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Shepard, if you're reading this, I'm dead.
And if I am not, then I apologize, I'm probably reading this on our wedding day—because there's no way we walked through hell together and I haven't put a ring on that finger, or whatever you humans say. I only ever heard Joker talk about it, and the vids never got that far. Don't worry, I'll probably edit this letter before reading it as my vow. I don't want to spook you—you've been through enough. And with everything crazy that's ever happened to us, I wouldn't blame you if you thought there was a ghost standing next to you, it feels like everything is possible now.
I don't have much time left. I'm writing this from Earth, your words about us still echoing in my head. It won't be long until you call the rest of us over, give orders, and tell me to fight by your side—just like the million times we did before. I believe you'll tell me to join you again. Even if you don't, I'll join you anyway. There might just be a quick fight first, because there's no way I'd let you out of my sight. Not today. Not ever.
I figured that if only one of us was going to make it out alive, it would be you. I mean, how could it be anyone else? I probably just slowed you down on the final mission anyway.
You're stronger than anyone I've ever met. And I don't say that just because you even managed to beat Death once. You were always the strongest. I saw it the day you stood in front of the Council for the first time. I saw it when you faced Saren. I saw it the day you stopped me from killing Sidonis. I saw it when you opened your door—when you let the walls you'd been building around your heart for so long fall down—and let me in.
I saw it in the tears streaming down your face. And I'll be forever grateful that you let me see those tears, and even more so that I could be the one to wipe them away.
They didn't make you weaker. All they changed was the green in your eyes—made them shine brighter than ever.
I promise you, they were the last picture dancing in front of mine when I drew my final breath, leading me to whatever awaits us after this.
I'm sorry if it was your arms holding me in my final moment. If my blood painted your armor blue. But if it's any consolation—if your voice was the last thing I heard—I reached the final destination safely. I left unafraid.
Your voice, Shepard... I hear it in my dreams, I hear it in my favorite songs, I hear it in comfortable silence.
I hope you can forgive me, Shepard. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay, to keep breathing for you. I'm sorry for everything my absence put you through. I'm sorry that half of your bed is cold right now—and you have to trust me when I say I'd fight all the evil in the galaxy again just to make you warm for one more night. I'm sorry I can only visit you in your dreams now, but I promise to push all the nightmares away.
It pains me that I wasn't by your side when you ended this war, but I'm sure you destroyed the Reapers and saved everyone with style. You always do.
And another thing I know is that you didn’t deserve this.
You deserved so much better than carrying the fate of the whole universe on your shoulders all these years, no matter how strong they might be. I noticed how the pressure weighed you down, even when you tried so hard to hide it. It never bothered me to feel your tears fall on my skin while I held you. All it did was make me fall deeper for you.
Oh, Spirits, how much I miss you. Not just now, when you left to plan the details of our final strike. I'm sure I miss you in the afterlife, too.
Your smile, your patience, your touch, your humor.
The world probably won't hear your laugh for some time, but when it does, it will be the closest this universe ever comes to resurrection.
And even if my body doesn't come back, my heart will.
At this point, it's hard for me to think that anything could ever untangle our souls again.
I'll be watching over you wherever you go.
Don't do anything stupid with the life you've got left here.
I'll be watching over you, but there's no rush to join me on the other side.
I waited for you not only once, but twice.
I could wait in one place for centuries if it meant we'd meet again.
One last thing. I know how much you hate to be corrected, and with all the stress and responsibility pushing on you from every possible angle, I didn’t want to add to it. But now I think I can.
I really think I deserve it this time.
You said it wrong.
There is no Vakarian without Shepard.
Thank you for showing me that.
Thank you for showing me what love actually feels like.
And if I wake up in a different lifetime, I don't want to feel it again until you get there too.
I love you.
That's something no one can ever change.
Goodbye, Shepard.
—Garrus"
Garrus read his handwriting three times before he crumbled that stupid piece of paper and threw it away. He didn’t know which feeling was stronger—the grief pulsing all the way to his fingertips, the anger rising in his chest, or the dull ache of his injuries.
He shouldn’t have read it. His eyes weren’t meant to see this after the war. Not his.
A soft sob escaped his mouth as he looked around Shepard’s cabin, if turians could cry there would be already a pool of tears under him. Everything looked like she was going to come back any minute—her laptop still open, her collection of ships polished.
She was so proud of that collection. There was only one model left, and he had promised he’d buy it for her once they got back to the Citadel. He had to swallow the burning sadness rising in his throat.
He'd been here for hours, the cold floor making him shiver.
The bed looked inviting, but he refused to sit on that mattress without her by his side. He couldn’t. He was so sure it would feel even colder than the metal beneath him.
He heard Liara’s voice behind the door, but he didn’t respond.
He didn’t understand her words, and he knew his voice would break on the first word anyway.
He was injured, and they’d been begging him to get checked by Dr. Chakwas again.
But he was too scared—scared that if she made the physical pain disappear, the grief would consume him whole, chew on him until there was nothing left.
Even the memories of her. He couldn’t let that happen.
“Garrus,” a voice called behind the metallic door.
All he could do was hug his legs tighter to his chest.
He’d feel embarrassed if Shepard saw him like this.
But she wasn’t here.
And when he heard they’d found her body, he knew she never would be again.
The painful wounds kept him grounded.
Without them, he would’ve lost his mind. Maybe even joined her.
“Garrus!”
Liara’s worry finally got the better of her. She walked inside and when she saw the turian—or what was left of him—she rushed to kneel by his side.
“Why did it have to be her?” he choked out. “Why couldn't someone else save this fucking galaxy for once?”
Liara gently placed her hand on Garrus’s shoulder.
Her eyes were red, she had cried too, after hearing that the commander is dead. Everyone was crying but him, his useless self couldn't even do that for her.
“I should have been there, Liara,” he said, guilt creeping into his already shaky voice. “I should have pushed through. I should have said no when she sent me back to the Normandy—”
“You’d have died, Garrus. We both know that.”
“Better me than her!”
The volume of his voice surprised even him.
The guilt only worsened when he saw the pain in Liara’s expression.
For a moment, he thought she’d walk away. He wouldn’t blame her.
But instead, he felt her arms wrap around his shoulders.
All he managed was a sharp gasp before another wave of sadness punched him in the gut again.
“I know it hurts, Garrus,” Liara whispered into the embrace, “but you need to take care of yourself now. Because... I don’t know if you believe in this, but Shepard—”
Both their heads turned sharply when they heard a thump from the other side of the room.
It took Garrus a moment to recognize what had fallen from the shelf through his blurred vision.
A picture of them, together.
Grief twisted in his stomach once more.
She hated how she looked in that photo.
But she kept it anyway—because it was one of the few they’d managed to take during this whole damn shitshow.
"Shepard may be closer than you think."
Garrus knew Liara was trying to reassure him. His gaze was fixed on the picture, on all the broken glass around it. His heart clenched again.
"She saved us, Garrus. We move on with her memory. We honor her by using the extra time she gave us."
She saved us.
She saved the galaxy so we could live longer.
But he lost the one thing that made it worth saving.