of you with Jee, but there’s no one I’d trust with her more than Howie. And that’s not because he’s her biological father. It’s because of how much I love him.”

“Christopher.”

She nodded, “Christopher.”

“I have to tell him.”

“And you will. We just have to wait a little longer. You ready to go out there?”

He took a deep breath before nodding. 

She unlocked the door and went to open it. “And just so you know, I like you better than any of his exes.”

They both smile. They aren’t full smiles, but Eddie knows that he isn’t alone in the burden of waiting. Maddie and everyone in the waiting room were carrying it with him. His team. His family.

The sun set and rose again before they were done waiting. Athena, Hen, Karen, Chimney, and Ravi had all gone home at some point in the night. Eddie and Maddie, however, had stayed. At some point, Maddie had taken Eddie’s hand and hadn’t let it go yet. This didn’t bother Eddie in the slightest. It kept him grounded so he didn’t drift away again or slip into a panic attack. He was so thankful for her. 

“Family of Evan Buckley?”

The two of them looked at each other before standing up, still holding hands. 

The doctor walked over to them. “It was touch and go for a while. But, he pulled through. He’s got a long road ahead of him, but right now things are looking very promising, all things considered.”

“Can we see him?” Maddie asked.

The doctor nodded, “He should be coming off of sedation now. I’ll take you to his room.”

That was when Maddie’s hand finally fell from Eddie’s. They were both trying not to outrun the doctor as she led them down a few long hallways. 

Once they finally reached the room, Maddie immediately rushed to his side. She whispered a few soothing words. Eddie wasn’t sure exactly what she was saying to him, but he did hear “Evan” a few times. 

Eddie couldn’t get his feet to move him away from right by the door. He found himself just staring at Buck. Buck, who he was in love with. Buck who had survived. Buck, who had a cast on his left arm and wires coming from his chest and just about everywhere else. Buck, whose face was bruised, but his birthmark still looked the exact same. Buck, whose eyes were still closed. 

“Eddie.” There Maddie was again, being gentle. “It’s okay. He’s okay. Get over here.”

She pulled two chairs away from the wall, one for him and one for herself.

Eddie took a few breaths before coming over and sitting down. Maddie is there for a few more minutes before going to make the necessary calls to everyone else. She squeezed Eddie’s shoulder before leaving the room. 

He watched her leave before turning his attention back to Buck.

“I’m here,” he whispered, taking a hold of Buck’s hand, squeezing it. “You’re okay. We’re okay.”

After that, he just sits there, watching Buck, content. Minutes pass, maybe hours. Then, he feels the hand he’s holding try to return the pressure. 

“Buck?” he asked gently, tears immediately coming to his eyes.

Buck’s brow furrowed before he let out a little hum in response.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay.” Eddie reached forward and pushed a loose curl out of Buck’s face. 

“Eds?” It’s a whisper and it’s the best thing Eddie thinks he’s ever heard.

“Yeah, Buck?”

It took a minute, but Buck opened his eyes, letting out a sigh as he did. “What happened?”

“What do you remember?”

“I fell. We were talking about Chris and tulips.” He paused for a moment, “You’re- Are you staying?”

Eddie chuckled, “Yes, Buck. I’m staying. I’m never going anywhere ever again.”

He looked at Eddie now, “I scared you that bad, huh?”

“Yes, you did?”

“Sorry…”

“You’ve got to stop saying that. I’m the one that’s sorry. I shouldn’t have said the things I did and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. You’ve always been there for me, for the team. You always try your best to take care of all of us. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t appreciate it, appreciate you.”

“Eddie…”

“I thought I lost you. I can’t lose you .”

Buck squeezed Eddie’s hand again. “I’m not going anywhere, Eddie. I promise.”

He sighed, “Good. Because, I love you, Evan. ”

He was looking at Eddie wide-eyed. 

Eddie refuses to brush it off or take it back. He was tired of running away from joy. He was tired of lying. Lying to himself and everyone else. He was tired of waiting. 

“I love you, too, Eddie.”

“Oh, thank god,” Eddie let out in relief before quickly leaning over the bed and gently caressing Buck’s face before bringing their lips together. 

Suddenly, the universe’s scream sounds like joy. Pure joy.