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The first time I had seen Ren smile, I remember we were at the hospital. I visited him everyday after work and stay until visiting hours are over. On my days off, I stayed there nearly for the entire day. He seemed to be happy whenever I walked into the room. It was expected but I could tell despite not being able to make facial expressions yet. Even when he didn’t show any emotion for the first time, I could hear it in his voice when he spoke to me. And I could see it in his eyes the most. How he looks at me with those beautiful amber eyes, shining brightly with those emotions he can’t express just yet. My heart always beats fast when Ren looks at me that way. It made me happy as my love for him swelled.
But when he smiled at me for the first time, I was overwhelmed with emotion.
———
Then…
The days I visit Ren fills me with content more than I want to admit. Every time I walk into that hospital room, he perks up and wants to talk to me, wanting to be in my presence. That’s just fine since I am the same.
I talk to Ren for a little while, mostly about work and about what Koujaku is doing these days. He seems concerned about my telling Koujaku about him but I assure Ren we can tell him and the others, not including Granny because she already knows, when the time is right. He manages to murmur ‘thank you’ to me and gives my hand a weak squeeze. Ren’s motor skills and strength is still developing. But I can tell he is happy he gets to hold my hand. It was something he always wanted to do. I intend to comply with his wishes.
While I am talking to Ren, the nurse enters the room and tells us that it’s time for Ren’s, or rather Sei’s, rehabilitation strength exercises. I already helped Ren, at his request, stretch several minutes ago so there was no need for the doctors or nurses to do it. The stretching and training his legs to move and walk lasted about a good ten minutes before Ren’s face began to show a considerable amount of pain. I feel bad for nearly pushing him too far.
I ask Ren if he really is up for attempting any sort of physical activity involving his legs and to my surprise, he nods.
“Are you sure?” I ask, still shocked.
“I am,” he answers. “I want to try standing up at least.”
And so the nurse helps me move Ren into the wheelchair and I offer to push him. Mostly because I want him to feel my presence directly behind him. I can tell he’s been a little tense lately and I make a mental note to visit him more often. It can be quite lonely staying here day after day. I can’t wait for the day when he finally gets to come home with me.
Once we are in the weight room for patients, the nurse instructs me to wheel “my brother” over to the parallel bars. Ren tries to stand on his own with my help, he grips the parallel bars as firmly as he could manage. He manages to stand up, albeit carefully and to my immense surprise, he tries to take a step forward. But my surprise turns to panic as my arms reach out to catch him from collapsing onto the floor. He almost succeeded if his legs hadn’t given out on him but it’s okay. I know Ren can always try again whenever he wishes. I just want his body to comply with his mind when the time comes.
Ren collapses into his wheelchair as soon as I help him to his feet after the nurse brings it over to him. He looks at me with such sorrowful eyes as if he disappointed me for not being able to do it. His heart must hurt as much as his body does and I worry for him, feeling my eyes sting from the impending tears. I try to hold them back as I whisper words of reassurance laced with love and adoration. It hurts to see him so ashamed and disappointed with himself. I card my fingers through his hair as the nurse watches us, still reassuring Ren he will be able to walk one of these days, adding that I will be here when it happens. I pull away and his eyes soften. He murmurs as small thank you to me then squeezes my hand gently and I squeeze back. It’s all we allow ourselves to do. He is supposedly my “brother” after all.
“Sei-san, would you like to try again?” The nurse asks Ren if he wishes to try again and he contemplates on what he should do. Ren’s eyes shift to me and I assure him I will be there with him to help. He opens his mouth to give the nurse his answer.
“No, my legs hurt…” he murmurs, his eyes refusing to meet hers.
I offer to take “Sei” back to his room. Not being able to walk on the first try must bothering him. The doctors and nurses told Ren he wouldn’t be able to succeed walking on the first try and he tried to prove them wrong. So, I imagine he is feeling disappointed in himself. I want Ren to know I am proud of him and I will help him however I can. When I tell him this, once we were alone and he is in his bed, he just asks me to continue coming to the hospital. I promise him this and he murmurs a quiet thank you to me, his eyes tells me he is happy and relieved. My mind vaguely wonders when he will be able to make expressions more easily.
