Chapter Text
Peggy would have loved for them to drive to Maine, but between their jobs and the finicky November weather they just didn’t have time. So instead of the slow transition across the country they stepped out of the airport and into a totally different world.
“Look, Daddy! Snow!” Erin was beside herself. It was all they could do to keep her from jumping into the grimy banks in the parking lot.
“You don’t have your boots on, Honey. You’ll get wert and cold.”
Bj juggled their suitcases, trying to burrow deeper into his jacket. The dirty, tire tracked snow and the frosty air after the cramped plane ride brought back nights in Korea. He thought of the times they’d been bundled into the OR and back out into the cold night without ever feeling the warmth of the sun or even suitable heating. Sometimes he had imagined that he’d never be warm again.
“Are you waiting for a special invitation?”
For a second, as the familiar voice rang out, Bj had to remind himself those were only memories. Hawkeye wasn’t waking him from a pleasant daydream to return to their poker game, he was leaning against an old Chrysler, looking immune to the biting cold and grinning.
“Or maybe you’ve already frozen stiff and I’ll have to fold you into the backseat.”
“Uncle Hawkeye!’ Erin squealed, running over with outstretched arms. Bj beat her there, and he swept the other man into a crushing hug,
“God, I’ve missed you.”
“You always miss me.” Hawkeye teased, bending down to hug Erin.
“And how are you miss? Still growing like a bad weed?”
“I’m not a weed.” Erin lifted her chin.
“I’m a lady.”
“Forgive me, your highness.” Hawkeye swept a low, elaborate bow and they both burst into giggles.
Peg realized she was still standing alone with the pile of luggage, watching the scene unfold. When Hawkeye noticed her he bounded over, taking her hand.
“The very lovely Mrs. Hunnicutt.”
He gave her a bow too, looking up at her with twinkling blue eyes.
“We never could learn love’s song, we are parted too long,”
Peggy grinned and hugged him.
“Oscar Wilde?”
“When I quote Coleridge people tend to doze off.”
“Some of us are half asleep waiting for you two.” Bj called. Erin was making a tiny, crumbling snowman.
Hawkeye scooped up some of the baggage and Peg fell into step beside him.
“I tried to come without them.” She joked.
“But they kept following me.”
Bj snorted.
“You should have left after bed time.”
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, climb aboard!” Hawkeye called as they piled into the car.
“Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. The stewardess will be around with the drinks cart as soon as we take off.”
The drive along the coast was breathtaking. The rugged shore was blanketed in white and punctuated by fishing villages divided by thick woods. Lobster traps and crab pots were piled outside colourful, weather-beaten sheds.
Peg and Erin fell asleep in the back seat despite the rough roads. Bj and Hawkeye rode along in companionable silence.
“How’s California? Warm and sunny?”
“It’s a bit damp this time of year, but it’s certainly warmer than this.”
“You get used to it.” Hawkeye grinned.
“And then you find yourself looking forward to it when you button your coat.”
Bj grinned in turn, his heart buoyed by how good Hawkeye looked; the brightness in his eyes, the air of contentment. It wasn’t long before he was contemplating the dark sweep of hi friend’s lashes, the bow of his lips and his long graceful neck.
And Bj had a chance. He fought the urge to pinch himself.
“What?” The other man quirked an eyebrow.
“Nothing.” Bj lied, partly just to rile him up.
“Not nothing. You’re grinning like the cat that ate the canary.”
“I’m just happy to see you.”
Bj tried to look serious, watching Hawkeye fidget in the driver’s seat. He was all nervous energy now that his interest had been piqued.
“Bullshit.” Hawkeye hissed after a cursory check that the girls were still sleeping.
“Let’s hear it.”
“It’s a surprise.”
“You’re killing me!”
Hawkeye mimed hitting his head on the steering wheel.
“It’s the name all over.”
“I promise we’ll tell you this time.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
Bj turned to the window.
“You lucky fink.”
He turned back,
“You’re having another baby.” Hawkeye declared.
“Don’t deny it. I know I’m right.”
Bj chuckled.
“We’ll see,”
Crabapple Cove was just the way Hawkeye had always described it. It was quaint and old fashioned with the familiar trappings of a seaside town. Main street, like something out of a postcard, looked out over a small harbour and a wharf. Upturned boats lounged on the shore, dusted with powdery snow and a buoy clanged somewhere out on the water as the waves jostled it.
“You should see it in the summer.”
Hawkeye pulled up and parked infront of a busy storefront. Thanksgiving specials were scrawled across the front window.
“I just need to run in for a loaf of bread; I’ll leave it running.”
