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It was fucking cold.
Of the things Connor had missed most about Chicago, it was that it was frigid enough to numb your fingers and nose as soon as you were outside.
It was also a great way to wake yourself up after pulling a double, and Connor needed to be awake if he wanted to make it home safe.
The chill was worse on the roof, and even bundled up tight in his jacket, Connor could feel the icy wind seeping through his clothes. Snow had yet to fall, but the air had the crisp taste that signified that the city would be covered in a cold blanket soon enough.
He hadn’t been up there ten minutes before the door beside him opened. He didn’t need to look to know who it was — Will’s “Jesus Christ!” at the cold was a dead giveaway.
Connor watched Will scan the balcony before clearing his throat. Will startled, sucking in a quick breath as he spun around. Connor looked up at him from his spot on a bench, pressed up neatly against the frigid cement wall of the hospital.
“You know I’ve been looking for you since my shift ended, right?”
Connor smirked, but it was weak. “Poor baby,” he teased.
Will glared at him, but Connor could see the concern behind it and felt a loose sense of guilt begin to gnaw at his ribcage.
Wrapping himself just a little tighter, Will sat beside Connor. He let out another curse when the cold crept through his scrubs and jacket.
“I could buy you a better one if you’d like,” Connor offered.
“I’d rather get hypothermia than have you buy me anything.”
Connor took a beat to respond.
“I offer because I love you, not because I think you need to be taken care of, Will.”
Will’s gaze softened at the hurt in Connor’s voice, but he didn’t apologize. Connor feared that no matter how much he loved Will, Will would never get past their financial differences. He looked away, back to the twinkling of lights in windows so Will wouldn’t see the insecurity he fought so hard to hide.
Will leaned back, crossing his arms tightly over his chest to try to save his body heat. He let the silence linger, creating a not-so-uncomfortable ambience that stretched on long enough for the inklings of snow to start drifting from the sky. Will knew Connor couldn’t stand this kind of silence; the kind where things unsaid made him anxious.
Connor crossed his arms, too, clutching his biceps through his jacket as his jaw clenched. His thumb rubbed back and forth, back and forth, in the hopes of soothing himself as he listened to traffic. He was only so strong, and after a few minutes, he took the bait.
“You’re a hypocrite, you know that?”
“How am I the hypocrite?” Will scoffed.
“You want me to talk about my feelings when you can’t stand the thought of sharing your own.”
Will went quiet at that, but Connor could tell he was annoyed based on how he leaned back against the wall. Connor wondered when he began to know Will’s tells; what little pieces of him only those closest to him knew.
“Everyone loses a patient. It happens. You know that, I know that. There isn’t much to say, really.”
Connor hoped that would be enough, but he knew Will better than that.
“I’m not blind, Connor. You’ve been crying — your eyes are red, and you hid from me. Please, hypocrite or not, talk to me.”
He didn’t move. He couldn’t bear to look Will in the eyes, because he could feel the tears building again. How could he talk about anything?
He’s worked so hard to convince everyone he doesn’t need outside support. There was never a shoulder to cry on when his mom died, or when his relationship with Robin failed, or when anything at all happened.
He opened up to her in a way he hadn’t with anyone, and she left him behind. He understood that it’s what she needed, but Connor couldn’t help but blame himself. He was over her and plenty happy with Will, but the fear of abandonment lingered. He couldn’t begin to imagine being vulnerable and abandoned again. Not by Will.
Will let out a little huff, smiling as he watched Connor.
“You think too much, man,” he said.
Connor felt Will’s gentle probing, coaxing his arms out of their crossed position before taking his hand.
Unlike his own cold, unfeeling hands, Will’s were still warm. He shuffled closer to Connor until their shoulders touched, settling his weight onto the younger surgeon.
Will’s thumb rubbed soothing circles over the top of Connor’s hand, fingers intertwined.
They both sat there a while, Will playing with Connor’s fingers while they watched the city. Will was there with him, despite his violent shivering.
“Do you want to go inside?” Connor asked, growing more concerned as Will’s shivering continued.
“I want to go wherever you go.”
“Please don’t get sappy on me. It doesn’t suit you.”
“I think we’re past sappy, Rhodes,” Will laughed, rich and genuine despite how soft it was.
He started rubbing both his hands over Connor’s in a futile attempt to warm it. Eventually, he gave up and simply put it in his own pocket, still holding Connor’s hand tight. It was almost as if he thought Connor would walk away otherwise.
Connor dropped his head on Will’s shoulder and sighed.
“Ok, it was bad. It was a bad loss. Happy?”
The patient was 15. It was Connor’s first shift back in the ED in months, and he had forgotten how much he missed it. Chicago was full of violence, and Connor had seen his fair share of gruesome shit. But there were so many stab wounds that this young kid’s internal organs were soup and his face was a hole. He was braindead before he was in the ambulance.
He’d felt numb since he called the time of death, and the cold he’d felt in his hands and chest had started before he made it outside.
“Uh, happy isn’t the word. But you're sharing something with me, which is nice.”
Connor squeezed Will’s hand, closing his eyes.
“You know how it is. I wish there was more I could have done, and I know there wasn’t. I really just want to go home and sleep, if I’m being honest. Maybe compartmentalize a little bit.”
“Ok.”
“Ok? That’s it?”
“That's all you’re willing to share, isn’t it? I’m not getting anything else out of you. You’re more stubborn than I am, and I just- I don’t- I don’t want to push you. I just want you to be ok,” Will admits.
Connor finally turns to look at Will again, and the sight of the soft brown of his eyes makes Connor feel just a little warmer.
Will releases Connor’s hand and wraps his arm around him, holding him close.
“I want you to know that you don’t need to hide on a roof in the middle of Winter to avoid your feelings, because that’s bad, or whatever.”
“Did Dr. Charles tell you that one?” Connor grins.
“Nope, I learned that one on my own. Maybe Psychiatry was my true calling.”
“I wouldn’t mind having someone as pretty as you be my shrink.”
Will chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of Connor’s head.
“Shut up, flattery will get you nowhere.”
“So you won’t drive me home in my really nice car?”
“Mm, I didn’t say that.”
Will guides him to his feet, limbs cold in that satisfying way Connor loves. They walk out of the hospital together, hand in hand. He’d be alright tomorrow when he woke up with Will by his side.