I talk to Ren for a few more hours before I had to leave. Sometimes I frown at the whole visiting hours the hospital has. It keeps me away from Ren who doesn’t have anyone else close to him. Even if he doesn’t say it, Ren is feeling lonely in this place. It makes him sad and that only strengthens my resolve to have him home with me and Granny much sooner. I guess I can’t have that just yet. The doctors say so. So as always, I touch my forehead to his, promising to come back tomorrow and so on. He squeezes my hand lightly as he nods. Each time I pull away and leave him hurts a little more.
The rest of the week from that day goes by with little progress as my visits become fairly routine. Ren gains more strength in his arms and he is able to hold a ball and squeeze it with no problem. And I have become the one who moves Ren’s legs to train them for walking. The pain does bother him but the time it occurs happens less and less. I wonder if that’s a good sign. He hasn’t even wiggled his toes yet so I’m not sure…
Turns out Ren had one more surprise in store for me when I came to visit him one Sunday morning.
It’s my day off and I managed to sneak Granny’s doughnuts into the hospital. I figure Ren would like something other than hospital food to eat and it’s a treat for working so hard. I open the door and I notice the bed is empty and anxiety starts building up before it diminishes in that same moment when I spot Ren by the window.
He’s… He’s actually—
Ren turns to me and slowly walks to me, slowly and carefully. His eyebrows knitted together as he focuses on his steps and also on my face which probably mirrors a deer caught in headlights now. I barely register the doughnuts falling from my arms as Ren gets closer and closer. His warm hands grab mine then held them up. I let out a small breath then look at his face, wanting to congratulate him for walking. But my words are caught in my throat when I saw the expression on his face. The corners of his mouth are turned upward, his amber eyes gleam as they focus on me. It makes him glow more than he ought to.
Ren is smiling. He is actually smiling… It reminds me of when we were in Scrap, the sound of waves crashing against the shoreline reached our ears and the setting sun made his eyes shine brightly. His smile as he told me not to cry and reassured me he will always be with me… It was beautiful. And the smile he has on his face now reminds me of that moment. But now, he is glowing.
I notice he has fangs but it doesn’t bother me. It let’s me know this is really Ren, in the body my brother has given him. The same body that is confirming and molding to his very soul after Sei’s soul had departed from it. It’s really Ren in there now and it’s bittersweet...
I love him. I really love him. And his smile tells me he feels the same.
My arms encircle his form as I whisper, “You did it. You’re walking… I’m so proud of you, Ren.”
I laugh shakily as he licks my cheek affectionately and says, “Thank you, Aoba.”
He smiles that perfect smile again and holds my hands. Then my vision blurs and I can no longer see his face clearly.
I am crying. But these tears are happy ones.
———
Now.
A fond chuckle slips out and Ren turns his gaze on me. We’re cuddling on the couch in the living room, watching TV and I realize I am staring at him. He looks at me with curious but loving eyes then opens his mouth.
“Is something wrong?” he inquires, tilting his head slightly to the side. Ren is too cute for words at times.
I raise my hand to touch his cheek, the smile on my face grows as his eyes close and he leans into my touch, looking content.
“I was thinking back to when you smiled for the first time,” I finally answer him, my thumb gently strokes his cheek. “It’s surreal to know you’re here, living as a human. To see you smile, it fills me with warmth.”
I see Ren placing is hand on top of mine and gives it a squeeze. Then he smiles in response to my words. It isn’t on purpose as it is raw, like he has been smiling on his own for all of his life instead of for nearly seven months now. How time flies when you’re spending it with the one you care the most about.
“I have you to thank for that, Aoba.” He says as he places a kiss on it, his eyes flutter closed briefly before opening again. “I felt such profound happiness after you watched me walking on my own for the first time. I couldn’t help but smile.”
Hearing him admit this so bluntly, I can't help but blush at his answer. It is kind of flattering Ren smiles on account of me just watching him walk then. No, it is really flattering to the point it makes me almost giddy, causing me to smile at his confession to me. And I’m the first person ever to see that smile…
I kiss Ren gently on his lips and murmur, “Well, I’m happy I got to see you smile, walk around on your own, and so much more.”
“I’m happy about that as well,” Ren’s eyes stares into mine, shining more brightly than before. His eyes are beautiful and I’m reminded of the bright morning sun. The same sun that peered into his hospital room when I had arrived to see him. The moment he walked to me with careful steps. That isn’t what surprised me the most. His smile was as dazzling then when he approached me on two feet and held my hands.
That beautiful smile was nearly blurred away by my tears of happiness. And it was then I realized how much I loved him.
I hope to see him smile like that for me all the time.