Bj watched his friend disappear into the market before turning to the back seat.
“Peg, Erin, we’re almost there.”
By the time the car lurched up the Pierce’s long, bumpy driveway they were all awake. The stately old captain’s house looked out over a wide clearing the sloped down to a rugged beach. Warm, low light spilled from the windows onto the snow.
“Home sweet home.” Hawkeye sing-songed, parking and exiting the car as his guests braced themselves against the cold.
“Now that everyone’s had their beauty sleep we can start catching up.”
He was elbow deep in the trunk by the time Bj rounded the car, gathering up the luggage.
“Let me give you a hand with that.” He nudged the other man aside, inadvertently pressing them together shoulder to hip like he had so many times in Korea. Then, their incessant need to be in one another’s space had been about comfort and grounding and maybe something else; something he never let himself feel. Being close was still comforting, bit something had changed and it burned slow and hot in the pit of Bj’s stomach.
“Some help you are.” Hawkeye elbowed him, shoving a suitcase into his arms.
“With friends like you, who needs a garden statue.”
“A few more minutes out here and I’ll be frozen stiff enough.”
“A few more minutes and Erin will be frozen.” Peg admonished from the front stoop.
“Are you coming along or not?”
The door creaked open behind her and a warm voice said:
“Come in, come in, out of the cold!”
She and Erin were whisked into a cozy mudroom. The sounds of a jazz record and a crackling fire drifted out from somewhere within the house.
“He’s a doctor, but he has the manners of a circus clown. Mrs. Hunnicutt, we meet again.”
The gentleman standing before her was atleast sixty, but still trim and handsome. He had a thicker build than his gangly son and his hair was entirely silver. He peered out at her from behind a pair of wire rimmed glasses, his eyes lively and blue.
“Doctor Pierce.” Peg smiled at him. He was an instantly likeable man, familiar, but much more settled than Hawkeye. Something about him radiated kindness.
“Please call me Peg, or Peggy.”
“Only if you call me Daniel.” He smiled, crouching down.
“You must be Erin.”
The little girl obviously felt the same way Peg did, because she didn’t make strange.
“Erin Hunnicutt, pleased to meet you.” She exclaimed brightly, just as Hawkeye and Bj toted in the luggage.
“Good, you’ve met.”
Hawkeye stripped off his coat. He was still thin, like his pictures from Korea.
“Beej, you remember my dad.”
Daniel gave Bj a fatherly hug.
“How could he forget? He beat me so badly at cards that I haven’t played since!”
Bj handed their coats to Hawkeye, who stowed them in an open closet. It made Peg smile to imagine the three of them on Bj’s previous visit to Maine, listening to jazz and idling the time away relaxing.
Bj had come home with a weight lifted that she had not been able to budge. She might have been jealous, but she’d been so relieved to have the man she’d married back, so grateful to Hawkeye for repairing him, that she’d sent him a letter of thanks. His first night back Bj had made love to her like he had before the war; hungry and passionate. And if there had been something unspoken hanging above their heads it hadn’t bothered her one bit. At first she had imagined the guilt on his face was about how distant he’d been since returning from Korea. What it had really been about were the things he’d been hiding.
The look on his face when she’d suggested sharing had been all the answer she needed.
“You wouldn’t feel like, like that was cheating?” He’d mumbled against her skin, hands roaming. He’d acted shocked at first, but once it had worn off she could tell the idea turned him on.
“How would you feel if I did it?”
He’d paused.
“Have someone in mind?”
The edge in his voice hadn’t been enough to stop her from taking the risk.
“The same man you have in mind.”
Her husband had spluttered, indignation in his eyes as he stared her down. Peg just brought his hands to her thighs.
“Hush, I sleep next to you every night.”
He’d tried to protest, but the axis of their world had already tilted.
“That would be cheating.” He’d admitted finally, when he’d finished fighting with himself.
“That wouldn’t be just for fun.”
“I’m not going to make you chose between us.” Was Peg’s answer.
“I never have before.”
So there had been lots of talk, a teary confession from Bj, a shared fantasy and finally, a plan.
They ate hot roast beef sandwiches in the cluttered kitchen before retiring to the comfortable sitting room. Hawkeye and Bj sat knee to knee on the couch, with Daniel in a worn leather easy chair. Erin fell asleep in Peg’s lap in the rocking chair. It wasn’t long before her eyelids were drooping closed too.
“I’d better show you to your room.” Daniel stretched his back as he stood.
“And then I think I’ll turn in myself.”
He took Erin’s sleeping form, shouldering her weight easily despite his age and led Peg up the stairs.
“You look ready to see the sandman yourself.” Hawkeye nudged Bj.
