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What would a life without suffering be like? This is what Matthias has always wondered, having always been tied to what it is like to live through misery in the flesh, to be a victim of his own self-sabotaging mind, and of an unhelpful environment.
Matthias Czernin is tired, eternally tired, then, when Florian Brand recites those words to him.
Maybe, just maybe, finally, something good will come out of the Fire Investigator's mouth.
Sitting on the floor, unnecessarily, because there is the bed, still, the floor has always been a somewhat therapeutic place for Matthias. he doesn't have to move, he doesn't have to hold his limbs in forced ways, he doesn't have to strain even more, his hypermobile body to stand up, he can let himself fall down. He could have sat on the carpet, but he is comforted by the coldness of the floor. It brings him back to earth, and to his, again, miserable life.
As now, after daydreaming for several minutes, he realizes where he is and who is beside him. The man looks at him calmly, with a somewhat unsettling, small, fangled smile, but Matthias, honestly, is used to it, and certainly, Florian is too, regarding the other man's autopilot behavior.
''What if we leave? If we run away?''
Matthias hums, thinking about it, what would it be like? Life before Florian was, terrible, he doesn't know yet if the blond is the best companion talking about mental stability (this one is not so... sane), but it's okay, because Florian reaches out his hand, lets him talk again and again about his family, and he's not going to lie, the caresses, the hugs, and those kisses Florian leaves on his body, hands, hair, forehead, scars, makes him feel strangely warm.
A warmth he had never felt before. A heat that makes him break out in a cold sweat, and makes him shiver, such warmth that makes him want to cry, and laugh at the same time.
He is a twenty-four year old adult, with no experience whatsoever in friendships or romance. Still, he will let himself be selfish for the first time, let the freedom of what to do for himself, without thought for others. He will treasure this.
He believes that Florian has shown him humanity, in his own way, affection, friendship, love. Things, which made him sleepless at night. Endless stormy nights. Eternal days, feeling nothing special.
From time to time, the man repeats to him ''It's a miracle we met, we're the same!'' And even if he doesn't believe in that sort of thing, he believes him ten percent.
The blond stretches, waiting attentively and patiently for his answer, he always does.
Matthias thinks, and thinks, he doesn't need the games, why is he even there? He doesn't remember. He already found someone who sees him, and not Louis. He thinks about Florian, he thinks Florian is happy just to be by his side, no matter where or what situation they are in.
What binds him?
What ties him to a horrid childhood? An adolescence he doesn't remember, an adulthood he hasn't been able to enjoy.
Maybe it's time for a new beginning.
''I suppose it's all right''
One day, Florian Brand and Matthias Czernin disappeared from the manor, as if they had never existed there. As if they had never existed as such.
Going to the Czech Republic for that wonderful new beginning. Settling in some small house over there, near a forest, with the savings from Florian's old job, and the money Matthias used to make with his puppets. Memories and past traumas haunt them, in their own way, both.
Matthias feels, familiarly, depressed. Despite the quiet life they have now, it won't magically make the scars disappear. the burned skin, and the myriad of horrific thoughts he used to have. he lies in bed, for at the end of the day, his past haunts him, and eats away at his mind, slowly.
He usually overthinks and reflects, due to his melancholic and depressive nature, what is the point of mere existence? Is suffering his sad destiny? He will never be the same as he is.
Perfect, nothing more than that, he would never have been his parents' favorite.
Anyone else's? Matthias doubts that anyone would want, on purpose, to be around him for more than five minutes.
He has no worth.
He has nothing.
He's useless, there's no point in living, Louis would tell him.
Maybe that cold depresses him even more.
When Florian enters the room, book and tray of food. He sees him turning to the wall so as not to look at him, and hears his muffled cries through the sheet, he thinks it's one of those days.
It's not bad, everyone deals with their own as best they can.
It reminds him of himself, when his parents passed away. A crying child, and a guilt. Because he was to blame. But, it was an opportunity to grow up.
His parents are still there, in every memory, in every dream, in every match and fire. they got mixed up, simply.
It's the reason, for the fires, he doesn't think he's an pyromaniac, no, they have a compulsion with creating fire. him? it's his way of grieving for his parents, of remembering them.
Florian doesn't cry, he simply looks with a smile, and a certain nostalgia, at the lit match and the fire caused by it.
He leaves the tray of food on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed next to Matthias. Florian brings his hand close to the other's, clutching the sheet to cover his weary, exhausted face.
''Matthy, eat something, and let's read something shall we?''
He slowly gets up, exhausted from crying so much, he feels thirsty, and Florian notices, he always does, he always understands and knows everything going on around him, is creepily, too perceptive. So he hands him the glass of water from the tray, then sits down next to him, as he watches Matthias eat some of the lunch he had just prepared, the tray in his lap.
He likes to look at him, likes to look at the similar scars, the messy brown hair of this one, that eye, which makes him feel uncontrollable emotions, he silently admires him.
Florian takes the napkin in hand and wipes the mess on the corner of Matthias' lips.
The action feels strange, but is not rejected. He is still not used to this. Whatever it was, let it be this.
They don't have an exact name, for the kind of relationship they have, they say ''he's my partner'', just like that, it's not exactly the best time to say it's romantic either, but, they don't care, they don't interact much with the members of that nearby town, any more than Florian's fellow fire station workers, or Matthias' puppet store customers, neither of them are sociable, nor interested in socializing, or making small talk, other than with each other.
''Are you in the mood to read?'' The man nods, Florian takes the book from the bedside table while Matthias lays his head on his shoulder.
Hours pass, until Florian notices how the other has stopped reading, and instead, has started to disconnect from the situation, he thinks they have had enough of Matthias' favorite activity, ''Aren't you tired?'' he says putting away the book. He looks at it with his one eye, as he stands up, fixated on Florian's body and being.
He doesn't know why, but he remembers the days where this one, has had bad days, they don't show it in the same way, for while Matthias is immersed in a lake of self-hatred and misery, Florian, is somewhat irascible when he is stressed, likewise, anger has never been directed at him. it shows in the cracking of that peculiar smile he directs at everyone, it's fake, he knows it. it shows in him playing with matches and fire much more than before, in this leaving the house at somewhat odd hours, only to return with a real smile.
has always thought Florian's character is somewhat strange, that he, is strange, but isn't Matthias strange too? Who cares.
A caress on his scarred cheek brings him out of his reverie and suddenly in front of him he sees his partner, ''Come on, lie down'' Matthias complies without complaint.
Maybe life is mostly about finding something, someone, to live with, in his case, someone who tolerates him, while Matthias has always been a loner, Florian's company doesn't hurt him, they love each other in a thousand ways, some of them a bit strange to the outside eye, but important to them.
Matthias lies on Florian's chest, and varies between waking up, and falling asleep, he can feel the fingertips of the other, on his head, playing with his messy hair, ''Tomorrow will be a new day, Matty''.
With an affirmative sound, he falls surrendered in the warmth Florian emanates, in his hands expert in making him feel relaxed, and the beating of his heart, tomorrow will be another day.
Another day of getting rid of Louis in creative and somewhat extravagant ways, together with Florian, only for him to return to the door of his home.
Another homey day, another warm day together with his cold counterparts as well.
Another day of being alive.
Still,
he doesn't regret his decision.