Chapter Text
Josh,
I’m such a mess because I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until I was pinned down in this place. stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be
until the wheels started turning and and I was forced against my will to leave what we had behind.
and I guess it’s true that we don’t know what we have until it is all over. at least for me. was there anything to be over? or was it just hope that flickered and died like everything else in this world. just died.
and I don’t want to grow apart from you. that’s what I am so afraid of. I’ll grow apart from you.
and for the first time in my life I begin to hate this room and I want to return to you and never leave your side. and I want to stand in the rain with you and cry on your shoulder and slowly freeze on the roof of some nameless building in a nameless town in another forgettable place because with you I feel something. for once. there was a moment, I felt something. something different and then in an instant it was gone.
and those moments are so important for my survival you are so special and you make me feel wanted and most importantly alive which isn’t something I have felt at all recently.
and I can’t go back.
I don’t mean back home. that’s okay. It’s less than ideal but I just. I don’t want to go back to being how we were we are. because there was that one moment like I was caught between heart beats and it was just a realization that maybe there was something more to this life. that moment existed. It did. it exists
maybe I have some shred of hope on this earth.
I don’t think you felt it.
at least not like I did.
perhaps it’s the euphoria of the unspoken rules we have drawn between us. because the greater our friendship the larger the distance between us. the bigger the feeling I get when I touch your arm or maybe it’s just you and everything about you.
because you make me feel wanted and you make me want to feel wanted.
I’ve never felt that. or maybe I did. maybe it’s something I lost. and I need it back. Josh, I need it back. I can’t begin to explain how that, how you, make me feel. because you give my meager existence purpose and I’m overwhelmed and you are non-responsive and i am exhausted and I’ll write to you tomorrow. maybe