“Go on, I’ll shut things down.”
Bj watched him pad into the kitchen before following the others.
It was still dark when he awoke. Korea had fucked up his internal clock so badly that four years later it still wasn’t right and jet lag wasn’t helping. He stayed pressed against Peg, reminding himself that the strange bed was in a welcoming place and not a warzone. He got up to use the bathroom and bent his head to drink from the tap. When he crossed the hallway back to the guest room he noticed the beam of light crossing the foot of the stairs.
Apparently he wasn’t the only one who suffered from insomnia.
There was no sense trying to creep down the creaky old staircase, but Bj kept his steps light. Hawkeye was sitting at the kitchen table dealing solitaire. A tumbler of something amber sat by his elbow.
“Couldn’t sleep.” He said without looking up. Bj wasn’t sure if it was a question or and explanation. He shrugged in response, grabbing a glass out of the cupboard he remembered and pouring himself a few fingers from the scotch bottle. He didn’t drink much hard stuff anymore, but the two of them sitting together in the middle of the night with a glass of beer or warm milk just didn’t seem right.
“How’ve you been, Hawk?”
He’d looked pretty good to Bj, but Hawkeye had a lot of practice being off balance and now here he was up drinking in the middle of the night.
Hawkeye looked desperately like he wanted to make a joke, but he sighed and took a drink instead.
“I don’t sleep well.” He admitted.
“I lay down some nights and all of those moments flash through my mind. That’s really it, but-“
Bj nodded.
“But you’re afraid that’s only it for now.”
Hawkeye gathered up the cards and gave them a few shuffles. He looked across the table with that haunted look in his eyes that always broke Bj’s heart.
“It’s just that some days the padded room seems a bit more recent than others. It feels like one more hard case might bring it all rushing back and put me out of commission for good.”
He took a long drink.
“I wonder what ever happened to Sidney Freedman.”
Bj reached out and took his hand, relishing how good it felt to have the long fingers slip through his like they had so many times before.
“Look, you’ve been through things I can’t even imagine.” He began, watching Hawkeye melt into the easy contact.
“But you got through them every time and you never lost yourself. For almost seven years you’ve been getting through. The worst is all behind you now. These are just the aftershocks.”
He took a deep breath, holding Hawkeye’s gaze. His eyes were so impossibly expressive even when he was trying not to cry.
“I’m here now.” Bj said firmly.
“We can work through some of this.”
Because some nights Bj woke up and felt like he was in his own personal piece of purgatory, unable to move beyond the war and unable to go back and unlive it. He felt tainted when everyone around him was clean and though he felt guilty as hell, there was nothing Peg could do. He needed comfort from someone who’d been stained just like him.
“And if you ever need me, I’m a phone call and a plane ticket away.”
“Beej, I can’t ask-“
“I will drop everything.” Bj said over him, hoping he was conveying just how sure he felt.
“I will always be here for you. I won’t let you lose this fight, Hawk.”
Hawkeye nodded slowly, but his movements were quick when he brought his left hand up to clasp Bj’s between both of his. His fingers traced the tendons in Bjs’ wrist and brushed at the hair on his knuckles. Hopefully he believed the promise as wholeheartedly as Bj meant it.
“Some nights I dream I’m back in the Swamp.” Bj began. The words felt like the most solemn confession.
“Nightmares,” Hawkeye guessed.
Bj shook his head.
“I dream we’re there together, like we so often were and it’s like that’s enough to chase the real nightmares away.”
He took a drink, his mouth suddenly dry.
“You were my light in the dark over there.” He said quietly.
“A lot of nights you still are.”
Hawkeye regarded him silently, both hands still locked around Bj’s.
“You weren’t my light.” He began,
“I could live without light.”
The ghost of a smile crossed his face.
“You were like a deep breath I could take without breaking down. You kept me going, kept me moving, kept me sane enough to make it back.”
The openness in his smile was almost alarming. Bj found most people took time with their emotions, but Hawkeye could oscillate between wry mockery and naked sincerity with very little difficulty.
“I dream about you too.”
And there was that incorrigible grin.
“Don’t tell Peg, she’ll come busting into the next one and I’ll have to jump out the window.”
Bj laughed at the image, light and genuine and just a little secretive.
“How about some Gin?”
“I haven’t finished my scotch.”
“I meant the card game.”
When Bj crawled back into bed two hours later he knew sleep would come a little easier.
“Everything ok?”
Peg nestled into his arms like a contented cat.
“Just a long overdue promise.” Bj said cryptically, kissing her shoulder.
“When’s the wedding?” She teased him and they faded off to sleep.